welcome to the bring intimacy back show we are intimacy is real if you desire to intimately connected with your self your significant other children and family friends community and your higher power this show is for you that's we explore intimate topics inspiring life story beer to ality and insightful tips on strengthening relationships this show is hosted by dr. April and her fellow doctor Kelly now let's get this episode of the bringing intimacy back show started because we share with you the secret power to intimacy to create the life you love or love the life you create now here's your host dr. April is dr. Kelly welcome to the bring an intimacy back show where intimacy is real welcome. To Kelly how are you doing I'm doing well after I got my afternoon nap cuz I was unfit for as you know yes yes yes she was up at 4 a.m. informing us a lot about intimacy on

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newest voices and on Mental Health America you can go in there like you like I'm not sure what kind of symptoms I have or if I'm anxious depressed they have a little thing that you did fill out to think about going on to the website but also it's a charity of the month it's a great thing to donate to so definitely check that out the other things that I want to tell you guys about is that I also this month with Lisa a new book calling proven intimacy so I'm so excited about it please think about getting that buckets on Amazon and check it out and just let me know what you think so today I will also talking about intimacy with an expert and on today's topic is five characteristics of a stimulating relationship

Bring it on Bring It On yes yes so today we have our six colleges she's a certified six colleges her name is Kenya Coach K and I actually met her in and Clubhouse welcome Compass Cay

is that where you thank you for having me thank you so much will let me tell you a little bit about Coach K okay so besides being a coach and a set of five six colleges you know how many children she has

1 2 3 4 5 wow I think it's busy yeah and also she has multiple businesses to can you imagine that anything multiple is good what I can't wait to hear more about him yes yes yes and her topic on her website is love and intimacy one on 101 Wizard101 right yes yes yes yes and she really does help and also I think you helped people she's an HR experience so she loves to also coach about business and stuff so welcome

thank you so much yes I'm busy beaver with the children and teen businesses and with the all of it just comes back to you I love helping others when I see other people thrive and grow a field so I'm curious given that some a sex therapist myself many times people don't so much focus on intimacy but you do and it's actually and your website you know love and intimacy 101 so what do you define intimacy as for me and she is

it's more of a feeling of actions it's the holding the hand just out of not even consciously. It just some kind of way you can make it your hand with your partners can or when you lay your head on your partner's chest and you just listen to that heartbeat and then your heartbeat becomes one so all of that becomes that you don't like talking to eat even if it's just how was your day and just allowing yourself and your partner to unload those are those intimate little sprinkle moments to me that's what it all looks like

yeah definitely yeah and why what made you decide to focus on that as part of your brand

the biggest reason is when when I meet people I even have people send me messages on Instagram they see a psychologist and see how to have sex is like know most people know how to put one thing into this thing will rub two things that you know most people know the physical act like and they're not a lot of people that I actually focus on everything that goes around the emotions being the necessity the education and so I wanted to step away from what you can see on TV music videos and I want to take a put the educational Peas on let's learn that before because once you hit that physical act the actor is

go to sleep or go home so

I want to do that 101 which is back to the basics

the basic some of the conversation communication enjoyment of selves just

genuine happiness of so so that you can do that to someone else it's the just sit beside me and watch this TV show you know from my husband he had never seen school days before so I was like oh my gosh that is awesome I bought the movie for $2.99 and we watch something that made me feel good from childhood yeah it's hearing those like you said those intimate moments of laughter and and other things on sometimes people just think it's just like you said the ACT but it's so much more

yes yes one of the things that I want to talk about and you just mention it to self yes yes so you have a program that's called on your it'sh

it's a boot camp yes on your is this is a boot camp that I designed that

I thought about myself and the guy that I needed when I was 18 and I became a mother and then 19 going on 20 mother too and so when you're going from adolescent to a change you never got to learn the Peace of Womanhood who I was was supposed to be what did I like and so when I thought of this boot camp and I put it together it was going back to the basics of learning me getting in tune with me taking the protective shield around me so that I can truly own not just my mind but my body before I start sharing it again with anyone else

I like that you know I just kind of had this visual of people in their early sexuality having to rush everything cuz they have to hide it you know what I'm saying mom and dad coming home or you know whatever wherever you no problems going to be over with a partner or spouse or someone where you don't have to rush it and you can have those conversations and really enjoy yourself it's when you're older and I kind of have that visual when you were talking about this is a relationship

and in that is the piece that

it it starts it starts I think in today's society it's just missing it's on 20 I'm expected to get married let me go find somebody to marry and then we'll figure out all of those other pieces later and then when later shows up it shows up as a divorce let's start to get back to the basics of learning ourselves so that we feel like I'm since your mother you know if I children and imma get some teenagers that parents are not teaching there

children about knowing themselves and their poems

and honestly it's it's come down to a lot of parents they don't know we don't know we don't know sometimes right and so you have this these three three something about my three girls and two boys so you don't need little people around you and you know to tell them don't run out in front of this car but you're not saying if you feel like you're attracted to your best friend in school let's talk about it it's okay she's the girl maybe you don't understand the Friendship versus bro let's talk let's communicate about talk about it what are you like what does it feel like what it what is it smell like when you're there because we have to understand it all so I can

Spencer's coming to play when we're in that realm of love and sex and sexuality when you touch them does it tingle do you your hands start sweating so yeah we have to get back to ask him the questions and allowing our children to verbalize it because when they verbalize it comes back around into their ass whooped ears and then goes back into their brain

you know what I said like that maybe I am feeling XYZ so we have to be able to do that and that comes with educating our parents because they're not many and you know I'm 42 and so my mom grew up in the era of you don't talk about those things you just kind of figure it out and so I didn't want that going forward I still have a sister she's 45 she will not talk about sex at all and who was in the show

hey I would love to get her on here so we can cuz I'm not saying is you okay with sharing your body physically with someone but you won't have a conversation with them about it why are you value your body over your mind or you don't understand how to Value it all as one whole person yes and it affects many marriages I mean I saw even on your website that you also get clients of couples where the woman is not enjoying sex she sees it as a chore you know that I have to do that the husbands of sad he's not getting his needs mad maybe he's even saying things that are hurtful in the day and then expecting something at night you know

I've seen it all play out like as we speak and

the majority of the clients that are couples

it's the man that reaches out and when he does it's I want to have more sex exactly yet and I was like she's going to make my part and have more sex with me and we started talking about how are you speaking to your wife what is the day look like they only speak to her at 9 p.m. after showers are taking what is all of that look like oh okay

oh yes it did starts the world the whole day it's that Rapport the relationship

and even I know we just talked about the girls but sometimes we are not teaching up voice this either I feel honestly sometimes I feel bad for they are truly left to sand and figure it out for themselves and then we grow up and we expect the Boys to Men and none of us and take care of us when when he was 5 years old he pick up a Barbie doll dad smack that has dance at don't do that if he's picking up a Barbie doll and he can you tenderly playing with it you know being emotional with it that's setting the tone for later when he may be looking at a wife who's going to look you know someone like this Barbie doll is going to have the hair somehow the breast somehow the butt and he can tenderly treat his partner but that's just that's really my boss to hang outside

oh you like that girl way to go here's a condom and then I said

I heard somebody say that we plan our weddings but not our marriages and so I think that we really have stopped doing premarital counseling and also there's so much disarray and different school systems in different places over you know State's tax and all of the things it seems to be so much more political than even about educating the youth and so where are they what are they left you with their left or conversation with with her friends something from a magazine or locker room talk

absolutely I'm all for it because the internet is terrible I tell you that when we come back we're going to actually dig deep into the five characteristics of a stimulating relationship will be back in a moment are you on vacation in Paradise a vacation to rekindle the Prussian where you can learn how to communicate where you and your partner actually hear each other and game inside if so vacation counseling is your next vacation April Brown who created vacation counseling and Southwest Florida as a perfect option for you and your partner our Retreats are one couple at a time we have a variety of packages available to choose from including virtual Couples Retreat if you and your partner interests in the vacation counseling

please visit us at vacation counseling.com for more information on pricing and packages also follow us on Instagram and Facebook to keep track of the latest news stories activities or coupons on vacation counseling and Doctor April's other services that are called intimate connection at dr. April Brown. Calm remember if you and your partner are struggling with communication and intimacy and you all are looking for a retreat to connect vacation counseling can be vacation in Southwest Florida

welcome back to the bring it into mrs. show where intimacy is real and today we have doctor coach Coach K and she is here to talk to us about the V stimulating characteristics of five characteristics of a stimulating relationship so cupcake what is number one the first characteristic of a stimulating relationship number one college be most important one is learning yourself

tell you truly know yourself you don't know what sparks you don't know what excites you and there's no way that you can pretend to be with someone else may want I'm so you're always searching for something if you don't learn yourself first so that's more than just knowing that you know I like tall men or I like you know men that have L to R Athletics are you know or whatever I like females is more than that it is it's knowing what triggers you what makes you happy what makes your setup what foods do you like what's your favorite color what body parts are you touching you stimulate yourself the most it's true licking knowing everything about you do you hate to hear someone Screech on the chalkboard

it's knowing yourself inside and out

yes yes he is into me you see is how we heard somebody to find it and so yeah and knowing yourself that means you going to take the risk and let somebody in there if you learn yourself and what sparks your interest in safety why I like that sometimes people feel like I do I'm so I wasn't satisfied are you know my partner didn't do that but your partner can't guess what you really like you know what I'm saying so it's really yes yes and when do you start to try to figure out knowing yourself when does that start

that started when you are probably five years old before you really get into that committed relationship even in that dating phase I would say before you start to if you're going to seriously date before that at minimum one-year suspended just focusing on yourself take yourself to movies take yourself to dinner just drive out to the beach and walk with yourself cook something that you like at home for yourself or self

do all those things for solid year for yourself then you can start today and you know your standards you know at that point what you do or do not like so that when you meet this person and they're not meeting your stand there it's not what I'm just going to go along with this because their teeth are beautiful if you know what I know that I don't see your future in this because no matter how many times we discuss this thing this is where you are so I'm not going to waste your time or mine maybe let's just be friends so we can come and get those things in the bud earlier versus just dragging it on and then you start to lose who you are so that you can conform to someone else

exactly exactly that's what I was thinking when people compromising their standards they lose themselves

yes indeed why do you think it's so Coach K why do you think it's so difficult for people to go to a movie by themselves or out to dinner by themselves I was so worried about what someone else thinks you know if you if you're sitting out at a restaurant with your friends and you see that one person over there by their self immediately and your nobody wants them versus they're confident they're having fun and they are enjoying themselves you know it's what Society has displaced in our heads because I'm everybody's involves not to be with someone in a committed relationship or marriage that's just the bottom line right exactly but every TV show little people

it's always leaving to that fairytale wedding and three and a half times as live your best life and just do live on your charms I can't even tell you how many times people last name when they say are you married and I say no and they say do you want to be or like they'd have this look like oh you're so lonely I think nothing is worse than being lonely with in a relationship so I am less lonely than most people even though I live alone once people understand the difference between being alone and lonely then I'll stop asking questions because you have the best partner in the whole wide world right there with you always

yes exactly so what's the number to what's the number to Walmart's is learning your and your partner's love language that is going to be in within that of course within that is communication can you add your love language yes so there are a standard of Five Love Languages and I will tell you I'll probably mess some of these up don't quote me because I wasn't smart enough to write this one axle service acts of kindness

physical touch

and there's two that has space my mind on its quality time quality time from Mason and words to thank you

yes yes yes so understanding and knowing each other's love language is in in that comes with communication of more than just verbal but especially with what you see and especially with you feel if you know that when you're laying on your partners child and the certain commercial comes on about these dirt bike his heart starts to race will guess what he's probably he's into their bikes so what might I do want a couple years you may surprise you would have dirt bike

or I might just go dirt bike riding with you because if he doesn't really like gifts but he loves quality time and we can go do something quality time together

I have took a picture of this recycling recycling trash can thank you and it was my gift my husband because of whatever reason he is dead set on saying I'm getting this to happen because I keep on recycling I was like okay babe but he's impatient put all the recycling on the table until he had time to take it out so I want on Amazon I bought a recycling trash can when it came home it was like he was just excited you know but I know about communication and listening I know what he enjoys I know what he loves I know what will excite him it is not always hey take your pants down and Leslie can bathroom it's something as simple as a recycling

trash can that was like 15 bucks on Amazon so that is a huge it stimulates it makes you it puts you so further into your partner put some salt or the interview because someone's paying attention to you and that shows that you care because marriage and relationships are more than love it takes more than just absolutely

that definitely yes so number 303 which is a fun one is exploration Lewis and Clark

you want to be okay with exploring new Realms not just in the bedroom but in the mental space you know just been open to versus the always no no I don't do that that's not how I grew up in the mama said that's open to exploring and if you're not ready to do it exactly what it is as being ass what is the Compromise what is the halfway point right next door and alteration of the exploration if we need to know if if you see that this creature crawling on the ground and it looks scary and you've always been afraid of insects but your partner is like hey let's go look and explored bug

something as simple as that

okay I'll go with you I'm going to stand behind you you can touch it in case the Flies up but I'm going to walk with you over to explore that thing exploration of life with your partner to keep that alive within a relationship that is it it made take you like hey I'm going to step back and change it flies up at me but I'll Trust your lips look at it after someone can give us a paper bag and we would just play with that thing all day long do different things with it so yes bringing that in a sense back into that relationship it will spark things and keeps it stimulating childhood and exploring know it's a little

how do we could you help you know I never children how did as parents we encourage our children to explore because I've noticed that sometimes parents become overprotective and they don't let their kids Explorer and then you have these anxious children you know yes yes who don't explore with later on and fax in relationship to its that part of exploring

I am a open question open-ended question mommy okay and so there is really nothing that my children are not open to asking me because usually if they're asking to turn it back around and so will you tell me what do you think like cuz I want to hear from you before I give my answer because my answer was transformed what you thought always thinking they will still come to me but they still want that will tell me what you think in that situation well let's sit back and let's watch What's Happening Here, what you said and just do open with everything as they are and sometimes my college kids shares too much and especially for my husband good he's like

what are I love that keeping it open and let them know that you coming to us to ask a question or letting us know that you're given to get to the situation is way better than I get a phone call later of you being hurt brokenhearted something happen if someone gave you the wrong information so that's how I feel like your parents are more open to asking and then sitting back and listening then they will build a bridge a two-way Bridge with those children that no matter what comes up what I see like my nine-year-old the Lil Nas x video what do you want to wear but it's an expression video and this is what I think it means and he told me what you thought of me and then that was it

it was exciting for the moment but when you do your child comes easy with that busy on your like the first thing I'm going to do is find my curiosity yes or what if they walk in on you having sex in your life will be right with you instead of like you know I mean done that Kilt keep at it what do you what do you do when the children walk in on you and your you know having sexual intimacy or do you guys just had a lock on the door and that's never happened to you ever just lay there and say hey can we help you do you need something know what do we tell you about opening the door when it's closed excitement is no you did something bad night at night

we just left but if not there's always a way

it's kind of like when a baby falls and you know and you're like if you want to I'm in my dad's how you respond is how they'll respond oh look at you you're a big boy in all good for you how's that and you defer or deflect the attention away from it so how you respond really will help impact how they react and think about it until we shamed children regarding her body image or you know

nakedness we absolutely the same as placed around and sexuality is scary and it

it just depresses what a child can grow in their mind like from me I don't mind walking around in bra and panties just like having a bathing suit I wouldn't know. Man do in the house because I don't want to scare any of the children but what I know is going to be curious about what is a female body look like because Mommy has no that girls must have something with bumps inside of a bra and something you know and my nine-year-old he has no conversation.

I don't know is it a tech doesn't hurt okay with alcohol or peroxide on it anymore so I love that openness about the body that another way of exploration but you're not have no problem with their problems I think that never want their partner to see their body or they're even afraid to even look at there by themselves yes yes yes and that is something going back to the whole shaming aspect

that's why sometimes I I remember back in my practice in Pennsylvania if I had somebody with body dysmorphia their homework assignment was the vacuum naked

I love that I say just vacuumed naked this week you don't shut the shades in the doors or whatever but I need you to become acquainted with this Temple of yours and realize that you know it is not it'll just go back on Match and they thought it was the weirdest but it was just one of those things to say let's break this I got to do that or have sex with the lights on right at least like go back you naked let's get used to this body cuz it ain't going anywhere. You only have one body yes definitely so what's the number for spontaneity and so that's a little bit different than expiration in that it could be you guys are just driving down the street you just pick up your partner from work and it is Friday and you say you know what I called my mom to go take care of the kids

New York for the weekend those type of spontaneous just

just because moments some new fish for the house just because you and your partner your husband out doing a date and many couples that I hear they're like I can't leave my children alone I don't know how ya whether there are five where they're 15 yeah they feel guilty even if it's just as a mom you go when you go out to dinner by yourself today they feel guilty yes so what advice do you give to its mostly the mom said never really had a dad he felt guilty

spell for me I am so far opposite of that guilt factor and I'm in of course that's all the work. Put it in a purpose of my boot camp I am so perfectly okay with just doing me at the cuz and for every mom that has that guilting stuff down inside of them I want you to hear this

the more you do for yourself the better you are for everyone around you because if you're able to relax and enjoy leave your cares away for awhile when you walk into your domain and the children seemed feel and smell your happiness they absorb a 10 and they're happy and they're at peace when your partner can still have relaxed you are versus help since you were last week he is now at peace

even though he may even think I made her happy that's fine you can think whatever you want I did it

give her a hug and she just about but it is it's you is understanding the difference of where selfish is perfectly okay because you're doing this so that you can be the better for your environment because when your instant here's one thing I'll say to parents

your children don't need you as much as you think they didn't exactly say that even the three-year-old they got it they don't they will let you know

leave those children playing let them sleep

we put our anxiety on our children and we stifle them so leave them burgers at home when we go to different places my husband to stay with what about the kids but what about them they know how to fix breakfast lunch and dinner my mom is around the corner there's a dog there to park of someone comes out of house I'm trying to go are you going to go with me or not and it also teaches is every child my own for them to be okay being alone with themselves yes you know I'm not always being entertained but if you've never left your kid alone they won't say Yes yes so it's important for them to also learn how to be entertained

absolutely that's a necessity

yes we're going to take a short break and then when we come back we're going to hear V characteristics of a stimulating relationship will be back in a moment

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Welcome back to the bring an intimacy show where intimacy is real we've been talking with Coach K about the five characteristics of a stimulating relationship and I think we should review the first four and then State the five yes so the first forward

learning yourself

the next one was learning your and your partner's love language ate with communication being attached then we had been watching it and then exploration awesome yes I do with these and she was talking about how this exploring the exploitation how that's so great not only for the relationship but it also helps create a balanced family lifestyle which is important for many many couples that are married because there's wild dominant homes in that what does that do if your Bowers the intimacy between the parents the couple's because any time there's a child nominate home and I do not get that idea that that's how your home runs Coach K

it is boring you go to visit them in there like we sit around just watching the children do look at me look at me we're doing this wait a minute there's more to this this is a family relationship

you get the idea. Three with that or am I just a single woman not wanting to watch kids run around the living room as they look at me tell this young lady who runs a nonprofit business and when we get on a call I had to tell her you know sometime you know everyone doesn't want to hear the kids and then I was like I'm someone away from you and your children don't need you as much as you think they do that's not to say that you're not needed it's that give them a little bit of autonomy and let them grow and have a little Independence and come back to him

Maleficent play excited to hear about the last one

the last one

is

date yourself and well it's not date yourself means that you truly take yourself places

alone

you grab that a long time even if you're in a relationship especially if you're in a relationship we forget that we are to individual people that came together to form of Union and so when you hear people say you know a marriage is 50/50 well that marriage is probably in trouble because it should be a hundred a hundred and you should be a whole person in that prints on her purse which means that you guys go do separate things

gold at yourself because when you come back home you might have learned something new you may have seen something triggering you may have seen something that excited you go to the strip club come back home babe I just saw this girl she did this thing watch this and he's going to be like

or if he goes out with the fellas

and that you know brought it up at the football game and then he comes back home and all he wants to do is fall into your arms because he's over being with his friends now he longs to be with you that is going to stimulate that relationship because you all have done some individual things you did it yourself right so that when you come back you have appreciate each other because you weren't there together life and that also will help there's some people and invite even mention like strip club or going to play yeah watch the game or whatever there's some people who get very jealous when their partner goes and does something with other people are go somewhere where they shoot

because in reality like you said especially to create fire and passion uniair yes in a relationship which means you need to do your own thing so yeah it doesn't make sense I don't have when people get all jealous about all that kind of stuff well for some people it's like if they feel like you know that they are not doing that for her husband or their spouse insane why would you have to rely on somebody else and to be stimulated and am I not doing this for you and it just boils down to the marriage relationship and the partner relationship and what their same values are and what they what they communicate or another doctor April I know what you're saying because some people do become jealous of it and other people are like they have open relationships and it's just

right yeah absolutely I did a room and I spoke on that when you walk into the relationship it should be with everything that you need and you should only be there to special once and then you allow your partner to formulate those ones back to you the way that they are able to because when you're full of everything you need there's little room for disappointment there's little room for you to blame will you didn't do this or you may need

give them your once you're once will eventually become their needs because they want to make you feel the best so becomes a part of their needs list without you walking in the what advice would you give to a woman who is upset when her husband comes home after going to some place like Hooters or Twin Peaks and wants to have sex with her and she says

Nope or she feels jealous what would you say to her what advice would you give this woman I think the two of you truly need to see a third-party Council and find out the deeper root of that because if there is a a hint of

jealousy because you know your partner went out to a place like that then there's something bigger than this one situation that's happening where he may have made her feel insecure at some point or she walked into it a little insecure didn't speak on it hit it for all of these years and now it's turned into

will you want everyone else except for me and you so it's great advice and then some people come into our relationship as the 2nd or the 3rd so they may be paying for that other person so their relationship

I like your style Coach K I really do I like you

yes I like all the beds.

Yes yeah and I'm glad we mention insecurities because Dad really impact

relationships yeah

yeah that comes back to communication and like to mention earlier having that free Mario coaching or counseling is necessary the conversations that we don't have in the first six months of meeting someone shows up I've years later as the worst argument simply book has one conversation of don't throw your clothes in the floor right

or they spend too much time getting to know one another's bodies and not getting to know one another so you cuz you know what anybody can have sex you know animals but so getting to know the person and how they respond and what they enjoy and not just their body so that's what I really heard you and your five you know by characteristics every stimulating relationship must have all five of those have to do with getting to know the individual and getting to know yourself it's pretty fabulous.

yes thank you coach K if anyone's out there and they're listening and they want to connect with you how can they find you

absolutely you can learn more about myself at my website which is love and intimacy 101.com the boot camp that we mentioned earlier it's at on your Edge sis. Calm I'm always open to phone call and text I was giving my number out if you need to set up an appointment or a complication is 804-967-4551 or you can shoot me an email at info at love and intimacy 101.com all social media is Coach K that's k a y 101 and you are on clubhouse Tuesdays which I need to join one of these days Tuesday at what time Eastern states at 7:30 p.m. Eastern Standard Eastern Standard different topic every week

look at you but on Friday mornings Eastern Standard Time if you can join I'd love to have you as moderator I'm sure dr. April would agree absolutely 30 a.m. eastern standard time I think a lot you offer an awful lot for our listeners yes definitely and it's only for an hour don't think we can you can come now as we begin to wrap up I want to just tell people that next week we have Colin Mochrie and I couldn't be more excited about this if you're familiar with Whose Line Is It Anyways you don't remember Colin Mochrie and next week you'll be talking about emotional connections with the transgender child and June 3rd with Ashley tub sex influencer and educator Melody and Streator June 10th and domini Drew on June 17th we have a lot coming up and then finally I do want to say that we have other updates on the show that we want to remind you of

regarding BBC the BBS membership you can follow us on social media if you want to be a part of the VIP Community then request to join us I'm bringing intimacy that Facebook group and our page follower Instagram Tik-Tok Twitter Youtube to get the idea and most of all join our patreon because when you get an opportunity to have an after the show look cuz we are getting together after April and I are going to get together and we're going to talk about these V stimulating characteristics in some of those things that we talked about that we couldn't go deeper in in the time that we had with you coach

that's always a fun time

does he is awesome yes thank you guys so much for being on the shell and Cote you're welcome anytime and it thank you so much I'll see you guys next week thank you