welcome to the brain and Timothy pack show we are intimacy is real if you desire to intimately connected with yourself and your significant other children Family Friends Community and you are a higher power this show is for you that's we explore intimate topics inspiring life story beer to Aldi and insightful tips on strengthening relationships this show is hosted by dr. April and her tell those dr. Kelly now let's get this episode of the bringing intimacy back show started because we share with you the secret hour to intimacy to create a life you love or love the life you create now here's your host dr. April and co-host dr. Kelly Watson to the showare intimacy is real or today we have a sizzling for you guys today good morning dr. Kelly whistle sizzling got it signed Monday morning and it's afternoon
local restaurant has added but he but he does to their menu and it reminds me of when they come with the table off Sizzlin in hot you doing I'm doing great today it's been a busy day but I I like it it's just enough that I get a break tonight and then I get a weekend yes yes the weekend is really great yes just take time and to have a lot of the you know what we're going to talk about today yes I do why do you think I showed up
definitely yes sober before we get into the topic of today which is the difference between sex and making love all I want to let our readers are out people out there now that I'm I do have a book out there call it's all about sex in Southport book on improving its mistake and you can find it on Amazon check it out and today what kind of get into some of the topics of that book and also if you're thinking you know hey I want to experience more intimacy with my partner instead of just talking about it being about a listing about it think about going or not Costa Rica retreat in February in the month of love we only have two more spots available if you're interested I'm definitely listen to the commercials I'll hit me up in any of the social media or go to vacation cufflinks.com
Tulsa counseling cuz some people think that counseling is no vacation right and what people don't go on vacation so do you know where people actually couples get to come together and actually have a vacation and counseling at the same time it seems like it would take away some of the pain and what people perceived as
so difficult like counseling right definitely and when you work on your relationship being able to get away and not being in the same four walls but then you know all the problems being able to get away think about it talk about it and actually experienced some fun activities it's wonderful so definitely check that out cuz I know you're coming close to the end of your year and we've talked about a lot of different intimacy things throughout the yes yes so before we get completely into our subject matter what is your definition of intimacy I don't know if it's changed since the show or this year of what do you really think you do
I believe that being on the show has impacted my view of intimacy I never did believe believe that it was just like sexual intimacy I knew that I had to be a part of it you know that it does start with I write into the night but when we started to have so many of the different guest on the show as well as hearing your perspective on what intimacy was because I know that we're body and your mind and your spirit right and if there's a trinity of fact right and it's always better if you don't just show up with your body and that's what we talked about sex or making love so I would guess to me as sexual intimacy is when you can show up not just with your body and it's the same way with personal relationship like I don't have sex with my friend right but I have in my friendship
and my motto in life is be where you are be where you are
and so be present don't be here I'm not here with you and wishing them somewhere else and fully here have you been in those two number stations with people in there talking to you but they're looking beyond your shoulder those are real fun and intimate aren't they your at a dinner party or whatever and people are looking around while you're trying to have a conversation why you don't feel connected and they don't even know sometimes they don't even think that about sexual intimacy do I have to be here for this
yes yes and so I've been getting into this topic the difference between sex
and making love
and I see it as well it's Misty I said that the connection and sometimes when people are having sex they're just it's just a body is no emotional connection and I'm not staying that long and I was saying it's right but there was a difference and I think the many people expressly their first time of being young and the the teens and of course in the twenties there's a lot of sex and people get that confused
yeah in fact it or they use another word for it
the f word now leaving stay you want to write
answers
there's a difference and I guess sometimes it be like hey do you just want to have sex if it's a sexual release and it's sectional but do you believe in this where I want to ask you because you are you're a certified sex therapist and a number of you have a number of the credentials in that area I'm in while I have helped people with sexual intimacy it hasn't been my forte do you believe that it's like some people just believe that people make love every 10 name Nicola make love or have sex do you believe that cuz I feel like I want to know what you think on this Riley couples come together and make love okay you know some couples just hook up for friends with benefits and all that kind of stuff but yeah that's one part and then I don't believe that not all couples even that are married
are making love
set a time what is the difference between sex and making love
I would see it as in the sense of that connection of intimacy
so if you're that say you're married and you're having sex with your partner and maybe you're just having sex because you feel like your partner just needs a release but you're like kind of backed out
and now you're just laying there or you're doing the Motions but you don't feel connected
yes I even some people have sex and they don't even like each other
yeah yes yeah I don't think that's making love
because when you what does we should go back into fine with love it
love is patient love is read 1st Corinthians 13 you might not have known that it was 1st Corinthians 13 at 3 and they said what they do find what love is patient there's many things that love is
from the spiritual standpoint but for those listeners that are not spiritual but they're like they would Define love is what they would find love as a feeling and emotion emotion perhaps somebody
bring me coffee or thinks of me or whatever the love language is per se write the book then the five love languages
you just played it and an excellent point our investments that love is an emotion but more importantly it is an action
so it is that giving God receiving that sacrificing
it's an action
and when you're the say going back to the sex and making love when you're just having sex you're not many times maybe even sometimes giving you just so focused on
I would least as your own need Yanni
yes but I did since in time it takes practice
and it takes knowledge of it
you know I mean how many parents actually sit down and talk to their kids about the difference between sex and making love and how to make sure you're never satisfied and all that kind of stuff I mean did your parents do that your mom's bedroom and it really was a book on how to educate people on what sex was but they never did show us that book we found it it was truly a book on how to communicate to your kids about sex but they never did that but we know that they shut the door in that they were doing something together
what about you family so it was not talk to me at all and so it it's through for most of us is through experience a kind of figure it out and sometimes educating ourselves so anyway if you're out there and you're thinking well I have some questions about sex and what's the difference between sex and making love or how do I know which one is doing give us a call at 188-627-6008 or going to take a break and when we come back we're going to dig deeper into sex and making love and at the different stages are you wanting a vacation in Paradise
a vacation to rekindle the version without the kids where you can learn how to communicate where you and your partner actually hear each other and game inside if so vacation counseling is your next vacation April Brown has created vacation counseling and Southwest Florida as a perfect option for you and your partner our Retreat are one couple at a time we have a variety of packages available to choose from including virtual couples Retreats if you and your partner interested in the vacation counseling please visit us at vacation counseling.com for more information on pricing and packages also follow us on Instagram and Facebook to keep track of the latest news stories activities or coupons on vacation counseling and Doctor April's other services we encourage you to sign up to receive a monthly newsletter called intimate connection at dr. April braun.com remember if you
your partner are struggling with communication and intimacy looking for a retreat to connect vacation counseling can be vacation in Southwest Florida
what can back the begin it's Misty said where intimacy is real. The Kelly and I've been talking about sex and making love and the difference so that's the Kelly I have you heard in the dating World especially when people are in their twenties that 10 times if you go on a date three to four times than you have. Put out if you ever heard I heard it doesn't even take that long to get to get to the 4th date but sometimes that's where the whole thing that we're going dutch is that if they don't pay then you don't have to pull it out
did you know that that was part of the the perception of going dutch meaning they pick up the bill if they pick up the bill then you're supposed to there's some inference that you should be doing something else that you should pick some up especially young people who are like you know I want to make a good impression
I think I like this person
yes yeah but I'm not sure you don't just go and do so I or yeah or I wouldn't have more of a connection
you know there used to be you know it's kind of flipped around a little bit there was always the other remember where stereotypes write the story of typos in that is that they're the ones that want to have sex right woman has to be like well I want to wait until the third day or whatever is flipped around I've actually heard from some young man and then I'd say you know they they just want to hook up and have sex and I want to get to know them
which you know what you did that's just sex right now you can't make love to somebody that you just met that's the real question can you make love to you just met
what do you think I I think the answer is no but we can believe differently what should what do you think I don't think I can make love to somebody I just met you think it takes time but it also can I put it that time whether it is time you know of course you know weeks and all that kind of time or whether also if you go through something intense together because then you're able to see how that person be acting sometimes that intensity of going through a struggle together and create people to connect better
oh yeah like the Foxhole. People that are in the war they are in the same class whole hiding out from the shrapnel and people are coming after them with guns trying to kill them and they jump in the same box hole in the clothes possible buddies because they went through that together fighting for their life and it doesn't even take more than one one time with somebody, and then the same thing having that struggle because you were in the same car or you were in the same event and you
you know you feel closer to them so yeah that that means that we have to have a. Of time that we go through in order to have struggles cuz you're not going to have those on your first date by the most cases I would hope not so is it okay that when you're with your partner especially since we just talked about new relationships to say you know the president asked me if I want to have sex maybe I want to make love to you too and maybe we need to wait what do you yeah we have a set that to someone you know when they ask you know in some aspect I'll tell you I haven't said that but I know one time when I had a relative that had an accident motorcycle accident and they were out of state in a hospital
and I called to send flowers and so I got the girlfriend and they said by the girlfriend told me he doesn't like its flowers
right when I say I said I've seen him hold a blower closer to his chest than any woman what's his room number and then I wanted to do an adapter April I came this close to saying it and you think you know him you only know his body because you see it but that means you know his body you've had sex with them like X number of times but if you don't do that he likes flowers we have a bigger problem you want to be able to know more intimate things about people than just their body and what turns them on board unquote right right that's what he is is knowing not just their body but knowing them and other things that they enjoy and look outside of the bedroom
right because it may just know their body after a while the sex has become boring
because it's just the same thing but when you start to connect emotionally
Minnie Mouse is change you know how deeply you feel about someone are you connect with their intellectual mine are their activities
it depends. Connection and it asked flavor to it you help people find the flavor in their relationship you have people sometimes it coming 10 dated and whether it's the male or the female or either one in says I don't know how to communicate what I want right I'd like to make love I don't know how to communicate what I want I think it was announced that the must be right about how do I talk to my partner about that it one of the things that I utilize it enough you've never heard it's called the sexual tasting menu have you ever heard that before a woman now that's good I know the menu is looking at basically sexual intimacy
a full-blown menu of what you like so you start off with the ambience
like what smells do you like they said the lavender is that Lemon Grass what flowers do you like Magnolias are roses what's that OK Google is is the appetizers okay so you write down the appetizers play is that the Yeah Yeah Yeahs whether you like a massage and nibble on your nipples are whatever the case is that what you like and then it's the full-blown Meal which isn't course in a course
Inn at the actual intercourse and then it's actually after that comes the desert
yes and you guys done with desert people think of maybe your menu is a little mixed up some of you think you're going to have your cake before you have your appetizer and you're trying to make love without for play that not going to work because I talked with your partner you can get out bring it up that way so let's talk about it as a menu you know what do you like to hear what do you like there it's really good to sit there and talk about it because we're all different and not every female semen out of emails to say
so it's really good and I'm going on to that topic me what you just were talking about men and women are different sexually and sell that for players like you said it's extremely important and and I want to talk about this people to listen up because kissing is a lost art and kissing is foreplay and it can happen not only just for play but throughout the love making you cannot
you cannot lose that are of the thing that brought you together the thing that was stimulating it first and I am shocked at how many people give up kissing maybe it's cuz I'm French I don't know but I just honestly can't get over how many people stop kissing
right and in some places where they're just having sex because they want you release for a lot of different things whether the swingers the whatever the case may be many times in those situations the people are not kissing
when you're making love
like you was fading kissing should be a part of it you know that challenge couples to do you know a 90-second kiss you know that's so they can ya be together and that aspect I know I'm like not only do I want onion rings I want to kiss
play oh boy but 90 seconds with some people are like 90 seconds because they will go to that peck on the lips
I'm hoping I'm not going off topic too much but this is one of you are an expert in this area truly and I think that there's maybe some people that are listening in and they would like some suggestions on foreplay I have another question that came in from an audience member but I'm going to hold off on that and I will get to you best but can you give us some suggestions for foreplay okay so what's for play couples out there listening on and it specially for men who are in heterosexual relationships most women's body take about 20 minutes to Walmart men can pop up like that so it's really important to warm up the body when you warm up the body that's when the woman becomes more relaxed
he's not comfortable and she's able to express herself more so for play it's really important when you look at for play I don't want you to look at it like oh my God this is so stressful just look at it as he on the playground.
You know two people in the playground yeah learning to just play with each others body whether it is on kissing the net playing with the nipples massaging a kissing dolls whatever the foreplay it's what does massaging massaging it's really good that warms people are false oh yeah weather for a lot of people enjoy oral sex which is great to that's just with the restaurant and you have an appetizer and even maybe an appetizer cocktail and that opens up
your appetite is it cleanse the palate between how many what's your men you'd have you had have you been doing meal where you had like a five-course meal or how many quarts is if you had the most in your life I have had a seven-course has no no no no it was actually I'm a European person that is a telegram their birthday for my meeting at the Europeans do I get a menu like a 7-course or even a five-course meal instead of like no appetizer yeah and you just get to the entree have your steak and you don't even get deserve by and would think again yeah the good thing is as you get older and the sense of as a relationship or a couple you're able to take your time
sometimes in the beginning when you're young you're like oh my gosh I don't want to get caught so you're doing sex in a car in the back seat of a car real real quick but it's so much more better when you're making love and you're taking the whole night
yeah I mean have you ever had that experience with 34 hours and you guys are still going at it another it's making love sex would also ensure that its rushed because I would think but I think of sex it's like we're if it's about a release anybody can do that that's his question and that she has asked you mentioned that the entree is intercourse what if we only have oral sex
oh okay well that's fine fine if you have oral sex and you're able to fully have orgasms and that's fine that can be be on tonight yet as you guys know I have you had appetizers and you like you had so many appetizers I don't even eat the meal so yeah so that is fine definitely yes yes yes in that question before she acting I was just thinking sometimes
for some ice that Cena the experience of young men
to get so excited you know they're like oh my gosh it's just so much water and they feel like I don't know if you heard it but oh my gosh if I don't put a Trader and have his orgasm like now my balls are going to turn blue and fall off and be a Latina and it's okay if your guy in your yes and you're in the system and you're doing and you're having fun with your partner and what happens if you lose your erection
it's okay guys
it will come back up you continue to play do not rush it because what happens is if you rush it and you go in and you like Ruth then it's done and over and your woman is the satisfied and I don't know about you talked to Kelly and even in on myself I think young women can I put it or not for me Express of what we like and what we don't like and I think women don't find their voices may be until later in their twenties or early thirties I don't know I didn't have a
avoid some people never find it yes whether is a woman or a man because if a man says what he wants and it's like bringing a line I had this was years ago but I had a client that it was a man and he said on a date that he wanted to cuddle and he said that word and it turned it off because it's so like him because he said I want to cuddle
like
wow what what is that right so then that really really messed him up like that I mean I really do just want to just cuddle I don't want to have sex right now what what's wrong with you you don't want to have sex right now and this there's some people who can if you're really connected with your partner when you can even just cuddle or not even actually touch one another and still actually have an orgasm
I guess the orgasm actually starts up here in the brain yes your mind is the biggest sex organ that you have that's why I heard I can't persuade but from a Loveless marriage and family center but anyway maybe it was Ed week but he said for play starts at breakfast exactly and that's when your kindness this is for married couples or partners and people that are living together you're how do you start your morning at breakfast think of that like your appetizer how you treat one another this is how you will treat one another at night how you leave one another for the day is how how your night will go so kindness does matter right because he even go ahead. I love this overlap I don't call it interrupting it's over laughing please please continue
Alia Bhatt kissing don't just leave the house
grab her grab him a graph each other kiss make out a little bit and then leave
I said you push her in the pantry and you saying call me back for you
and he was like what I said trust me she'll like it yes
take some rest right yes we're going to take a break and we come back and then talk about the wrist and maybe events boys in the sense of action in the bedroom will be back in a moment connection and your love in beautiful Costa Rica
February 27th through March 3rd 2022
who made sure it happened
vacation counseling intimate Couples Retreat your next vacation enroll now at the occasion counseling.com
welcome to the big an intimacy that show where intimacy is real so we have been talking about what's the difference between sex and making love and I want it now going to the topic of toys
yes yes using toys in the bedroom I remember when the toy parties first started I had a friend that said oh yeah I'm going to a toy party tonight and I really thought it was like what it's only June why are going to Toys R T cuz I thought it was for Christmas in the kids
yeah there's some couples that says oh my gosh I cannot use a toy
I guess that's a and I've seen this in Moorhead of sexual couples where a person feels like on my gosh if there is a vibrator you know that that I have to compete with that and be able to eat that is
not at all what it's big
it's been like especially what kind of toy is what they look like it's like I'm sure that some people would be intimidated but it doesn't mean you're inadequate there is such a fear of inadequacy on both genders
yes and I don't know if you know that most females cannot have a orgasm through penetration of a man in a traditional position
it's like almost 80% of women cannot have a full orgasm that way
so whether they utilize all sex which is placed or vibrators and dildos whatever the case maybe those things help bring more pleasure and excitement and just like I said earlier we was talking about making love it's like a playground and on the playground this toys
what was your favorite playground toy was it a monkey bar or the teeter-totter I hated the teeter-totter oh well I actually been to one of my best friends are scared of 50th birthday party if he has different things there and there was actually a woman they're out in Atlanta where they sell a lot of sex. And one of their favorite toys as we're talking about it's probably one of my favorite toys anyway is swings
yep. Do you know what it's doing is a sex swing yes does it have a hole in it no that's it bro I know what they are the sex and stop and but do listen I'm one of those people that might need to be sold on some of this stuff so just think of me as a frigate if you will so what Define a sex swing and I'm serious you know me. Please communicate because there are those of us that do not know when you were little you had these swings that make that kind of makes you feel like you're lying
the jumping one the jumping one but also the ones that put you in the air but I must make you feel like you're flying you know like like I don't have this gravity of the ground. You are yes yes yes so there sex toys or sex swings that you can latch onto door bars that I can help you and your partner have that same experience where it's like how come you're not grounded on the the floor so it brings in that excitement almost kind of like a mini mini roller coaster kind of thing yeah where you can swing
Staples gives a whole new visible to swinger
oh yeah you're going to utilize it naked or with lingerie or whatever people can have orgasms without body parts just you know could get a toilet touching but just that connection of being so close to someone and that one not person sees you and how's your back
sounds like there's a lot of trust in this yes definitely or maybe you do
yeah I kind of depends I mean everybody on the other part a good thing that we can talk about is different people sex drive
yeah and what you do when the libido is different that it has you know that's come up in my therapy with different couples that what to do when the most specifically if a woman if her husband their partner does not have that does not initiate sex she feels like she's not attracted and. Some people just don't initiate sex or they have a different libido than you so what are you doing you suggest right well it's a lot of different things I think a lot of men these days are winning their Partners to initiate I don't know where it's back in the forties they had that I was just seeing this Jaden yes and so now I'm many women until I can have my gosh I don't know how to finish it
or I don't even know what to say this wasn't something my mama talk to me you know how do you go about doing that and what's your parking is really saying is they want to feel needed and yeah they want to feel that you desire them and it doesn't have to be a full-blown get out I got to do the lingerie and jumps into ceiling sometime as just a simple touch sometime it's just a simple Whispering the year you know I want to spend time with you tonight yeah it's very different ways and for some people can localize it we worked on different putting out a teddy bear and a teddy bear means I'm into it but if you're going to say that if your partner is asking you for intimacy and I say for some reason or the other stomach aches or whatever the case maybe you just feel like you cannot really
go there with your partner don't just say no because that is like it I'll be texting you know thanks and then we're going to go do you going to like go pull of stepping out and say no if you like having a Barbie doll on the bed and if you don't want to have sex just take her head off feel like that there are you taking away yes yes yes so I heard this is so funny I heard this years ago when I was getting over 20 years ago I was getting my math my Master's in counseling and I heard the story about a couple that went with counseling and to spice up their sex life and the true story and then they said you you need to initiate you need to let him know that you want it so she came into the garage after you know bringing home groceries she sees her husband under the car and he was changing the oil or something you would not want
she reached down to grab the zipper is it goes Zip Zip Zip I'll see you in the bedroom and hotel and change the oil in the car
true story but the thing is is that she did she was like taking some risk it was saying she don't know of course she was appalled and all my word you can imagine right some rest you're communicating you're being creative you're being playful I didn't hear the rest of the story but I hope that that didn't shut her down and then for those who listen they're like well do I have to have sex with my partner once they should I just lay there
and fake it no no no what I'm saying to you is your partner wants to be intimate with you and for some reason you can't you really should meet at another time communicate postponed date like you know hey we can do it at slice it and that's really important but to just lay there and all that is like yes it's
so what those are two questions I may ask you as the sex expert here for bringing him is he bad show and all of your certification all of the counseling the men a couple chill pill what is a frequency is there a frequency like for some people they do only have sex once a month
what is a typical frequency is that change with age or because some men might or women might be listening to this and say I'll be lucky if I have sex even once this month and if I initiated there's nothing it's like completely
what's that called
Dead Silence
right of course it depends on everyone
lifestyle but a good overall I could get it three times a week
it's great if that's you know that connection
yes but it's something and I'm saying that's it to stick out but I want to say more importantly something that has a couple you guys should discuss it shouldn't just be. April says we need to be doing the two to three times and maybe you guys have peanut three little kids running around and I can't have it but it's something you need to discuss because if it's not discuss and one person at the higher one person at the lower it becomes a conflict between the couples so that is his really important for her to have that discussion
and speaking up the three little kids I almost had three little piggies but three little three little kids and the couple same boy so much for foreplay I mean we don't even have we might have 3 to 5 minutes to have sex. Let alone any foreplay doctor April what would you say to them out and maybe you only have to be 25 minutes for sex did that text went missing as we started to show off earlier and we talked about this many different forms of intimacy there is the forms of communication that emotional stuff that even the stuff I'm taking showers together do you know how intimate that is
how many times I mean you could do a lot of thing in the shower but I you're you're soaping out so you can kill two birds with one stone that's a stye
yes it does well that's some great advice and what would Mom as we round the bend towards the end of our time together what advice would you give to couples
that are saying we can't do two to three times a week we used to
and they hear that in there like while we're not even doing that anymore
like in there saying I miss that
hey are you out there and you're listening and you're like while we're not even doing that and you're missing it
first thing I would say is to communicate that to your partner
let me see the when you communicate it to your partner it's not something that you can Mina Kate in the bedroom this is a discussion that requires some sensitivity
so it's how you bring it up you know I'm saying you know what you never text me anymore you're always looking at 4 or we're not connected assistant that can come off very aggressive. G's ettore and puts this wall
many times if you would just say
you know what I miss you
I miss those patches I miss holding you in my arm
you know I would like for us to connect like That's Amore
start up with those I statements talk about I feel I need I want
that is so critical and expressing your needs on an intimate level
that's awesome and you know doctor April's Book fourth book is coming out and it is called it's all about sex but for those of you that are listening and you want to at least get the first will offer that to you free to sign up for the newsletter and it bringing in a Missy back that time and it was great in our morning meeting this morning hearing about how how well bringing in Tennessee back show is doing an apple podcast some of you may be listening to us on Apple we're grateful for that but we have upcoming shows that do you want to tell him about the upcoming shows or do you want me to do that oh no it wasn't next one on November 25th is one of our highest as shows that we had and it's actually a show where they put it I really got to understand I'll get to see a glimpse glimpse of a beautiful sense
humor. This one is on friendship and culture intimacy with guinea pig trail but you think it's going to be amazing and that aspect yet do you want to talk a little bit about that show what what I liked about the river earlier in the show today we were talking about how people when they go through through a difficult time they become closer when they have had trouble well that's how I became friends with Jenny big Crow because it was during Hurricane and it was like years ago I can't remember even which hurricane and she was from South Dakota The Plains of South Dakota it was her first she was like and I didn't even know her and I I knew a family member and I said hey come on over from your coasts of mine you can stay bring your dogs bring your animals bring your children bring your neighbors you can be say Peter in so that's what she did she came over and that's how I got to know her through that time and so Jenny big Pro is an Oglala Lakota Sioux
Indian from Pine Ridge reservation and it's on cultural intimacy and and how to different cultures can become friends and Zoe's go after that we have Susan boulter with self-care for extremely busy busy women and then on December 9th we have during their author of erasing the merging on I contact boys and hugs yeah so we have some good shows coming up in December which is always on
December the month where intimacy comes to the level of making sure we give
I think that's what the next six weeks about is about giving you notes your loved ones through being thankful for everything that they've been provided in our lives but also I'm seeing the people and you know giving gifts and Gifts can the definitely be experiences so
exactly yet so any of those people that are out there listening make sure that you're not holiday season you take time for yourself you slow it down cuz when he is running around trying to drop kids off to soccer basketball doing homework cooking wedding businesses yeah get your batteries and now
do we have to pay if we say the name of a company or something
Duracell exactly it was same here and thank you so much and this is Brenda bringing its Missy back show where intimacy is real