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Bringing Intimacy Back, October 21, 2021

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Bringing Intimacy Back
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Guests, Dr. Ray and Jean Kadkhodaian

Bringing Intimacy Back with Dr. April Brown, co-host Dr. Kelly Bushey and guests Dr. Ray and Jean Kadkhodaian

Title: Couple's Synergy

Bringing Intimacy Back

Show Host

As we look around in this world today, it seems we are becoming more disconnected from one another, even though we have the technology to connect to more and more people than ever before. Furthermore, the lack of intimacy (in its many forms) is one of the top three reasons why relationships struggle and many times end.

Thus the Bringing Intimacy Back talk show is a show dedicated to inspire, enlighten, and encourage intimate connections. This show provides an engaging atmosphere to discuss and demonstrate ways to enhance intimacy in one’s personal relationships with significant others, families, friends, Higher Power, and oneself. The show will discuss intimate connections in many different forms, such as sex, communication, emotional, physical, health, and spiritual. In fact, research has shown that as we increase our intimate connection with ourselves, our Higher Power, and others.  It will help decrease the conflicts, anxiety, and depression in our lives.


Increasing intimacy for all has become Dr. April’s mission. The mission statement of the show is to provide an atmosphere to discuss and demonstrate ways to increase closeness in one’s personal relationships with significant others, families, friends, Higher Power, and oneself. Therefore, Dr. April started in February 2018 to host her own new Radio/TV Show Bringing Intimacy Back where she and other intimacy experts will provide resources and tips on increasing intimacy in all types of relationships. Audience members will be able to transform their relationships through relationship experts’ insights, useful and practical resources, role-playing, and audience participation. The show’s goal is to show its audience members that intimacy can be alive and real in the relationships we desired.

Show Transcript (automatic text 90% accurate)

welcome to the brain and Timothy back show we are intimacy is real if you desire to intimately connected with your self your significant other children and family friends community and your higher power this show is for you that we explore intimate topics inspiring life story spirituality and insightful tips on strengthening relationships this show is hosted by dr. April and her doctor Kelly now let's get this episode of the bringing intimacy back show started because we share with you the secret power to intimacy to create a life you love or love the life you create with your host dr. April Lee is real how are you doing dr. Kelly wonderful today I was going to see all kinds of crazy but that would be true because you know it's happening in the last few days right
no well in my life yes but in the world world in the universe full moon and I don't know about you but is this feeling what we do communication and just the body of things just been difficult well you know what if you saw my surroundings right now I have one of these viral backgrounds for a reason this as you know I'm working on my house
and I had refinished floors. We can't even imagine the people put carpet on these hardwood floors so I remove the linoleum and I found asbestos so guess what thankfully it was all intact and I can just build on top of it but sometimes we have a bad past right right a bad relationship in the past we say hey you know what that's asbestos exactly so what are you do you just cover it up or what are you doing you don't find it or sand it and it's not exposed you can build upon it so that the relationship which one is really like a dios and which one to build a time and that's why I'm excited about today yes yes so it's a base in the grinding
that need to be sanded but with asbestos not to sound like a contractor but with asbestos asbestos to leave it alone and you can do that right which is almost everything is about the foundation the connection and I can't stop so you have to bring it back, I created a few books the details exactly with kind of what we talkin about that intimacy that connection and check it out on Amazon and it's called improving intimacy so what we're going to talk about today is exactly what you were saying is taking that foundation and specially and I don't know if I can fit a full moon I don't know and I mention that but what that really means is when there's a full moon the water actually kind of Rises and when water rises and I had and then I'll body
sometimes we have a harder time controlling emotions and we don't have the skills of what to do when we're not out back
you know what I'm saying yeah some of us run and hide sometimes you know we just need to acknowledge hey I'm not at my best right now it's a hard day yeah and you know when I talk with couples I tell couples bad your partner supposed to show the best customer service
many people don't I know that's why we're in business we could just know what if they took the advice from both scripture and your books and the other books that are out there somewhere to our gas
I'd be different but it is harder to apply to her own life isn't it it really has yeah definitely and so just like you said in the sense of our guests are coming on today they're going to talk to us about couples and how to his like why not let me introduce our guest cuz I'm so excited about having them on dr. Ray and Jane they are a couple that really helps couples connects two couples Synergy and which we are going to dig deep into that and they have been married since Valentine's Day which is amazing since the 1998 which went over to almost 20 years and they co-founded a podcast called Tapas energy and they also do couples retreat they also do sessions that located basically out in Chicago they have a master's degree in Clinical Psychology and they have a great Co-op a new book called
foundries in great relationship welcome doctor Ang
after having us are you guys doing very excited to be here and then I'll have them. You can go ahead and say I hit a wrong mistake us for the Kardashians which is worth completely different Bridget version yeah my father is from Iran my mother from the Philippines and he's a doctor she's a nurse and they Mets working on the same unit in Chicago
they met in Chicago Chicago where did you go where did you meet Jen the splines next to you community center 25 years ago now 25 years ago and I was doing a job coaching at the time and you were doing residential counseling and we had offices across the hall from each other
yes but that's all she wrote and yes we did get married on Valentine's Day in 1998 but that was not plans we actually wanted to get married the weekend after cuz I would have been the anniversary of our meeting but the church wasn't available it was available on Valentine's Day so that was before we even started doing any couples were in or before a couple Synergy was even a glint in her eye so now it's growing that's for sure but I'm solutely yes yes I own and there's a lot of chaos and drama going on and you guys use the word Synergy what exactly is your definition of and how does that relate to
Shaman relationships well the word Synergy it relates to the the whole is greater than the sum of the parts and so when we work with couples and we're working with three different relationships here you know the relationship within the husband relationship within the wife and then the relationship with Dan coming together and creating a separate entity a couple personality
most couples don't feed that enough most couples when we start working with them that's where they're starving they're keeping everything else in our life going and they're not feeding their relationships with Synergy I saw you know a good definition is like two plus two equals five like you said more yeah right for every couple to be able to create. You know something Raider and most couples don't know how to do that and a lot of times what happens is that they come and they join together and they just repeat a lot of the mistakes from the past
and they get stuck into this toxic dance and they're not able to break out of that so that's what we do is we helped the foundation you know the skills necessary in order to evolve and grow beyond what they were taught
so those people that are listening to this podcast would be able to live with something that they can apply to their relationship if they are in a toxic dance absolutely guy unfortunately know what is a toxic Dan describe Define that a little bit I have an idea but it would be but what's that look at relationships from like three different perspectives and we call those the yellow flags the blue flags in the red flags so yellow flags are behaviors that people are doing or not doing that he rode the relationship not spending enough time together not doing new things not investing in themselves personally and growth their own growth and coming back together and learning about the other person again so the yellow flags I was at the relationships that are
there for 25 years they've raised kids and then they wake up and go I love this person but I don't know this person and then we look at blue flag blue flags are like Flatline like in a code blue in a hospital and these are behaviors like being private about things not sharing what's going on on your social media or can fighting and another person about the relationship that is probably of the opposite sex and you're talking to that person more than your partner and your partner is not included in that relationship other ways of checking out you know if they're working too much and there it's a lot about keeping secrets not sure what's going on financially and then the red flags those are the toxic ones that's when you know gottman says John gottman he's a big researcher in relationships and and there's a direct relationship between selfishness and Trust in a relationship and so the red flags are one person relationship
very selfish there may be an addiction or maybe emotional abuse going on it's that the relationship is never become primary for one of the persons and the other one is more codependent and trying to get that person to change instead of working on them self
wow you did find that like wow how to say that I feel like I just went to a summer and not only that it reminded me of a couple pass Clans where I did notice a trend of the one partner starving and the other person you know where this selfishness came up that word came up and off a lot and those felt one spouse would have a difficult time trusting the other one so critical right really relationship if we're in a place of what can I get you're not really able to have a relationship cuz you have no control over what you can receive you only have control over what you can give and I was at
I don't know which one you said this but you said you know it's about treating your partner like the best customer service right and when you do that if everyone's in it for that fantastic giving and so I was thinking that she's saying I'm selfish I think we're born stuff is cuz right depending on something you know we have yeah we can't do anything for abhorrent and how that transitions as we get our needs met through a variety of things I get like a nice man how that tradition into relationships and like you guys one of the things that I'm running to on talking about cuz you guys teach couples and many people like I know a lot about relationships they saw my parents and then all I got is unhealthy yeah but you guys can you teach so my question is before we go to the break is the Boynton selfish
and maybe we did not get on the smack you know and childhood in this sense of attachment how do you go about letting people know that hey
you may want to look at things a little different I would say we're born needy
and we can't meet our own needs we can't put a roof over I had we can't feed ourselves and we learn as children that when we grow up we're going to have to do that we're going to have to figure out how to take care of our basic needs but we don't learn so much about those basic needs of our emotional self you know the attention the connection the need for acceptance and appreciation and so we don't learn that we also are supposed to learn how to grow and meet those needs of ourselves as well and every relationship you write starts out as parent-child eat on that's the transition that is if a couple does this well they're they're literally shifting from the parent-child relationship
to an adult adult relationship and they both do it they both flip-flop between who's the parents of child and that's pretty much a consistency that every couple when I come together they start out with this parent-child relationship and that's because that's what they've been taught by their parents or their first relationship is with their parents they know the role of being a child and they know the role of their parents so when he come together in a committed relationship we superimpose that on to our partner and in the beginning that's okay because now you're you're you're a challenge to grow and challenge to evolve and part of that is is emotional vulnerability and that is something that most people are not taught or actually talk to shy away from emotional vulnerability and in order to have true intimacy with a committed partner you have to have true emotional vulnerability with them
and so that is some of the things that we teach couples how to do as well as delving into that cuz it's uncomfortable right it brings up a lot of pain a lot of you know past hurts and when you delve into any lean into that emotional pain that's when you find some understanding of your partner true understanding of yourself and evolve beyond what do you like back in the moment are you going to take a vacation in Paradise medication to rekindle the prussians were you and your partner actually hear each other and game inside if so vacation counseling is your next vacation April Brown who created vacation Counseling in Southwest Florida as a perfect option for you and your partner our Retreat are one couple at a time we have a variety of packages available to choose from including virtual Couples Retreat
if you and your partner interested in the vacation counseling please visit us at vacation for more information on pricing and packages also follow us on Instagram and Facebook to keep track of the latest news stories activities or coupons on vacation counseling and Doctor April's other services we encourage you to sign up to receive a monthly newsletter called intimate connection dr. April Brown. Calm remember if you and your partner are struggling with communication and intimacy and you all are looking for a retreat to connect vacation counseling can be your next vacation in Southwest Florida
welcome back flipping and intimacy show where intimacy is real we can talk a lot about intimacy and we're just about to get there so what is you guys definition of intimacy and how does that impact would you guys teach
you know what in the Bible it says the two shall become one
and that is a very very very long process like a 25-year process and it's what we call like merging and you're merging and you're creating a place we call the same dumb and the only the only people that should be in the same time as you and your partner and God
and that is the most intimate we can possibly get
it is the closest connection physically mentally emotionally spiritually that we can have another human being
and it's correct because they may be growing emotionally and others but I mean put it this way like you know what scripture also talks about being unequally yoked if you're not of somebody or with somebody of the same Faith or maybe even a different faith is okay but if they do not have like an interesting guy then you made your losing one of the three right and it's really about the common Vision that the couple has about what this is all really about and what their morals and ethics and and attention they pay to that part of their of their life. Man's research she talks about spirituality not necessarily religion but he talks about a common spiritual beliefs between couples and so in a couple can it be of different religion
but if they have the same spiritual believe then that is in one of the things that Bond them together
right when we were talking so much about emotions and I sometimes see a discrepancy in couples where one person believes like you know you are supposed to be happy you're supposed to take care of me every time I'm crying and all this kind of stuff yeah you're right but I see no emotion out of here yeah so what are you doing. I see your crime scene get upset I'm done yes is human beings we see out we don't see in and so we always know what we think are Partners supposed to be doing better and we give up our responsibility of our own emotional regulation and happiness to someone else which of course doesn't work and you know that's the fun is part of teaching people something like well they don't have a remote control for your emotions and if they did what they really put it to miserable if they could make you happy when they got that right so it will be looked at in our process
is one a couple first comes together it's physical so the physical person the two people come together and that's where the connection is initially and they set up a relationship they set up living together they create a family and then the mental part happens and that's like it's one of your process so this is the kind of stuff that you're talkin about eating before you can get to the real emotional stuff is you know can I count on this person are they paying the bills are they going to work are they taking care of the kids are they adding to our life and and can I trust them
and that's a very foundational places that safety and Trust in a relationship before you can get to the emotional vulnerability
the doctor he was talking about that requires a really really safe environment and some listeners may be listening and they may say oh my gosh I want its energy I want that great connection is it really going to take me 20 years or you know I don't have that time or they might say I'm 20 years old
you know what if it's kind of like you reap what you sow so if if you are not 20 years into a relationship there's a lot of work that needs to be done up until that 20 and there are a lot of couples that really get bogged down in everyday life all of the bills and raising kids and that becomes the focus of their their life and not the relationship being the Cornerstone and so the relationship starves over a long. Of time and once the kids are out of the house and now they're looking at their spouse Like a Stranger they've got a lot of work to do so it's not just about time it's about what you're doing during that time it was a study with with couples who were just getting together in a relationship and a couples who've been together a long time healthy long time for 20 years and they did pet scans of the brain and they showed that in the brain
lights up when you are passionate and excited about your partner we first meet them that area of the brain lights up later on in life too and the researchers are calling that real love because once you get to that that place you have is recognition of his true love that you and your partner everyone wants to pick the fruit the day they plant and you know financially we want it all but you know we just wanted to have everything and I would say the journey is a beautiful Journey no matter where you are on that journey and they're all really important things and you know people don't really realize our brains and our personalities are spiritually continue to develop over the course of our lifetime and there's things you just don't know when you're 30 that you can discover when you're fifty and it's a it's kind of all part of it and and then when you get to 50 you have more time and resources to really do that investment that creates that
a beautiful light off of your brain
yeah wonderful yeah and one of the things you guys just mention that people may be like what do you have to work in a relationship and like you said I'm 25 but you really have to work in a relationship I can't just come home lay my hair down say whatever I want to say eat whatever do whatever you really have to work at it in a relationship is a living breathing thing and if you are not feeding it is dying and that's what people don't realize is that you know why I said my vows and so that should be it right that it gets just bonded for the rest of our lives together and that's not true is it just like our bodies physically if we're not taking care of it we're not working out we're not eating healthy then you know we start to deteriorate and so does a relationship as well
yeah every couple that gets married is in Love on their wedding day
or they should be most people marry someone they loved and then what happens and you know I like to think about love like a like a garden hose it's just an attachment like I am plugged it in and my partner's plugged in but what kind of water is running through that is it dry is it is it vibrant is it like an umbilical cord or is it fragmented or my plug-in and other places and the pressure is now loosening up and so there's you don't feel that connection and everything that you do if you want to Stronger muscle you don't go lift feathers you can but you're going to get the results of feathers right and you feel if tomorrow you're going to get the results of more and a lot has to ask people if you invested as much in your job as you did in your relationship would you have one
you know will you give great example my goodness I was thinking of when you were talking about the hole and we have well water and some people will get something they have been at it is so their hair is not orange do my ears blue on purpose but I mean you can add things to it so it's use that illustration and it is about it is not work and sometimes we have to add that that muscle I'm not going to look at that other right and get and get a muscle you have a book and I'm if I'm not mistaken the boundaries good relationships as curious if you could explain that a little bit I certainly get it but
give us a quick overview of that book cuz that I think boundaries do build relationships and some people think that they do not
you know the boundaries when it when a couple is in a place where they're in pain everyone says it's because of communication across the board and it's not because they don't they need vocabulary right we don't have to teach of words it's because there is actually a break down within themselves the only one that can really violate your boundaries this yourself
and if you're not willing to maintain that boundary of what's appropriate for you and how you want to be treated then you invite others to do that as well and so you can't show up not caring about your own self and was appropriate for you and then expect other people to treat you better than you're treating yourself and how do you offer that to your partner if you don't have it that are boundaries is such a big buzzword and most people think that you know setting boundaries is making setting expectations for other people to meet and that's that's the quickest way to get people to buy Elite your boundary expect other people to do something on this one thing a human beings don't like to do is be told what to do so at your boundaries is what she was talking about switching yourself is understanding where you began where you end right and then also honoring it if you're going to set about it for yourself and not allow yourself to be treated a certain way but
you allow it to happen again and again and again you know that's where you are violating that within yourself and not showing respect for yourself you know we like to use the example of the golden rule right to Golden Rule is treat others as you would treat yourself but most people get it wrong and they treat others better than they treat themselves and then they expect yeah I'm curious with you too because you two are both of them in the field of counseling in love to help others yes and sell as Nina digging a little deeper when two people who love to help others
connect did you guys have a Learning lesson in yourself from these twenty years of the younger version to what we see now know we're perfect and we never fight and we never had to grow or do anything model couple yeah actually it's been very enriching and our life to see all these other people and there's even times when we fight the fight for the other couple you know like out has my version he has his version and we don't agree and those things have really helped us learn all of the stuff that we found to working with all these people and it's been really really rewarding for us also in our relationship
we have to do it we can't teach you if we don't learn it
yeah absolutely I mean we we are pretty transparent about our relationship you on our podcast we talked about the the struggles that we've gone through as a couple and you know it is normal struggles and the every relationship goes through you know this getting to that point whether we're going to divorce or not every couple gets there and it's their challenge to really learn and grow and that's really the point of being in a committed partnership with someone that's not to have that relationship last forever because even if a couples together for 50 years 60 years someone is going to leave at some point naturally right and so every relationship ends so the goal isn't forever goal is to learn and grow
and our partners give us the best opportunity to learn about ourselves and to Pro I want to know what happened yeah so what was you guys many couples now we're coming in with this seven-year itch on Google I don't know what would you guys mean Seven Year Itch. Just you guys had to learn from you know one of the biggest challenges and struggles that we went through was when I was when I went back to get my doctorate that was a huge strength that's a girlfriend that dissertation long hours studying and go to bed together because I'll be up late studying or I had sent the same time we had our business full-time we are raising kids and also I had you know the intern
chips that are full-time free you know and it's it's a lot it was a lot of huge strain on a relationship and you know we have done a lot of recovery since then because of that and I said that if I could go back in time I would not have gone and gotten that the doctrine of things that you always say is that what you do when you get married you put those rings on its like there's an invisible bungee cord and when we're dating it's sort of like we choose to turn with our partner but after we get married it's like you can get so far apart and then it brings you back together and you sort of weave like that and I think it's a 7-year mark That's when you really evaluating is this person showing up for me it is this something it's worth investing I remember being at a wedding and they did the dance for his like okay if you've been married one year leave the floor if you've been married five years and nobody left the floor between ten and Twenty Years cuz there were no couples
in that category
when I was asked to help at a wedding wants to do some things like keep the crowd you know interested I had okay we have a kissing contest and it struck me how few people really wanted to do it like those of you that are still on the floor kiss your spouse and they looked like what maybe maybe one out of the ten couples with a shy person I didn't want to kiss in public but that was very telling as well so when you talk about intimacy that's that's more intimate to kiss someone then to have sex with someone
that's why in the sex industry they don't kiss
yes yeah the Gina thank you for being open and honest and vulnerable about what you just said and sell for people who are out there listening and you were open and I was so busy doing next Friday and see how did you deal with not being defensive and you know I really was not wanting him to do the doctor it was probably the first time because I'm I'm really a person like if you want something I really want to help you get that but I knew that it was going to be a big deal it's a big financial burden for us as a couple very expensive thing to do the time investment all of that and at the time our kids were 8 and 18 and I was like you're going to miss a lot of
time with you know this stage of of his life and and I had to run everything else while he was off doing that until we were really busy and I think one thing that happened in the middle is he won a trip to Las Vegas and I think the entire trip we just hashed it out we had gotten as far away from each other as we could and it all sort of we were busy going through the motions of it but then we really had a time of you know like you're talking about with that vacation in counseling do you need that that intensity that time to really you know air it out let the feelings out and not run away cuz you're stuck in the hotel together I think I did run one I came back though I'm a runner, runner so you know it was it was that and then we had to recover from it and now doing the work we do I think
doctor that speaks a lot to that we have been in this and we we are educated in this and we learn and we constantly are growing and teaching from our own experiences and it's not just what I got certified in something and
I'm good you know it really is knowing that that seeks a higher degree ever can stop learning about whatever there they learned not done so doctor is that you don't know everything has a specialization like it but it's just like 7 years in one topic humility and I love the way you guys communicate in your openness because I think there's something when you get a certain point in life that and in that really actually build walls keeps glancing and individuals away because
well you know it's our humanity and people want to know how that you did make a mistake and that you did work it oh and obviously here you are since 1998 when you met and now you're helping other people and I guess it's just a wisdom of himself care that you would talk about earlier Jean knowing when you do need to take that week off for the month off
well not abandoning you clients but saying I need a break
absolutely and you know that that was a big struggle to get public with who we are in our relationship you know that you see the social media and it's like what what what do you put on there and at some point we just had to get to this point where we have to be proud of everything we're doing and if anyone knows about it they we have to answer to that and so it is something we're really passionate about is letting people know the real stuff and that's what we do on our podcast with interview couples about the relationships and people shared it's really beautiful because the images that we get are they don't tell the story the last couple we podcast did they said they were about to be divorced and they decided they were going to go for a walk every night and hash it out and make that decision and when they walk they held hands and all the neighbors are like aren't they cute they're at they love each other they're holding hands in there
like no we were like trying to give her get a divorce so we don't see the reality of what's really happening when we get back we're going to talk about two things 1 hour to talk about the dividing cuz and many of us you know like oh my gosh should be run Chevy Chase what skills and how not and then the second thing that I would love to go a little bit deeper on it's like you talked about the hashing out and I know you guys do intend stuff and how that's a little bit different and just catching once a week here in there right when you take a break and we'll be right back bring you your connection
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welcome back to the bring an interesting show where intimacy is real and so we were just not talking about running you know when you get so upset are you just so you know I got so emotional or whatever do I run do I say do I chased it or how does that work and learning about Synergy and what do we do
well like I said it doesn't work but you know and you know for some people it can activate abandonment you know for some people they can feel rejected and you know it did it can be a coping mechanism for some but it can also be a way of avoiding you know what a couple needs to actually work through so I guess we could talk about like how we figured that out. Mannan did this study of healthy couples in unhealthy couples are people that reported being happy and healthy range and found that they all fight the same way because we fight from behind brain which is our Reptilian Brain that's reactive and that's going to be what we learned in childhood so I have eight siblings so when something was going on I went in head
when did you fall I'm curious new sibling Light number four in the middle so my mom had seven kids before she was 30 and then head to more when I was 14 and 18 so that was the way I coped as as a kid and for you I was the oldest the only male so there was a lot of pressure put on me right and I do all the criticism and judgment was placed on me and so it's when she would run you know I would feel rejected and I would feel abandoned and so now it was this drive for me to have to pursue you know and Gavin talks about one of the dysfunctional patterns and relationships is pursuer-distancer I do and so that was a pattern that you know we had continue to cycle through until we figured it out and we figured that you know it is necessary for her to have some time
on her own to be able to process you know the emotions in the emotions get too intense and it is important for me to be able to learn how to process my own emotions and not be reactive and because being reactive is not never going to get us anywhere you know I think the other part that's really important is I always came back and we always try to figure out what we could do different and better and asking out the scale of a healthy happy couple comes back and makes those repair attempts right the other thing is when you're hurting you don't you don't know what you're doing to hurt someone else you just know when you get hurt like if I stepped on your foot with a high heel shoe that wouldn't hurt me at all and I'll be like what are you doing over there upset and I think it probably took me a long time maybe like 20 years of our relationship before I really
before I really realized the impact was having on him yes you do and I think you didn't really become vulnerable and letting me know that it was so hurtful to you and so we found ways of making it safer so you know he knows now that if I'm taking time I'm not violating anything within our relationship I'm going to come back I'm not really leaving him I'm just taking care of myself for a bit and so it feel safer in the relationship when we do that those automatic things that and it would go with it and I think part of the process is also understanding what that feeling or emotion is Thai too in history right to be called light emotional icebergs that 15% of what's going on is happening now but 85% on the water is based on history and so when we have an intense emotional reaction to something our partner said or done or did you know it is tied to
pain some wound that we have brought into this relationship house and that was part of that process is understanding you know what is connected to cuz the 15% that's happening right now that you can see like leaving your shoes in the what whatever people fight about is sitting at 85% of history but you feel it a hundred percent so you look a little crazy when your emotional reaction to something this big is this big but it's really what's happening and that's what we all certainly teach couples how to do is how do you help each other Frank your Iceberg how do you heal those things and it is possible to heal those because that part of us is no relationship to time and we can go back and apply emotional first aid and started healing process and help each other heal and that's really all to mately how you become intimate and merge
knowing when you were talking about that we at we come into relationships and some of it from my childhood and the things that you know we observed in our parents and then even maybe prior relationships actually have a question from an audience number a listener asked is it better for people to work that out their emotional stuff out probably prior to our relationship getting into a new relationship or is it part of why you think people get into relationships to heal from like
like I mean is it better to take a break and while you're on a break do your emotional work it seems like that makes sense before you get into the next one but it's an absolutely important to
into our new relationships I mean and our childhood I mean it's who we are it's part of our upbringing and even our past you can't not bring things from our past and current relationships paying for other people's sins if somebody else was unfaithful to me then should I be jealous of my current relationship that they may also
what should I do that emotional work what would you think that's inevitable that you are going to be jealous as a reaction to your past you know experiences and you can do that work ahead of time before you get into a relationship but really it's the difference between reading about a sport and being in the game
and so once you are in that relationship that is truly when you are going to learn
you have you read a book on how to ride a bike you don't know how to ride a bike but there is work that is personal in is you know yourself first and your belief systems and some of that greasy stuff is individualistic but our relationship relationship work is a whole different that you can't work on trust as an individual person or vulnerability as an individual person and so there's different license and we actually went through that process in my life I was in some really bad relationships and I took a three-year break and I became the person always say this to do by being the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and then I attracted someone and then to work starts with this your life cuz it's part of growth in a relationship to think that there wouldn't be a problem or problem areas that's really
it's not I need some people think well if I'm happy we're never going to argue well you better marry the perfect person then write as soon as long as you got perfect down your good you do I have to bring this up because it just reminds me of something that happened recently I think that this all boils down to emotional vulnerability and not sometimes people whether it's regarding what turns them on something that they like in the bedroom or don't like in the bedroom or if they like they're supposed to do or don't like them to do it it's about communication right to it reminds me of my my nephew his mom had been off for maternity leave and she was with him he's 4 years old and he she was with him for like 3 months and then she just went back to work and he when she came home he get her
you didn't know how to say I was scared where did you go I need you cuz he's 3 years old and I like to think of myself even and other like all of us like we're adults and we may feel it be like my little Archer who was Sarah didn't know where you went why did you leave me or why did you do that and then you just strike out what would you say to couples and individuals and emotional vulnerability and risk in communication
yeah there's a beautiful sculpture that was part of the burning man saying and it's this couple and their backs are to each other like this and then inside are these little children preaching for each other and if we could see our partner like the three year old child and when they're having their emotional upheaval it is something that old and deep inside of that's coming up for healing and and if you are with a child that was afraid of monsters in the dark you wouldn't be like shut up there's no such thing go back to bed you would be like answers let's get the monster spray let's look you would you and look at them you'd believe that he would problem solve with them and we don't see our partners like that vulnerability we think you shouldn't act like that but we do because we are and that's part of that iceberg that were trying to feel we have gaps
our childhood because our parents can only do what they could do and so there are certain things that we've learned and certain things we hadn't and that emotional vulnerability or being able to be comfortable with being vulnerable is something that all of us have struggles with when we get into a relationship now we have this opportunity to learn how to be safe or feel safe with another human being it is a very difficult process right one of the things that we're studying that the sex addiction right now in one of the greatest impact of your childhood is when your parents are emotionally intimate with you inappropriately and you can they lean on you as a child for their emotional needs and then we needs people grow up they can't connect to appear
because the parent won't let them go and it creates a lot of problems and so we can't learn it from our parents we can't learn that emotional vulnerability because it's not a two-way thing it's a parent-child relationship and so we can share our emotions with our parents but our parents shouldn't goes back to that leave and cleave like you know how many people can't do that because they are and have been the emotional surrogate or there
whether it was a divorce that happened and we do see this and I'm sure you see this in your practice as well and therapy doctor April that people come into the relationship and sometimes it is about the Mother-in-law that right there may have been part of it it's an emotional surrogates and the child has had to meet some needs at the other parent or the person that should have been fulfilling that role didn't I never applied thought that would have fight a sex addiction I'm going to have to do some research on that that's amazing I get that I had this like a moment at that job because they are having intimacy with that's emotional but not physical and so they're at their physical sexuality is compartmentalized
and so they go to places where there is no emotional vulnerability
to have sex and one of the things that you mentioned earlier and even dr. Kelly was kind of going on at all so I'm going to have both of you also do black mint and one of the techniques for couples is even learning houses sometimes take time out to learn how to self-regulate you know yeah you don't always have to resolve things in court can you do a time out that needs to have a certain time limit and you have to come back and learn how to actually talk and communicate which goes on to the last piece about the services that you guys provide in the sense of intense therapy couples and even that denotes the couples Retreats so can you talk a little bit about that and let us know if people I've been listening how can we connect with you guys at well first off couple is our website we do personal coaching with couples and the way that we structure
that is how you work with the husband's Jane works with the wives individually and then we come together the four of us and the coaching program is called couple to couple and in that way we were able to really address intensely you know the issues that the couple is going through and teach them those foundational skills that were talking about and we also have a weekend intensive and the weekend intensive is really designed to take the couple out of their element and to really immerse them in this time and investment together learning the skills also amongst other couples as well and so there's a power of the group that's together in that and we kind of limited to about 12 couples
it's sort of like you know you everyday you clean your house but every now and then you got to do the big Purge right and it's a huge investment all at once in your relationship with zero distraction so when you're working on your relationship in your meeting with someone from our week and then go right back to your life and so when you do that intensive four days of staying in it when it's uncomfortable you staying at you don't get distracted you can get down to those deeper levels which are really important and so each of the things that we do build on each other's we also have the home study course check 101 because it's like learning another language when you're learning this stuff you're like our how does our brain work what are those emotional needs what is this what is that and so we that's what we teaching the home study course is all those parts that you need
and then you can put them together as it as a couple in it in the unique way that that you need as a couple tones that makes sense for being in the Shell this has been amazing yes and for couples who out there listening I do think when you do those couples I'm intensive you know and when you have a mail it cuz I used to mail Council also and it's more than one therapy therapist it really does make a difference and so and then I'm glad that you guys have these workshops home study you know that people skills real life skills so thank you so much for being on the shell we really do appreciate it it's been an honor and if anyone wants to do the home study course we're offering 20% off for your guys listeners I don't know where they get the link you can
like there are also have that calm Biv thank you so much these guys are prepared a reason these intensive to work is whether it's with couples energy or vacation counseling is because so often we go and we had a 50-minute hour because I let you know it's the 50-minute hour and you it's once a week this is typical therapy and then you okay you're in the middle of it and then you okay we'll see you next week and then it's awfully hard to get back to it and that's why I think some people are like you know I went I spilled my guts I laughed at come back they don't know where they are so much has happened so intense it's really do work for those of you that are listening remember to follow us on iTunes also
YouTube Facebook congratulations on being in the top 200 relationship podcast in the u.s. doctor April thank you so much time and it's just great to be a part of this if you listening to us all so on iTunes feel free to write a review we have great gas that you can see and it's just been great to be a part of your day today thank you and I'm coming up on October 28th which is next week we had transformed in your marriage with the six pillars of intimacy with Tony and Alyssa the lanesborough they're very awesome of had them on before November 4th we have Marine Hancock finding Joy through grief and then if every 11th Jason Gaston on relationship and personal growth and intimacy and dr. rangeen you guys are welcome back anytime and it's been a pleasure thank you so much thanks for having us okay this is been to bring an intimacy back show where intimacy is real next week

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