welcome to the bring intimacy box show we are intimacy is real if you desire to intimately connected with yourself your significant other children and family friends community and your higher power this show is for you that's we explore intimate topics inspiring life stories spirituality and insightful tips on strengthening relationships this show is hosted by April and her co-host dr. Kelly now let's get this episode of the bringing intimacy back show started because we share with you the secret power to intimacy to create the life you love or love the life you create now here's your host dr. April dr. Kelly
hello welcome to the bring an intimacy back show where intimacy is real so today is just going to be myself I'm dr. Kelly is not feeling well today but we have a great show coming up for you and if you're like you know thinking wrong you guys have all these great shows and you would like to get more involved we have Patriots and we have a paycheck on that you can join that's only $5 a month and it will give you into the back scenes of different things also you will get an intimacy tip once a week and so if you're interested patreon just go to hbo.com slash b i b what you know how we're always talking about intimacy and the importance of it and some of you may be like I would love that but you know what I really don't have anyone you know so this episode is for you if you're out there as a single woman as many of us are and you're thinking
I really wanted me to someone but this this is what this shows about is about dating but not dating and much additional you know like dating like I don't know back in the day with Mom and Dad and grandparents set you up with people or in the eighties and not even your friend set you up with people or even in the sense of 2000 when you're online doing all these I'm definitely okay we have something even brand-new more revolutionary than that okay that is what this show it's about and so I would like to welcome to the show. The Katy hijack the Katie are going to be here so it's doctor Katie Rings Goldie doctor ktrans Goldie
yours at my parents, Katie's are usually pay this back with so excited about having you here on the shelf and it dumped the cake you are from Australia yes originally from Canada as you can guess by mine on Australian accent for 14 years now which is awesome so do you have created something that is been revolutionary you know what I'm saying that I'm cheating not only created this but she has a wonderful background from being before treating this as you said your I guess your mom was from the 80s and their powerful
yeah yeah the ads and you followed in my footsteps by yes yes yes yes we are other day and we were this is a pretty out-there story but she actually remember is breastfeeding eat during a board meeting back in the eighties which is even now it's still like white out there but that was you know she was really pushing for women being involved in in the workplace in equal way and so back and maybe she was doing that and I guess the Apple doesn't fall far from the tree going to talk about revolutionary dating mythology for powerful women but you also have I been on TED Talk you also an award-winning designer and researchers said a 5-4 facilitator of Lego serious play your name on one of the 40 under 40 by business news in Western Australia which is wonderful I digital
paraprofessional chief of the Year by the Australian computer Society so you're very technical commission with love does not just help women bring real love into their lives but I'll take your understanding connection between men and women and it's time that we all feel on dates right and you need to start to feel like you're just wiping you to start to feel
like you're jaded and just over the whole thing and it just it really I think it's starting to really impact how many women snack what do you define intimacy as
o as a great question
I would say it has to be being vulnerable with someone being able to be vulnerable with someone because for me at my work is very much around the power of playing curiosity and I think those are very cute rules for being vulnerable but it's really that being vulnerable like I'm out I'm okay to be vulnerable with you and you're okay if you want to go with me and we're kind of stayed together and sharing that link that when you're playing even as kids You're vulnerable and you're just they are playing in in in the mood and their present
yeah and that's actually one of my clients
recently she's coming I think Found Love now but we were talking about just
but the powerful question cuz the local is is uses play in Lego as one of the key to rule for making perfect me dating for women so that comes we didn't we can talk about that background is a Lego serious play facilitator is but what we're talkin about is that when you're asking someone to play with you or your dating profile my clients while they have an invitation for men to play with them with on a date with Lego and what you're really asking them in a and I still romantic way and still fun ways do you want to be bother with me because and so it actually is really great task because she was saying to myself so I went through all of these experiences my butt and asking that question how a man reacts is really a really
really strong sign about is he really does he want to be available he would be willing to go there is that is he serious and it's I had some guys and she said this too would just get bit like anxious in a bit weird about me didn't want to do it and so that was kind of a big time for me, but where they were at and and maybe they weren't ready to do phone or go with me and they were my guy so it's it's incredibly powerful question yes yes yes so going back how did you get into this so hard you work in male-dominated fields and being quite successful and happy with her I was in my career but then finding that my love life just didn't really not the best compared to is like this big disparity and I couldn't understand why that was happening he was so this is professionally but I personally you were still struggling in
yeah yeah I want to come to realize that I think a lot of the tools you have to do for working in male-dominated professions you working as a power woman is it often the way you show up and not and not contacts is actually push and push men away in the dating contacts okay so so I went on this kind of question myself too and I started learning cuz I have those research background so I love like learning about all these different things and what's the best approach to this and so I did renew by different dating strategies for women and funny about time is the best approach is not one of them actually draw on what I would call like ancient dating wisdom by tell her Grandma's used today because it is a lot of those things around which would be more traditional ways of dating but I sure way for women to come back into their power but one of the things that you do and in the dating strategy that I was using it
is that you going a lot of first dates and it started to get really tedious and really dislike unpleasant and I would show up on dates and started to be where I was you know not not where I want to be with someone not ready to be opening and warm and so he just went over with an amazing man right away and he is really hard right now for everybody so I so I might work but as a Lego serious play facilitator Lego serious play is a methodology that was invented by leg as a tool for business to like team building and communication and Innovation, and so I did training in that and was using in the business world but I noticed that when I
give someone a damn about how it works because you're not building like cars and buildings and things in the world you're using Lego to build things in your mind and your body and heart OKC building better for and Story Goes totally different not going to dates and building car is right this is so fundamental to it and like saying let's build something together let's build how we feel about this or what what is you know what is a perfect day look like for you build what is that look like I would do this with clients and I would walk away from the meeting I'm just showing them how it all worked in turn would become fast friends we built this a lot more quickly
and so I had a little Lego bags that I had with me and that I had a client so I brought it out on a date and I just completely changed it for me until that date cuz I'm in my mind and if it's just me that I think I would play with Legos by it's going to be ours along the way that you do with Lego serious play to build little models usually spend 2 to 3 minutes building the models are very likes the real and they look almost like a Dreamscape so you're not trying to build something that looks like actually sounds really quickly with the building that's the discussion around like wooden to build me what are you sharing with me and then we'll do things like tell you about how they feel about their mother which is another important question or
if they want kids or you know what their life goals are and it's all of these like important questions that we want to ask you talk about but no getting past the small talk by it feel being interviewed a day or so now with and so it works twice on a date and the second time you met the guy yeah well you said a few more times than that because they were ways to grow it took a while before we ended up getting together but yeah so it became a tool that I used to want on dates and
and it's yeah it works really really well it's really powerful and it's that invitation to be intimate with someone in a way that's safe and fun and romantic come back we're going to dig deeper into the meat and bones love go and just trying to figure out how can we use it and how can we maybe find the love of my life will be right back thank you stop
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welcome back to the bring an intimacy show where intimacy is real so we're been here with Doctor Kate and she's been explaining to us how we can use the simple thing as Legos to maybe meet someone first my first question is why is dating height for men and women are men women and then how can we use love do I just have a really good question because I think in talking to women who are dating
bad experiences while you can feel very alone and I feel like all what I'm having this problem with no one else says it's because I'm older and maybe because whatever reason why I decided to turn logo into a product for the world I would get some market research and spoke to women around the world in their twenties in their late forties and they all were having the same problem a little bit older than what's the standard on dating apps maybe this is why I'm having a problem I'm so that made me feel kind of better that it wasn't just me but also like sad that this is a thing everybody's happening so I think if you're dating like this having a hearing that message the dating is really hard right now I mean it's always been hard but I think it was just extra doctor of Vic to it and there's a lot of reasons but I think a lot of it is actually because of the way that dating dating apps to become the norm
or finding a partner and that wasn't always the case and I do remember time went online dating is weird and the difference then was that you can actually put down what you were interested in so you can put down you know if your religion you can put your hobbies you could put your Interstate were you know maybe a bit more war out there and you could say I only want to mess with people who are out like that or I want to search for some reason just in the same weird thing as me but now it's just like swiping and so instead of being a way to actually find someone who actually cares your values are sheriffs know that strange thing or you know that thing that can use the value of all my dating that was just swiping we don't know anybody anybody and it becomes
people talk about getting dopamine hits like some people will it was to be spoken to will say I'm just on there to get a dopamine hit or not there to be seriously dating and stuff it from social media profiles and and they have a reception so they're coming in with the perception of what a person is in a person is also trying to live up to their to their profile which sometimes I mean that happened but, thinking when you when you play when you get involved when you start to play those you would come up on him but like you said get some of those chats and Europe you know because my panic because you're just being you yesterday ideas but what you want to do is actually get someone like one of the first things in the method is to get off today
actually see someone in person that's why you going a lot of First Dates cuz a lot of the other than this way frustrating is spending a lot of time and the Sea texting right I just passed and if you can get in front of a person that I think that's so important for creating that just the first level of connection intimacy and then you can actually play on the first or second day that's where you start to actually build so it's the first step is tools to get to get off the app and actually have a first date like a good first date a partner who that make a life partner want to get married want to have a life a life partner so it is designed to kind of filter out for other people who are looking for that same thing and so you haven't got nothing important thing to say because if you're you know if you're looking for a pool and it's hard to kind of figure
who actually looking for the same thing as me lying with what I'm trying to do yeah how does this program work okay so you would learn some work with my clients to teach them the different methods for basically it's like the first step is really about getting clear on what it is you're really looking for in a relationship I mean actually can use the Lego as a tool for that as well because it's a really powerful tool not just for connecting with other people but connecting with yourself and getting clear so actually one of the things that I did for myself when I was going through this and kind of inventing it by doing it myself and when I get my clients to do is to actually build almost like a vision board through the Lego of what they actually want in their ideal relationship I didn't doing that it helps them to get clear and I might be revised it and if you go back and change it but yet clear what it is you are
what is a surprise sometimes there's things and they didn't know that you wanted sometimes you realizing more flexible depends on certain things and other things are more important to you make a product that I don't know if you need to get to do you can get from Lego sets for Lego serious play so like business Lego and I kind of hacked it so I'm putting all these special pieces around that are customized so for example if I'm working with that I can make the kids specially for the people that work with me into you like nature and maybe a sports I'll put in pieces like that to reflect and if she's looking for a man that's a certain you know he's in the car so I built one that had car is in it recently car pieces to see where the guy was in the car
600 so yes you do that and then a lot of pieces are very the idea the recent Lego works really well at the pieces of candy can really stand for anything so they're very like breasts at all until you're bored and it is not only kind of helps you to get clear what it is that you're looking for but it helps to draw that that person in that relationship in class she went back and looked in the one I made before I'm at my partner and is exactly what I got by station to all right side about intention of thing I really want to bring this into my life might be holding me back how do I get there and then I teach had it how to bring the Kit the connection kit logo connection kit on a date I teach how it's
how is to basically sort of half the way that you use a dating app or intentionally is a dating app to filter for guys were serious about you serious about a relationship that match the values that you kind of created and perfected in your vision board so that's how it all works until it's you're still using dating apps date anyway you want on dating apps are part of it if you want to do that but it really it it changes the way that you dated changes it really makes that intentionality there yeah so it it helps to get your energy back and helps to really be you know not all this time on task just feeling you know it's like being on social media all the time I just horrible
yeah it's so I'm on the first party said on building what you're looking for or what you want do you just like a vision board do you keep that you don't destroy that you keep that so you see it everyday yeah you can or you can take a photo of it what I did is what I made it I made a video of myself explaining it to myself so I can look back at it so you make it cuz it's like you can move the camera around it's almost the only two showing the different pieces of a model so this is this part in this means this and think I'd like a treasure chest with gold in it on the top of a ladder and you know that kind of like nice metaphor. Oh yeah keep it built if you wanted or build it again in a rebuild it when she may be gone a few days in your eyes actually I really wanted this and that
I still have those things pretty the one that that you're projecting what you want they're pretty huge you know I'm just imagining they don't have to be like in there's no limit to what you want to build mine was maybe a dinner plate size but that pieces were all kind of they weren't like it was like a massive Model A with you know the pieces can be separated or connected with like a little piece so there's like Lego strength that you can snack things with so it might be spread out what it is and then there's nothing to stop you like you know how that represents yourself in some aspects exactly and there's pieces I mean this I will show this to you this one piece is one of my favorite pieces here and I'll do description people with me
but this is a it's a plant with a little green kind of boy or shrub but I love this one because it can be so many different things you can put it on a green spiky shrub but you can put it on the head of a Lego character so this can be like it can represent Natura can be the head of a Lego character on Lego person where it's kind of like your mind is blowing it can be like an explosion it can be all sorts of different things and that's really the power of it is that it's what what does it mean to you what is it in the last for you and you really can put that many on to it and so that's why it becomes aggressive hold that you know like you've been just a simple like white brick can be you know this can be a bed and be a foundation it can be you know that thing that's connecting you to a man or the thing that's pushing you away. So many different things and that's kind of
let you know what you want so when you're in the dating apps or when you're talking to the do you bring it up there like right away yeah that you know we going today this is what I do generally recommend is that you put on your profile that you left if I was like oh and ties absolutely love that too and the other kind of thing about this is that men love the idea of a woman who brings his men love to you know some of his men don't want to talk as much and so if they can express how they feel through play nose like a safer way for them to have to be interviewed and I got back she could be back from men as well so put that on your profile it actually is a I'm really kind of like nice conversation starter and you know
your men love it and it's like a really great way to spend a set yourself apart and really excite get a guy really excited and I generally recommend I made it depends it's all really kind of people Mike might have to make it their own but you can bring it out on the first date comes after dessert or you can bring on the second day you can bring a few dates and it's kind of when you feel like you want to do that that's that's kind of figured out their own was comfortable for them I guess the time has been a little package and then he also bring a package for their on date is that like a special little pouch like a little Half Moon pouch to unzip little almost like little tablecloth round tablecloth on the table that has like going out on the table and it has enough for you and your date
these are the questions that you give to the date to the man and he picks what he wants to build with you so he's kind of been charged you're not kind of there's no kind of none of this is about you know tricking anybody or make anybody feel bad it's all about feeling good and play playful and incense and so cuz you're being vulnerable and the patient to play he gets to pick which which card he wants to take to build with you and so everybody's you know it's really good and happy about it you're building something together yeah yeah and that's interesting how they can go to and choose and that and you're working it which we talked about intimacy it's connecting and it's I need to when I talk about sexual intimacy it's all about playing so but this is like building something together which is wonderful
model but you're building your answer to that so it might be like what what is your idea of it and ideal date so you both feel that together and then you and then you share and say they're building a beautiful conversation and then you got to share it with you hide what you building a do you like it's open I meant you could do that but I know that might be like a fine like surprised if you could do that is a experiment but generally I like women do you work with men also I work with women because when I was doing my market research I realized the dating experience is very different from men and so this is Khan
based on my experience which is why it's kind of like a credit something I know where should I tested it myself. It for myself so for now it's for women it might be I am developing a relationship products that can be for anybody any any gender any you know orientation if you're in a relationship it was it's about human connection so that I can that I know it works because that the foundation of all of this work is is my corporate work which is connecting humans in my business setting that's coming down the road I did tell her to have with creating it for men is that men want and I've had a lot of men asked me to make it for them but I don't know how it would go if a man brought it on a date cuz I feel like a woman might go up here are your kids like you might not be received as well the other way and I also have to have someone who's had that experience
be interested in if you want to see what I need to have someone who's had that experience because I think that's really important otherwise I feel like I would miss out on that you haven't been a man who stated different type of relationships men and women but all relationships because that's the way we talk about love fits playing is its essential yeah it's so powerful powerful and there's lots of research Gordon neufeld and Peter gray and they've all written about the importance of early childhood development and so a lot of the research has been done on kidney don't look at it so much and it's all they talk about things like I said and how
play deficit in children and actually growing up and having severe emotional issues becoming becoming a criminal and so it's it's so important for adults but you know because we offer in still think of it as a kids thing we don't really look at it in adults but it is so powerful I think you know because of the past year that we went through in the world it's like we need to have that play for helping us vulnerable and connect with each other and feel feel emotions like the Canadian psychologist that I admire very much who talks about that idea play as an emotional place where I had emotions can you come out to play in the background
and it's a way for us to feel our feelings are that is just so important I love that idea and we need to be doing that as adults as well as kids can take a small break and then when we come back we're going to take some questions that were submitted and also understand more how this has been phenomenal in Australia and how it is I guess getting started here in America I might then we'll take a break and we'll be right back
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welcome back to the bring it into it's a show where intimacy is real so we've been talkin about this love do this using Legos as a way to connect and build connections and the dating world yes and so I know Dr qadir from Australia and so how has it been over there you using that and have you thought this over to America and how that it's worth it has made it very easy now they're all used to do and do things online that it's been very they have clients outside of a straight as well so it's kind of gone glue is a pretty easy for me to go go go right away and then my market research is able to talk to her on the world so it is it is a global product time zones the only restriction so it's been really great sand
global Shipping is an issue so that's been one of the challenges but yeah Zoom is has made things very easy which is really great because
I guess part of the the origin story of this was that I had people asking me to turn this into a product for them and so they could use it and I kept saying I need to focus on my corporate work and stick in the corporate world cuz this dating stuff as it is fun but you know it's you know it's a bit different and then covid happened in that was where I said okay maybe maybe there's something here okay thanks yeah because of Zoom it allows me to do and because of the other people had to go online that I can help women so how have you do you reset your Hue market and have you researched success have you measured success with using this product so I've just been Gathering feedback from women from how they've been using it so you know
what what kind of my background in research is actually an ethnography so it's basically like watching what people watching human behavior and understanding from that so she did that on Facebook so looking at that teaching that to us a way of understanding how people negotiated privacy and communication on Facebook so it's that same methodology that I'm kind of using understand what's happening with love go which is to just keep talking to my clients are talking too fast clients are they in a relationship house the man treating them know what kinds of things happening to them on days that they're still dating just end just Gathering all up and just aggravating and adding more and just making it as amazing as possible based on the few texts like that yet I haven't had conversation with past clients and finding out that important for her
the question around vulnerability right so thanks kind of testing and and seeing what happens and I'm testing to see if other people are having the same experiences and yeah it's pretty fun but we have a question actually from Elizabeth from organ and he states that I'm
you know I heard that you were coming on and I did some research on your product but I'm very shy and I'm maybe even considered an introvert can how do I go about even maybe thinking about suggesting using Legos or applying because I'm just so shy don't know how to go about gas Linda is this product like for me well the great thing about it is they they and this is the research from Lego serious play is that the reason it works really well in the business setting for getting everybody on the same page and having really good meeting so everybody is it will take him to contribute and an equal playing field regardless of our you the co are you the secretary are you the whatever in the organization and are you an introvert or an extrovert what it does it's a really great leveler that allows everybody to feel that they can control
because what it is is it's about the Lego rather than you to even one of the rules of Lego serious play the kinds of businesses based on is that it's about the model rather than the person so if you're asking a question you don't say is this like what is this about for you or do you think this USA old is that on the model is that like what you've done with the Lego is that tell me about that thing tell me about that plan things but there and tell me about that brick and so what it does is it allows it to be if you're shy and your introverted it allows you can share because your building and it a lot is actually really great if you can come and get past that initial like you want to play it is actually great school for people who are shiring to bring it on actually an introvert so I guess this is another thing is like how can I make Daddy not so terrifying for me because I would be like going on dates feeling so anxious and even just having the the
with me right knowing that I had that they're just made me feel a lot better and yeah I mean also just work with clients to help them to not to feel more confident it's going to be okay going in because there's a lot of strategies and tools if you can do a lot of times it's just
going on a lot of dates until you stop being nervous about it or at least be less nervous yes yes yes yeah and when you externalized something sometimes you can actually see it from a not as biased perspective when you externalized it yesterday at exactly yeah I left at 2 and that's why I think it's a powerful tool for getting clear on what it is that might be going for you cuz it's like if I can build a model about that can build a Lego model of for me then it's
it's like all I can see that in a way that maybe doesn't feel so bad or doesn't feel it takes away the emotion The Edge from it and it's like so it's Yahweh to externalize things that can be scary or difficult and yeah that way this from Mary Mary just so after we eat we built together from base to the question I'll bring them in or out on a date how do we go about giving each other thoughts on it how does that process work and so when you built them all together and you just asked to say tell me about you tell me what you felt when you can go first and then share first and share what it is that is that the models now but it's very organic
how to do that because you're almost like becoming a facilitator on your date but there's some tricks around it because you don't want to be facilitating the date it because that it doesn't feel good. I kind of like to take the lead and you'll be vulnerable and still kind of seeing she letting him kind of being charged and letting it be kind of step back and say okay with you going to do so it's it's
a strategy that you can learn around how to actually do that on a date to be a facilitator that's kind of not so much of a role I think we'll be okay so that also kind of goes back to what you said about the way in the beginning about sometimes being a powerful woman and how ya into that they kind of the ancient dating with them into this is the dating strategy part of it is really important of which is that as power women we we often will reach to try make things happen because we're used to try to make things happen or used to you know kind of
trying to control the outcome and the challenge of that and dating is that we all know what I think we often think as power women are least I did and I think a lot of my clients do with why I see this kind of again again is being a powerful woman or being in your power being empowered woman and is being at energy but it can be really exhausting and it can also mean that if you are trying to make it something happen with the man who is not into you or maybe he's a toxic guy or there's other things going on if you're making things happen you're not actually going to see how he's going to treat you you're not crazy in that space for him to show up in the way that he's going to show up so he's a good man and you're making things happen you're not giving him the space to show you that he's going to be a good man if he's a toxic man and giving him the space either it was all about a different kind of being your power which is to kind of like lean back and go okay what what's happening here and letting him show you cuz it said idea of people are going to show you
how they're going to treat you right and letting that happen rather than trying to make the outcome happen to it feels weird at first especially for power women but it is a game-changer and so the Lego is actually one of us for doing that because it's allowing that let's see what happens then I'm going to try and force it and so it's kind of reclaiming I think some of the ancient dating with them and the other part is that you don't commit to someone in the tell you about the commitment as that you want from them and yeah but you just said you don't commit to someone until you have the commitment that you want from them so the siding on the level of measurement that you want and then you are you're not going to come in till then because again jump into relationships and maybe the guy is not there yet maybe he's not ready stations
changes the Dynamics do it again stepping back seeing what's going to happen to see who shows up going a lot of dates and be open to what happens and letting a man and his meet you where you at brother Chase and make it happen okay wonderful wonderful tips on dating and yeah and how the importance of play it so I can send out there listening and they want to connect with you how should I file doing it so if they go to love go method.com contact form there I'm offering complimentary Discovery sessions for your listeners so if you're listening to this and you're curious about working with me want to find out if you share some tips and tools with you but also find out if you click on I think it's tough to learn more
okay awesome says love go method.com is the best way to yeah well thank you so much for being on the show it's been an honour I've learned so much yes and I'll be really fun to talk to you open my eyes to a lot of things so I will definitely be letting other people know about what you do and stopping so yeah and with dating itself a new revolutionary right that is needed and I think specially after 2020 that we have you need to learn how to play and just enjoy people and they have the human connection thank you again and then when they bring an intimate facial where intimacy is will thank you guys
okay