welcome to the bring intimacy back show we are intimacy is real if you desire to intimately connected with yourself your significant other children Family Friends Community and your higher power this show is for you that's we explore intimate topics inspiring life stories spirituality and insightful tips on strengthening relationships this show is hosted by dr. April and her co-host dr. Kelly now let's get this episode of the bring intimacy back show started because we share with you the secret power to intimacy to create a life you love or love the life you create your host dr. April Kelly a welcome to the show on to the bring an intimacy back show Welcome guys hi. To Kelly how are you doing fantastic yes yes so you know here in the month of February we've been talkin about love and all the different formats last week we talked about love and with mileage to it in

she's got so much confidence so sure if some of us get so addicted to love you know as that ever happened to you yeah I've had my dependencies

no yeah it's not it's I love by the way I love your neighbor title of her book love snack yeah it's not all it's not all fun and games is it no. Everybody had the best Valentine's Day either but sometimes they can be an addiction and some of us we can it be in two codependents they fill out yesterday as an expert on that day but how are you doing thank you so much for having me am so honored to be here it is a really good month to be talkin about love but I like Kelly said there's also many that are dealing with the other side of love which is the email she said her dependency injection so great to be here yes you may have seen Sherry before I let me tell you guys a little bit about her and why was so thrilled to have her she's a liar

distance psychologist a licensed social worker a life coach to know it's a lot and one thing but she's worked a lot with codependency addiction trauma and mental health issues she's a single mom but many of us can relate to and I've gone back to school which I can relate to what she went to the University of Southern California and Sherry has actually been on TV for a variety of things she's had appearance of VH1 Celebrity Rehab I'm seeing in Inside Edition access live in news Robert Irvine's show she's also been on Cosmopolitan women's roles in LA Times tribal Global she's done so much stuff and she's the author of a variety of different books infinite recovery love smack which is the one that we're going to talk about a lot today but plus another book and she's spending the co-writer of Chicken Soup for the Soul

and I forgot to tell you guys he is an editor yes and editor of recovery Today magazine which is awesome so you just do a lot of stuff I do I do I not an editor anymore can I replace that with my own course and online courses that I teach I had to give up something to bring something in but yes I do many things that's the beauty of being a therapist / social worker you know a businesswoman we get to do lots of things and just like you were saying you had to give up something to get something and sometimes with love that's what all this is about sure sure yeah definitely get into the field oh okay so I originally was working in the field of addiction and Recovery I Married an alcoholic who I later divorce at the same time I got a fabulous job at a place it was called promises Unfortunately they are no longer business and during the Malibu fires they they

down one of the original Residential Treatment Centers were people would go there celebrities and what not and it was a fantastic job and three that eventually met dr. Drew and he had a VH1 show called Celebrity Rehab and just just do a whole bunch of freaky things and really the Law of Attraction putting it out there in the universe I was invited to be the therapist on his show and behind-the-scenes and then from there my first book came out and then I realized you know everything I'm doing is related to addiction but I'm not the attic what I really am is the Leavitt and which is addiction short and the codependent and I thought you know how codependent I keep talking about addiction the alcoholic why don't I just come out and really start talking about my story and really be transparent so for the last few years since my book came out love smack I've created a few do online courses for people struggling with co-dependence and love addiction and I can tell you more about that later

this is just become that the new way of me being me and really telling my story

what are what is love addiction can I just Dive Right into some questions for you it's a process addiction sometimes you can call it a lifestyle addiction you can call it a some people call the soft addiction so you have peanut love addiction or codependency gaming shopping spending their all mood altering mood altering activities but they're not substance and yet they create the same euphoric effects just like substance to do so when you're alive addict it's really your only identity is being in that relationship and then when a breakup occurs you're in this withdrawal stay just like an addict is in a withdrawal state of his you know his or her heroin so basically at when the when the break-up occurs you do your longing for that attachment and those pleasurable feelings that you got from that lost relationship just like a drug abuser is craving his heroin you know when you're in an attic people often say they're always check

shooting at 1st High until 4:11 addict someone like myself I was always chasing that first tithe at First Love relationship I had when I was 15 years old that was always wanting that feeling because that was for the first time I felt oh my God I feel alive I feel like I belong I feel like you know I don't feel empty cuz love addicts feel very empty so do all attics but for love addict that you fill it up with relationships or romance or love we know Addiction in general has genetic play there's a genetic predisposition to becoming an addict you know your grandparents and Uncle who whatever I actually come from a lineage of Blood by addicts starting with my grandmother my grandmother was a love addict she was married four times now my mother had a wonderful marriage to my father but when he died she her love addiction just kicked right in and she ended up with a con man and myself

I've been married multiple times in many relationships that's why I wrote the book Les Mack to really take the shame out of it because as well dive into their reasons we become love addict we usually have had some sort of trauma in our life and you know maybe we didn't become a drug that drug addict but we became a love addict instead and I just want to kind of take the stigma out of it you're not a failure if you've had multiple relationships or not it's part of who you are as part of your story and and that's why I'm talking about it so loudly so I'm curious what is the difference between when someone breaks up with someone if they're going through a break-up that's healthy of it's the love addict thing but you're talking about cuz many people listening and they're like I don't know which one you're in a break up with somebody that it's normal you know you kind of just move on and you you know usually hopefully spend a little time alone you assess things your feet

what went wrong you might get therapy or but your not so needy to get into another relationship so I love addict to some of us just going to jump right into another relationship because the I can't be alone is just so petrifying and you know in this age of dating apps it's just really easy to get right out there and and put yourself out there but the problem is if you don't have a healthy self-esteem and you put yourself out there right away these apps can be really really detrimental to your psyche because they're you know they're they're kind of they're technically made to make you addicted in the first place and then when you're not getting your head so your swipes or someone who ghosted him and not and that's all part of the dating app scene for a love addict it's it it's really really hard because the love that is going to take it really will most people would take it personally but I love that if this is really going to be just devastated by the experience and I don't know if dr.

pick up with someone how long should you wait before you start dating again when you guys got that question before are you at the doctor Kelly both of you

go ahead Sherry well you know in the program of Love addicts anonymous I'll say you know don't get into any anything for like a year but you know I think I don't necessarily agree with that I think that if you find somebody before a year you know that I don't think it's cut and dry but I would say this if you're still feeling very empty if you feel like you haven't created a little life for yourself if you're still depending on that other person to fill you up and be your life not add to your life and you're probably not ready to get into another relationship so I think it just depends on how much work you've done I mean when I was fifteen you early fifties and I divorce my alcoholic husband I just couldn't do this anymore I could not jump into another relationship and have another situation I had to finally really look at this trauma piece so I hired a really great trauma therapist and really delved deep into my early trauma which is wet

I talked a lot about I was premature I tell this story because whenever people here at they're like oh my God I can't believe that could be true, but I was in an incubator two and a half months my mother didn't hold me or pick me upper there's no dirt Reno bonding none of that stuff for 2 and 1/2 months you both being psychologist you probably understand of course the importance of attachment so I didn't get that early attachment so I became a very anxiously attached individual which is really means that you know I need that connection with everybody needs connection but mine becomes but mine was more cuz I didn't get that early attachment you know when I was growing up and my parents would go out on a Saturday night my brother would be like bye bye have a good time and I'd be crying and I just always knew I was different and you have to imagine a little baby in an incubator being fed through my feet no second response and oxygen mask over my nose and no not you know if any of your mother's

my grandmother now my mother and that bonding is just that that eye to eye contact in that mirroring that's how we become a person you know that's how we become secure and how can you be so sure if you don't get that early bonding not to mention my mother just wasn't really available in many ways she had to work full-time she she had come from significant trauma so she wasn't always as present but I did have a wonderful father so that was that was great but he didn't get that Mother Love so I guess I was sort of a mother wound by would say a lot now about mother Woods if you go yeah there's a lot out because I want to find out whether or not I do have a love addiction what are some signs and symptoms I think that you've already answered that somewhat but what are some signs and symptoms that somebody may be a love addict

so you're over adapting to what others want you have no boundaries you have a just a horrible fear of of letting go of fear of the unknown you try to change others to be what you want them to be and most importantly need others to feel whole you're looking for others for affirmation and worth is like their whole identity is based on that other person wanting you loving you need in you and like I said earlier you fear abandonment that that was my biggest issue the abandoned piece or you fear rejection there's withdrawal symptoms when the relationship ends and you just give up who you are out of the fear that you're going to lose someone that you're going to be alone you know being alone if it is worse worse than anything you can imagine so it's painful and it's real and on

I just want people to know that it really is an addiction

yes yeah well thank you so much for sharing that information I'm one of the things here on the bring intimacy back shall we try to highlight nonprofit and profit of the nonprofit of the month is the American Heart Association I just want to listen to stop there if you're listening and you're thinking you know I have some extra funds so I want to support something the American Heart Association The Great Gatsby talk about love and I'll effect on heart and they infest 200 to 2.5 million dollars into life-saving research so think about it that's their web site is WW2. Heart.org and there's a way to get when we're going to take a short break and when we come back we're going to learn more about love addiction and codependency how we can get treatment how we can get help she's going to go more into detail how does he even get started and what does it look like when you're in a relationship if you're becoming addicted to the love

addiction are you wanting a vacation in Paradise vacation to rekindle the version without the kids a vacation where you can learn how to commute where you and your partner actually hear each other and game inside if so vacation counseling is your next vacation April Brown has created vacation Counseling in Southwest Florida as a perfect option for you and your partner will retrieve our one couple at a time we have a variety of packages available to choose from including virtual Couples Retreat if you and your partner interested in the vacation counseling please visit us at vacation counseling.com for more information on pricing and packages also follow us on Instagram and Facebook to keep track of the latest news stories activities or coupons on vacation counseling and dr. April's other services we encourage you to sign up to receive a monthly newsletter called into my

connections at dr. April brown.com remember if you and your partner are struggling with communication and intimacy I'm looking for a retreat to connect vacation counseling and be your next vacation in Southwest Florida

welcome back to the beginning it's Misty show where intimacy is real today we are talkin about love addiction and codependency with licensed clinical social work in a licensed psychotherapist Cherry Kaiba Sushi about the signs and symptoms of love addiction and so now I'm kind of thinking with this addiction how did like trauma-related that in the sense of the love addiction so as I was explaining my story of being a premature baby I know that there's probably somebody listening on the show that probably will be able to relate to that but there's many other types of early trauma there can be neglect or abandonment you might have parents that were alcoholics addicts they weren't available you might have had a parent that was a single parent and suddenly you became what we call a parentified child to have an adult child where you didn't have the capacity to to deal

with what was being given to you being so responsible at such a young age and having your your parents using you as a surrogate partner they were a single parent so there could have been parental neglect on inadequate needs are being mad I could have had abandonment by a parent abuse so what happens to the Panic sets in and as an adult you end up responding like an infant in pain and you claim to another you're wanting what you didn't get is really what it is that's why a lot of people will say why do I always pick the same type and it's like while you're picking what you know and that's usually the the unavailable parents that you didn't get where you can get your needs met so you're craving the others to make you feel Hall to give you that love that you were craving as a baby or early childhood or are you know it just comes from not being enough not having enough and it's really an unconscious attempt to satisfy our developmental hunger for wanting to belong and to connect

and wind up looking outside ourselves to fix our fear in our pain and our discomfort and I want I don't want to say that connection isn't important we all need connection but it's when it becomes pathological and healthy and your whole sense of self is only based on being being in a relationship with somebody else is about connection the red flags that start playing in their leg hey wait a minute this happened before you didn't like that paint of this addiction and it didn't work the first time what are some things that they can recognize as a symptoms and signs that this is happening again

you know a square peg into a round hole am I in delusion am I in delusion am I in denial like this person really has these things that I don't like that I'm just going to kind of stuff them and stick them under the rug because I don't want to be alone you know you find yourself going on these dating apps obsessively looking looking looking for someone to fill that empty void you know what is a big wine I did a lot of settling because I just didn't want to be on my own and I paid a price for it I really did a lot of lot of pain I've had a lot of fun in my life don't get me wrong and it's been so hard at times but it's also been really difficult because when it ends and it's not the right person because eventually it doesn't work because you really haven't gotten another person you don't even know who the person really is you're just in love with love and so I think that's really you know some of the red flags that you'll you'll see

can I see that sometimes people can get to know somebody's body but not know them as a person so they took a long time I mean I was I was in a relationship with someone took me a year and a half to really figure out who this person was so you may not know it first you may think the person is right so much love addiction is is different it's like you're trying to feel something up like like your ear like an empty vessel in this person is just going to fill you up and that's right so important about the whole life and we can't say that enough and you know we talked about about connection and you were saying April that it's important to have connection the first connection is with yourself you know how do you connect with yourself and you can go to a therapist talk therapy forever but would really work from me and what really helped me was doing the the trauma work and really getting connected to my body so that I could be in my body because if you look at all the addiction it's an attempt to get out of yourself get out of your body cuz you're so uncomfortable in your body so once you can be in your body and feel comfortable in your own

sense of self then you can be alone and then you'll pick someone from a much healthier space than just trying to fill up something so just like individuals with substance addiction with love addiction if that love type of relationship is not fair to these people go through withdrawal

it's absolutely the same type of thing it's like you're you're you're craving your next relationship absolutely definitely will go through withdrawal and it's very painful it's probably the hardest thing of Love addiction is oh God how do I filled it how do I fill this up how I feel myself up how do I find somebody else and then you start it just really looking for the next partner sex and love addicts even won't even end a relationship and they're already looking for somebody else to fill that void cuz they know that something is going to end soon so they're trying to have somebody kind of in a holding pattern so that when they're single again or whatever or when the relationship doesn't work out they have somebody waiting for them

so what's the difference between being in love and having an unhealthy obsession with a perk or so and healthy relationships you know couples first meet the idealized each other they're forming this attachment but his love matures it becomes less intense and it becomes more secure and one thing I would say for love addicts and you know you have probably more of an anxious attachment style so you want to look for someone who has a secure attachment style someone who did get the nurturing they needed someone who has a sense of self so for how he love trust develops alongside love but people with love addiction never get past that initial stage of falling in love they idealize the person they're in love with you never really feel secure enough to trust them and they become dependent on that person and they they love and a very unrealistic way hoping somehow this person will create a sword a happily-ever-after for them and it's really unrealistic to expect anyone else to create a sadist

like for you it's not up to them you need to already be whole so now the inevitable you're going to be disappointed by this person expecting them to be the end-all for you so their relationships are ultimately never truly satisfying yet they can't seem to live without them and they're really not based on a healthy bonding there they're really more like psychological bondage. Intimacy

yes and and when we talk about intimacy we talk a lot about that connection in that Dawn and with the love addiction and like you said this withdrawal how does that sometimes even affect those people

with intimacy do you understand what I'm saying sure so where would answer that is they don't have a connection with themselves so a lot of times a number for Mike for me when relationships wouldn't work out so he's just so unavailable he's system unavailable emotionally unavailable truth is I was unavailable to myself I was afraid of intimacy of course I kept saying unavailable Partners so if you know we always have to be a mere of what's really going on there to look at ourselves and go what is my part here right to own my part I keep picking some of the sound of ailable cuz I'm unavailable so I need to do the paperwork so I can stay connected to you I mean love addicts often are attracted to also love avoidance so 11 void it might start out really almost like a narcissist you know love bombing you wanting to be with you no wanting to conquer you and your this love addict in your loving all this attention and it feels so good and it's wonderful and then all of a sudden they get you and then they're gone because they

again are afraid of intimacy I mean that was my second husband you know just crazy about me and then once we got married it was like oh and again we never really had a true healthy connection was really based on you know attraction and chemistry and now a whole lot else but it was a very typical you know love bombing love addicted love avoidant sort of relationship and where he backed off and withdrew once he attac know once we were married for our listeners that are you may have questions with us today to call in number is 188-862-7600

you know I already calling you but I can't seem to get my computer the phone off my phone for a minute but gets messy right that's okay we don't mind that we were used to help people with messy and even in our own life of Attraction mention that a few times so can you share without audience what that means if you in a lot of traction really basic needs for those who don't know which I'm sure many of you do know what it means if you know we create to our thought we could everything that are like this is what we put into the universe in terms of our thought

interactions in our motion so if you're accepting about what could happen you know if you're obsessing about laugh like oh no one's going to want me I'm too old are enough men out there who just you're just putting black out there the other thing is grieving is important but you also want to knowledge just how grateful you are in your life like you want to live in this place of gratitude like that like from TX everyday I just got I have left for my dog my dog's unconditionally loved me and so you know who knows maybe that will attract the right mate one day but it's really about and my grandchildren are my granddaughter and my grandson who's going to be coming in May so it's about putting out there that these positive energy is positive vibration because you don't and you just put your partner on a pedestal or you make all of his exes wrong then again you know you're going to track the same wrong you know so you want to really allow the positive in and you should be the one on the pedestal right like to clarify I am I hungry

and now it's not about them it's like do I want you're the problem I think it's still in 2021 is people will say does he like me to get to call me if you want me to cycle do I want to hear him is he good enough for me and the same goes for men and women or or in a relationships that are lesbian or gay

ya on the flip side of his you can park in so much about the person he may be addicted to love what happens to you on the flip side of your partner with someone like that's what happens with a lot about it if you're with the love addict

wow that's a good question whether things you want to look for all the things I mentioned in terms of what a love addict is so if you're finding that somebody is really needy and they want to engulf you and they want all your time and they get jealous really easily and but you don't have to have to make sure that that is that really what it is or are you am I just an available as a love avoidant and and they just seem too needy you kind of have to figure out like are they over the top PDR they wanted too much of my attention do I always feel like I'm not enough so I was feel like I'm not giving them enough I mean these are things these are red flags for sure you just may not fit you just may not be a match for that type of / I don't think anyone really is a healthy match for a love addict but those are things you want to look for like why is this person wants me to be their whole life why is that what what is what is not what's going on in their life are not going on in their life that they are expecting so much of me because you're always you'll never disappoint them you're never going to be enough

so you have to do your homework because if nobody's are really a good match for a love addict than those of you that are listening and it's kind of like maybe a love addict then you want to do here, work or do your emotional work so you don't become what I call that huge I need like What About Bob you know she was dating someone and her birthday came up and I'm just using this as an example and some with this person thought she was being needy and she just thought I'd been dating at Ghana three or four days he never called to say happy birthday he never wished her happy birthday was already 4 in the afternoon now someone listen to my tale that so what you know who cares but it would have been nice if that person would have called early in the day

the second all right right but my word yeah the 14th so then I wanted someone to have the Buckle this so you know you just have to kind of stay to yourself is this in my ass

I don't think so and again and what is it that you need enough for this person that didn't call till the end of the day that person seems to me either thoughtless or just in a boy in it

or like my sister I never called her on her birthday till the evening and she was like don't do that call me in the morning you know but I guess it's just the answer that best answer that question that you just asked like is this a good fit for me in the afternoon that just doesn't care you know he's just very like I don't need you to call me to feel good I just think for up the against you Kelly I mean it's your sister might be a little different but I think if you're in a new relationship and you're trying to sort of Court someone you know I would think that you'd want to say happy birthday kind of early in the day I mean and don't date a morning or morning person if you need to hear in the morning and I want people not to second-guess themselves and you know when you are someone that's has trauma sometimes you second-guess yourself cuz you don't even know what it is you really want and you question am I asking for too much

and his client was really struggling cuz she really like this guy but it really didn't feel good not being called until the end of the day and then he he said to her all right will let's chat Monday night or Tuesday night Annabelle's nights he blew her off he ended up having other things happened so she was still kind of questioning like I might just love addictive behavior that I expected him to let you know but it's more about well as it's kind of person I want to be with you nor do I want to be with someone who doesn't follow through with what they say they're going to do that doesn't make me quote a love addict question is from Zoey in Florida Zoe wants to know if there's a difference between rebound relationships and wondering if your love addict

there is an addictive facts about it sounds like you don't want to be alone and it sounds like you're trying to replace you know the other guy or whatever with somebody new so I think it's very good I think it's very similar are we Bound in a love addict behavior for sure how can you know the difference to me that is what rebound rebound is trying to replace something that you don't have anymore because you can't not comfortable with yourself you're trying you want you don't want to be alone you miss that other person you you're not comfortable with yourself if you just got out of a relationship why are you running to somebody else because you are yourself you don't want to be alone you feel like you need someone to fill you up so to me it's really almost the same thing

I mean if you rebound back with the same person that's a whole other subject I mean but that's You Can Be Love addiction like I just can't be alone I broke up with you I know you're not right for me but I'm going to take you back anyway I did that a lot and stuff over relationships again because I didn't want them to be with somebody else and I didn't want to be alone so I would rebound Rebound with that passed person and honestly it never works generally

hey we're going to take a small break and when we come back we're going to hear about some treatment options and also take more questions from the audience

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are we going to your phone book wait what's that go to the World Wide Web you type in therapist near me

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welcome back to begin intimacy show where intimacy is real so actually I'm Siri I got a question from Terry and Terry is wondering if she just got in and out of relationship and she just met someone else who just got out of a relationship and she knows that she's been a recovering addict and they say sometimes you shouldn't date another recovering addict but urine still until she's wondering if it does that still apply to love Addiction in the recovery circles they do say wait a year you know after you're getting that gets over for a year before you enter into another relationship in the reason they recommended that is because you may be replacing the addiction with something else like love relationship you may be replacing it with food or gambling or sex or whatever so

I think it's it's very important if you're newly sober to absolutely give yourself that way that you are sober Now find yourself again get connected to you because listen you've been that you've been self-medicating as helping yourself up for a long time even though you know who you are or what you feel because you've been self-medicating so find out who you are what are your preferences what do you want what is really do that work you got that first year of sobriety and then start opening yourself up that mess that is really I think rated twice because I think you really you're not yourself first you there

I have a question from a meeting and she said I I think I have love addiction and I feel like I will never be able to choose

no there's always hope and you know she probably without knowing her she probably has some significant trauma growing up either neglect or abandonment and rejection or abuse and so you know she's willing to do the Toronto work at a really good therapist you know get into a program I have a wonderful community of people alongside trauma therapy there's absolutely hope know the great thing about getting in a group program along with therapy is you get to be with other people that know what you're going through I mean in my program wake up recovery they connect with each other and there's a few of them are going through breakups and they call each other up and they cheer each other on I mean there's nothing more powerful than feeling like you're not alone so please what what is her name Amy don't don't ever think that there isn't hope there's always hope for you you know I went to your website Sherry and I noticed that you had group therapy and visit is this what you're

that is the program that I'm talking about it but it's right now for your listeners I'm the only a dollar to join and then it goes to $27 and they get to lie group coaching sessions a month so they get me live two times a month and then they get hours and hours of interviews with experts on the on the subject and then they have a program for codependency and toxic relationships and love addiction so they have all kinds of resources that they can be doing in between the group session I don't know where they're going to find group therapy with a licensed therapist for less than $10 a month and because groups alone can be a minimum of $75 beers group therapy

everybody cares it in the beginning I like I don't want to have to talk but once you get on there and again you don't have to talk you can just be a listener you don't you know there's a name called you don't even have to show your face at first you just listen to the others talk and hopefully eventually you want to you know bring up something or you know support somebody else in the group but there's that isn't that isn't a requirement in fact you know I have a place where people can send me a questions and then I'll answer it in the group but it's so wonderful place to meet others that are struggling and then to learn how to do to get through love addiction and a toxic relationship I get a lot of people are going through breakup search people that are love addicts it could go from one relationship to the next and I get a lot of people that are codependents as well really have that Claus now I'm not going to have that class I want people to meet and I mean it's not listen this isn't official Psychotherapy of course

it's a coaching group but there it is being led by a therapist but now I think if I've never had anybody cuz you never know what is coming from all over the country so they could never really occurred friendships you know that have formed an excellent I was curious besides wake up recovery what are some of the other treatment options to put the wake up recovery in your show notes the lengths by any chance the first one I wanted like congratulate everyone that's here on this call just learning about it being aware been conscious if they have it at 11 diction I'm making a decision to change you know learning to stop looking for external solutions for problems start really looking inward at yourself start looking at those fears to keep you from going to relationship to relationship and get out of denial Stop Believing

is someone that they're not stop going into that delusion of who you want them to be rather than who they really are really and I can't emphasize enough go get into that suppressed Trauma from your childhood you know really love your inner child be that self parenting work and then just become a really loving forgiving and compassionate person to yourself and and use the pain to grow and prepare for a healthy relationship cuz I believe me it's on its way and now it's the Law of Attraction it is on its way if you believe it and that you take the steps towards bringing it in a trust in yourself and and learn to let go and find a great therapist get into a group there's also 12-step programs out there there's so much support out there and there's like that's like yours no teaching people about Intimate Relationships I mean there's there's so much great support out there today

I like your style you are so you have such warm and it's just so just so open and I wanted to say thank you so much, although I don't have love addiction I have some avoidant attachment issues and you really spoke into my life today and I just wanted to say thank you for that I thank you Kelly that's so sweet yeah thank you for being so transparent about that you probably have your own significant yeah I did it does really go back to trauma and and I would like to ask you what type of trauma therapy would you recommend I know there's an EMDR there's there's a number of them what would you think would be good for love addiction which is somatic experiencing work it's a book written by Peter Levine waking the tiger and I recommend recommend that to all my

and it's about getting in your body and leg and letting go of the energy that's been blocked and having it you know allowing it to move through you and that's really what it is that is that is really that simple it is not rocket science it's being aware of your significant trauma and then releasing it from your body with a really great training therapist EMDR is gray also tapping I do a lot of tapping with my clients I think happened is great but I think somatic experiencing is is the one I like the most because really taught me how to be in my body and be with myself and it just so much more I mean it teaches you not to be reactive you learn how to respond you learn how to think before you speak you eat out and learn how to not be so impulsive you learn patience you know all the things that love addicts addicts in general don't have you know and then again this isn't to shame or blame anybody it's because of whatever you grew up with that is the behavior that you learned and Maude

and that's all you know and so you know just working through the trauma is is probably the best gift you could ever give yourself I only wish I would have done this kind of think they knew this then but I I didn't do this until 9:50 but you're someone out there younger you have such a great life ahead of you doing this work

what is some positive affirmations that you can leave us today if we're struggling with love addiction or even you know struggling with heartbreaks what are some positive that's a great question positive affirmations are really great way I have a lot of this in my program is that it's changing negative thought patterns and turning in them into positive thought patterns so you need to repeat after me I am a lovable and valuable person my lovable enviable person deserving of a healthy partner I'm deserving of a healthy partner who is capable of loving respecting and honoring me as a person who is capable of loving and honoring and respecting me as a person withdrawal will not last forever withdrawal will not last forever my Needs & Wants are important my needs and wants a very important all my experiences contribute to my growth

I'll make feeling just can't you reach my growth and learning to let go up to let go of dependency on others I'm learning to let go of dependency on others rely on myself for happiness and relying on myself for happiness I walk away from toxic people I walk away from toxic people I create my own truth in love and I create my own shoe in life and also by the way I wanted to let everyone know how to create your own that speak to you put them everywhere saying everywhere same in your car record them listen to them just keep changing those neural Pathways also I want to tell everybody I have a free V bucks if you put that in the shower now it's called filling the empty heart so they can understand love addiction and a little quiz that goes with it to see if there a love addict and please everyone don't give up hope if this is something you're dealing with

yes and the quiz because I saw the quiz online and took it and stuff so it doesn't work thank you so much yeah trial goes to $27 it's a dollar a week trial wake up recovery.com become - a - member Dash Co one is kind of a long title so definitely if you stick it in the show notes that would be awesome I am definitely going to be and I am definitely going to be going to your website and I'm going to refer my clients to thank you think so he is so or as woman thinks so she is and that means that those spots can become actions and actions have it and have it for diction so if you want to change your your life

in your addictions you have to start with those positive affirmations and believe the truth and live it said everything that you bought two audience to I listen to self There Yet please definitely check her out thank you for having me both you both were a pleasure to thank you and for those of you that are watching and enjoy this please share subscribe all you can watch our shows on YouTube Facebook iTunes Spotify my I were there you'll get information from and knowledge and wisdom from people like sharid neighbor and her upcoming shows of course next week is Bridget Cooper to see an opera we have to next week that are on the power of music is Shonda Mallory and then March 11th personal friend of mine an alarm Hilo

I know where is Pamela heavy but anyway she is talking about how to be a safe haven in conversations about intimacy and then another one already up nerdy media we have a lot happening here and it's just such a pleasure to be a part of your show. Oh yes thank you so much and our listeners out there you've been listening and you've been hearing these things and go and enjoy yourself have fun and also if you're hurting please think about getting help for me we all sometimes needed in counseling and getting help with talking to someone adjoining at a support group is something that is very unproductive and will actually like a Sherry said it's about taking care of yourself taking care of your your heart when you can take care of yourself and love yourself then you can do it healthy with someone else and if someone said I don't know if you heard this

treat you the way you treat yourself

wow yeah and then I often say that you the Bible says love your neighbor as yourself and if you do a poor job of loving your neighbor you're going that's maybe because you're doing a poor job of letting yourself and so many people think that it is bad To Love Yourself what's that up what's up with that doctor April I have no idea I just think it's people think you give give give give give but don't have anything for yourself and then if that's not even with any of the scriptures in any of the religions say it's just like you said love yourself. God forbid it's a plane starts to go down they say that the oxygen masks drop put it on yourself first and then others so it's okay to look out for yourself and look for the things that you want and use that power of Attraction and bring it into your life right

not going to bring is tomorrow morning at 7:30 we're going to be on clubhouse talking about intimacy so check this out if you don't remember will be there. The Kelly and I and we will see you all next week take care guys