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Bringing Intimacy Back
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Guest, Riana Milne

Bringing Intimacy Back with Dr. April Brown, co-host Dr. Kelly Bushey and guest Riana Milne, Life & Relationship Coach and Bestselling Author

Episode: Treating Trauma with Tenderness

Bringing Intimacy Back

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As we look around in this world today, it seems we are becoming more disconnected from one another, even though we have the technology to connect to more and more people than ever before. Furthermore, the lack of intimacy (in its many forms) is one of the top three reasons why relationships struggle and many times end.

Thus the Bringing Intimacy Back talk show is a show dedicated to inspire, enlighten, and encourage intimate connections. This show provides an engaging atmosphere to discuss and demonstrate ways to enhance intimacy in one’s personal relationships with significant others, families, friends, Higher Power, and oneself. The show will discuss intimate connections in many different forms, such as sex, communication, emotional, physical, health, and spiritual. In fact, research has shown that as we increase our intimate connection with ourselves, our Higher Power, and others.  It will help decrease the conflicts, anxiety, and depression in our lives.

THE MISSION

Increasing intimacy for all has become Dr. April’s mission. The mission statement of the show is to provide an atmosphere to discuss and demonstrate ways to increase closeness in one’s personal relationships with significant others, families, friends, Higher Power, and oneself. Therefore, Dr. April started in February 2018 to host her own new Radio/TV Show Bringing Intimacy Back where she and other intimacy experts will provide resources and tips on increasing intimacy in all types of relationships. Audience members will be able to transform their relationships through relationship experts’ insights, useful and practical resources, role-playing, and audience participation. The show’s goal is to show its audience members that intimacy can be alive and real in the relationships we desired.

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Weekly Show
BBS Station 1
Thursday
Starts
2:00 pm CT
Ends
2:55 pm CT
Show Transcript (automatic text 90% accurate)

welcome to the bring intimacy pack show we are intimacy is real if you desire to intimately connected with your self your significant other children Family Friends Community and your higher power this show is for you that's we explore intimate topics inspiring life story dear Tuality and insightful tips on strengthening relationships this show is hosted by dr. April and her co-host dr. Kelly now let's get this episode of the bringing intimacy back show started because we share with you the secret hour to intimacy to create a life you love or love the life you create now here's your host dr. April and co-host dr. Kelly welcome to the show where intimacy is real how are you doing I'm doing pretty fantastic today I took my driver's license today love the picture and it was one take and I didn't blink
can I put my passport photo I'd be so thrilled but I can't I was like excuse me could you print a 3 by whatever that is yeah yeah yeah that's what I'm on my way to Costa Rica to start our vacation counseling Retreats there so I am so excited for my passport picture looks I don't think you're a good judge of your pictures I'm sure but I will tell you I'm really thrilled that we're doing that in Costa Rica vacation counseling my goodness but anyway yeah so today was talking about
Richard something. Yeah I seen in a lot of couples
recently I just spent impacting us all even in today's world what's going on yeah our childhood trauma can sometimes show its ugly face as an adult and I'm really looking forward to this topic about intimacy and how childhood trauma impacts that yeah yeah yeah and I miss X name and the stress and anxiety in and how not to have it all before, you know that yes yes yes keep in mind that you're not every child is happy to go to school
definitely but I'm definitely without bringing this Missy back ever and that is that were found laying on top of it which is great and finally got to take account after 5 thank goodness that happened today so I'm so excited about that and going to be on top and of course we do also have books and product about bringing it to our website but yeah but now it shouldn't really want to go into oh yeah look at the cop awesome yeah so I want to go into I'll guess we have you know sometimes
I feel like we're blessed with special guest on a shell yes and this was a guess who just came to us recently and I'm just honored and blessed by her just because she puts in all the things that you and I talked about also but I had such a higher level and how she's going to bring so much information to help out and help us you know what I mean oh yeah I'm in it so I want to introduce Rihanna Rihanna welcome to the show ladies thanks so much for having me on the life and dating and relationship coach licensed mental health counselor she's a certified mindfulness coach and she has written an educational speaker and an author
when does book called love beyond your dreams
that's the number one bestseller dreams Break Free of toxic relationships that have the love you deserve it's 400 Pages why do read about 350 resources unfortunately yes I want to know what is your definition of intimacy
well spiritually it's the into me I see which is knowing yourself being emotionally healthy evolved being being your highest in your best self and being emotionally healthy and when you have that and your partner has that you have amazing relationships Anita people don't have it is that what you're looking for parts I mean the first part is recognizing the toxic person I can break your heart second part is recognizing some of the habits that you might have gone into the sabotaging behaviors like love addiction codependency jealousy control people-pleasing a stage three is getting back out there today and stay apart for is what does the emotionally healthy evolve and conscious relationship look like
right not installed in your part one too many people out there that's mine today there trying to figure out who knows this. Yeah how do you deciphered through all of the online stuff you know who was good for me and he's not good for me well as the really first thing you want to know is do you have childhood traumas and to heal those that's the most important part about all of this because if you're not aware of your childhood trauma is you're going to attract someone else was wrong with the top 10 this is what I normally teach and then we can go from there so people understand what is trauma mean because most people think I don't have drama you know I do pretty normal childhood and when I did the childhood trauma checklist in 2012 when all the research was showing about 90% of people had 123 trama on the list but today 2021 they're showing 100%
adults have some childhood trauma so before they were saying 10% did not and but they did kind of have this little joke that the other ten percent or so ship has and nothing's ever wrong with it everything's wrong with her partner so I could totally relate to that you know they're not going to met anything's wrong with him so that's the important parts first identifying which, as you may have heard from the Dynamics you grew up with and when you know that then you will know what type of person you are attracted to because the brain likes homeostasis that likes to keep you doing what it knows okay so if you're related the relationship of your parents was not ideal and they were fighting a lot there's a lot of trouble back and forth to you Jesus normalize that and then in your adult relationships then you might have heard you know you might have been the one starting to yell and scream when
word happy there was an issue and there like why are you yelling at me it's like I'm not yelling at you I'm just discussing it but there were voices are raised because this is what they know okay so these normalize pattern friends coming to your adult love relationships and sensitive you know be hurtful or toxic
yeah one of my main question is like you said what do you do find some ass
I will if you're in the trauma relationship well at the 10 traumas would describe with the traumas are the but a toxic relationship would be something that actually physically makes you sick so it would be irritable bowel syndrome headaches upset stomachs all the time can't sleep anxiety ongoing anxiety bouts of depression and people take all kinds of medication to help this which is usually just abandoned their not getting to the root of the issues and they tend to again it's track somebody that is very similar to their childhood patterns and until they can fix that and be alert as to what those are then we have what's going on call RRS relationship repetition syndrome but I swear you have a break up I swear I won't get anyone else like that again the repeated ton of books it wasn't a podcast
a new relationship that is all so toxic and they can't figure out why so I usually get them at the point of I don't know what I don't know and I understand that point cuz I was there and I had a second traumatic relationship and I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong and that's what led me to my research with my husband at the time said I don't know why I sabotage everything I love and I was already at Your Darkest by that I said I don't know either what you are doing is not in the DSM for I have no idea what you're doing but I'm going to figure it out because childhood trauma back in 2011 and 12 was not talked about you didn't hear those terms
right so that's when I started doing the research and he had nine out of the ten top dramas with severity levels at 9 or 10
so it was obvious he had us but we call a dr. Jekyll mr. Hyde or secret life to society he's wonderful gregarious outgoing funny you know we was working in the schools and students loved them the parents left them in he had a great life but he sabotaged everything by risky choices and is risky choice is made him lose everything
so I would I write the book and never in the car because oh my God put my picture on the cover I'm the poster child for this stuff but I finally get what I'm doing wrong so it does bring closure to this problem relationships and the good thing is childhood trauma can be healed if you're in the love trauma relationship that usually takes two people but I have worked with a couple with one partner he's probably almost out the door and I said well what it's two things will happen you'll be so empowered and feel so great about yourself you won't want to stay in this and they won't change or they're going to see you change get scared and say wow I better arrive get my my life together here and step up and learn what he's learn or she's learning and then they come in towards the end
I work with singles and couples both
I'm a little lie
I'm just kind of enthralled with the topic because I had a I had a childhood that was pretty traumatic and then I would love that okay now keep in mind there are more than 10 but my experience I've been doing this 22 years so as a therapist I worked in the school through grades kindergarten all the way through college as a trauma counselor in New Jersey called a sack counselor Student Assistance counselor they don't have those here in Florida but that was the position I help and then I also I work in the mental health unit and a child adolescent ward of a hospital I also work and drug and alcohol rehab one for teenagers when some women from the prison system so despite the ages the culture of the backgrounds
matter man or woman straight lgbtq the 10 top from his were always the same so here they are and I'll share them with our listeners and as I share them I just want to make sure this is not about blame or shame it's not about blaming your parents at this stage of your life because of research shows if they had try if you had childhood trauma so did your parents and so did their parents it goes to at least three generations at least three and it's not about feeling ashamed or guilty if you have these things because we were just a little child a product of your environment we had no control over what was happening around us so we have to be very gentle and ourselves and say just look at it as a fact that happened or no it didn't happen because we can't change what we don't acknowledge our understand so the first card is really popping back in and thinking about it and just seeing how many traumas you had that's the first date I do with my clients
is the first one you or caretaker or parents might have had any addiction now as lcadc which is a drug and alcohol counselor if it's not about drugs and alcohol but that's one and two it's also a sex addiction so if you knew your parent was a cheater pouring use gambling hoarding spending eating gaming TV watching workaholism and social media or computer time and addiction to that so that would it take precedence over time with the child or cause some havoc in the household when those things were going on is the first Windows Edition about the nine other on childhood traumas back in touch with you and your child but also may have can impact your relationship and your
relationships will take a short break and we'll be like that are you on vacation in Paradise medication to rekindle the version without the kids a vacation where you going to learn how to communicate where you and your partner actually hear each other and game inside if so vacation counseling is your next vacation April Brown has created vacation Counseling in Southwest Florida as a perfect option for you and your partner our Retreats are one couple at a time we have a variety of packages available to choose from, including virtual Couples Retreat if you and your partner interests in the vacation counseling please visit us at vacation counseling.com for more information on pricing and packages also follow us on Instagram and Facebook to keep track of the latest news stories activities or coupons on vacation counseling and Doctor April's other services we encourage you to sign up for it
the monthly newsletter called intimate connections at dr. April Brown. Calm remember if you and your partner are struggling with communication and intimacy and you all are looking for a retreat to connect vacation counseling can be your next vacation in Southwest Florida
welcome back to bring an intimacy show where intimacy is real so on Today Show we're talkin about treating trauma and talk to you more about childhood trauma and how it impacts the relationship and we have a world expert Rihanna has been teaching us I'm going over the top 10 traumas that affect the first one we just went over wasn't until you let us know what the nine others so number two is verbal messaging that would be watching how your parents interact when there is an art an argument or a heated discussion are they yelling and screaming at each other or if they're mad at you do they yell and scream at you is also includes verbal put-downs never hearing compliments
never turn the words I love you very important words and verbal does make a big difference in how you feel about yourself as an adult okay number three is emotional abuse and neglect number for is physical abuse or molestation and then any of these could happen inside or outside of the home cuz it have to be the family how the next one is abandonment and I name two types are as false and no fault abandon it so it would be if you were never involved with your child if you were involved into the couple broke up and then you disappeared and barely saw the kids or you were there emotionally
so physically were there but emotionally absent and that happens in a lot of home soon as the parent was there or barely there when they showed up they didn't really interact with the kids and then go to the school the kids school events they just weren't very active so that's all no Faults would be if a parent happens to die early your parent had to go off to serve their country in war or if your parent had to travel a lot and that's how they supported the family and I initially didn't think I had that one and then I'm like wait I do remember asking my mom all the time when I was young when's dad coming home and she would say and discuss what I don't know where he is and I'm like well why don't you know where he is you know and we didn't know at the time but when my dad got sick with cancer we got letters from Ronald Reagan and William Casey he was FBI and CIA so they can't tell their family where they are
and now I understood it in my fifties but I'm like wow you know that I reached a lot of havoc in my family growing up but that's how he supported us so it was no for the next one would be if you were part of adoption foster care or had to go live in another family's home your parents can keep you in your home even if that means grandma or your ass and I worked with a lot of the kids from the foster care system in that was a huge mess of the a study that they did not include kids like this that when I saw that years later in like they don't have abandonment okay the next one is, seven this is the one that's most common people can relate to which is personal trauma this is if you were ever bullied or didn't feel good enough
worth it in so you could have been it's becoming overweight child you could have been skinny and gawking called a nerd you could have been the only African-American in an altercation School you could have tried to come out as gay or lesbian and not accepted for that so you can see how many people can really identify with that not Measuring Up not feeling good enough or being bullied for some reason that you might be different if the bullies mind right, they always think of what my parents did or did not do yeah it's your childhood life right. It's in your peer group and other stuff that's right okay, number 8 around siblings so your siblings have been born with a medical issue so they commanded more Mom and Dad's time
they could have been bullying you and very mean to you or they most often you see your sibling as The Golden Child the favored one the star athlete more handsome or beautiful the smartest students and you always felt like that can't measure up right so they always got the alkaloids okay, nine has two parts and one Community, sweet, 11 in my longer list and now that's one of the most active trauma is going on right now with a covid pandemic right so this is impacting 100% of us around the globe so people think they don't have trauma they too and you know if it impacts unfortunately there's so much as you ladies know going on in the schools I have grandkids with this big mask on mask off by in Florida you know and it's very scary cause little kids are starting to get sick right now
she and tension around all of that Community, Source or Mother Nature events-led spires hurricane hit wipe out large community so that's just an example also our mass shootings in our school shootings are part of community, the family trauma which is the other part of nine this could be a parent was incarcerated it could be a military family needing to move every two to four years and not put the kid in the school as the new kid all the time which is really get sold for the kids of military it could be brought up in a dangerous area so you always afraid to go to work and feel safe or secure it is could be grew up with a lot of lack messages no you can't have that those sneakers cuz we don't have the money in your selfish for asking like always has messages we don't have enough so there's many different family tree
but those are just a few and the number 10 is mental health issues in mom or dad the Baby Boomers were listening we didn't see our parents go to counseling the matter fact when I was bullied I pleaded to go to counseling my mom said no one in this family will ever go to a counselor like I'd embarrass the family I said then I'll grow up and become one as I did but yeah that was like a shameful thing so you didn't most people did not see their parents go to counseling back then they kind of have to guess but the two most difficult for kids to navigate around is bipolar and borderline personality so borderline personality disorder just quick to understand is real erratic low when they're good that can be great when they're bad they're horrid and you never know what you're going to get so it leaves a kid very anxious walking on eggshells and these people will explode at something
nobody else would think it's a big deal very difficult personality and then the bipolar is manic depressive and depression can come out as anger checking out emotionally
scuse me emotionally or extreme fatigue and
maxace a lot of people think that the high in happy face it can be but it's often tied around addiction so there hi and happy but they're going to go out and have a few drinks or go gambling or go on a shopping spree and overindulged so is often tied third section two so that is a top 10
no one can escape that no one can escape that they're going to fall somewhere on that list if a certain if a person exceeds a certain number what is the you know the caution so here goes okay they're okay here and then it goes up to that really depends on it depends on how many they have and the severity level so my ex had nine in the severity levels were 9 and 10 usually levels like that put you in sociopathic Psychopathic range Academy sociopath is somebody that uses another of her pleasure profit or lifestyle advancement they will hurt you and never apologize
so it's all in a sociopathic what can I get out of this okay but other people that have smaller amount of traumas how does it show up well if you had trauma seven and trauma to which is verbal messaging not positive or being bowling, seven you may have a need for control very jealous if your partner is talking to someone else because deep down inside you don't feel good enough or pretty enough or worthy enough of having that partner so you could be very jealous impulsivity is that thought if you grew up with a lot of black like I deserve the red sports car I'm not going to tell my wife about that she'll say no I grew up with nothing I'm going to go get it you know again not considering someone else is doing what you want is impulsive ET a lot of people have perfectionism like
I need for control because in their childhood their childhood was pretty dramatic they really had no sense of control over what was going on especially mom and dad was alcoholic angry so they tend to Crave control and be perfectionistic when they're adults abandonment issues can cause codependency and the love addiction and like I said you grew up in this kind of a home then you will be drawn to somebody who really loved bombs you so he wouldn't have much love or attention or hugs or kisses are here nice messages as soon as somebody love bugs do you know really going overboard and telling you how much they love you and care about you then it's really obvious that when somebody comes in and starts doing that then you're unconscious really crazy
it's interesting how you're saying like a bed they have a 7 and a 2 then this is how it'll display in their life it sounds like when people talk about the anagram you know if you're a 3:00 and a 7 I'm like I don't know I don't understand those yet I'm going to have to ask you a deep dive but I definitely I positively identify with the seven in the two so you know sometimes people don't play their traumas what would you say to what constitutes a trauma I guess that you would have already went through those yeah these are the top 10 traumas and what happened is again people children's Pines do certain things is coping mechanisms and then as an adult it just doesn't work out well so let's say you have the angry alcoholic mom you're the oldest female sibling and Mom's hungover and it's like he people-pleaser to death so she doesn't scream at you
or the other kids you get up early and make the lunches dress them get them fed go out to the bus stop and it's like we didn't get yelled at you know so the people pleasing became a survival school and then as an adult woman we often hear women that people please their husband or do everything for their families I hear them say Rihanna nobody appreciates what I do I do everything for everyone they never say thank you you know so they feel very resentful angry and exhausted right Feliz know if you hear somebody say a certain sentences then you kind of have an idea where they fall on the scale I'm guessing so I'm going to give you a few if a person responds this way where could they fall let's do that okay it's not that they fall on a scale and get a certain score it's not about a score it's more about what are their traumas about do we have to work on healing for them okay so yeah
will not I think I know based on what you said but if a person will let everybody else can buy a new truck or a new car but they themselves will use use a used one would that possibly tie into the lacking yes they deserve something new they may have the money but they don't spend on themselves this relates a lot in business the people who want to go into business for themselves will go so far that they have to make an investment in a high-end coach or marketing Guru or a funnel system whatever it is to grow their business and they're like oh no I don't want to invest that much I don't know what if it doesn't work for me so they put themselves down right away versus say okay I'm serious I'm going to do this cuz I know I will make this work for me different mindset have a very negative fear-based mindset cuz they weren't taught to believe in themselves so this
where it wreaks havoc and business it could also be you becoming very competitive in business you'll stay in a job that you hate for years just cuz it's a paycheck you know we see that all the time or the really nasty boss who in I just treat people terribly because that's how he was treated by his father doesn't know how to leave what if a person has a loss of a sibling and then let's see a parent abandon them when they're in their teens and then they have lost a sibling, that's a lot of losses that's a lot of Abandonment so hot so do is abandon and even if it's not intentional because the twin or The Sibling didn't
that's no small and then passing that could impact the person in their adult last loss of specially if it's twin you know where you grew up doing everything together it's a huge loss and a mother just choosing to leave you now it depends its fault I thought was a survival of the family that she has to go off and get a job to support the family that she still keep in touch that you come home on a lot of you know a lot of times to visit with you but it still was doing financially everything she could do to give you a good life then the kids can usually see the intentions behind that they still would miss the mom but it's like I got it you know this is what we have to do for a while and I can kind of make some sense out of that so it really depends on the full story of the person who I'm saying it's not one set answer for
everyone that's why the work is very individualized so for those of you that are listening to this podcast understand that Rihanna is a licensed mental health counselor and helps people with trauma recovery and so often certified clinical trauma professional certified global life coach at work with people around the world and certified mindset coach I haven't done therapy since 2017 Global because of global you have to do coaching you can to mental health work so you don't need the license you have been a lot of certifications and I still do keep my lmhc up but I don't see therapy people it's division because for me coaching is very educational there is so much to teach
150 page workbook for my client to come see me all based on Research this is all about defining the traumas how it showing up in your life as an adult healing from childhood showing them as an adult and that's part one and part two if they're single is the information they need to know about how to date successfully and I know the do's and don'ts while dating so they make more empowered choices with emotionally healthy people that's the most important part on the cell what is like 50-50 but it's coaching cuz it's very educational model and they may be feeling intimidated like they have never ever approached their childhood trauma what would you say to them Rihanna need to approach it
I mean obviously the sooner you heal at the good news is you will use his mindset for Success skills the rest of your life you would never go back to all the suffering and stealing stock the negativity the fear-based mind set that you had before you started with me so yeah we're going right now and when we come back we'll continue and talk about the Cycles are bad habits that people may fall into one dating that I've experienced childhood trauma if you have a pulse you have stress if you have stress you should get a therapist therapist go online type in therapist near me can you find a list of letters l m HCL PC MCC how can you navigate and understand all this
go to dr. Kelly boucher.com dr. Kelly specializes in supporting people who suffer from stress and anxiety and more you can have help today. Kelly boucher.com
welcome back to the bringing intimacy back show where intimacy is real We are continuing to talk with Rihanna about childhood trauma
so we have to stop by the way for those of you that are listening and you want to call in and ask Brianna question call one 888-627-6008
what is unconscious trauma
most people do not know what their traumas are that makes it unconscious it's the behavioral patterns out of been normalized so until you're aware of them and how they're showing up in your life you can't change them so they're unconscious or subconscious one of the other but you're just not aware of the new just have normalized everything just because that's what kids and adults do
that's what it is if you start repeating patterns of behavior that isn't really helping you be successful in your relationships then it's likely you have unconscious, right on that pattern or you're mostly triggered the husband comes home from a work day and after work at the job his boss as you know you really screwed up I don't know if I'm going to fire you or what I'll think about it you but you've really messed up and this is a man whose father said you're no good you're always messing up so now he's a mostly trigger so he comes home upset and is angry and Moody towards the wife who takes it personal
writing and she sang in her mind now what did I do that he's coming home all upset so this cycle for couples happen all the time and they don't realize he didn't realize he was a mostly Trigger he doesn't realize he doesn't know the tools to calm himself down before he walks in that door and he doesn't know how to speak about them to his wife so his wife's understands it's not about her
do everyone's having these ongoing arguments and dissatisfaction in relationships when really they're being emotionally triggered from their past and they don't know how to communicate through that nobody ever taught us that that's what I teach my couples to do this can also play out likely within siblings we just had families and their four of us sisters were all there and we are on fight or flight I'm not kidding you wear eye black low black we all love one another it's not for lack of love but we're exhausted at the end of it actually triggered you're all not tuning into each other's emotional needs your trigger triggers are still there you know and they've got to be heal
what is some of the healing things that you do cuz I know you have a variety of different programs you know relationships rescue yeah the couple that you teach well first of all remember I have a 150 page workbook so they still out there Pages they give it to me the night before I see where their issues are and then I told you the next day around those exact issues are most important thing that I do let me ask the question that hundred and fifty workbook is part of the book if so that's the magic it's light and now its trademark and one-of-a-kind based on my research so that's the most important part because I described it like a rainbow you are at that point I don't know what I don't know
I got some chop away at the books and the notes you start learning and I said because you have this I want you to do that because this is showing up for you I want you to do that so that's why it's all very individualized now in session one and I do vitamin therapy I do teach some Divine spiritual meditation which is a type of meditation my people do I teach him a lot of mental constructs in mindset work should I call Yang capping reparenting correcting I mean I just have a little nicknames for everything that I teach I said I start with that amazingly within about eight to ten days or feeling incredibly better
already in the body and the brain and then they have the energy to move forward to do the deeper work
that's interesting about the vitamin therapy sexual I don't think mapping my people find tapping extremely stressful like I hate this like this so they don't relate to that at all my people have high anxiety I do everything to calm them down and have them thinking a different way so it's it's a different type of program
are you able to do this virtually now in Delray and went online globally just to do total coaching in this method 2017 who is experienced childhood trauma usually if that partner has it so does the other one right as people trauma track people of trauma but for example I had a gentleman Bob who signed up and the woman did not want to and she wants to stay with couples therapy and he's our couples therapy is not working I'm ready to walk out the door I'm doing something different when you do it with me Shootin one so I said it's okay you do it and one of two things will happen you'll be able to change your relationship by what you're learning and teaching her when she's open and ready
hear it or you're going to be so empowered and so happy you're going to be able ready to leave as a very happy single man
in this apply to work environment but long story short on him he did wanted to save the marriage and he says they're happier than they've ever been I saw her for one session out of 20
oh yes change to change so much his business and was doubled in the year we work together because when you're happy about who you are they are not all stressed out and taking things personally are overly critical on yourself you just it's just so freeing to just you know do your purpose work he wanted to do a spec house he was afraid it was spell he did that with me now it's a misspell you know so everything that you wanted to do and his marriage is very happy so I mean it really is beautiful to see these people's lives transformed what was your next question was going to ask dr. April if she has any questions from listeners yes they do here yes I only said she's asking yes she went through all of that list of childhood traumas her husband
tidy up them she's wondering because with addiction he has sex addiction I'm also alcohol addiction and a lot of abuse where do you start where do you work on first I see you what do you do okay the first step on my website we're going to mill.com is right on the header is a promotion going on meet with me for one hour for $47 super cheap it's normally $497 and I do five assessments so for one hour or I do five assessments deep Garden where the trauma originated from and how it showing up in your life if you see since you are a couple I have to do partner as a partner Bay and then I meet with the both of you to go over what I'm saying in the relationship and in each other individually so that's how my couples would do it single same thing to sign up for Discovery session
cuz that I can't give advice or answers until I really know what traumas originated in your life now if you're saying your husband has several addiction there's definitely probably signs of addiction came from his family of origin and he picked up on those as well so that shows a very difficult childhood and I'm sure if you've been in this for a while and all these addictions are going on you are extremely struggling right now and if there's children involved with this you are perpetuating a childhood trauma Generations it's there's yelling and screaming around toxic dysfunction was going down to the Next Generation already so one partner has to be insistent on change so like Bob insisted I am changing you and have to be insisting on changing and then the relationship can change this if nothing changes
nothing changes right so you'll have to step up and do something so you could say I'm going to do this whether you do it or not is up to you but I don't like where this relationship is right now I've got to be honest I got to be strong and you got understand a little bit more about childhood trauma so I can help you with that I have a a question from a little America in Nebraska wants to know how could my could my childhood trauma make me susceptible to having friends even friends treat me poorly
hi Erika yes again the need for friends or a partner still stronger than your ability to speak up for yourself and say you know it's really sad that you're treating me so mean you know do realize you're bullying me and give an example or to what we call that is finding your voice and doing empowerment around your feelings and speaking your knees so what happens while you aren't able to do that most kids grow up in that household if you speak your mind you might have got whacked was slapped across the face or more punished so you learn the safer thing to do is I'll just shut down and say nothing and this is what a lot of men have learned to do because the father made off and hit a guy but not always a daughter so many men learn passive aggressive like I'm not saying anything and then they don't have that Comfort they have really
stress inside their part in their gut when they're trying to speak up and speak about their feelings this is Trump that's on healed you know so you feel it come up so yeah holding onto anyone partner could even be a toxic family member and you have friends love partner then that is because you have not found your voice yet you're empowered voice yet but we would teach you how to do that even thought about you know you know boys stuff for feeling sometimes you know I'll be a real man and all the sun would be beaten in by the dad in The
daughter wouldn't but I'm shocked right now
like I said you suck it off don't you know your man those messages were constant you know you're not allowed to talk about your feelings just get over it the men do not talk about their feelings unless they've been taught this is what we called wet was modeled to you as right and wrong and then it was that way the whole time that's just normal ice it's just the way it is have a good example in my therapy practice I had a couple of one lady was from Philly where I'm from and her husband is from the Midwest and she was in town of a lot of Italian friends from South Philly and they talk with their hands are you here in the husband's there she's yelling at me all the time and I'm in constant stress don't believe in ghosts at you
and I said you don't hear it to you and that's a prime example of normalization because that is just everyday life for her but she grew up in a very calm farm community and lay back so he just couldn't stand that anymore and so I had to get her change her Norms right so it's not intentional kind of anger all the time it's just what's normalized but it's not working for the relationship
that makes ultrasound natural disasters in culture she's wondering how can she not be helped her kids not have promised during this time period of Kobe and going back to school I got to tell you. It's a mess I have five grandchildren with one on the way and my heart goes out to what is happening in today's world I mean honestly my opinion and Everyone's entitled to their own would make sure that child understands the importance of wearing a mask
but everybody has a right to choose but we wanted to do safety for you because we love you Mommy goes out I'll have my mask on when Daddy goes out he'll have his mask in school at your job you know I was called that was their job to my girls you know you'll wear your masks to and then we protect each other because we love each other so you're always trying to teach a loving message the best you can I see all the school board's fighting with each other this is not good for the kids to see the news I would make sure they're not hearing all this beer base messages about all the death and dying going on and it's very alarming you know everything that they're saying that kids could hear so just wait to hear the news later at night but just not when the children are in the area you know it's it's a weird and scary world so whatever you can do to reassure her that you love
and that we want to keep everyone safe okay so basically bringing them messages through love and not to fear yes correct thank you so much it's been wonderful having you on yes thank you for having me I hope I answered a lot of the Watchers questions if there's anything else until you can contact me through my website Rihanna mill.com the best place to go and why you were there I have four free love test of the childhood trauma checklist is there and so is test for singles and couples also get free book chapter downloads of live and love beyond your dreams and my podcast is lessons in life in love with Coach Rihanna and I have a hundred and eight shows and all my YouTube channel like 250 videos and audio there's a there that'll be helpful and then the free ebook of course it's on my homepage
the top it says free ebook make sure you get that so if you are departed relationship and you heard this and they did not super important that you share that ebook with them so they can start putting the pieces together oh yeah well I'm going to be honest with you yeah I did have a lot of problems growing up it's amazing how many people don't know that about their partner before they married if you're dating it's r i a n a m i l n e. Come yes there was also that $47 on Discovery session the life of a special session yes and if your couple you got to each do one we can get to the basis of each partner's issues and then singles just one of course today and I'm so grateful for you Elliott Connie need a quickie solution-focused therapy
August 26th April deals You Inside Your Heaven September 2nd Christian daily sorry I'm not quite sure but it's super you creating a purple stone and remember don't forget to follow us on social media the bringing intimacy back Community request you to join our Facebook group page follow us on Instagram Tip Top Tik Tok Twitter you get the idea we're so glad you're here at bringing intimacy back where intimacy is real