feeling lost and alone looking for validation from your partner only to find the feeling of rejection and continued frustration your together yet so far apart now your frustration is turned into disdain and resentment your insecurities have begun to affect every aspect of your life ironically you have now become the cold and detached one shielding yourself from the uncertainties of your relationships dr. April Brown has created bring intimacy back a series of discussions that are designed to help you reclaim what you have lost along the way dr. April will help you ReDiscover and reconnect to the intimate relationship your heart so desires go to ww.w. Bringing intimacy back.com today and let the healing begin

Boca Grande ethnicity back she'll thank you guys so much for joining us today I'm really excited about the show today and I really do appreciate that you're taking your time out to listen thank you so much of course this is the last show where intimacy is real and on this show we ain't to help you increase the! In Elgin family networks Community a higher power basically we give you the secret power to infancy and on Today Show I have a very very very special guest and she's been on my cell B4 in the reason why she's been on my ship before my she's on it so now it's because she is an expert not only just an expert but she is a spicy expert in celle today we're going to be talking about how to spice up intimacy and today's guest is Paula Stewart of a velvet lips

and let me tell you a little bit if you haven't heard about Molly she actually has a practice down in Florida and I never win that he should have practice in Atlanta but mama is a lecture she got her masters of arts at the lecture I Clayton State University and she wants her own sexually education company called velvet lips she's also the co-founder of a great conference that happens at sex down South Conference and the sexual Liberation selected she studied human sexuality for more than 18 yet she's been featured on a wide variety of media outlet and it's well spoken across the world welcome thank you thank you for having me back again on your shower thank you so much yes yes so malaa can you explain how did you even get started in this field

started in this field mostly I would say pretty much organically when I was in college I was studying human sexuality and a lot of my friends would come up to me and just ask me questions and I mean ranging from you know how do I tell my boyfriend I got an STI to like how do I orgasm so a lot of the things that were happening is I was just like I'm having great orgasms and I don't understand why my friends are having orgasms I guess really go into this field because it seemed sort of natural and so I decided to go to your business so I just started my business and it's been going

in the form of helping people build up your sexual confidence via seduction communication and building up their sex skills so I'm excited to do that that's pretty much basically how I got started teaching universities here doing different workshops in there needs to be a lot of teaching because many times people even afraid to even use the word sex and you're really a very sex positive yes yeah yeah you know I think because I was coming from California I think the word sex just wasn't a stigmatize & Shane Don ashamed upon as it is in the South and being in the South and being in Atlanta for 14 years and then coming to South Florida you know for the past year-and-a-half has really been like okay this is a different kind

is the different kind of Life can I bring those values and things I learned from California throughout my studies even still be able to get the love and the orgasms and the fact that they crave and desire like what do you think is sometimes because on the show today we all talked about how to spice up intimacy but it really starts young and life in the sentence the messages

yes yes are the messages that are being taught oh yeah yeah I think I was very very fortunate because my mother was a teenage mother okay she really was just like Marla do not get pregnant

what time she was very much like these are the ways to prevent yourself from getting pregnant he returned to your body when you go through puberty, you're going to have you know you're going to be horny and so when you come horny these this is the thing you need to do and so it was really powerful for me what I do now it's like positive parent because she did not teach me to orgasm

it came from a sex negative view but okay so explain like I understand pleasure like she was like I understand why you would have sex and so because I understand why you would expect these are the things to prevent this from happening but if I could do it all over again I think about it I would have protected myself or I would have done things a little bit differently in order to in order to be more responsible about my sex life life life I'm I'm sure you seen it and I've seen it and couples that I've worked with especially some females where they feel like

Texas dirty even though they're in a marriage or in a relationship or you know it's just all about this please and the guy yes they shouldn't be doing it they do it to get the kids and like you said that you forget about the pleasure pot are they think that they shouldn't have pleasure

yeah yeah and it's incredible how a lot of women generally sacrifice their pleasure actually I was talking about that I think earlier today or yesterday I was thinking about like how we as women often sacrificed our desire our pleasure are orgasm or someone else's you know pleasure are things and I think that happens is real and so we learn to do we have to please other people by doing a b c and d and sex is it in one of those categories

people actually like to please me and I can get off on being please like I think that's a revelation right like understand what your desire is a lot of ghetto women don't even understand like what they did to become 40-50 years old and they're like oh I think I'm attracted to this Rite Aid and I think having for me having the ability to understand who I was attracted to at a young age and they will need to navigate that easily okay so yeah that's what I'm here for are the understanding your body as many women

I forgot the name of the book at the think of any minute but many women for some reason just don't even know how their body looks like afraid to touch themselves come as you are and I thought she talks about how important it is for us to know our body look at our female parts be able to know what this feels like in that splits so many people feel like oh my God cannot look at myself for touch myself looking at yourself and finding you know your G-spot where that is what your vulva looks like you know a lot of people have these options because you know your boy has to look like this

instead of just look like your vulva I doesn't have to look like these things like they're not to take that into consideration as well it looks like you plant a plastic you know you know even thinking about hair you know I'm here as a bad thing you have too much hair what is that mean it's you know it it's just a matter of what we've been conditioned to see it says another socialization aspect in technology being a highly influential on our bodies and learning how to just accept you

I think when you're part of it is seeing someone right what is the insecurities insecurities insecurities a lot of those things get pushed down and start making horrible decisions and War we start thinking we're not good enough and then we get the lovers and partner is in spouses who are not good for us and I think that is troubling piece but I think the first thing you have to do is get a recognized with insecurity is

do the work to improve upon a right at all often helps to build up sexual confidence and just take the compliment you and loves you for you right I might think that's huge a lot of times we get into relationships where people want to change as you and or we want to change them here and so we don't accept ourselves and who we are and I think that's the problem but I definitely agree with you and I think that's the foundation on having a better sex life more intimacy is loving in an accepting yourself and being able to hear like you say if there's some things you don't like work work it out therapy and stuff and I know that you have on your website a lot of different resources and stuff to help with that

sense of being more positive about sexuality because that's where it starts to fail or go down there you know the release like on all of that place you want to be with you so I remind people you're going to be with yourself for the rest of your life you can't Divorce Yourself yeah so you have to learn to just accept and love you take care of yourself yes definitely so yeah so we're going to take a short break but when we come back we're going to talk about

how to spice up intimacy with a partner okay today I'm going to talk a little bit about one of the new service says that I'm providing call vacation counseling and if you're out there listening and you're thinking that hey I would like to hear my cup my partner and I are struggling in a relationship and we don't know how to communicate in a variety of different things and we would like to just go in the vacation and work things out we have a new thing called vacation counseling it's hearing in Southwest Florida it'll be offered in summer 2020 time for a weekend or you can come for a week and a r b o u be provided with counselors and therapists and also some vacation things such as being able to do boating and massages

coughing so if you're in a relationship and you guys think that you need some professional advice and you would like to take a vacation take a vacation counseling for your summer vacation of the back so we were just talking about how the self and so now going from the so going to apartment because whether it starts off when you're in your early teens where there are all the way to your seventies whatever finding how do I talk about sex with my partner I think it's probably first but yeah and then how do you learn how to spice things up stuff for your young people out there how do you leave bananas computer system I can't even I'm so afraid to talk about especially girls and I got all you know if I talk about it I'm called you know my name

you know because I'm just too sexual so what have you seen that before

yeah I think it's funny is that we can do it we do it faster than we talked about it right to bed and have sex right and then but you talk about her like to say I didn't have an orgasm afraid to even talk about something they speak up because of me to call too aggressive Fitness everybody wants to please so the more the better

I seen if I think I've seen it sometimes that women sometimes don't talk up until their late twenties or thirties I don't know if there's any research on that but they don't I don't I don't know science for short men 30s and they are challenged you know a lot of them are taught to be a virgin Mary asked right and then when they get it's like when you have that dichotomy trying to shift from oh I didn't I don't do anything too I got to do all the things

such a huge range is like you have to take baby steps in order you know to get there and some people are just not patient enough. Little bit more yeah but I've seen some time specially in the younger younger couples that sometimes

there isn't as much foreplay

yeah they go right into it and then the woman is sometimes well I mean

because you need a good warm sometimes it's kind of like you do sometimes people don't make the effort or they're in a rush say they have to do something really quick or get it in however fast before the kids wake up or whatever it is so they don't really take the time and the quality time that is needed to have that you know at least 15-20 minutes of foreplay and in filled up so they can you know how that connection and orgasming

yeah and I don't think that's sometimes we explain that in the education of you said sometime it's just telling them to wrap it up or don't get pregnant if you don't explain the fact that there should be some impacts the significance of people having orgasms or just totally enjoying himself

yeah definitely yeah and so I'll so I'm working with young couples there's the issue that happened that when someone actually has a baby

and I see that a lot and after the baby then their sex life goes

yeah and a lot of that has to do with the I called the cuddle Factor the intimacy Factor right we talked about bring intimacy back a lot of times and it's usually something very simple such as hugs and kisses we meeting each other right you know I mention that I'm a 20 second hug and a prolonged kids can say everything and nothing at the same time but what it is is the connection and when we have the baby in her arms all the time we were busy or trying to do this and that and it navigating a new parent whatever the case is forget about this and so I think it's very very important that we bring intimacy back bring the affection back bring the cuddling back in a cuddle with everybody including yesterday

leave your breasts or whatever just being able to have that connection can help help with those emotional that can sometimes be simple things yes yes but you said hugging on sometimes even just spending time somewhere else instead of just the standard bedroom watching TV you know doing something else you know I'm putting in activities going for a walk going to the beach and I think sometimes too I think those are really great suggestions cuz sometimes people think that you have to spend money all the time and it's just you don't necessarily have to spend money on the timer

all the things that help you to bond with your partner more than just getting a dollar ice cream at McDonalds and sharing it to be a whole big thing what happens if I think also knowing what your partner likes

so a lot of time to make this assumption that we think we don't know what they like or they haven't told us or whatever there's a communication but I had a phone call recently a guy called me I would really love you to do I'm not very experienced special help me with some rules I how can you know tell me out and I'm like what is your wife like and he's like you to teach me I can't teach you what year was a different person like what I like is different from what you're so I need you to have that conversation with your wife and then figure out what she likes because I can teach you is she is she like to slap you I can teach you right but if I don't know

what she like there is no possible way that I can teach him something that would his wife would like. I think it's very important for me I also say how your partner right so I called them seduction learning styles and you know are they are they are they talked I'll how are you connecting with your partner on a visceral level on a learning styles level so that they can understand exactly what you're doing how you're seducing Right In Love Languages to you know the same thing and how you received you know receiving a give love but I think learning styles definitely more effective when it comes to seduction and in helping your partner in a more intimate and you know

connective space with you saying something that we've been saying all the way through but you let people know that everybody is different

yeah so you can meet this whole book about sexuality and give them do this I would do all this but every person is different so it's really good like you said to know exactly what your partner like like we all do because our bodies are all different chemicals and all that we all don't like the same stuff differently you know there's pressure across body is there is impossible to know what exactly would like so that's why you have to learn why you have to experiment why you know I have some sex hacks that you know those are just suggestions are pretty good suggestions

but you know even said Parks aren't necessarily going to get you all the things that you wanted

what is Amedeo what is some of the sex act

sex hacks I believe is write the book that I just cover up with Dr Jennifer Riley is coming out in April what is a clitoris shape and size by so if you are going down on a woman thinking about is her clitoris is it a circle or is it at an arch like she has a flat tongue so flat round round when you're doing well sexy things like that that's awesome and so the book it's coming out in 2020 April

April 20 20 20 20 the name of the book again and will they be able to find it on your website on my website and find it on my social media and go to Amazon and look up there but yeah it's ready now and I'll get shipped to you but when it's done and ready okay I kind of don't do that going around the states and and overseas just to talk about awesome about to take out second break and since we talked about some of the things you do we would love for you to just I'm sure without audience everything that you do besides the stuff on your website your services your conferences

all your boy lies in the sense that I'm voting things that they Wishin company, sex positive I offer Workshop Foster personal discovery of a dialogue and increase sexual awareness as well as improving your mental and physical what I call sexuality are right in thinking you have the tools so whether you are a survivor of sexual trauma or just looking for ideas to wrap up your sex-life we are here to provide Safe and Sound by r-vision is simple over here to educate and Empower people about agents and desires and I feel like it's for chicken reporting in until I also run

Back Down South Conference that is a three-day conference is all sexuality Workshop sex positive of course ranging from anything and everything you probably could think about regarding sex until we learned during the day very beginning of the day everything from naked yoga to you know how to have better oral sex has Justice all those things in between we have fun and party at night so that's in Atlanta every year generally the weekend after Labor Day weekend 2020 my website velvet lips sex ed

number one Marla Stewart Instagram and Twitter and Instagram

so you can so many different things to different people to yes I'm all all in the team octopus everywhere so I know we just finished talking a lot about the dogs not a lot that we just touched briefly on the clitoris and so I've been thinking we would just talked about what happens when a person gets married or not you're married but they have a baby and how their body changes in that kind of stuff and so I also have work with couples who are a little bit older and for some reason maybe the kids are gone but it's kind of lost her sex-drive desire you know and they want to get it back but

they don't know

a lot of that part of it too is like remembering why they got together right by my thinking about those memories creating recreating that they had like a brain and neurotransmitter is going

we had a great time it was fun and sometimes it's things are outside of the bedroom that are affecting what's going on inside the bedroom rain so it might need communication it might be somebody's not helping out around the house or helping with the kids or it might be you might be something like

I don't know

I have no idea not contributing to the household somehow I don't know whatever it is or maybe there's family interference or maybe they had someone move into the house they weren't expecting I know a lot of times in my couples like if there's extra people in the house like that that's that if that is a bedroom a sex right like having your parents in the house they're having relatives or other people staying with you and it's funny because it makes sense because when couples that go on vacation there because there was nobody there right there by you going to be free yeah you're free to do whatever it is you want so recreate that environment at your house so even if it's you know the kids maybe it's giving the kids away to relatives for the weekend maybe it is you know kicking everybody out the house

weekend or whatever the case

trying to carve out that quality time where is only you can really feel at home and walk around naked and get yourself right and I would also suggest even by C at the bedroom with flowers the rumors smells different things not coming home and I don't know why it's like I struggle with it and I am so anyway I'm hired help good. I know but that's good that's done that and I had couples of somebody say that they actually put it on the calendar you know the number to DD's things and then I'll park at least I was thinking about you we get so busy that sometimes you do have

you know

may designs to help us remember what's important yeah and I think to a lot of times people feel like sex should be spontaneous and I'm like no nose that actually can be spontaneous but it doesn't have to be spontaneous all the time especially when you're someone like me

is going to be hard to have spontaneous sex and so I think it's always good to play no romance in to be in a relaxed and not have to worry about anything I mean that sounds absolutely wonderful one of the questions I always get the intimacy is the question about bringing a third-party yes yes yes yes

so that is a huge fantasy real in Justin Lynn Miller's book talks about the tell me what you want to talk about how is that is that is huge people want to have an additional person is you have to have your stuff together first exactly exactly open couple but you're still you don't have a good base exactly going into that realm is going to be dangerous or that like you are on a good footing good grounding as a couple that I can write each other you have raised all the questions of what if what if what if what if the sex would that person is better what if you know

we go in and you start to actually have an emotional connection that person that we've been having sex with those are serious and deep questions that need to be before you start opening relationship if you are monogamous couple in the first place what are usually tell people is read a book and then read two more and then talk about it for a year really like talk about it for a year talk about read read at least three books about opening up know what that looks like talk about it for a year go to sex clubs don't do anything just hang out you know do we do things we can do to each other but just like hang out feels like see what kind of emotions are you know things that come up for you to sometimes those things around jealousy to be triggering and you can do some serious

damage in a relationship if those things are handled first and and and talked about and flushed out and yes yes I've had a couple before I get upset because one person had a different orgasm they thought but the oh yeah and you don't do that with me yes yes that's right and what are you supposed to say like they did that happen we booked spent about a year go to different activities often says yes yes see how you can feel it up so yes so it doesn't Facebook group see you know like really involve yourself and and see what it's all about and see what kind of issues that people have

and before you know making that lie cuz once I leave his left then you know there's no going back

bike ride with Dad and I was also with people that have an open relationship you said the communication has to be there yes yes sir sir mean you're trying to open up your relationship with your trying to have a threesome it's like you you've got to be honest and I think that's a hard thing to do sometimes a couple of because they don't want to are they scared to say something or do something that you know might be problematic so yeah yeah are there reasons why people should have been open relationship or a third-party A Reason Schneider

he said it should there be reason or not

if you're more monogamous minded I would say

so there's a couple of my client of mine and they are in open couple but they're open in a sense of just sex in once you know you can have consistent sex with them but once it feels like it's starting to get into a relationship restarting it emotional then you have to detach yourself how would you feel like if you are emotionally and getting involved with someone and all of a sudden like okay I got to do because the inside of the third party yes yeah and I feel like that's a yes

I think

it's it's it's challenge I wouldn't say don't do it because you know I counseled open and I'm monogamous couples I was just say know what your boundaries are know what your desires are figure those out first and then you can then bent over there okay definitely yes so some other topics on spicing up the relationship are toy

yes yes yeah we are great and I think they can definitely be enhancers a person so I know people are always surprised that I don't mean I do have a workshop in toys I thought you I do not okay I do not give genital everything died that you are naturally happy if you want to do something for you know in hand some play some hell you're definitely all natural stuff like things that you already have on you okay

I didn't realize there is a PRN all natural

toys are not my I don't know everything about the tips to spice things up

why is say like erotic massages we often times think of massages massages what we don't actually do is Foster an environment for an actual erotic massage in the sense of like learning techniques and moves that where did the the genitals are there's all sorts of different movements right so I I believe like doing erotic massages are really fun I like to do like sensate Focus touching the body in various parts of restricting yourself and

so yeah those are a couple I would say

hi I just teach all sorts of like

I don't know, I was teaching finger exercises things that you can do a lot of times especially with fingering can actually be a huge help when it comes to achieving jaculation and he's fought play like that play because not all penises are going to hit the G-Spot and that's just facts so you know if you have the right fingers

how to build up stamina arm and shoulders help achieve orgasm healthy u r us being able to be with the fingers but also the shoulders and everything yes and of course your heart and being able to stay at a fast-paced it's also important impacts. Sexuality and the significance of a relationship work out whether you're on top bottom whatever on the side effects is a workout so I always and I'm thinking about my client and I always ask are they exercising

exercising are they going outside and getting sunshine and walking around what are the things that they're doing to really help facilitate the stamina your heart rate up the heart rate up so you know what it's like when we're about to have orgasm a rumor you know having sex no building up heart rate is detrimental to necessary when it comes to like having good qualities yes I definitely promote emotionally healthy

yeah definitely things we think I talk about what you just mention is The Dirty Sock because I think a lot of times that starts a lot in the beginning of course you know but then as a relationship goes on and on sometimes that gets close to the waste side but that is so important especially as you talked about the learning styles oh yeah oh yeah audio yes oh yeah dirty talk is is huge

so with that I could use it for people who are you so I was like when someone talk Dirty I was like oh my God oh my God you're Talkin Dirty what do I do what I say and I was just like had all of this you know like freaking out I was like I got a master this I have two messages and I have to teach other people because if I can do it I can do it let me show them the way

exotic cars you can take online are you taking I usually teach online interactive classes in person so similar like this however I will be actually teaching that like giving doing video it's where people can go on my website and purchase that so hopefully that will be all ready by the beginning of the year do sign up and see video yes oh yeah wood workshops that we haven't talked about that

I mean I do you know how does Squirt workshops Workshop I do Advanced flirting with a lot has to do with the seduction learning styles and incorporating an erotic activities for play I teach communication how to critique people so a lot of times when we're in bed and we're like how do I say this or that or whatever that is just how to how to be tactful in your life about and during sex

I mean they're so mad I have like a list of like 30 something like that I'm listening and they may be thinking we'll only one type of person would go to that type of work. But one type of gender was like I don't know whatever sort of online apps and dating I've also had pursuing you so high right now cuz I'm like I know what that's like

Origins organelle threesomes and more

do all genders oh yeah yeah yeah yes yes oh yeah yeah I do unless it says for women only or for men only and there are open to everyone okay goodnight goodbye and that's great that you have that workshop on the different apps because so many people started because we're all busy you know relationships because yeah and how to navigate through all that yes yes yes yes yes oh that's fantastic yes I was wondering just to complete everything this year you doing conferences or Sheppard somewhere also I will be at a bunch of conferences next year I'll be at Southwest Love Fest in Tucson I'll be at the Las Vegas

erotic Arts Festival I'll be at skating change conference I will be at Smackdown south of course

Holly Dallas Millennium I will be there as well I travel quite a bit naughty nawlins I'm usually there a awesome awesome talking about couples but I do want to say that I really just starts eating before the couple as an individual yes yes definitely check her out you know I'm even if you're not connected with someone is really as informative to know about yourself know what you like and all that kind of stuff I start a little private group because I really am writing another book in a relationship but the first part of that book is deep within yourself what are you doing with your you like how are you what are your values and priorities desires naming naming the things that are going to make you happy and actually sticking to them

times again we trying to sacrifice the rest of these things in life by we settle job no car no money what am I doing like folks the method that I used to love in my life and in really a good quality relationship with the last question I have for you because you're busy you're all over how do you find time for Marlin how do you find time to

find time somehow weather is before bed or something like yesterday I was like you know what I am going to go get some ice non-dairy ice cream and I'm just going to like to lay in bed and watch Netflix. You did that yes I think it's very important massage right leg as I prioritize these things in my life because those are the things are in tahini healthy and so I can keep doing you know there's no you got to take care of yourself people need to hear from us

if they need any help to take care of ourselves yes thank you my Lord for being on the show it's been awesome I'm if you want to connect with her definitely check out her website is a couple of them velvet lips sex sex bad. Com yep sex down south she's also on Facebook Twitter and Instagram at velvet lipstick sad with s x e d the sex down South Conference and so please definitely go check her out and thank you so much for being a Michelle this is been bringing intimacy back show if you want to follow us please do so you can follow Mala also we can go into my website at WWE braun.com or bring intimacy back and we'll also on podcast on your favorite podcasts if you miss the show or you want to just try to part of it if you want to come back and get the rest

stop the podcast thank you guys and thanks everyone for listening this is to bring intimacy back she'll thank you