welcome to the bring intimacy back show we are intimacy is real if you desire to intimately connected with your self your significant other children and family friends community and your higher power this show is for you that's we explore intimate topics inspiring life stories beer Tuality and insightful tips on strengthening relationships this show is hosted by dr. April ever tell those dr. Kelly now let's get this episode of the bringing intimacy back show started because we share with you the secret power to intimacy to create a life you love or love the life you create now here's your host dr. April has dr. Kelly intimacy is real how are you doing dr. Kelly I'm doing well I feel like I'm juggling baby so you know you can place and keep them spinning when you're really busy right and if you drop a plate no worry will I say hey you're standing
a lot of plates I'm juggling babies yes so what they are you juggling well everything from my new job at the local College here in Northeast Michigan in a real baby my niece had a baby three awesome avee Liu wonderful yeah but I thought I was able to go to check out a retreat cuz that's where we're going to be doing one of their vacation counseling Retreats but it was so peaceful Costa Rica's wanted to they say one of the safest countries in South and Central America
he's an idiot. Travilla is there a slogan which is pure life you know I know that you love nature and getting getting close to the Earth and all of that and so I bet you're just you know I get to work in a beautiful place like that and yes yes yes yes yes and how to find a time for it out but it's been great it's been great and I can't wait to share cuz to make that with everybody out there that's listening and stuff so yeah yeah I didn't Miami my second book is coming out in the second book it's out but the audio part is coming out since that's been good
on September 1st
wow that's sneaking up here fast yes definitely a yes and the other thing of course is Dad bringing intimacy back is and yeah I love that you know I'm there so many more things that we can do with bringing the key back with the show overall and help more people with it being a nonprofit that was a wonderful moment I knew what I wanted to do was to bring more resources and information about relationships you know through all of the changes in our society more than we could ever guess or imagined springboard Janelle and years but it's like if it hasn't once before this thing is going to Skyrocket yes I'm excited for it yes definitely
and then your mission what is the mission of vacation counseling before we get to today's topic that is what is the mission the primary mission for vacation the primary mission of vacation counseling is to bring couples to an area where they are not stressed out about their jobs and all that kind of stuff where they're relaxed they can take time to enjoy one another but also learn about themselves as we do a lot of stuff intimacy and I learn about each other between that Bond of intimacy among each other and many times it also gets a spiritual we have two or three councillors and it is sometime pretty intense you know it's intense therapy in but when we talked about therapy sometimes it can't get intense and with intense therapy it is good
but sometimes you know what there's some people that just need a quickie tiny and what he's bringing I did a little bit up I'll look into that said he was a minimalist I can't wait to ask a question and a quickie people like what are we talkin about the minimum
how big is it
hopefully we can hit yes to the show and what I'm really talking about is solution-focused therapy yes that make you laugh I wouldn't agree by the way with that but yes yes yes yes and what I mean by a quickie is back in the day when they had do they stuff
can we still participate psychoanalyst with some people that sit on the couch and lay on the couch and be there for five ten years trying to figure out the meaning of life
so disrespectful no no no it's too I'm finding what we call solution and this sense of therapy
Kinder Kinder I think you know my name is Elliot, and it's such a shity name like I can't stand the name Elliott growing up I was born in 1976 so around the time I hit Elementary School this big huge movie came out called ET and it tormented my elementary middle school years because the main character movie named Elliott now
you know sometimes you just have a bad name and solution-focused brief therapy is actually not an accurate name because it makes people try to find Solutions or even focusing on Solutions but In fairness that's completely not extra is not what we're doing at all
if if if I don't know I mean I would absolutely be there because that's what I have to go into the lab and think of a new name but I think what we do is much more about helping people achieve outcomes or or a transformation in their life that's what I was trying to tell her to come Out Come Focus transformation Approach at the what it is so it's really great that you get to be on the show today and help people understand what solution-focused therapy is in brief therapy and going spring wording off of what dr. April said so many people go to therapy in are there for years because you know they dig in the past so deep and they're not necessarily looking for Solutions but some therapist
like Dennis don't like cavities give me a break and keep them in business right so sure I'll talk about your childhood how much does help educate us on this area I do homework packet of behavioral therapy so what's one of the primary focuses solution-focused therapy is brief therapy is to help the client to achieve their desired outcome that's that's what I would say it actually has nothing to do with Solutions at all it's much more about finding a meaningful desired outcome that will transform your life
we'd normally we kind of skipped a step getting in here talking about why you don't like your name and our perception guess or how they Define intimacy so doctor April go ahead and ask Elliot time I'll need to find intimacy that I didn't get to finish letting everyone know that Jana Elliott spin around not just the wrong GT but he has done a lot of speaking engagements and also he's been constant ads in keynote speakers he's been throughout the u.s. import New Zealand African Germany versus Switzerland colon on Denmark he has his own little training group
that he uses and that he trains other therapist on solution-focused are out of town focus and hear what he's also written for book The Art of solution-focused therapy one thing that I do like about him though when I looked at other solution-focused he also brings it into couples therapy with some some people have a hard time doing so he wrote a book also called solution-focused a solution building and couples therapy solution Focus marriages and solution-focused brief therapy with clients with managing trauma
so with all that talk back as we're talking about I'm couples one of the main things that I do the show about it's about intimacy and so I kind of want to know from you what is your definition of intimacy
when two people are connected in a way that they do not connect with anyone else where the content within the connection is just for the two people in those people alone that was an intimate connection to me
interesting people connectivity can I like that and how does that in the work that you do how does that impact, do you see couples that lock
intimacy that's a good question I wouldn't say I lack intimacy because intimacy
far as I'm concerned it occurs on a on a spectrum on a Continuum people that are having low intimacy moment of people having high into the into intimacy moments but but I see couples where intimacy is a challenge I see couples were where people mean intimacy is a really interesting thing because we often don't talk about the importance of it though so like I just said right so intimacy is a connection between two people wear in the content of that connection is not shared externally
and I think often times people we don't realize the impact
of intimacy and the power and importance of intimacy so that's why we like we tell secrets that we're not supposed to tell because like I told you that intimately between you and I I did not have any antenna that you would take our content if you share it with someone else physical intimacy is another example is that why that's why we have you know extramarital Affairs where where people like so we have to learn to honor intimacy we have to learn to Foster intimacy we have to learn to build intimacy and then once we have it we have to learn to nurture it because it is a really really important facet to all in every relationship
yes definitely and I'm the show I'm going to buy to mention that part of you know Sharon thoughts are showing connection because in the show here we talk about intimacy not only the physical part but the communication part the emotional part to all the other various aspects of intimacy and that in that realm yes until I was working with them cuz you work with thousands of couples yes yes yes yes why is your theory so important in training counselor to use it with couples
well because as you said earlier which is super accurate a lot of people don't like you well first of all a lot of people in our field don't like working with couples that all I can tell you as I travel on the world I can't tell you how many people tell me I do not see couples I refer them to other people so I think it's important that we train clinic in cuz the reason why people don't don't like seeing couples because they're scared so I think the only way to combat bats beer
is to educate right so I think it's super important that we have to educate people that like here's how to do this work now secondly people don't like to use solution-focused brief therapy with also because they're scared because there's a really interesting thing so I just said solution-focused brief therapy is about achieving an outcome
so the most common question that people have is if I'm going to work with a couple which represents two people what if they have different and opposing outcomes that they want to achieve so the therapist thinks what on Earth do I do if I have an outcome driven approach but I have two people in front of me that have two and opposing different outcomes and I think it's really important that we we get trained that we know exactly how to do how to do those things on here but it's not my favorite at all so I'm a good little
case study for you on this but what if they have the one comes into therapy legit this is happened with me one comes in and if she don't come they want a cheetah's that they will get a divorce and the other one comes in and wants to stay together you in therapy because the the question that we ask we went by the way that's a very common thing like that happens all the time but we have to understand is no one wants they don't want to get divorced for divorces sake and then want to stay together for staying together State we have to ask people assume you got a divorce what do you hope is the manifestation of that action right so like let's say after therapy you got you you decide to get a divorce what do you hope happened on the other side of that and then people say stuff like oh my gosh I finally be happy
adjust the pathway towards towards what they see as as a way to happiness what the outcome that people are seeking is actually happiness it's the thing it's the thing on the other side of the decision
most of all right to be happy true but then you know what happens you've got a job that stress you out and took you away from the home you had three tubes and you lost connection or intimacy with your partner you got laid off like life happens you know like when when marriage is a really funny thing because we sign a contract at 24 that we expect to be still been at reaping benefits at 54 and in life often intervenes and our job is to help people get back on track and stay on track
okay so let's take a going to take a short break and when we come back we're going to focus on time is zactly what you're saying what if you're in the marriage right now and you want the outcome to be happier what do you do where do you look who do you go see that's what we're going to talk about exactly about in the moment okay we'll be back are you going to take a vacation in Paradise medication to rekindle the passion without the kids a vacation where you can learn how to communicate where you and your partner actually hear each other in the game inside if so vacation counseling is your next vacation created vacation Counseling in Southwest Florida as a perfect option for you and your partner our Retreats are one couple at a time we have a variety of packages available to choose from
virtual Couples Retreat if you and your partner interested in the vacation counseling please visit us at vacation counseling.com for more information on pricing and packages also follow us on Instagram and Facebook to keep track of the latest news stories activities or coupons on vacation counseling and Doctor April's other services we encourage you to sign up to receive a monthly newsletter called internet connection at dr. April Brown. Calm remember if you and your partner are struggling with communication and intimacy and you all are looking for a retreat to connect vacation counseling can be your next vacation in Southwest Florida
welcome back to the bring it interest a show where intimacy is real we're here with Ellie Kanye talking about solution-focused which is what we now or calling her focusing on is the outcome
yes yes so the people out there that are struggling because even in this last year there is so many people who are struggling with copas for Los you know all this extra stress that is Carson of course a lot of relationships to break apart because each person is I mean this covid and all this other stuff it's been so kind of basically even in your book on solution-focused brief therapy with clients with trauma
what do you do in this situation
as the couple or what do I do with it so there's a couple things that you have to do number one is stay connected to your partner as your partner as we age and we we mature through life we have a tendency to fall into our other roles like parent professional or whatever you have to stay connected to your partner as your partner now in the past year-and-a-half we're dealing with this pandemic
we have taken on roles that we didn't intend to like lots of people are homeschooling their children now because the the schools closed and for a whole year they had to have to become teachers when they weren't teachers a lot of people working from home and it's so crazy because we went from being a very mobile Society to now we're all in the house all day everyday and it's really important that you attend to your partner even in the midst of the chaos now the biggest mistake that couples makes they say stuff like I feel disconnected from my partner and I'm going to take a vacation to get reconnected to my partner got it and put the vacations not until nevuary 31st and would like literally you can stay connected dedicating just like minutes to your relationship like I remember growing up there was an infomercial when I was in high school about like 6 minutes
and it's like super washboard abs person was there on the TV you can literally have like six minute
happiness right like if you are as a couple if you wake up in the morning and before you get up and start making breakfast in the Parish School lunch get the kids ready for bed ready for school if you just laid in bed and just held your partner for 6 minutes write you just laid in bed just held your partner in a moment like in a minute we're going to open that door and the kids going to come flying in and the bills are going to start like for right now we're just going to be two people who are still in love in the midst of the chaos those little things are the building blocks to a healthy happy relationship that we just don't know how often do
add so I'm just thinking about the training of solution-focused but many of us have learned his therapist is you know what is that Miracle question and then working back with doing baby steps so I what you're telling the couple is baby steps
well when I would tell them the couple would be
educated nuanced steps
are you you ask anybody how they fell in love they don't say oh my gosh we met and I went on a date and we went to the Paris for three days on that gate and he just won me over in Paris it's that little stuff like a friend of mine told me I have his wife when you knew that he was the person for you and he said we were out on a date
and more she said actually we were out on a date and the the server brought the check to the table
and he pulled out his debit card to pay for the meal
and she said I'd never dated anyone who didn't ask who's paying and she said
I knew he would be someone that would take care of me and this is a really strong woman who would also let me take care of him so my challenge this for so now here they are they married down like 20 some years and a 20 years into the relationship if that couple were to start faltering and they said
Elliot what kind of losing our strive how do we get back on stride I would say be the man that she thinks we'll take care of her and be the man that will allow her to take care of you like in those things have those are the nuances those are the things that happened between the lines of life and so often we start thinking about like you know I need to do the you know whole technique where I need to do the whatever but never know you need to you need to be the person
you need to show her clues that you were the person that she fell in love with those things happen is no small little nuances those things happen and those small little moments like dr. Kelly was just talking about her great-niece when when we were started doing this and I can tell that this young lady matters are as young girl matters to her
because the way she sparkled when she talked about it like it's that little stuff it has nothing to do with how many diapers she changes or how many bib she did like actually that stuff doesn't really matter evidence of Love or good good on Ting if you will the evidence of the the the role you play as the the little subtle things in your tone when you talk about them your tone when you talk to them that look in your eye when you look at them like that that's how you make a life it it's not about the tasks it's about the stuff that happened between the test
yeah I love that the new wants is also is where sometimes in relationships people can feel duped because they originally bought this is the who this person is a person changes and then they start to not pull up the debit cards or they not to start to not pay and it becomes the arguments become of all finances then that individual can feel like hey wait a minute this isn't what I thought would happen so let's say Elliott and decorate boys could be can do it also if you have a spot with a couple who fell in love with this idea this person this is who they presented when that the first five years and then something changes what advice would you give them
change that if someone first of all I'm supposed to change I'm about you guys I'm 44 years old I was when I was 4 years old yes but I have to show my partner
that the person you fell in love with this still in there
and the change isn't a change that's bad for you like I've got to bring my partner along with my changes and as you're saying like sometimes we forget to do that and I think we have to go and we have to go remind them like we have to go there to go and get them right do we have to go in and try to connect with our with our partners and let them know this change is actually a good change and I'm going to I'm going to go and discover I'm going to go and demonstrate that to you
yes and with that change that you just talked about cuz I know you have a approach call The Diamond approach can you explain how that works. He's actually really challenging to teach because it's not really technique Evie some of my friends is a really prominent CBT therapist and their approach to psychotherapy is a lot easier to teach was very technique heavy going to your session do this if the client responds like this do this like it's a very kind of regimented way of doing therapy which is why do quite well to curriculums because you can follow the plan solution-focused brief therapy is is more
relies on the creativity of the therapist so the diamond approach is a is a map that my colleague and I dr. Adam thrower created that serves as a as a roadmap on how to navigate your way through solution-focused conversation
okay
a relationship or the back of the communication or the passenger it's not about the client content is about the professionals thinking because like you should be doing therapy thinking about what desired outcome is this client a couple or family or Tina whatever here to achieve and once you know the desired outcome than you now have to do something we refer to as a description you going to be thinking like how do I do this description and then once you have a description you have to if the know how to end the session in a way that increases the likelihood that change will take place right so a lot of couples approaches are about like help the couple do this this and this and this is an approach that's more about like what's the therapist thinking as they're conducting Psychotherapy that will help them craft the type of questions at solution-focused brief therapy is known for
yeah and I like how you put that it's creative because no couples the same no no and even going back to that scenario of what are you do it is finding a way of having them connect understand each other
in the sense that they're moving for
I'm curious if how you don't obviously a therapist would not need if you were a countertransference cut this would have really good from what Elliot has been speaking about solution-focused therapy we have some more questions for you also Elliott when we come back from our next break like the miracle question that first when she focused therapy
I'm in a little bit not much himself with the miracle question is as we're educating our listener is when a therapist asked you hey when you wake up tomorrow if everything was perfect what is it look like
right yeah and then taking fast some kind of what Elliott was talking about whatever they say that is and working backwards exactly to get the outcome which is really important
and that aspect and I also like how we did talk about it when I do couples therapy I honestly one of the first thing and it's not in my question the other day fell out for a specific needs is to hear their back story
here why they got connected
yes because I like kind of like sense than that reminds you that's the reason why I fell in love with you but people do change over time does seeds of who they are who they were those Caesar who they were still in their ear treatment I think I would argue positive psychology weaves this into their treatment
what came first the chicken or the egg I like that also as a therapist myself you reminded me to make sure and any therapist that's listening to smells that therapist that listen to the show it is very very important that you are very present in all of your therapeutic session so you're the kids who are the active agent and that's what you seem to have described earlier Elliott I would say I think it's written by the way sorry for the typos but I would say is Ripley real important to be very very present in all things that you do if somebody wants in describing Michael Jordan said
his greatest gift is his ability to be in the moment at all times and this person asked Michael Jordan if he was nervous to take the last shot in a game and Michael Jordan said no of course not and he said why aren't you nervous and he said why would I be nervous about a shot I haven't taken yet because he have the ability to stay right where he was at all time and most of us we get worried about things down the road or down the line and that takes us away from being in this present moment and I think that's true for when you're doing solution-focused brief therapy like if I'm if I'm going to go to a therapist so I can me and my partner go to go to the therapist I want a therapist that is focused and in the moment
but that's also true about other every other Walk of Life the thing that I think it's such a shame about The Human Experience is I know a lot of people that worry worry worry worry worry
didn't things work out well so the only thing the worrying did was ruin your moments up until the time when everything worked out and I try very hard to be like Michael Jordan I just want to stay in this moment like why would I be nervous people often ask me like you said I've traveled all around the world and glitter laptop solution-focused brief therapy on every continent on the planet is that the Antarctica and I would have a trip to like I don't know I think I'm going to be book Boot It Again
oh okay if we do it again
oh okay yeah sorry about that technology we're going to take a short break right now and this conversation will take a short break and will be back in a moment if you're listening if you have a pulse you have stress if you have stress you should get to go online type in therapist near me then you find a list of letters l m HCL PC and see see how can you navigate me understand all this go to doctor Kelly boucher.com dr. Kelly specializes in supporting people who suffer from Stress and Anxiety you can have help today dr. Kelly boucher.com
welcome back to bring an intimacy show where intimacy is real and today we've been talking about solution-focused brief therapy with LA County he's back here yes and stuff you were talking about and something that dr. Kelly have mentioned early it's when sometimes people change like a couple gets together they're really happy and then the chain and I think over the years sometimes the change is because of stress it's because of things that happened and I know you did a great job just not talking about being in the moment and sometimes people have a hard time being in the moment because I call it flooded but they're so stressed out and so I'm I'm curious in the sense of your therapy approach it is supposed to be focusing on outcomes
how can you keep a person in the moment
if they'll condemn people think about, sometimes they're thinking of these goals and things in the funeral I'm saying that's how I help people realize that your outcomes are only as pained by your now habits so I'm not really it's not just about out cuz it's also about the version of yourself that you are right now that is either congruent to the manifestation of that I would come or not so once we have an outcome that we can now really hone in on your daily hourly minute-by-minute habits that make it more likely that you will achieve that outcome or her less likely that you will see that okay
example example is when I was younger I wanted to be a professional baseball player I was really good at baseball so you do want to be a professional baseball player so that I wanted to have impacted my moment-by-moment decisions so in high school and some of my friends like Hey we're skipping school we're going to go to a party like no no future professional baseball players don't do that so I'm going to stay in school when my friends asked me to drink or smoke I was like no no professional baseball players don't do this so my my dream for future had a significant impact in the way I lived my life moment-by-moment
I bet you can't keep happening and I just had a great question to ask I don't know if you can hear me I didn't know if he likes mission-focused in the room seem like it should be anything worth doing is going to have obstacles and so I think it's interesting how we're springboard and lots of this and we keep going to be where you are you know and we're having axles obviously technical difficulty getting Elliott, but keeps coming back what's your perception on that last that last cake
on the part of being in the moment and yes yes and what I was just going to do he's back now or I was literally I've been teaching you all day in this did not I don't know what is going on yes tell Elliot I was just wondering if you're talking about couples but it seems like you've been doing the solution Focus ever since the womb ever since you got out of your mother's rumor EBT but I quickly discovered solution-focused and then this was the way I turned it and haven't looked back since
impact everything and now it's the only thing that we have some more control of her even like looking at you guys are both of you have doctorate degree that's not easy to do at some point you said yourself I want to achieve this and it impacted the decisions that you made it I'm sure people said like hey you want to go to parties you like no I got to write a paper or on people said hey you want to go do this cool thing I got to study for this exam and your your moment-to-moment decisions are what helps you become so high-level educated I think one of the biggest things I gets in the way of people is we don't have an outcome that we're focused on so that's why we're not making moment-to-moment decisions from an anchor point
that is that is definitely true and yet and you're right in some and specially in dealing with relationship they just think if you're in a marriage that's it doesn't require any work
that's right we don't we don't even think about it but I'm going to be thinking what kind of manager I want to be in what do I mean partner to experience and how do I make that happen I got I got to be thinking about those things because that's going to impact my mom at the moment decision
how would you suggest a question earlier from a listener but how do you keep that in the Forefront when you're there so many other stressors in life
how do you say however you need to some people write it down some people have daily Mantra some people meditate but you keep it in the Forefront the same way you keep everything how do you remember that it's important to raise your children I mean like you keep the important stuff in the 4 / front however you need to do so and it's different for everybody but it's really really important that you that you keep like somebody said the the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing so it's really really important
it's like once you decide but here's the kind of relationship I want here's what I want my partner to experience you just keep that stuff in the Forefront in the Forefront however you keep important things
important they ask you how does spirituality
show up in your therapy in the fmt therapy and that varies based upon the clinician I happen to be a spiritual person and so my spiritual beliefs my spirituality is there was released but my my my faith guides almost everything that I do so that includes psychotherapy but it doesn't show up in there be like I don't talk about faith in therapy with my client brings it up or I don't I don't like teach my client the Bible or anything like that but I'm a person of Faith so my my face shows up in and how I live my life up to and including how I do therapy
okay so answer question if you like you said it depends on the therapist okay and also of course. The client
yep okay I'll write the thing that I liked about solution-focused brief therapy it's also it's not just done in session
it's done throughout the day today
yeah I would say most of the work happens between sessions actually that you would give a couple let's say they're having intimacy issues with the sexual intimacy issues within a marriage what type of homework would you use for sft
what
yeah we don't we don't give we don't give tasks or homework
really I don't know cuz I know they're thinking is irrational
wow this is I might have to do some reading of Elliott 90 bucks I told you I'm about to blow your mind I know about it other than using Miracle question a few times cuz I do see obviously that's where you started and then you ever together or do you just strictly stick with the solution-focused brief therapy videos you have broken up with CVT it was just time for me to move into this new Direction. They're listening and they want to connect with you
how can I go about doing that
go to my website man go to Elliott Connie cam two L's two keys you can find me on social media Instagram Facebook Twitter at Elliot speaks with two L's and two T's again and I love connecting with people names like my favorite thing ever so yeah man I want to help therapist so that they can help more clients like the reason why I like working with couples the most impactful thing you can do to someone's life is help them experience more love so I want to make more love happen in this world like that that is what I would I die I want to say he was a true love maker like this man made more in this world that is an honest-to-goodness what I want
okay so how can therapist cuz I know you have classes and I would love to to be a resource to everybody out there who works as a psychotherapist in and help them be more skilled in their work and more understanding and solution-focused brief therapy and make a difference in more people's lives and you provide certification in the correct absolutely
awesome. Thank you so much for being on the show
yes definitely he has a reef learned so much and we're definitely going to check out your book and stuff
I found this so I'm wrapping up this that was an excellent show about solution-focused therapy and we have some upcoming shows doctor Kelly we have April dear you know I have a hard time it must be Italian but Inside Your Heaven Christian yellow Hearts my goodness Christian De La Huerta super you creating a we have Michael O'Brien and cultural intimacy that so important right now Nikki Nash unlocking your Genius for September 16th and remember listeners follow us on our social media bring you in to see that, and also we are on Twitter YouTube and Facebook we really are grateful for everything that you do for us listening to us both we are
are telling our listeners are off right now we're so grateful and be sure to check out after April's ebook you can find her at bring in the si.com bringing in the sea back.com that's where they find your book right after April