welcome to the bring intimacy back show we are intimacy is real if you desire to intimately connect with yourself your significant other children Family Friends Community and you are higher power this show is for you. We explore intimate topics inspiring life story spirituality and insightful tips on strengthening relationship this show is hosted by dr. April and her co-host dr. Kelly now let's get this episode of the brain intimacy back show started because we share with you the secret power to intimacy to create a life you love or love the life you create now here's your host dr. April dr. Kelly welcome to bring intimacy back and put those who are listening on podcast we thank you so much for always listening and think about if course falling and I
I'm doing I'm doing real well thank you for asking yes yes much better you know I had to go to bed at the end of March and the 1st of April and I thought I was just recovering great to this week when I went to connect with somebody and it was I thought they worked with us till it was three years ago they left the university and like what I thought my brain turned to Mush so my post as are much harder than even the ones in the middle but I'm I'm I just excited because I'm here in Michigan with my family
good gag and I'm glad that you're getting some family love especially you know and Recovery it's very very important absolutely I never left my house but thank you for the vegetables yes you wrote about love and before we get started I wanted to tell you that course would be IP we have patreon amouranth patreon is a people out there are listening on a day like that topic. Dr. Kelly and I bring and they want to show us some love cuz you know love comes in all this yes it does so yeah if you want to show us some love please think about Johnny and supporting patreon.com VIP part. It is directly financially supporting the show and inside you will get some postal thing you ought to get some chips and it's only what
$5
definitely
yes OB everything that $5 is only $5 a great deal is that also on this week where I'm launching my new book called improving intimacy and it is a book based on intimacy as you never said we have a lot of shows about different types of intimacy to check out the book it's going to be on Amazon and it also be on the bring intimacy Back store so if you're listening about bringing intimacy back me like oh I didn't even know you had a store we do you store going to bring intimacy back. Com and its emerging store that I think today is that on the show every month we honor a nonprofit in the nonprofit that we're honoring now this month is to Sterling Center
The Sewing Center is an organization that helps children who are in foster care because many times children who are in foster care I don't have a lot of resources or Counseling Services install the Sterling Center provides counseling services for children in foster care what I really want to talk about if you guys know due this year we've been going through a variety of difficult things you know between cover Financial losses and stuff and still do sometimes search and find people who are what we call resilient
what is resilient mean is that you're able to bounce back and so guess what I have today yes I'll topic is 38 triple d's that's right triple D what is that is that a bar size is that a small but anyway on the triple D it is a women who have what I just said is resilient and she's not only survived she's drive through a variety of different things I would like to welcome Makayla Cox as our guests today to talk about 38 triple d's hi McKayla I'm glad to be here yeah so excited to hear about you and to understand you and and that kind of stuff yes McKayla is
1/6 time published author with almost almost the first time you get there ever again include hot dog medication a collection of poetry inspired by Cherish books books of motherhood a book tickets and take a breath do Siri and most recently her book on with his scripture spirituality and I'll culture Siri and then and then I did two more after that and then the most recent one was about our country and we the people okay you must be sent as we the people
you said We the People when does that come out March 16th 2016 game 6
that's the easy kind of mad when you talk about algebra and geometry or something like that yes what is this to beat these it is a journey that I have traveled through lifelong disability of legal blindness has had it my whole life I was born that way to always will be so I've never taken a breath or day where I wasn't it's my Norm so I have always done
and I'm doesn't bald eagle by mr. I don't have I have different visual issues than most people II e came into play at 26 when I got divorced and then
that was in 2005 and so after that I'm at the love of my life and we were together for almost 12 years including dating and then we lost in 2017 so death of my beloved spouse and automatically to Monticello parenting so it was unexpected complications from health issues yeah Joe is definitely about intimacy the one of the first things that we ask people and what do you define as in Sissy
I think there's different types I think there's different
levels of it I mean we have different relationship so you know so you can also be the degree of which you're close with people whether that's your mom or your dad or your family or your kids or your colleagues obviously going to be a different type of intimacy compared to your husband or your God I hope so that you know might be an awful thing whatever but
it's not just the type of intimacy we have in these very relationships and it can be in what ways are intimate with people like I have very close girl friends that I consider sisters you know what I am actually an only child that I have girlfriends that are basically you know my sister from another mother you know but you know that was a very different intimacy than the bond that I share with my children that I gave birth to you and you know that I did with my husband that gave me those children so it's there's all different kinds and all different levels that are not only experience in that way but can be expressed equally different in different ways within each of those relationships I think it takes authenticity and I think it takes one of reality yeah definitely I'm so I'm wondering I mean you've had a lot of challenges in your life where do you get all that motivation to keep moving to be put in here to thrive
I was raised well first of all I'm not sure your background of your audience's background but for my own personal background I am a woman of faith and so that's had a lot to do with it and been a major fundamental influence in piece of the puzzle for my life story and it play this allowed me to do what I've done but as far as what helped me develop what I needed outside of that is I was raised with the idea of we don't know what she can do because I was born in 78 and obviously we don't have all the medical advancements that we need now but their way further than they ever were back in the late 70s early 80s so there's no sandwich genetics or history to substantiate any reason why I should have been in the situation that I'm in with my disability so no one can really explain medically why did this happen you know why is she saying when she's not supposed to be how did it happen so they didn't really have a good sense of why or how
our even then because of that what my life would look like so my parents always took the attitude of let's just see what she can do and let her go and see what she's willing to do and tackle and as long as we support her and advocate for being an advocate for her and she is doing her best and never quitting and giving up and stopping then okay let's see where it goes and so I've always had the mindset of
I'm going to do what I have to do I'm going to do my best and I'm going to go for it and never quit never stop and never give up and
I'm going to do it just to prove you wrong if you tell me know and you can relax of a better term you can send back and hold my beer and watch so they just like how can I put it they weren't very overprotective they were able to let you do the best you can and provide the support they were overprotective in some ways like most parents are but as far as like I was never pressured in school like you have to make Straight A's or we want you to follow a certain path they wanted me to just see where I wanted to go and see what I was able to because no one really had a good
idea or pulse for what a life would look like when you live without the root of my legal blindness and visual impairment is what's called optic nerve atrophy I know there's a doctor. I'm not sure if her knowledge or background but yours but it's basically the optic nerve is totally screwed up doesn't work and so therefore the bloodstream doesn't go through correctly so therefore I don't process the image that are supposed to send the signals to the brain to say I see correctly and so it takes me longer and I don't drive and so no one really knew the sense of what that would look like in reality of day today real life so they had all these theories as to what she may not be able to do this or she won't do this or don't expect this and my parents never really gave Credence to that they just wanted to see where I went and what I would choose to do with it
yeah you happened to Kelly and I are both relationship therapist and probably will not be having technical problems but since we are in a relationship therapist how was the whole dating process when you were younger and your teams are really date until College I can't do college yes yeah I have my first boyfriend somewhere between the end of my senior year in the beginning of my freshman year when I went to University and went to freshen give me I'm freshman orientation and then we dated for a little bit and then I kind of just adjusted after that it work out which is fine cuz we were young and you know we had other things whatever no big deal wasn't it wasn't it wasn't a huge pressure but it was just that was the first one for me anyway you know I was late to that party in that part of life and then I just kind of did my freshman year and then I met someone at the end of my freshman year and we were College sweethearts
we got married and that was the one that was my first husband and ended in divorce for actually interested enough lack of intimacy and other issues going to really go down that path if you want to what is lack of intimacy mean
and how do you know that situation there was no sex involved out the window but yeah I don't care I was still a virgin two years into my first marriage yeah right now in a birth control that she'll do it and tried anything because of your face trying to be okay okay and then cuz I've worked with big couples that version and try and then it did not work out and this isn't getting any help did you guys get any help you said we had several councillors and
along the way of that Journey he had other issues from childhood and I don't know if it was something he did as a teenager or if it was his way of coping with lack of being able to do one area or all of the above but he chose to have addiction of sorts of town on the internet oh yeah in ability and you know all that whole mess and equation horn can really just
where they're not there for the wise because they get so addicted to it you know what I'm saying and with porn many times has so quick and fast like they have to be quick and fast and then when they fight with their wife they're not able to take their time for love of their life you know know that you know that make it there is nothing there was a lot of times I think he was so conditioned to other things that whatever I was willing as a loving life and sexual partner was not what required for him to be able to be used it literally aroused but also aroused and interest as well by that that bait and switch that hurt for lack of a better term to just keep him interested cuz he was conditioned to have that switch to be tripped by other things that piqued his interest in there for allowed his body to respond correctly and that didn't he didn't respond that way to me because I
wasn't that because he was conditioned other thing and it require different things for him and you know as long as you're two consenting adults what you do is your business but there were things I wasn't willing to do and he was smart enough not to ask because he would have gotten very different reactions did you also have that strong mindset like you have now or did you back then thank you know something wrong with me because I did think it first something was wrong with me until I started figuring the pattern out and realizing what's going on you know okay and if you know that intellectually often times in a lot of circumstances of Life what we may know logically and mentally and intellectually is one thing but our heart and our emotions still make us feel very differently and they don't always easily matchup even though we know better intellectually I can talk all day long what I know intellectually but the heart often makes it feel a very different ballgame right right it's not into this whole match up
that people could use action to make a chain yeah yes what was it for you to make a change that may be this relationship isn't for me and I may need to well we got married in 2001 after college cuz we you know did the typical thing most people meet at University and locate let's get married and start a life full of all the usual normal life events that was in 2001 by 2003 I had figured out the porn addiction thing and so we separated cuz I had to get my head screwed on straight about what I wanted and what can I be okay with and did I think this was possible I felt betrayed because in our case since we've never had marital Union and no intimacy I like it had already been violated even though it wasn't an out now no literal Affair but it was like she was going to other things other than me and so we couldn't have what we were supposed to in The Way We Were you know what marriage is supposed to be in the way
we are raised to believe and so I felt violated and in adultery have been done and as weird as that may be like a more gray form of it but to me that's what it was and that's how is that not everyone agrees on that point but that's okay and so I had to Not only was it a betrayal but it was also like you've already taken something that we were looking forward to having together but now we can't even have that because you've already ruined it before we ever could because we already struggling with intimacy to begin with because of your point addiction so it's like it was all these extra multi-faceted layers it felt like something that would be hard enough problem and issue anyway and it's all right but then you add all those what seemed to be inherent issues for us just made it that even more complicated and overwhelming and just really disheartening and heartbreaking and I felt shattered you know even though
want those things and have that beside after us and that wasn't happening so as a woman a true one and in my heart I felt just beyond
there's not enough adjectives in the world and so I even the rider
so I separated and then because I am a woman of faith I really felt like in that time we were part in the soul searching I was doing that guy still wanted me in that marriage to try and be true to my word and maybe have restoration be in a place where there have been much when you have time so you kept trying trying and it just never took and it never works and by then when I suspected again 11 it was January 3rd. 2003 is a year later almost a year later when I suspected still an issue and I was like okay that's it I'm done I've been doing this for three years I've been going to counselors with you we're not making improvements you're not wanting to put forth the effort and I believe there's only in the sanctity of marriage and the Holiness of marriage and any two people who truly believe and what they have together and are willing to work it out it can be conquered but both people have to be willing to do that and when both parties are coming to the table no matter how much one party May
it's not going to matter at the end of the day I'm in a believer that if God blessed them I couldn't keep doing this by myself and I can't make him do it and I can't keep drowning trying to save him and us and I was like I'm out I'm done and at that point I felt an inner shift that I felt like it was okay to leave at that point and in the state of you know which is where we were at that point you had to be legally separated for 6 months like okay fine you go to Texas for your job this is what I needed the next six months we will be separated if you can find it in you to do these six things then we'll come together in January talk about our next move but if you don't I will be filing a firm's okay let me know what I required and he refused to do them
2005 and then we were divorced that in the February of that year and then I even though it we had been not legally divorced until February of 05 I had literally been on my own a way for him for almost a year at that point so in that process of trying to figure out what was going to be the next thing and if we were going to be together or not I was working on myself I was going to counseling I was trying to get used to Mario's and what I really wanted in life and I went through a program called Divorce Care I don't know if you're familiar with that nothing really good program yeah yeah for women to rebuild your life after you know I did once I knew I was done and I was seeing what I wanted and trying to just enjoying kind of getting back to who I was wanting to be in my person and okay well I want to go out
you know I have a job I want to focus on that or you know I can explore some things that I enjoy you know just the kind of seeing where I wanted to be in life and then legally on paper not been that long I actually end up being too much after 2 and I have a bowl with pursuing dating at that point because I had been in counseling and Dunn Divorce Care right so we're going to take a small break when we come back I love to hear about your chapter to your beloved how that all in gold and how you were able to move past that hurt and anger and not get stuck there create more intimacy or take a small break and we'll be right back are you on vacation and Paradise vacation to rekindle the passion a vacation where you going to learn how to communicate where you and your partner actually hear each other and game inside if so vacation counseling is your next vacay
don't wrinkle Brown who created vacation Counseling in Southwest Florida as a perfect option for you and your partner are one couple at a time we have a variety of packages available to choose from including virtual Couples Retreat if you and your partner interested in the vacation counseling please visit us at vacation counseling.com for more information on pricing and packages also follow us on Instagram and Facebook to keep track of the latest news stories activities or coupons on vacation counseling and dr. April's other services you to sign up to receive a monthly newsletter called internet connection at dr. April braun.com remember if you and your partner are struggling with communication and intimacy and you all are looking for a retreat to connect vacation counseling can be your next vacation in Southwest Florida
welcome back to the bringing into mice a show where intimacy is real and today we've been talking with Makayla Cox and she is a women who is Drive I am not even striving mean Thrive which means she's excelled Beyond 3838 now and she has
do I be on disability
her divorce and now we're talking about moving toward her second marriage with the love of her life at this time and how he passed away so Makayla how did you meet I was at work and like I said it because I've been doing all the things I feel like my my my counselors, and I was able to consider dating at this point that long after being illegally or we met where I was working and he was a customer and I was trying to be the helpful little person here and we just started chatting and we went out and there is an instant connection and we dated for two years and then at that point I was trying to do grad school in Louisiana before we move to New Hampshire because he was military and he what's called iist Interstate transfer for one guard to the next so he went to Louisiana National Guard to New Hampshire NASCAR which is why we spend our married life in New Hampshire but I was
Rascal and we dated Louisiana and then we decided to get married and we just it was beyond perfect and I mean instead of the difference you find the perfect person you find the perfect person for you and we were perfect for each other right in the difference because I know there's some people who are listening and they may have had the experience of what you had in a sense of lack of intimacy no connection not even on a and I'm not sure on that sexual level and now the emotional level communication and in spirit and all the forms of intimacy to go from that to someone you can. How does that feel it was a struggle for me at first because I had been
so so rejected by my first I was kind of not comfortable in my Womanhood and then that role so it was hard for me to risk that again after what I've been through for three years and so and a matter of fact when I was separated I had a hard time even though I knew I wanted that I couldn't be okay with knowing the first one that I went through was ever going to be my own like that's there's no way that's yes I'm not yet yeah that's not going to be my face and even if that's what you said I'm not going to let those negative thoughts and even though I couldn't see it for myself
something that's supposed to be you're going to have to bring it to me because I just can't ask for it right now because I'm still trying to kill but if it's not supposed to be a part of my life and take the desires away in the desires were taken away and then I met John is my chapter 2 and we just were such a perfect fit for each other I mean we occasionally Flatley most couples but I mean it was worlds apart from the first one and we just it's cliche to say but it really was we were in The Notebook he was minoan I was a lie but that was our movie and watch it at least once a year but
and that sounds very cool shirts but it really was because of their worst commonalities in that movie in our relationship and what was going on in my own life that time but it just it was what was supposed to be and we are going to be our Ever After but then once again life is any good story or movie there's a plot twist and then yep 2017 when I was our story came to an end when his wife can join in and I know you also I mean it's just about intimacy and you have a strong say yes yeah and you you know you prayed and you talked to God and he brought you this GIF yes or no and then how did you deal with that
John pass away I mean how did your relationship with your Almighty father I can't say this right has not been arguing okay yeah yeah yeah yeah
so I'm not saying it's and there's been
I still believe that's never changed and I always will and I'm still alone with a faith that will never change a matter of fact that's probably the one thing is keeping me standing right now through all three of the Deez as we've been talking about but I've already
do things or whatever and it's it's alternate but then in some ways it's changed it to a different it has you in a way of things that you may have always heard growing up if you were so it was on the charger all I forgot I was and he knew it but you didn't really know it until you've walked it and so it changes it in a way that it's really really kind of really puts the rubber to the road
what you learned right by and I'm assuming you're talking about faith in the sense of being totally dependent on God now okay what about heaven and you know I really wish I could be with him forever but now I guess you're going to be my husband because I hang out with a lot of different respects and levels of what we hear about in the church and face you know how you know we're still human even though we believe and we have faith that we still have the Human Experience and you may not like I was saying earlier you may know it intellectually but it doesn't mean that my heart has been felt very differently are the last four years yeah and it's a good thing that you still talk to him because as parents cousin European to when your Chalice of Saturn mad you want them to talk to you if you want them with you and sometimes as adults when we are mad and pissed off at Jesus and God we should still go to him
yeah yeah it hasn't been without challenges but I just and it's it's taking its own different course in for over the last 4 years I'm not going to lie but
so they're okay it's one of the ways that you cope is through writing yes I've always been a writer I've always written I was riding when I was a kid I can't not not right if I'm not ready I'm thinking about it it's just who I am it's what I do and do you how do you type here as a person I love the idea of the craft of the truth art form of it that was my vision it takes when I don't have that much time to waste to do it twice myself and I do that handwriting but like for my publish work I only do it on the computer cuz I just as much as I would love to do it handwritten and then transfer it I'm like yeah I can't do that so in this process of the greedies when did you start writing your first book
the first one the Poetry one I started picking at when I was a kid in high school and I wrote it off and on for
LG's I was shoot 89 gray that was 93 94 so I picked at that until 2004 and that the reason is cuz what I'm in school because of my vision it takes me so long to do school and do well at school that's all I do I don't do anything else so I don't have time to devote much to anything else when I'm a student and so I had to pick at it and then I finally got that one and then by the time cuz I was separating a horse no 405
I finished writing it but I didn't get to publish it until
2011 11th 10 years ago with his crazy to me cuz like you know got in the way like okay I was dating and married and kids and I had the insane idea I should go to Grass squat to becoming a mom yeah I know that was intelligent but okay and then because I was in grad school for five years because John was in school and Military and I was in school and we had one kid and we had to do and disability and you know all the things I had to sit on all of my ideas for the personal creative writing that I've been publishing of the last two or three years so I sat on him for 5 years and then when I got out of grad school in 2016 first of all I did a self-imposed break I want to hear the word but I don't hear the words don't talk to me or leave me alone for a month I am dumping everything I literally just want to be in the pool for my kids I'm considering nothing for a month so I did that and then when my daughter cuz she would have started first grade that fault
treating Grass Court during that time and evening times on the weekends for my riding time and then I knocked out two and a half books over that year and New Hampshire until all hell broke loose April of 2017 when things took a turn and I had to get everything back together for my kids and that is why I have I can never just do one thing I have a ma in political science in American government and a graduate certificate in ancient classical history okay if I had a ba in sociology with the double minor English in history ok love learning love love love love when you do go back to school it is it is hard yes
how has the challenge been as a single mom
it's been very challenging I mean I did have to move back to Louisiana which is why I'm back in Louisiana because I was 26 hours from I had friends in New Hampshire I'm not saying that but a bigger wider kind of net primary no scope Network so I did and I figured not that my parents my kids grandparents could ever replace my husband and the father but I figured it would be helpful to be nearer to grandparents and my community to raise a kid and say we move back to Indiana in June of 2017 or we lived ever since and they laugh try not to spend the first year was hard it was kind of like my my daughter was in school that my son was in kindergarten yes I was still a stay-at-home mom with a preschooler in the midst of first year of grief to you that was interesting so I didn't have a lot of time that first year to really do anything other than just make sure everybody was okay and
whatever I had to do to keep my head above water and then when he was in school I was finally able to try and I just take a
a step back and look at things and figure out what the hell and see what I wanted to do next and start trying to figure it out and do the next thing whatever that was supposed to look like compared to the worst disease you are on your own kind of it was a you know you well I mean you and your parents but this last e had two children that she also had to deal with their grief right how did you make it through
at what I've always done the lessons I learned early in life at the disability of doing what you have to do and just pushing through and doing what you doing what's best for you and just getting it done you just hunker down and grind it out and you know how to do is to keep doing it is involved in their lights are already screwed up enough as it I couldn't make it and it's a screw gun for 6 months exactly mom's due on April 4th of 2007 mean it's none of my husband was gone I went to bed I was surprised I was able to sleep that night at 2 in the morning I was up for hours later putting breakfast on the table was crashing around me and my head was still spinning I couldn't say go get your own breakfast and you're 6 + 3
yeah did you know that said you that he was sick
know that they knew he was in the hospital but they didn't know to the Grammy they were young when this all went down and Sue yeah but I'm at 6 and 3 to understand what was happening but then to really understand what that all men you but yourself did you know that there was a chance when he went in but
this was a complete shock total everybody in the military looking like what the heck like we didn't see this coming
yeah yeah and then relying again back on your face remarkable and sell from your book what do you want people to take away what do you want them to learn the books of from you for me that's the message is Waukee journey of 38 triple D and has taught me to go from much tribulation to thriving and all things and you can do certain things no matter what your struggle is it may not be the same as mine and I may not be the same as yours but it's still struggle whether it's a different form or not it's still the human condition of we all go through suffering and tribulation on this planet so you still have to find ways of overcoming if you choose to you can choose not overcome it and then I don't know what kind of like you'll have that's your choice but if you choose to overcome it there's certain things you need to develop to help you to do so
you ever tempted to
how many times do people feel so much pain they want to know me you know what I mean by either drinking or sleep to take a nap by snapping is good but you were never tempted some people drink and drink a beer like I will be out with girlfriends having a margarita in the next to us I choose to sleep I choose to go to counseling and I choose to watch an insane amount of binge-watching Hulu and Netflix okay
what's your favorite pastime is yeah I work on my computer and project while I watch TV when it's not on network TV and I'll have my shows to keep up with I want to lyrics characters of their lives like I enjoyed the stories and character development and you know what it plots or whatever and then you know I like girlfriend time and so I'll do all my stuff like that all the time I don't live paycheck-to-paycheck I would counseling session to counseling sessions when my house is clean and my counselor comes is a damn good wig
good guy are you also open to dating again or how has only recently been considering said topics it's been a really struggle for me to try and
figure out that whole part of my equation and it's not as simple as you know when I met John in 2005 I was 26 and it was just me so I hadn't worked out it would have been fine because it was just me there was no other not that my kids are collateral damage but there's no other lateral records in the path of something went to crap or you know know is just yeah I'm a big girl I'm going to go and I would have been hurt but I can take care of myself it's a different ball game when you have other kids that you're responsible for and they've already been through enough they don't need another crap show right and so I've been a little bit more of a well is it better for me to put my desires aside and just be a single mom until they're 18 or are they missing out there was that whole it's a very much of a when you're in Greece and a lot of ways you find yourself in a world of Anna and both is never just one thing and it's a push and shove it
the delicate balance between double-edged swords and it's not just bittersweet it's it's usually painted with a hint of both Duality at the same time there's never a single moment where it's usually just one thing and it's hard to explain until you've walked it but it very much stuff to shoot part of the grief journey and so even though I have finally come to a decision for myself personally lately I still in the back of my head said what would John say would you be okay with this or you know is this really the best thing or you know oh my God what if this is the wrong thing it it's not simple anymore it's complicated as layers a complication yeah and definitely go back and forth about them
turo feathers I would like it to be a more neater and text like that check the list in the box is done. As much as I would personally prefer that and that would be so much easier and simpler and less messy it doesn't work that way I know he's my feathers at times and doesn't make me happy but it is yeah with my personality and I would like it so much more neither and less messy or doesn't work that way right yeah sometimes hard to diagnose that I just tend to have those Tendencies order and organization house is not my friend so I like things not so much because I personally want to be a pain in someone's butt but my nine times out of 10 if you see me do something or can we talk about doing something a certain way
Jillian you can get the safe bet is it goes back to what I have to do to be successful and Thrive and Coke and get around a disability so I do things a certain way because that is what I found through almost 40 years 40 Years of Living with legal by Nestor Vision on merits of what works for me and so I'm going to do it work smarter not harder and why am I not make my life more difficult so yeah I wish I didn't have to do things ticking and meticulous sometimes but I do what I do with life and I'm in your life and in most people's life also we have to be flexible yes and yeah
learning and accepting and liking or not the same issue are always the same thing right and if that's something that you're going back to that first day that your parents
talk to you and I and now you're passing that on to your kids I'm trying to
I hope they get a lot of good stuff for me will see you ask me when you're 18 and 21 okay yes God help me she'll be in middle school in the fall and a very short a few months and she's almost as tall as me and like that is not fair that is not right it should be at least eight grade before you're as tall as me. So how you wear my shoes right now bye-bye how are you balancing both parts of being a parent I mean I know a single parent for many years and she's 26 now but yes you have to be good cop bad cop you know just this whole
both Dynamics and I have enough mom is in my car like don't even try it because I'm going to call the other ones another will even call me so you might as well just keep it up right now and save yourself a lot of Heartache honey cuz you'll be better off 3rd if you just don't even try it good luck with that girl so besides I know you mentioned who who you watch Life what other types of self-interested can you do for self care to take care of it that I have not always been the best of self-care person when I was in grad school to your mama because I didn't time and I really really feel like I really did have time hours of your week been there and so then you're a mom and a wife and everything else and he's going to go in and he's traveling for military like it has a side from teaching me many things
is it no other time and hopefully none of y'all have to go through it but should anyone go through grief if you don't self-care you're screwed you will be so caring during grief if you want to survive it well because it can be the difference between drowning and holding your head above water and I promise you whatever the supposed to do list that is there like the dishes of the laundry or oh I don't know the writing deadline this always self-imposed to me I promise this self-imposed it's not going anywhere it will be waiting me when I get up for my two hour nap and I will be better
so what are you saying that sometimes you have to force yourself to get out of the bed
no I've had you make my productive feathers calm down and like it'll be okay if I don't do my project right now and go take her I'm an overachiever and I'm very driven and I'd rather be being productive and efficient and
yeah okay I don't need you on the other end yeah yeah it's really hard when you're going through so much and you're just wanting to keep busy busy busy and you think yeah yeah yeah I know that's hard for you but I've done a lot better with it in Greece in them
for the last four years scuse me that I have probably and other chapters and parts of my life so if it wasn't for the grief training I probably would have still been doing my usual and I'll just I'll do that later or I'll I'll figure it out you know I would have pushed it out okay whole different of their ballgame so all these 3DS there's been a lot of growth for you
yeah
yeah what do you think makes you so resilient I know you said Faith it's one thing I've always chosen to do what I had to do and sure will power being determined and just going to do what I need to do and want to do in life and not letting it stopped me I mean I can't always get around it but I can do it I have to I can't move the disability I can't change that but I can change what I do with it in a lot of things I've been talking about like what I have been talking about a lot lately is life is a choice in what I mean by that is we don't necessarily choose what were handed like I didn't choose I write to the swirl disabled before I even took my first breath I was already and didn't even know it yet I was a baby I didn't know it had my parents and even though and tallest
I wasn't diagnosed with it until I was three months old so that even know it I didn't choose that you can't choose anything when you're born like that now I may have chosen to walk away from my first marriage but I did not choose the the factors that went into having to result in that choice that was him and I couldn't make him do anything that he didn't want to do we can't control others we can only control ourselves and I definitely didn't choose to lose the love of my life and my father and my children have to grow up without their father but what I do get to choose is to Define my life and not let those circumstances to find me and choose what I do with them and think of it as like okay you're playing a card game poker Spades Hearts whatever you're given five cards to pay on the game you don't know what cards are going to get so you look at your hand you can't give them back but you get to the side of the player how to strategically play them to hopefully the end result of winning that handle whatever game you're playing or if you're an artist you're hired for a job
you are an artist who like certain mediums of art like you may be more into pastels or oil painting but the person who hired you want you to do something totally different that's not your area that you don't like you don't anything to do with it but you're hired to do it so you do what the boss says if you want to get paid and so you have to do it their way and you may not like that but you still get to decide how you want to utilize what they gave you to make this beautiful creation for them you're in charge of that so I get to be in charge of
what I do with my 38 triple D and if I want you to find me or am I going to define it
and it's not always an Easy Choice I'm not saying that there are a lot of things in life that are extremely excruciating hard choices but at the end of the day is still a choice and you still have to make it
I love how you put it in the sense of playing cards or even that the choice of we have a situation but we can choose how we react to it how do you sort out there listening and they have these negative thoughts that come into your head that is the second thing that I say and I think it's a more challenging part of it often times we don't control what comes into her head or what we make snow in our hearts and our bodies are our souls and we may not be able to control that but we can control and it's goes back to choosing what we want to do with the Stockton Building is what in mind that we want to choose to adopt in our lives I think that's why if you are from a religious background a lot of times a religion specially I can't see each other religions getting Christian we hear so many times about capturing your thoughts and holding them captive so that you know what to do with them and not let them control you
you once you have those thoughts and feelings that is perfectly normal to experience and have and we're going to as part of the human experience in condition but we don't have to let them run our life now I'm not saying I've always been to this I'm not saying that I'm not saying I have all the answers I'm not saying I know everything I'm saying what I've learned what I can share and I do struggle with it myself some days I'm more at the not so okay in the Spectrum and then some days I'm close to the kind of match the BOK spectrum and somewhere between especially depending on if I just saw my counselor was more recently it's been awhile so not so much right now but being honest but I can shoes once I've had those thoughts and feelings and process them do I want to stay on the more pessimistic side or do I want to see the positive side and try and see it it's fine even though everything may not be okay but what few things can I see is a positive and a thing that is good right now and
a little Joy no matter what crap show I might be in the midst of and do I find something to at least be great for one little thing that might make it possible to feel an ounce of happiness or joy wait do we want to see the good side of things do we want to focus on VBS things in life or whatever so I think it is mine said is absolutely came from the middle and that's why there's the expression Mind Over Matter
Mind Over Mind Over Matter scuse me and that goes back to the choice we get to choose that mindset that we adopt and it's in that choice of mine said that oftentimes the mindset of which we choose to have help us maintain the choices we want to decide to have that gets us going in the direction that we choose for our life okay if we make one set of certain choices it's going to take us down at totally different path but if we sent via voice assistant also takes in a totally different direction so that mindset can help us stay true to the path that we decided we wanted for our lives that will help Define it for ourselves what we want instead of us being to find and trapped by life circumstances or not so good mindset know is that easy know and never has to be as much as we may like to be creatures of comfort but it's not guaranteed a better roses we weren't guaranteed adjusting Fairlife
I heard someone say what time the fair come to town once a year and that's it's already come and gone by in life is always a constant change yes thank you so much for being on the show and Mikayla if other people out there listening and they want to get to know you and want you pick up your books tell us how they can go about that they are all on Amazon and my website which is kind of like a One-Stop you can find all the things there is my heartfelt meditations. Calm and I really enjoyed this conversation and I like it's an important one to have yes definitely and you're always welcome back thank you so much yes you've been a pleasure to have to thank you so this is going to bring it so I'm just to let you guys know what's coming up in the month of May the month of May of course is mental health awareness month and we have doctors there and he's talking about house help heart health and food is Dylan talking a lot about
dealing with eating disorders and it's Missy been on May 13th we have the whole mess Chronicle podcast which is talking about friendship and Tennessee on May 20th we have Gina light on five kids with six of a stimulating relationship she's also a sex therapist and on May 27th we have Colin Lloyd GM Covington nothing that's wrong but anyway median and he's really talking about the emotional connection you have with a child whose transgender I would like to thank you guys for listening and I want to let you guys know again on back of the store we're going to have an intimacy Journal that will be available exactly there now my upcoming FIFA call bring it and bring it to me back but improving intimacy is there I'm going to be there on Friday don't forget to follow us on social media and we can follow us on Facebook Instagram Tik Tok I'm also on LinkedIn every Friday morning
I am and dr. Kelly is on clubhouse on the hill I don't know you aren't out yet you have a iPhone or I do have an iPhone I have converted number and I will get you in the clubhouse OK only on iOS on iPhone and they have a variety of different topics and but everybody morning at 7:30 a.m. Dr Kelly and I have a room that we talked about intimacy and this one this tomorrow was talking about intimacy to fishing
OK I like thank you guys so much and this has been bad bringing intimacy back to where in Tennessee is real thank you