The Power of Synergy, March 31, 2022
The Power of Synergy with Gabrielle Cardona
Title: The World’s Cyber Brake
What would happen to people physiologically if their technology disappeared?
*Their terror (of “not knowing”) would consume and paralyze them.
A Cyber BREAK: romper; separate
A Cyber Break: interrupt
A Cyber Brake: to slow down.
Topic 2: (The Slow Down definition)
How is technology really affecting society--intellectually? It’s “smart” machinery.
*They’re turning stupid; spelling and grammar (auto-correct is turning people lazy as well as unintelligent)
*The abundance of information is rarely accurate
*Opinion is becoming fact
*Slow down! Everything is on fast-forward (Impatience is toxic)
Topic 3: (The Separate definition)
Emotionally: 3 feelings
Topic 4: (The interrupt definition)
Socially: relationships are not accountable anymore
*Isolation creates insecurity and awkwardness
*Suspicion and no personal trust
*Communication skills (Theocratic ministry school; words are only 10% of interaction)
*Anonymity is unhealthy because it eliminates accountability
Topic 5: (Let’s create success again)
Get recentered: my coaching program
Creating Focus with Milestones & Rewards
Avoiding Loneliness with a Support System
Positive Thinking Through Affirmations
Maintaining Focus with Daily Checklists
Activities that give you a “shot in the arm”
Creating Focus with Milestones and Rewards
Milestone Definition: A stone set up beside a road to mark the distance to a specific place. This can consist of an object or an event marking a significant place or change.
Personal milestones are important in the process of personal growth because, depending on the distance to someone’s ultimate goal, confirmation along the way to the finish line is vital. Milestones need to be close enough to each other to sustain a “second-wind” momentum, but far enough away to push someone just outside of their comfort zone.
There can be up to four milestones between where you are now and the place you would describe as success. If success is too far away for four milestones to help you maintain your personal momentum, the process may need to be broken down into smaller steps. Some people call them “baby steps”, but that can feel degrading to certain personality types. When described as milestones, a genuine feeling of personal accomplishment is created. That positive feeling becomes a powerful positive reinforcement.
The trick between close enough to sustain momentum and far enough away to push you out of your comfort zone is understanding that there are some things that the human body is just naturally inclined towards. Something being challenging doesn’t have to mean it’s overwhelming.
How to set up constructive milestones:
A basic example of a healthy goal would be to lose fifty pounds. Four milestones to reach that goal would be one milestone every twelve to thirteen pounds. A milestone every twelve pounds would be a nice focus and constructive standard.
Since many medical experts recommend that a person should not lose more than three pounds per week if they want to remain healthy, that means that a twelve-pound loss should not happen any sooner than one month. So, that means that losing fifty pounds may very realistically be 4-5 months away.
One month may be “too far away” for certain personality types (particularly SPs) to have as a landmark that they’re aiming for; to keep them motivated and focused. And it’s definitely too long to wait for a reward along the way before reaching their ultimate goal.
Breaking their goal down into 4 smaller milestones—like three pounds per week—would afford them more opportunities for positive reinforcement with the feeling of personal fulfillment. In addition to the natural happiness that occurs with success, sometimes a healthy (predetermined) secondary reward is especially helpful. Celebration is very good for self-esteem.
The most important thing to keep in mind is that a reward needs to provide the pleasure and satisfaction of a positive experience without cancelling out the work done or undermining the progress made.
Examples of healthy and constructive rewards:
1. Going out to a movie or having coffee with friends (not too expensive or time-consuming)
2. Going to bed early (without interrupting any important responsibilities or obligations)
3. One drink of alcohol
4. Buying your favorite organic fruits or vegetables that you might otherwise feel guilty spending a lot of money on
5. Watching an enjoyable television show, uninterrupted by work and the people in your life
6. Purchasing an article of clothing relevant to your goal
7. Reading a book (not extremely time-consuming, but very relaxing)
8. A massage
9. A bath
10. Sporting events (without additional activities that sometimes follow)
Project: Write down two specific, personal goals. Calculate what would be good landmarks on the road to reaching those goals. Choose three healthy rewards that you are comfortable giving yourself that you can choose just one from each time you reach a landmark.
Avoiding Loneliness with a Personal Support System
Accepting that everyone has a distinct personality and natural, individual strengths, makes people better able to see all the wonderful things that the different people in their lives have and love to offer to others.
Some people are great at offering emotional support, able to help others work through painful feelings that can be overwhelming. Those are iNtuitive Feelers. Others are willing and able to get physical things done, things that people might not have the time or resources to do themselves. Those are Sensory Perceivers. Then there are people who can come up with solutions to problems when a mental block has happened, coming up with a brilliant game plan or an ingenious idea. They are iNtuitive Thinkers. And still others love to give moral encouragement and positive reinforcement support needed to stay focused and keep going. They are Sensory Judgers.
For this activity, start with four lists of five people that you know and personally interact with at least once/week. Get to know the people in your life and learn their dispositions. Let them use their greatest skills, talents, gifts, and strengths to help you succeed. They would love nothing more than for you to appreciate the amazing things that they have an abundance of.
When they watch you succeed because of something priceless that they’ve provided to you, you are making their life better. You’re doing as much for them as they’re doing for you. Their positive energy and healthy behaviors will be making you better in the process because what they’re giving you is exactly what you need, at exactly the right time.
Ask yourself honestly: If you knew you had an abundance of personal resources that you had constant access to, would you use it? Not everyone would. Not everyone is comfortable providing this kind of help. You may first need to just get comfortable with the idea of reaching out for help.
Each of these lists need to consist of at least five people because not everyone has a lifestyle that makes them available all the time. And not everyone is always in an immediate situation that gives them the freedom to help, even if they sincerely want to.
So, for each person on each different list, come up with a name, phone number, and email address. The lists need to be accessible and understandable to anyone. If you were in the hospital, inaccessible, and a co-worker wanted to help you, they would need to be able to find and use your lists to immediately get your support system together for you.
It is also an opportunity to build and strengthen relationships with people in your life right now. People you might never have taken the time to look at in this way. Or the time to personally tell people that you see in this way. Your compliments and gratitude will be greatly appreciated; don’t ever underestimate your power to change someone’s life by allowing them the opportunity to make yours better.
Before you speak to someone about being on your list(s)—one person can be on more than one list—ask yourself the questions included here. Be sure you can answer all of them in detail. When you go to the person, you will need to be prepared to have a conversation with them. It’s very important to make sure they are comfortable having this place in your life.
And keep in mind, if you are an introvert, these lists may very well consist of people you hardly know and rarely have interaction with. That’s okay. You don’t have to be best friends with your female neighbor to have her on a list of someone who would let you have some salt if your husband needed you to make dinner for his co-workers that he just called to tell you are coming over in an hour.
Questions that will help you determine what list(s) the people in your daily life could be on include:
How do you know this individual?
How long have you known them?
How much interaction do you currently have with them?
How are they currently supportive to you?
Do they know you feel this way?
How would they define your relationship?
What is the contact information (phone, email, and address)?
Complete the answers for each person, keeping in mind that SPs are great at providing physical support. NFs give priceless emotional support. NTs love to offer mental support. And SJs are priceless moral support.
If you need to just start out by making a list of fifty people you know at all, that’s fine. Think about each of those people as you ask yourself the questions to determine whether they would be someone to put on a list as a good personal resource. You might be pleasantly surprised at what you see on the page!
Project: Identify what kind of support the people in your life naturally can—and like to—provide, based on their disposition.
Positive Thinking Through Affirmations
Affirm Definition: To state as a fact; assert strongly and publicly.
When you affirm something, whether it’s a thought, a feeling, or a belief, you’re restating it as a fact. You are saying that something is an absolute truth, out loud (publicly can even be in front of yourself), and with force and confidence. A lot of professionals in the mental health industry use this as a form of self-brainwashing because studies have shown that when people hear words coming out of their own mouth. Those words have a profound and lasting effect.
Others’ words are very influential. But a person’s own words have an even stronger result. Science has also shown that the human subconscious does not understand the concept of “no.” So when it hears information, it simply accepts it as a fact. Even when a person may be trying to say something positive, if they say it in the form of “this bad thing is not true,” the brain does not understand it in a literal way.
The human mind proactively puts everything that it’s been given to use; even an ‘untrue bad thing’ that you may have just mentioned. Your mind and body will use it in some pragmatic way. This could include just making it a single piece of a complete thought or idea that you will soon have the opportunity to use in a tangible way in your daily life. So it’s very important that you constantly provide an infinite amount of positive information to your mind.
Eventually, your subconscious will take over and force the information it’s been given back into your conscious. You will soon begin to wholeheartedly believe it, perhaps without even realizing it, because you will be acting on it as your subconscious gives you instructions to. The subconscious provides the conscious with information as it sees the need to. It returns the information that it has been given—that your life experiences have provided—in the most powerful way. That’s how things will always get done!
Affirmations are a very powerful tool that, when used correctly, can generate incredible results, relatively quickly, in every way and every arena of your life. It’s time to start using affirmations.
Rules for making affirmations effective:
1. Always phrase affirmation statements in the present indicative tense.
2. Keep them short and simple.
3. They should consist of highly complementary statements about wonderful things that you are and do.
4. Write a list of a minimum of ten affirmations. But they need to be proportionate: a 1:3 ratio.
5. In the 1:3 ratio, one statement needs to be a statement that you completely believe. Without a doubt, you know it’s true. One needs to be something that you suspect to be true but sometimes wonder about. The last one needs to be something that you don’t believe at all but would give anything to have true. Just knowing that brainwashing yourself by saying it out loud enough times would make it true is reason enough for you to put it on the list. What do you want to have/be/do more than anything? Write it down.
6. Shuffle the list of statements so they are randomly placed.
7. Have at least seven copies of the complete list, strategically placed throughout your general environment so they are a permanent fixture in your daily activities, seen repeatedly as you go through your regular routine. Even if they are discreetly concealed from the general public, you still know where they are.
8. Frequently say them out loud in a casual way, at random times, as you are doing daily activities.
9. Have a set schedule that you also routinely use to recite the affirmations. No matter what is going on in your life at that time of day; other things can wait. This is not negotiable.
10. Keep a copy of a list physically with you at all times so that in the event that you feel a need for immediate positive reinforcement to cancel negative thoughts it will be easily accessible.
11. Read the list out loud at least 5 times, daily. More, as needed.
12. Say the whole list out loud until you completely believe each and every statement. As many times as it takes for that to happen. That may be for up to 15 minutes, depending on how you’re feeling at the moment you start.
13. Have several “emergency” (and that may mean private, depending on your personality) places in your world (home, work, etc.) where you can go to recite them out loud, uninterrupted, if negative feelings begin to manifest within you.
14. Even if you are crying, continue to say the statements out loud, with conviction, through the tears.
15. If you are stuck on one statement—just can’t convince yourself that it’s true—keep going until you do. If you say it out loud, frequently enough, your mind and heart will stop resisting.
1. I am healthy.
2. I have peace.
3. I am strong.
4. I am blessed.
5. I am happy.
6. I have energy.
7. I have abundance.
8. I have love in my life.
9. I am successful.
10. I am confident.
Those are general statements, so be sure to modify them to your personal life, immediate situation, and individual needs. Examples:
1. For someone trying to lose weight: “My body is healthy”.
2. For someone with anger issues: “My heart is calm”.
3. For someone who struggles with peer pressure: “My confidence creates success”.
4. For someone who is afraid of loss: “I freely share everything I have”.
Stick to the 14 rules listed and continue to add and remove statements as you need. Self-growth is an ongoing, perpetual process. Remember to keep the ratio at 1:3.
Project: Write a list of 18 statements that you will say, to yourself, out loud, at least 5 times/day for 21 days.
Maintaining Focus with Daily Checklists
Generally speaking, lists are more enjoyable for Judgers than Perceivers. Judgers just like them more. But lists can be helpful for everyone. Lists provide a sense of focus to people when they’re going through change. Since it’s always challenging to make changes in life, a list can help you remind yourself of what you need to do daily.
Lists also provide positive reinforcement because each time an item is checked off, the feeling of accomplishment is a reward in and of itself. This is separate from the reward that the world will inevitably also give you for your successful completion of that particular task.
But people also do well with checklists for the additional reason that lists help remind them that some things are simply important to some people and the world that they live in, more than others. Whether you agree with those people or not, there are some things that just need to get done. Lists can be that extra visual reminder…provided you don’t lose the list at some point during the day. This can also be a tendency of Perceivers.
At the end of the day, a physical confirmation of the individual things that you have successfully done also keeps your larger goals in the front of your mind. When working towards a personal goal, writing down a list of things to do every day is very motivational and best if kept at a ratio of 1:4, consisting of the following 4 kinds of activities:
One constructive thing you already do, consistently, that doesn’t demand excessive thought or effort (that you are very proud of). This can be something seemingly small or insignificant. But if it’s something positive, healthy, or constructive that you do, make a visual reminder to yourself of the fact that you do, in fact, do it. And that it’s a good thing to do. Positive reinforcement is priceless when you’re working to reach a personal goal.
One thing that you do well but need to be reminded—at times—to do (that makes you feel good when you’ve done it). This is important because this particular thing is not necessarily difficult or challenging to you, so you will not have any initial resistance to doing it when you are reminding yourself to get it done. The only thing stopping you from doing it, for the most part, is just forgetting. Adding it to a tangible list will be the nice visual reminder that you need.
One thing you do sporadically because it is challenging and requires concerted effort (that builds your confidence when you’ve completed it). This is pivotal because you know you can do it, you just really don’t like—or want—to, most of the time. When you are successful, you are quite happy. When it’s something tough to do, you’re even happier when you’ve done it. The more you do anything, the less difficult doing it becomes.
One thing you currently don’t do at all but want to start doing regularly (that would make you incredibly happy). A totally new, completely different thing will inevitably meet up with initial resistance: your own, others’, and within your current physical environment. This is going to be something that you may continue to struggle with, even when you have successfully turn it into a habit. You might have to work to do it, just because of the nature of your personality or your environment, for your whole life. But it will be worth the work.
Checklists need to stay at the above listed ratio. For every single personal challenge you experience, you need to have three personal confirmations. Positive reinforcement is vital. It takes twenty-one days to form a habit. Doing something repeatedly and consistently for twenty-one days puts something onto a level of you feeling uncomfortable if you haven’t done it.
Project: Write a list of 8 things that you will do in a twenty-four-hour day, staying at the above ratio. Keep that list exactly the same for three weeks. At the end of three weeks, take an inventory of what things have become easier and write an entirely new list based on that. If you want, make it a list of 12.
Activities That Give You a “Shot-in-the-arm”
A shot-in-the-arm is something that people inject when they need energy and strength to keep going. It has an immediate effect because it goes directly into the blood stream. It’s very helpful to have when you’re struggling and need help to continue.
In the process of working to become a better person, you will inevitably have internal and external challenges that will drain you. They will demand your energy—your mental, physical, and emotional energy. Your personal struggles and issues can take a lot of work to manage. Your physical environment can be overwhelming if you live in less-than-ideal conditions. Various social situations can manifest other people’s personal issues that you might not personally be equipped to effectively handle.
Taking care of yourself in this healthy way will help take your focus completely away from anything or anyone negative that you’re currently feeling exhausted by. It will help you to get personally re-centered. Restoring your energy, focus, and stability in this way will help you become a healthier and more productive version of yourself, at which time you can go back to whatever you were doing before.
Rules for energizing:
1. Keep any objects that will be used in a place or circumstance where you can have immediate access to them.
2. Do not use any activity or object more than twice per day.
3. Do not spend more than ten minutes doing any activity, unless prescheduled.
4. Do not spend more than 50 percent of your hourly pay rate to purchase anything needed for the activity. (If you do spend more, it no longer qualifies as this level of activity)
5. Do not place any demand or pressure on any other people without their prior knowledge and consent; they must feel prepared if you ask for their participation.
6. Do not consume more than the equivalency of 10 percent of your total daily caloric intake.
7. They must be powerful and effective enough to improve your overall (emotional, mental, and physical) condition by at least 33% percent when you’re done.
8. Be predetermined, specific activities corresponding to specific circumstances, so little or no thought is necessary in the moment that you are selecting which one you need.
9. You must completely mentally separate and emotionally detach from anything negative in your environment so you will be fully engrossed in the positive activity you are doing.
10. You must immediately deal with the issue or problem that generated the initial need for a shot-in-the-arm within you when you are done.
Examples of energizing activities:
1. Listening to enjoyable music
2. Reading affirmations
3. Stream-of-consciousness or thinking out loud
4. A healthy snack, in a single serving
5. Affection: hugs, kisses, and touches from dearly loved ones
6. Sensory stimulation generating an emotional response, like smelling the hair or body of a loved one
7. Stretching the back, arms, and legs
8. Walking around the block
9. Prayer and/or meditation
10. Positive social interaction, like fun or encouraging statements on a website or in a text message
11. A game or activity on an electronic device (that has a specific time limit)
12. Looking at pictures that stimulate positive emotions (non-pornographic)
13. Writing in a journal or diary
Project: Write two lists. One list of 10 specific and common situations when you need energy and strength and one list of 10 things you can have and do that give you the energy and strength that you need in those different situations. Have the things needed ready and accessible.
Managing Negative Reaction Emotions
Humans are capable of experiencing very intense negative emotions. The severity of an emotional experience can be overwhelming if someone is not prepared to deal with the experience and address their emotions proactively. Three of the most common, critical, and perhaps misunderstood human emotions are anger, fear, and anxiety.
Anger: When humans feel anger, it is because their mind has discerned that something very wrong has already occurred, and it needs immediate attention. Something needs to be addressed, corrected, or eliminated. The hormones and other chemicals that accompany their thoughts give people the extra strength, endurance, and volition to do the work necessary to identify and fix their problems. Often it is the issue of a moral boundary being violated. It has reached a point that it can no longer rightly be ignored. If you do try to ignore the issue, your body will continue to create intense feelings, graphic thoughts, and biochemical reactions. It is a very motivational emotion.
Fear: When you experience fear, it is because your mind has discerned that something very bad, potentially threatening to you, is in the process of happening. You are now unsafe. While it creates a biochemical response similar to anger, it actually changes your mental perspective and justifies a “survival mode” type of activity. You genuinely believe that your existence is at risk, so thoughts and feelings are intense for the purpose of self-protection. This is a critical emotion because it gives more access to your subconscious and potentially more resourceful or creative options than you would otherwise consciously, proactively, consider.
Anxiety: When you experience anxiety, it is because your mind has discerned that something very bad or potentially threatening could eventually happen, and if you address the issue, you can avoid the possibility of that threat coming to fruition. This will prevent the potential damage that would occur if it did. It is very stimulating because people don’t always see the inherent value of taking action until a problem or disaster has already occurred. The human body and mind are prepared with extra energy and chemicals, which is very beneficial and helpful because if used effectively, you can be proactive and constructive in taking preventative measures. This makes maintaining peace internally as well as in your external environment more realistic.
All three of the described emotions are very healthy, important, and useful in helping you to create success and maintain happiness in life. Unfortunately, since all three of them generate such intense mental and physical responses in addition to the feeling itself, a person can easily become overwhelmed. The initial inclination may be to deny, avoid, or bury them. It is actually your reaction to your reaction that generates many of the avoidable problems that occur. Often, as a result, the primary trigger of the reactive emotion is not effectively addressed or resolved.
For example, your personality, combined with your personal life experience, may have taught you to be afraid of your anger. Or you may have observed that someone important in your life became angry when they were anxious. Or, as a survival mechanism, you may be anxious about your fear. But more often than not, people simply intensify their emotions when they do not address them, which exacerbates the original problem because it’s never effectively resolved.
To prevent that from happening, it is best to directly address the reaction emotion that you are having—at the time you’re having it. Work through the emotional response to the issue so you can resolve the real issue in a healthier way.
Project: During the day, in the process of experiencing any of the above emotions, pay attention to:
1. The direct cause of it—what immediately happened before it occurred
2. The environmental situation that facilitated it, and
3. Your reaction(s) to your reaction(s).
Then: List three of them at the end of the day and note, in detail, what you experienced and what you learned from that experience about life and yourself.
*The immediate and direct trigger
*The situation that caused the immediate trigger
*How you responded to the emotion, separate from what caused it
"Is relationship coaching right for me?"
Unlike conventional counseling, relationship coaching is about insightful education and listening more than talking.
Connection, communication, and accountability are the 3 elements to a successful relationship. All 3 are vital and perpetual. Relationships are about knowing yourself and understanding others so that what you share is healthy and beneficial--to you both.
Some questions to ask yourself:
Are you truly ready for healthy change?
Can you handle homework?
How honest are you with yourself?
How much support do you provide to others?
Are you qualified for a relationship?
Only YOU know the answers!
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