feeling lost and alone looking for validation from your partner only to find the feeling of rejection and continued frustration your together yet so far apart now your frustration is turned into disdain and resentment your insecurities have begun to affect every aspect of your life ironically you have now become the cold and detached shielding yourself from the uncertainties of your relationships dr. April Brown has created bring intimacy back a series of discussions that are designed to help you reclaim what you have lost along the way after April will help you ReDiscover and reconnect to the intimate relationship your heart so desires go to www. Bringing intimacy back.com today and let the healing begin

welcome to the bring intimacy back show where intimacy is real and on this show we aim to increase the intimate connections that you have with your significant other relatives children business your higher power we give you the secret power to intimacy to create a life you love or the life of love the life you create so when we're talking about intimacy we're going to talk about something very very special and tell my audience out there of course I would like to welcome you guys to 20/20 or brand new year a brand new decade and so and doing something different today we're going to talk about technology and I know how many times people think technology and its Mercy that doesn't work you know technology causes people to be less intimate nail today with Bridging the Gap between technology and sexuality and so on today's topic we have

add specialist an expert in the field one of the first four runners in this field and we have dr. Holly Richmond she's a somatic psychologist a certified sex therapist and the license and marriage and family therapist with an office in New Jersey Los Angeles and Portland Oregon welcome Dr Holly how are you doing today I'm so good thank you so much for having me and happy 20/20 yes yes happy 2022 you to yes yes so I mentioned you are an expert in this of technology and sexuality can you let the audience know a little bit about your background absolutely yes so I started my my work in sexuality at a Rape Crisis Center in California and while I was working there I quickly discovered that I was taught very well how to treat trauma what

wasn't taught well with how to treat what comes after trauma so how do we go from just surviving to thriving healing isn't enough there has to be the what comes next how do I have a healthy relationship with myself how do I have a healthy relationship with my partner with my family all of those things so that's really what I've been studying mixed up with technology technology Park episode that that's a little bit so I'm a somatic psychologist Dr April so what that means somatic means body so so is the body in Latin into me it didn't make sense to study psychology if I also wasn't looking at what the body was doing so in my practice I listen to as much what my clients are killing me with their words as what the body language is saying or any chronic illnesses any pain anxiety all of those things that have somatic Expressions so gosh about 4 years

ago now I was just sitting on the couch watching a technology Stone it was about virtual reality and all the sudden like it just the world exploded from you is like oh my gosh this is so exciting and I'm not a technophile at all I'm not someone who is particularly interested in technology and what it took me several months to figure out was that to me technology seems like somatic technology so is he specially with immersive technology like virtual reality augmented reality we can we're not just viewing but we're experiencing so all of these new technologies how they connect us it's it's moving us from you know just using our eyes for really using our body and experiencing as a percent connection so they just sent me on a course and I started studying all these ways that technology can hurt us and the ways technology to Yellow

hello God so you just thought you were just sending the couch and you just that's why it's because of something we do with our bodies and even I mean from the littlest things online from watching porn to connecting on social media sometimes those visceral or tactile sense right like I feel it I get excited when I connect with someone new or I get my feelings hurt when someone doesn't like something or says a mean comment like these Technologies just so pervasive in our lives like I said I just wanted to really understand how that was hurting how that was helping how could it make it more connected yes cuz I was so powerful people don't realize that when we see stuff how it impacts the brain and the body in the feeling and it's just through

looking of course with them be are you can actually move around and all that other stuff with this something that you thought you would ever get into that mrs. I did not see this coming but I really as I started down this path I just interviewed the biggest players in the space and then was asked to write scripts by a woman about woman's pleasure in virtual reality so is a little bit of educational but it was also entertaining so it was you know it's definitely still have naked people in it and doing things that make people do to make themselves feel good but we put the educational and that's how you got started yes and you actually have the Hope Institute corrector you work with yeah yes can you tell us a little bit about that yeah so the next

Stop n e x t - sex is really my platform dedicated to research and exploration of the intersection of sex and technology so what are the things what are the areas that are coming out that are going to make us feel more connected I'm sure you can tell by now I definitely leaning towards how can we make this better how is this connecting us how is this helping us rather than o technology is horrible for intimacy was completely stay away from it that's just not realistic right now in our lives so I just I want to understand how that is going to pair with sexuality and how we can really move in the right direction so no one feels like you know how many more how can I how can you define intimacy

I loved it when when you sent me this question I was like who that is a great question so I want to leave I think intimacy to me definitely it doesn't have to be sexual it can be special but it doesn't have to be to buy a receipt to me is presence meaning being present when we give our partner or someone were in a room with our full attention our present without distraction and we feel connected that to me and you know I love the old we all learn this intimacy you break it down into reinstein see me feel me step into my shoes I'm with you let's not do anything else let's just be you and me I definitely and like you said with technology now we can really use that and connecting and being present with someone right and a variety of different ways right yeah

20 mi couples come to me and say I can't get her attention anymore she's always on her phone so we have to look at ways when when is technology useful and when is it harmful so we can we can put our phones down for sure but on the plus side I mean we are these amazing stories of people coming together for a living on other sides of the country of the name would have never found each other and with immersive Technologies knowing someone better discovering this sense of intimacy that we didn't have before it's getting even more prolific and even deeper right by infusion mention right now I'm some of the benefits of technology in the sense of people being I'm a distance what is the mother benefits of immersive technology. So I wanted that that distance Pease I don't know if this is a word or term that your your listeners are familiar with teledildonics oh no we're not

April are the smart sex toys that can connect people across States and across continents right so you can be in Brooklyn someone else can be in Berlin and you'll both have devices and you can control each other's pleasure it's not it's like Skype sex to a whole nother level or FaceTime can actually feel each other's presence through these ass in the sex toys at you before it's done we go from washing to experiencing so I can ask you to imagine yourself crossing a bridge or climbing a Mountain Dew a pretty good job mindfully a mash-up with virtual reality virtual reality is a simulation so you actually feel it you know any read about virtual reality it's like people stand on the edge of a cliff

not really but it feels that real so when we're talking about Partnerships and be having sexual experiences together again this is just upping the game from any kind of teleconferencing FaceTime Skype anything like that to its actual spell sense of the intimate experience okay yes it's I don't think many people even look at it that way they just look at it as you know when you talk about technology or even in the sense of VR that it's just something that people get addicted to and playing games and I can accept yes yeah they don't realize how beneficial it can be the night I know that there's a lot of misconceptions out there

yeah for sure yeah it's not just for gamers of course the gaming segment is the biggest sector of the market but one of the fastest growing sectors is health care because they're discovering immersion therapy let's say someone has a fear of flying you would literally have to go the therapist would have to go with them on their right to try to get over that or if you're driving across the bridge virtual reality you can simulate this so they get the practice really in a much safer way and a more expeditious way right so I feel like we are just reduces our learning curve on on so many things in this even applies to dating what are having language says so I have a subset of clients that. Company in a lot horror adult virgins so get these are mostly men in their mid-twenties and higher who would really just missed her

reasons that intimate experiences that a lot of us start developing in our could have just grew up playing video games with his friends and just kind of like that and also be incredibly helpful just you again like boost them up on that learning curve to try experience and giving them the confidence to be able to move out the real world a replacement for humans this is in addition to for the people who need or want it and just going on with that because I've worked with a few and some people think when you're doing VR you're hiding behind something but what I've seen is that it's helped them to become who they want to become

and it's help them learn how to communicate in real life in the sense that I was not real life but in the sense of life and you know day-to-day yeah it's in so many times like you're saying this gives them the school to experiment to do a variety of things to yeah absolutely amazing the same thing a hundred percent again this is not a replacement for this is a teaching tool helps them feel the experience is so amusing to do just finished up with VR using VR do you also use it with couples I do I do so there's different apps that I can use with them especially you know if they're far apart working on building a platform to help teach people dating skills and B are you know like using different body length

Avatar you know how close should I be what kind of questions should I ask if I text someone within the first minute or two of knowing all of these questions that for a lot of people those things are second nature like they have special awareness for some people again like that those social cues just aren't there so in this way virtual reality is using your background how you started off in the trauma

you know and if you've experienced such sad play a lot of trauma and sexual trauma this why he is a good easy way of getting back into it one hundred percent thinking about doing that to how could we help survivors in a VR tool really reclaim their space so this could be something as as far as like saying no telling some guy to back off but again on the other side of it reconnecting trusting themselves trusting their body trusting another person knowing when it says it's not okay okay I know there are a lot of cuz you mentioned dating apps are there dating apps that use a lot of VR to help with this or not no not yet you know how to be our section some after dark playing with a little bit there's still some glitches that need to be worked out as far as we are you know you still need a headset those are coming down and

price adaptability you know the functionality is getting better so it's it's all there but it's just again this is not something that's going to go away so I really I should try to help my clients and the guy right about talk about how can we make technology as intimacy friendly as we can in this is also great for people with a lot of disabilities are some disabilities and giving them a chance to get out and meet people yes yes and so

what other animal besides the first four reality there's also the augmented reality is a bridge between in real life in virtual reality where I don't even know how to describe a menu on minted reality something a picture of the food to jump off the page so it's in between space this might be more popular than virtual reality in the future I think technology there's a lot happening right now we don't know if there's a lot of options there's a lot of options OKC things just pop up and dance. Kinesthetic learning about that many times people don't it's hot in here

all about sex at all don't do it make sure you protect yourself yes so with using with technology and seeing a therapist that such as yourself I can help you learn

so much about what's good for you you know and what a body in there yeah and what's good for your partner yes right and you know when we when we talked about pleasure Dr April were a lot of times at least in my work with women in particular were talking about using sex toys right right Toys R Us has well do you know I I spoke to my job everyday with my client is helping them experience pleasure and if they're experiencing pleasure for themselves and then they can have more boys are getting more immersive you know we have toys like lioness that can help measure your orgasms and tell you you know what works better for you so much happening with technology and we can't talk about technology and not talk about pleasure because we're in the sex text field. For most of it is here by yes

education you're right we never hear I certainly at least you know I think for Our Generation we did not get that message I think teens today ghetto this is supposed to feel good right interesting like you said with sex toys many people thought that was even bad to talk about it to mention it or something must be wrong if I'm using a sex toy and a variety of aspect that yes right and hopefully women now know about the orgasm Gap I don't know if you've talked about this on your show before but you know most women as in 75% right and not have an orgasm from penetration alone they need literal stimulation and sometimes the best clitoral stimulation is from a vibrator with some kind of sex toy so again we can't separate sex or technology in general from pleasure because in a lot of ways that would be taking pleasure out of women's pants as humans it's okay for us to experience

you should experience right right it take a little break here for a few moments in and I'll break Dr Holly can you tell us a little bit about your practice absolutely in my me all of that so I practice I'm license and practice in 3 states at the sex therapist but I practice worldwide is a sexual wellness coach so you can find out about me and my work on dr. Holly richmond.com so it's d r h o l l y r i c e m o n d.com and all of my social media has the same thing dr. Holly Richmond so I'm practice 90% virtually meaning I meet my clients on HIPAA compliant video conferencing platform for Mike switching clients FaceTime Skype Google Hangouts whatever they want to use some of my trauma survivors

prefer just to meet via phone just because that feels a little bit safer for them until we get to know each other better so I again at anyone can find me anywhere for my people in New York City I do have an office here thank you since you mention sex coaching when should someone go see sex coach when should someone and when should a couple yeah when you think there's a well I was going to say what you think there's a problem and sometimes she's late I should save before you know there's a problem when you get that first gut feeling that something's not quite right if you feel like oh my gosh I'm broken there's something wrong with me which so many people do go talk to a sex therapist about it if you've never had an orgasm feel like you have too many orgasms do you have if you feel like your libido is low if you feel like your libido is too high there all great reasons to see someone if you just want to find out more about how

how to make sex more pleasurable more intimate more connected therapist and a lot of the don't have sex therapy they do a great job at this but just to ensure that you're not going to find someone who apologizes any aspect of your of your sexuality I think a sex therapist is the state for Beth yes and you also do sex coaching I do I do and that's it's really a similar but more more directed like with a therapeutic center sexual experiences where I'm covering all of the sex coaching as more oh my gosh dr. Holly I've never had an orgasm

when you help people figure out the dip is like you said there's so much different technology out there and I think some more things will be talking about in the next hour so sometimes Technologies appropriate I can't think of a Time recently I've not talked about using text Voice UK awesome you had so many things we haven't talked about is sex spots coming

Westworld was on a year we have they are not even close to walk and talk and they can learn what their users likes and dislikes are I mean I work Fifth Harmony who is probably the highest and she cost between 12 and $18,000 by the way yeah but she is Henry and they're through Abyss Creations this really happen by Matt McMullen out of San Diego Harmony I worked with her with a few adult virgins and she was very helpful because she can carry on a conversation I don't

Berkeley the man that this would be helpful to them or just want Harmony discuss find me because a lot of therapists working in this area and I just leave them through different therapeutic or coaching protocol do you get Harmony and sometimes the calm even before they have her because you can craft her exactly how you want your mom is going to look like how big your foot is all of those things and I know a lot of people know we can't make women but remember we do this with me again it's just a tool to use it's not a replacement right exactly exactly I do think it helps in the sense of

knowledge yeah and Yea cineware Ness yes definitely when you told me the cops and I'm wondering is there right now that there's sex dolls but there are these instead of companions that are much cheaper probably cheaper than artificial intelligence be there but again for an adult virgin or for a sexual this is just a preference something that they need with another human being

play that there are shocked on the prices so that people can yes yes yes so the other thing is Digi sexuality yes yes so did your sexuality it's a really interesting topic so did you sexually means that it's for people whose primary method of connecting with someone else is mediated by technology doesn't have to be completely but they seem most comfortable with some kind of technological buffer or connecting device between them and their partner so this could be someone who prefers to communicate on dating apps that we rarely meet the person in, in and consent for someone that you would use a sex pot this would definitely you know I've seen a lot

Digiplex schools in this face again this is a highly social disorder or person that really just prefers technology doesn't I don't want to ever pathologize this this is not just for people have different preferences I'm dr. April I'm sure you've heard me say my specs positive mantra if it's consensual and pleasurable it's good is good sex as long as it's consensual and there's no reason technology is not either of those things right and it's pleasurable for the person using it yes and so people shouldn't be afraid to to use these different things to help boost up there

how they feel sexual a are even going back to couples that can definitely help in relationships and and that aspect right right for sure and again on dating apps are sex tech we don't apologize those but for some reason with VR or ar or teledildonics esmart sex toys and particularly the people are like oh my God freaking out this is like this is the end of intimacy I really don't think people are most people are never going to choose a robot or a synthetic companion over real person it's just something else to do masturbating some days it's something else something different to do than having penetrative intercourse with your partner yes I so what you're saying I'm people should be afraid that technology is going to replace human beings in the sense of

all different type of people so how one person feels comfortable with something it's fine it's yes I don't think like you said that we should just but there's sometimes so much negativity out there and I know you do a lot of educating yes I do as much media as I possibly can and I speak on that forms because this idea specifically asked and didja sexuality it's such a hot-button issue and a lot of times I'll say didja sexual or tell us some people are like what are you talking about right technology is an integral part of how they connect and if we connect connection to intimacy which I think most of us do when we're talking about

the younger generation for those like myself it's it's a new piece and it's an interesting piece before younger people I really want to help them understand how they're using it being perceived Miss proceed all of these how you can you no direct communication communication body language yes and so I'm one of the I guess the easiest Sex Type Thing we're talking about is dating apps yes yes that most people are on especially the younger people and stuff yes yes and so hot do you work with young female smells different people to want to connect with someone in and using all the different technology and went to too much being on all these dating sites and

David some backlash where I just get so many clients saying I'm not going on dating apps anymore I'm over it I don't want to do it right now then a month or so goes by oh my God I'm not interacting with anyone how do I how do I do I do I do life without you knowing people without being on dating apps so I have one chip that I love to give for people who are just like have dating at Petit and that's an app called Meetup Meetup it is is it made up just like when they do the activities yes yes yes I guess nothing to do with have to do with getting out in your community and doing whatever it is that you love to do whether it or crawls cooking classes looking at Street are formative dance experiences I mean Meetup has thousands and thousands and it's no pressure now they do have a category for single so if you feel like you want to dip your

go back in the water and you can go to you know a wine tasting event for singles and obviously the people they're going to try to have the radar off the next was someone you know yes I would totally agree with the home meet up some and I've done some meetups before and I have the philosophy on cuz I did one for kayaking yeah it was kind of nice was embarrassing just cuz I didn't know what I was doing but I realized that she can go and if you don't like it you don't go get into that one you can go to something else and she doesn't yes you just go out and try yep kayaking wasn't for me okay next week I'm going to do Pottery by You go out and try yes yes and if that's also the same in many ways it's the same in the sense of Thai dating apps absolutely absolutely so and I think the dating apps have been great because they give us so much more access to people that we wouldn't have asked

best you in our general area right even if your day today and go to the grocery store where is the dating apps just give us these huge pools of people so in that way it's good because it helps people connect with like-minded Partners like oh I'm not the only one who has a foot fetish sure I'm not the only one who prefers to connect sexually this way it down side of the dating apps is the defense of all that there's always something better out there who I'm dating this guy but if I just go back on the app what if I find what if there is that next better guy they can break up because so many more options who sells more people out there why do I have to stay with this person

we'll work through it and be stronger because of it and send tools and stop there on technology so there may be somewhat perfect and in some aspects and when you're dating with the real human it they may be in Perfect Isn't X how to balance that absolutely yeah humans are messy humans are in perfect that's why you know it wasn't so much my work with the dating apps to I'm talking about boundaries and sexuality in connection to me is knowing yourself knowing who you are knowing what makes you feel good and being able to openly communicate that way I was also wondering are there any precautions with all this technology that people should

be aware of

yeah sure so the first thing that popped a mind I worked on an article a few months ago it was called as someone hacking your sex toy so this has been any of your readers of heard about the smart sex toys you companies did get half it was several years ago now so they worked out those bugs that's not really so much of a risk any more liberally blocks that it's not arrest someone would literally have to be in the Next Room to you to hack into your your stuff for you to see what you were know what you were doing the other risks

technology can be isolating again there's this fine line and I'm not against saying that technology can solve our intimacy problems is it cool towards creating more but for sure I have people calling me you know about several times a month saying I'm just finding myself online all the time is the protocol when you know how many hours a day you are online and twice a week you're going out and doing these things you know it's a risk right when we meet we don't have exactly yeah yeah you don't connect and you get to easily move on and you know most people don't do that to other humans in real life when she met them your

I'm like you said the precautions things that we have to consider I love texting when it's two consenting adults doing it but oh my gosh I just heard the stories I hear from teens just make me really nervous So for anybody under 18 yes definitely so I'm thinking also with the as we've been mentioning in talking about sex texting texting

and helping individuals and helping couples connect

and we just talked about when it's too much and there's got to be a balanced and so I'm people out there may be thinking wrong who's actually doing this who's actually is it all these perverts using it is the best. And in reality it's normal people like you and I might not be with them all the time travel all the time that the primary sex check users does the smart toys where they can still feel each other through their toys control each other's pleasure or use the video conferencing or VR apps to really experience each other while they're apart or they could just be couples who are super into you know sex pause or sex toys or you know I think a lot of couples today

you know we weren't even close to where we were now exactly cuz we're in the last 10 minutes podcast right now what is some tools for people out there listening first tech tech what are some of the technology and I know one of the things you were saying which is really important and all of this right here is knowing your body right now I don't know if you have a technology or something to help people first get to know them self and that's self intimacy and that's for sure and there's several apps out there that can help and it kind of depends on specifically what you're looking for but I feel like a specially with young people is an app called Tick-Tock that's doing a really good job of addressing mental health concerns and sexuality concern but it's really again to ask you're going to look online

at the first step in connection with then it's the next step. That's the really important how do you take this out into the world and I feel like there's some great sex toys I mention lioness you are really helping women understands their orgasms We-Vibe helping couples have experiences have orgasms together any kind of sex toy vibrator until do I might have wonderful people be by working in an anal sex like there's just all of these all of these different areas that we have been afraid to talk about before because of being shamed and now the liberation of women specifically driving say all these things to my favorite companies are Dame products women wedge women designed and Unbound unboundbabes. Com

products leaves pillows all all kinds of things and man women are there just doing an amazing job right now I mean really the last 5 to 10 years women are are finally taking the lead with us and to think that the women companies the lading and the field and I mean the foreign companies are still reading and can you also just tell us again how we connect with you in the sense of where we can find you again and I'll take if anyone has questions or yes yes oh my website which

Dr fawley richmond.com e r h o l l y r i c h m o n d and on Instagram Facebook Twitter dr. Holly Richmond Dr Holly Richmond last thing I think it do you have a book coming out or working on a book and checking account to stay tuned in the next several months for that awesome and your book would be on Amazon yes yes

awesome wow was thank you so much for being on the show and for providing us with all this information yesterday I truly truly appreciate it and keep up the great work that you're doing thank you dr. April I'm so happy to be here this is a great way to start 2020 and just wishing all of your listeners lots of pleasure and intimacy and connection yes thank you Doctor Holly thanks thank you bye-bye yes thank you ideas for listening today for the bring intimacy back show us we'll see you next week thank you