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Bringing Intimacy Back, 16/01/2020

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Bringing Intimacy Back
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with Dr April Brown and guests Tony & Alisa DiLorenzo

Bringing Intimacy Back with Dr. April Brown and guests Tony & Alisa DiLorenzo, authors of "ONE Extraordinary Marriage", https://oneextraordinarymarriage.com/

YouTube Video Link: https://youtu.be/Bi9f2I3fWQI

Bringing Intimacy Back

Show Host

As we look around in this world today, it seems we are becoming more disconnected from one another, even though we have the technology to connect to more and more people than ever before. Furthermore, the lack of intimacy (in its many forms) is one of the top three reasons why relationships struggle and many times end.

Thus the Bringing Intimacy Back talk show is a show dedicated to inspire, enlighten, and encourage intimate connections. This show provides an engaging atmosphere to discuss and demonstrate ways to enhance intimacy in one’s personal relationships with significant others, families, friends, Higher Power, and oneself. The show will discuss intimate connections in many different forms, such as sex, communication, emotional, physical, health, and spiritual. In fact, research has shown that as we increase our intimate connection with ourselves, our Higher Power, and others.  It will help decrease the conflicts, anxiety, and depression in our lives.

THE MISSION

Increasing intimacy for all has become Dr. April’s mission. The mission statement of the show is to provide an atmosphere to discuss and demonstrate ways to increase closeness in one’s personal relationships with significant others, families, friends, Higher Power, and oneself. Therefore, Dr. April started in February 2018 to host her own new Radio/TV Show Bringing Intimacy Back where she and other intimacy experts will provide resources and tips on increasing intimacy in all types of relationships. Audience members will be able to transform their relationships through relationship experts’ insights, useful and practical resources, role-playing, and audience participation. The show’s goal is to show its audience members that intimacy can be alive and real in the relationships we desired.

Show Transcript (automatic text 90% accurate)

feeling lost and alone looking for validation from your partner only to find the feeling of rejection and continued frustration other yet so far apart now your frustration is turned into disdain and resentment your insecurities have begun to affect every aspect of your life ironically you have now become the cold and detached one shielding yourself from the uncertainties of your relationships dr. April Brown has created bring intimacy back a series of discussions that are designed to help you reclaim what you have lost along the way dr. April will help you ReDiscover and reconnect to the intimate relationship your heart so desires go to www. Bringing intimacy back.com to say and let the healing begin
welcome to the bring intimacy back show where intimacy is real on this show we ain't to help you increase the internet connections between you your loved one your family friends business Community power your higher power we give you the secret power to create a life you love love the life you create so on today's top with talking about intimacy and was talking about today will join a very very special talk on it sexual intimacy and finding the time for it today that's what guys I have some experts not just regular people and the topic of course but they're also experts in doing this podcast thing in the shelves and stuff and they have a very successful podcast which is how one extraordinary marriage
the experts are Tony and Alisa dilorenzo welcome to the show guys thank you thank you for having us yes yes people may not know they are the co-host of the number one podcast for they just mention of one extraordinary marriage and they've been speaking for over 10 years they actually celebrating anniversary recently about their podcast and they talk about sex Love & meth meth challenges on listening to each other but the main thing is Meritus that's what their focus on our marriage is priority and how to create the extraordinary marriage so as we picked it rains cuz it's which is what I'm going to do and how they help couples and for you to know more about them so yeah so the first thing I was just want to know was Thomas how you guys met
oh my goodness 25 years ago now we met at the University of Colorado at Boulder I was a adjust turn 21 and it was a summer of 1994 so I was part of a fraternity and our fraternity house we rent it out to a program on campus and that summer Eliza was part of that program is that interesting science internship program as a Colorado Boulder the star before my senior year in college and you fell in love with an older guy know you're older
but that was the beginning. It was really just opposed to be a Summer Fling for the two of us that we found ourselves at the end of that summer when I was going back to DePaul University in Indiana where we knew that there was something more that we weren't really sure about how the whole long-distance thing was going to work because we were a priest cell phone free email I like this was. Edu and and yet we made it work and you know through a lot of heartache and whatnot we are 25 years later my gosh and then it turns into an extraordinary marriage in this all this other stuff how did all this other stuff and you guys creating a business how did this all like you know decide hey this is what we want to do helping other couples
yeah what never started out as they were starting something as a sense of a business started was because we had a massive transformation in our own
11 years and we're looking at divorce for the second time and it was at that moment where we have three options is either a you know we're going to just hang out until the kids turn 18 get divorce after they leave the house be working to just get divorced now let's just move on with our lives because we're not compatible this isn't working out or see we're going to get radical and at that point we decide to get radical and we did our first-ever sex challenge which was 60 days of sex and over the course of 60 days we had sex for 40 times and we fell in love with each other and it wasn't only because we were having sex is like we actually began to fall in love with one another like we were when we had met in 1994 we are having a conversation we are getting we're excited about being around each other and wanting to be with each other and so that was there and not start which then led to okay what do we do next
it came out that weird we're just working with some folks and blogging was big but Koch writing is hard when you don't know what the real you're going to write about life and so we did hire a Coach and he's the one who shared us shared podcasting with us
now if recorded over 550 shows in the last 10 years and so what started as you may be 5 or 10 has literally grown into a movement of couples that are excited about marriage all the way all around the world awesome yes so going back a little you said you were at this point where you were thinking about divorce and that happens for a lot of couples I see a lot of people contact me yeah and many of them think of the but let's just say he married to the kids means that's what makes you guys not like those other two selections that you were talking about you know just getting divorce or stay together till you know kids or whatever what makes you not decide to do those what was that like I'm going to go and do something radical what are kids were two and five
navigate to 16 years and I don't think either one of us wanted to be miserable for another 16 years and we also both come from in fact families so divorce even though we entertained it and it's directly to the point where you had the first time around we were looking up in the Yellow Pages I was looking and you know we are both just stubborn enough that we got to find a different way and so we were going to be miserable than we both had to make a choice that we were going to do something Tony is actually the one that came up with doing the idea and he think he was crazy I know and I'm going to go put on a facial mask so you don't think you're having any sex now either one of those things where the next day I was like wait a minute
sex with me in the overall scheme of things is that asking me to chop off a leg is not asking to give up the kids he just wants to be close to he just wants you crazy awful idea and so he came home from work and I said let's do this and so we made a decision that you know what we're going to do something different because we want a different outcome we don't want to be like everybody else we don't want to just throw up our hands and say you know what well we're just irreconcilable differences in the family you can create change
I do not and still in that process will you guys working or just another business Alicia was a stay-at-home mom at that point left after we were running around and it wasn't like oh my goodness we hanging out on the temperature in San Diego I mean we have responsibilities and I took that seriously my business was younger
I'm about 4 years old and then the Great Recession going through life and yet I realize Eliza and I didn't want to just throw in the towel without giving it everything we have doing doing the 60 days of sex challenge it just shifted us to a point where we are like you know what was it all perfect no even doing the 60 days of sex challenge was a challenge with in the challenge
and yet we came out of it we are we are more in love we realize that there was still that spark between us we had to go digging for the we had go find it with the feelings aren't going to just show up and have butterflies when I first met her 1994 I had to move those feelings of desire in in love were there in the show is about intimacy what does intimacy mean to you guys
your intimacy as a word that you do for us it's really all about connection and closeness so we don't just to find that in our marriage in terms of like the sexual intimacy would make a lot of couples hear that word intimacy and I like sex what are those conversations how are you being home and we talked about financial interest right like the whole money thing yes there is with the money what are you doing together a couple of don't stay in love if they are not doing life together 24/7 and what are those or I'm willing to do with the least I even if it's something that you know isn't on the top of my list and yet we want to do together
share that with one another and then we do talk about physical and sexual in our bodies were sexually intimate with our spouses and so what does that look like a really cool lipstick approach to creating closeness and connection and I have been involved with someone that's how are ya so of course intimacy is this yeah it's more than just sex on the 60 days of sex Challenge and then since then we've done
12 seven days of sex challenge has completed a 30-day sex challenge a lot of challenges over the years is the emotional intimacy being able to have open honest and transparent conversation with one another you know about what's happening sexually and other areas of Our Lives allows us to be closer together in and we've gone through this enough in our lives to know when we're not emotionally connected to sexual intimacy tends to be you no quickies like let's just have the sex role we want that connection and yet it's not truly what were Desiring
right exactly yes and I'm just throwing away by all the challenges you guys have done over the years and I'm glad as you mentioned the over the years has like you said has developed and the emotional part is really really important and and connecting and even talking about sex haven't got emotional connection correct so a lot of folks whenever you're most families don't talk about that acts like it's just like that and then we get married and we're supposed to be able to have these conversations and microphone how to normalize the so people can have breakthrough in that area of their marriage exactly you've definitely
challenge would love to hear more about how can you have 60 days of sex when you're busy and you got two kids and businesses and all that kind of stuff so we can take a short break with after that we're going to figure out how do they schedule sex and that's just like wow many people can schedule a variety of things self-scheduling Sachs yes do in this break here I want to talk to audiences about I'm A New Concept that we're doing here with doctor with myself and some other counselors here in Southwest Florida we have a new product called vacation counseling and if you are thinking about this summer coming up and you're struggling and you wanted a vacation but you also want to be able to work on your marriage and that kind of stuff think about going on vacation vacation counseling is one couple at a time coming down to Southwest Florida we will provide you with intense therapy
15 hours for weekend or 24 hours for a week and we will have the opportunity to do vacation to do the folds took off in that kind of vacation counseling is out there for you check it out it's something that we are doing this summer check it out on the website thank you so much
okay so now that we're back
I keep thinking you kept mentioning 60 days of sex and then I'm thinking you're working you got two kids and at some point you've also done these other challenges of 7 week in 30 days and then I'm assuming the kids up to get educated guess about the scheduling what do you guys think sex is important in marriage
oh my goodness I think it actually goes all the way back to most peoples wedding now you know it in the wedding vows we talked about to have and to hold our spouses you know from the very beginning we talked about the fact that they're going to be the Seussical intimacy and this is a relationship between husband and wife and it's a way to Foster clothes into the way to have connection like you do with no other person on the planet and it does as the emotional works the physical versus the physical work the emotional work and we need to know that we are somebody's one and only we need to know their body intimately we need to know because it is a place of Refuge
yeah I know perfectly I agree with that 100% so how do you schedule it I don't know how does a married couple
do what you say you do if we look at scheduling sex we came out we came out of the 60 days of sex Challenge and that was amazing
love that part of connecting emotionally and sexually and yet we knew that we're not going to be able to have sex everyday for the rest of our life be possible for us
because we felt like it was just take up so much time we wouldn't really be able to focus on other areas of our lives and yet we knew it was important and so we took a month off afterwards that what that was one thing we did do the month off to go okay we need to reassess what we just did and where we want to go so after that or during that month we begin to talk and think of ideas and one of the things that we realized what we did with the 68 is that we were scheduling when we we make sure it was honor calendar every day now we didn't say hey tomorrow is Friday and we're having sex at 10 a.m. and then Saturday's coming around and we're having sex at 5 p.m. and no no no we're going to make sure that we are going to make sure that we were going to have that on the counter at 12:01 a.m. or 11:59 p.m. you're going to have sex
and you anywhere in between until what we came up with was called what we call the intimacy lifestyle and Elise and I sat down after doing this and we said all right how many times a day how many times a week do we want to have sex
we're having it anywhere between five and seven times a week during the Six-Day II what do we see in our marriage to pick a number how many times do you want to have sex and we had some conversation and we we together came up with two days a week prior to the I want to just say we are having sex maybe once a month maybe once or twice and everything that's important we reschedule it exactly Haven counseling trip from Reno June 15th to June 20th
on the couch we need to schedule them as much as we would schedule a trip to Southwest Florida as much as we schedule an appointment with a counselor as much as taking my kids to the doctor it has to have the same level of
what happened after we picked you so then we picked you and that was something that we had to come every couple needs to do that they need to talk about in the first segment about you know the emotional intimacy and opening up about getting real with one another and being okay with a that this is what feels good or this is what does it end so at least I only said that we said okay 2 days a week that's what we're going to do but how we going to really set this up one of the big things for me as a husband who is always initiating prior to the 60 days of sex challenge I was pretty much 99% that I'm the one who initiated in the one who is either accept it or reject
and I went to listen I said if we're doing this I do not want to be the only one in this year
and so we had to come up with a plan and so we will be looked at the way those two days and going to work well again we don't put things on concrete like we looked at the weekend said all right well there are seven days in a week let slip is 2 Ways to Sunday Monday Tuesday or the days that Tony has the privilege to initiate Wednesday Thursday Friday or the days I have the privilege to initiate and Saturdays either day off for bonus day okay but because we know that it allows for a lot of creativity and so you still have you know like how can you be creative with lot of people think I might but yeah that's not what I was going to be one of my questions review schedule it that takes away the spontaneity that
not at all I think how you feeling that way I would
I would venture to ask any couple how often they're having spontaneous sex and the majority of them will look at you with deer in the Headlights by I can't remember it does it mean your sex is something that I think we all expected we dream of and it's a fantasy
so when you're trying to schedule it and you have the intimacy lifestyle
are Sunday Monday and Tuesday one of those 3 days I'm initiating that there is some romance going on there some foreplay going on there's there's no. There's conversation things start to build up in the spontaneity part of it is that on that in that moment when we get to have sex with one another in on the other side though with Eliza initiate on Wednesday Thursday or Friday
I am no longer the only one having to initiate I'm not the only one trying to set this whole thing up and then being turned down or accept it and it really really cheap
how we both approached our sexual intimacy and allowed us to be more spontaneous it females not a lot but the initiation part of my guys they've never initiated sex before ever so it's like I don't even know where to begin you know some of it is from their mothers talking to them back in the day or yes you know yeah because good girls don't do that yes exactly that was a real conversation that Tony and I had to have because I had very much bought into the idea that I should be pursued and that you'll that's the way it works and what I did all the female listeners and viewers is that you have to understand that your husband's also want to be pursued that same thing that we enjoy they really it feeds them as well still learning how you can initiate
together at resources for couples on ways to initiate because many is supposedly many women have never had that conversation with a wife and me put together a list we just let you know that we're going to come up with ideas you make it your own but one of the key things when it comes to initiating is that you have to have a conversation with your spouse that says if I do this I'm initiating because the challenge with a lot of women have is if they might actually be initiating but they're so subtle write their husbands don't know he doesn't respond she feels rejected by Design example
when we were newly-married I thought initiation especially from Eliza Sam point would be like she would always come out in like lingerie you know high heels like in swinging on a chandelier like really let's go that's the way I thought it was going to be and when we started learning more about what our initiation looks like I was floored when Eliza goes hate you don't you don't know this so let me share but when I'm like rubbing your forearm I'm initiating like to do with shuttle I would have never done I thought you just rubbing my forearm
thank you very much but for her that is how she initiates in so I have to honor that I got it. I wondered if we never would have been able to get to a point of being able like you know what I mean like kids the kids are asleep when the kids were younger kids are asleep she's rubbing my my forearm if I let's get naked let's go what if you use the words rejection
some couples believe that you don't reject that all some people say well you know I'm tired if not I got this and that how does that really work rights philosophy on for us we have made a decision after the 60 days of sex challenge we made a decision that our bedroom was really going to be a no rejection Zone okay and what that means is that weed because we got the intimacy lifestyle set up we know he's got these windows for both of us we are looking we are communicating for evaluating what's going on with calendars were getting a read for how the work day went we going to read for what the schedule is and I'm not going to initiate with Tony on a day where I know he's got back-to-back meetings for 12 hours and it's going to be exhausted because he'd want to thank you want to say yes but it also feel like he wants to say no so it actually because of intimacy
okay cuz we have to be so much more intentional about evaluating what's going on in the entire marriage right now and then so because I was always the one rejecting it when we realize that rejection now let's make sure we lay the line here though is emotional abuse physical abuse things of that nature like when we let's make sure we we do understand where we're at like we we do not set up with that and I would not tell anybody that you need to have sex be going through emotional or physical abuse milk get get get out so for us though it it really has helped us to grow
because when and if something like that comes up it's not a cold shoulder doctor April is not a headache and I'm going to get my back okay okay again becomes back that emotion. Open up and go what's going on this week just this week Sunday Monday Tuesday my days
we just had one thing after another one thing after another we're coming up to Tuesday it was 10:30 and I'm looking at the clock and I'm looking at least and I'm going I don't have it like I just I'm tired and if I didn't say anything to her she may have felt like I was rejecting her because I didn't bring anything up I just I said hey you know what honey
I really want to and yet right now I'm tired I know you're tired can can we just call this a push and tomorrow we're going to have some time so I'm going to make up my days on Wednesday and then we'll let you take your Thursday Friday and if you need Saturday is as that bonus day will do it do instead of rejecting and just why do I have a headache and I'm a flip over and have a communication we discussed it awesome awesome yes CD is it terminology that I'm not familiar with but I think it may be in the intimacy lifestyle you guys do
when you said push it forward
Concept in the intimacy lifestyle through one of those areas haven't been there as much our kids are older were tenant or or it were a lot more active there's a lot more things happening in so we're really working in that area and we had to do it to work for navigating it in learning it and we end up sharing it with the one family as we go through it okay so I'm curious what is this intimacy lifestyle
does Dancing with the lifestyle really is at its core is a game plan for couples to do schedule sex it's looking at having conversations on how often do we want to have sex and coming up with an agreeable number for both husband and wife it is you know looking at how are we going to know when someone's initiating and having those conversations it's you're dealing with what if I want to say now it's hot it's putting all of that into an agreement where you have all this conversation right you try it it's like anything new you actually have to do it a few times when I see what's working what's not working and we have that that I'm so you don't like the odd weeks of the month are his and even weeks are hers we've got couples that go every other day and just take turns initiating really become
now that because of the hectic week that they are in they are taking Saturday and Sunday as their days to schedule sex because they're both home kids are still around and all that but they don't have the pressure of also doing work maybe church activities volunteering Sports and all of that so one spouse take Saturday I'll stay Sunday or whatever days they have in in so it's really like Eliza said it's a plan for your sexual intimacy as a priority on your calendar so you're making it happen eating every week
okay awesome yes so I'm going to take a short little commercial break and when we come back we're going to hear more tips about scheduling sex since they've given us a few already but in this commercial break I would love for you to to tell us more about what you guys offer the community and how they can find you online and everything is Whiterun a marriage. Com you'll find everything that we have going on right there more importantly if you have any inkling to listen to us more which I hope you do go to your podcast app go to one of her name and show his subscriber falling wherever you're at we'd love to have you part of the one family and hear us each and every week we brought two episodes each and every week we love to share your insights that are going on in our lives and those with those that are happening with the one fam
yeah but you guys don't have books to be on this site we have all of our books is written five bucks over the last 10 years we have all of our resources like the intimacy lifestyle planner and we also I also do coaching plugged into a marriage movement that is changing the way that people do marriage around the world
how yeah it's what thank you so much for what you guys are providing and how you would like you said you're changing it yeah so I swear I'm wrapping up in the last codify segment and I know you've given some tips already on how to schedule sex when things that I know a lot of couples struggle with is kids
how do you schedule sex when you have little ones sometimes little ones in the back yeah and how do you schedule it on the other end when you have you know teenagers and they're going into driving you we started with band that whole Spectrum in the reality is I think it's actually easier when they're little and some respect parents get a lock for your bedroom door it is okay it is okay for your children to have to knock on the door and it gives you the Peace of Mind of knowing that no one is going to walk in and you can only get yourself some kind of sound machine for your bedroom is going to say yes I love what we we have one called The Sound sleep machine and it's just wonderful to just have that on gives you that noise at White Noise
the help you to just know that and your kids aren't you know the heads up against the door or something but you do most kids are going to do that anyways or going to come in there going to knock it's all good I like that you don't take it out of your bed in the shower so she when they're younger or older you know take it outside of your bedroom you know take those opportunities when you're away order away at school if it's like they're in school you know find those times when you can rendezvous together if it's a you're both have a lunch break at a certain time to run home together and see each other their kids are at school but it's so much it's so critical the parents of young children keep their sexual intimacy alive because long-term that will mean more than any clean pair of socks
Dish Anywhere anything because his ultimately want their parents together and making each other a priority when the kids were little is the number one thing that you can do to give your kids a legacy like when they're when they're teenagers don't think I would say don't forget it they know you're having sex details on those conversations to talk to you about that that's like they're being exposed you need to be there first line of defense their first line of instruction because we got two teenagers we know a lot of what they're being supposed to but but we've decided we've got to step into this place or educate their kids about sex. Have anything no it's okay to be grossed out but they're still going to be like okay you know my parents are having sex
exactly how to get lock the door cuz they will try and do as well and so is it going in and move on to you later what advice also there's some couples especially sometimes females feel like they're getting nothing out of stuff
that really I think goes to that maybe a couple that needs help because if she's not getting anything out of facts there could be other things that are going on there maybe pornography in the marriage there may have been infidelity in the past there may be emotional trauma sexual abuse there's a dynamic where she doesn't specifically that was never the design for sex only be for one partner and not exactly and so I would encourage and I would say though to exploring your own body both male and female knowing what feels good and the lights you in that moment I think for Elise and I would when we really started learning and really diving into the intimacy lifestyle this is a beauty beauty of the intimacy
twice a month so you're exploring each others body a lot more and with more opportune
more ability to learn what's working and what's not until Elise and I had to go through that journey of what feels good for you let you know you got to share that with one another so I think part of that is just a self exploration of understanding where does it feel good for your husband to touch you so that he can give you an orgasm cuz if you don't know what you're not going to be able to at least I thought you'd it's not too fast and slow on okay so there's a rhythm of learning and I think through that we both and I think you even said yourself you begin to enjoy sex much more when I think you until you bring up a good point there that if your spouse offers any type of of Correction within the don't take that as
they want to enjoy it and I want you to get it right so that's not a bad thing for everybody don't take it personally and in a place where you get more comfortable talking about sex do it outside of your bedroom I go to the beach. It's their words neutral and that you can just actually have a conversation that doesn't have to talk about sex in bed all the time and I had some people think they talk about sex and means the apartments going to want sex right then and there so if you like you said if you take it outside the bedroom and talk about it at dinner or whatever the case may be a blind spot it relieves stress of Life Oman now we have to have sex with her talk about some of the best conversations at least and I have had about sex or just driving down the coast
what we have are 19 questions to amazing sex we pull it out and we start answering them or I will what is this what is that how do you feel about this do you want to do that what about this
great conversation and we get to learn and we were actually getting excited and it's like okay well let's make sure we pick up some new boiled or let's make sure
romance okay like I didn't realize for myself even that I love smell the olfactory of just different sense really for me dry and just from talking to one another and being willing to try diffusers in different oils to me and decided that that time together and we didn't do that for many many years
but it came out of a just a conversation while we're driving because we had our 19 questions to amazing sex and I happen to just say something that we don't want Amazon have something delivered the next day we try it out and about the romance how important that is for each person romance is so important and it's how
it's How we win our stuff my first place right we spend all of this on the wedding, the mortgage comes the kids come and romance hit the brick wall you didn't ever was before the idea he or she still needs to know you're my person you're the one I said I do to you all over again but people find out how to romance their spouse now instead of just thinking well you know you like flowers when we were dating it does change as we get older we change and you mean in the sense of what we like sexually all of it everything changes absolutely
I'm 46 now and she's 45 there's a lot of life and there's a lot that's changed and if I was still the Tony of a 23 year old when I got married then I haven't grown exactly but I have been so what does that look like in that process of us just getting old and we're still walking out we're going to continue to walk it out we're going to continue to share and I think I should get older you need more romance young couples or couples you just got married and sneers whatever it's sometimes that adjustment that of it just can't be a quickie it in Romance and romance sometimes it's even someone else doing someone's chores or helping them with the dishes are getting the kids to bat I mean dinosaurs
right and that's where those conversations come in you know how can I romance me now right you romance to Tony when we first met and it's like I remember you know midnight dinner is at Taco Bell and if you're on the receiving end of that question answer it honestly so that you can set both of yourself and I remember when the kids were younger even to this day I remember Eliza saying something like you do you put the dishes away or like you get all the the dinner stuff taken care of like
I'm on it like it's game on yes cuz I don't have to think about it
my first thought is like why is Annalisa doing and then I'm like
I've added to this kid Nevada to this let me go get the kids let me get on it she doesn't need to take it on herself it's okay we get it done and we move on you know what I mean they just like that offer offer play great yes and we've been talking a lot about communicating and talking about sex and I think like you mention La really starts with your kids because of the doubts if you really haven't talked about sex in them that you're in a marriage and he like oh my gosh I don't I can talk about everything else I can't talk about that I think it's really important I'm just going to mention this is to educate our kids about Intimacy in a marriage and talking about it and having them comfortable a lot of people yes yes yes and so in a sense of intimacy what are what are the things that happens after you schedule sex and you start doing all these things
what is some of the benefits that you guys have seen over the years just making it
what you're interesting Lane after you ask that question cuz we just recently reported recorded a podcast we were talking about desire and one of the things that we had adopted and identified with your the high desire desire under those labels any sound more unity and so I got to give it to you and I and your sex is not an obligation for me anymore not like I spent many many years thinking I just got to do this so he's happy I got to do this to him leave me alone
absolutely and now it's like no I get the privilege of having sex with him and by the way I do enjoy an orgasm so it's a win for me to buy benefits for benefit is quality and quantity came quality so the benefit was we're having more which is satisfying and at the same time the quality of it went up
hey and Eric still time to this day where we do quickies and I mean we're done in 3 to 5 minutes and their times and it's long and it's a long love making but it's all okay because both of those work hand-in-hand quantity quality and we just continue to learn benefits for me is also not this like Eliza said I agree the time of War there is no tug-of-war anymore is on our calendar we honor one another we honor our agreement and it allows us to to continue to enjoy that part of our marriage
you said the word recently and you said it earlier on the word honor in our society and those that we honor we respect and those that we respect we honor and I think that goes both ways I think it goes both husband and wife
so I honor is just such a high regard that you have such a high regard for somebody and I do I have that for her and I and I believe it goes if it comes back as well and so I think we have a place of honor in our marriage has a lot of the struggles of all we don't do this for you don't do that would would hopefully diminish because we truly do see that we're in this together and we honor our commitment right we honor what we sat on our our wedding day and then I think when we stood up there is such a quick moment and so many of us forget about what we said in those words and so I tried to remind myself what was said 23 years ago to Eliza and On My Honor those vows that I did say you know so yeah it's it's just one that's been really percolating in in my spirit recently
I love hearing that word and accepting a lot of couples counseling and you're right the ten times their people who are very committed to a lot of things that committed to their work and to the kids all Dino show up everything but then the intimacy part of their life
it's not there
and that's that's where the struggle comes yes yes yes and so what you guys have been talking about is how you guys over the years have had this collaborative created collaborative environment situation where you both feel safe to just honor each other be respectful be able to be authentic is it perfect every time we're not we're not going to go there and so it's taken the time though to be willing to work with others when we've needed help and even just to talk to one another and just where we at least happen and it just because we have an argument and he had our arguments believe me just doesn't have the intimacy lifestyle going on doesn't mean we don't have our own argument that
hey this is what I see in
and yet we just go hey you know what we're going to keep we're going to keep pushing for or on the same team if there's a problem we may see him differently but at the end of day were on that team together we're going to hold hands together when shoulder-to-shoulder to get it
yes and so do you guys putting in all that time and effort your business was still successful right it's not even like I'm like God you know if I do all this and I'm going to lose all my customers cuz I can't do this.
more often than not missing this and countless couples in the one family that when when the marriage relationship is working well when this is going well you have you operated of a place of abundance cuz you're not worried about what's happening at home so you actually have more to give to your employer to your company or to your kids or two whatever because you're not worried about the most intimate relationship and so you're not going to lose your actually going to add to it and game because you're focusing on love and spiritually and psychologically that can make through any
found me to whatever it does make you much more like you said open much more aware how much more energy yes yes yes yes on the love you too have just done and I've just been fabulous and you've been so many books one of the books that I was looking at was the 13 keys to unlocking Intimacy in your marriage yeah can you tell us a little bit about that is that
that was actually the very very first book that we ever wrote together and it really came out of all the insides that song and I had when we were initial discovery of all of those different forms of intimacy it was looking at different areas that maybe couples Overlook what does your bedroom look like are you getting dressed up for date night and it was a book that we very intentionally wrote and I he said she said format so that every night after you get thoughts from Tony's Nots Melissa and what we've learned over the years that we talked often coupled will pick it up and the husband moving all of the part where it says Tony says and the wife will read all your own voice but it allows them to talk
703 Chinese Garden the wife Freda Lisa's Fried and in doing so in actually give them the ability to speak those things that maybe they couldn't bring up on their own because they're reading it and I feel Tony said give them permission to break through in any of those areas it's been it's been a lot of the wife can read what I'm saying the husband can read what you're saying to get a better understanding of what's going on in the male brain in the female energy or yes yes he was like oh okay
the Great Gig in the last one do you have a copy of do you have a picture of the last one in which the last book of your latest then we did some days of sex challenge asking about that One Kinect like you did when you first met 101 proven questions for couples because again. That emotional intimacy what we talked about like let's help you along there we wrote a book called The trust factor of had a really helping because trust is broken and Annalise and I both broke each other's trust and we had to rebuild that look like and the most recent book called the left
Ashley 2nd 07 days and then we cover it all with our resources because we know that marriage is not just one-dimensional even though we spend a lot of time talking about the only thing right wow well thank you guys so much for being on the show if other people out there listening out there he let us know again how we can contact you guys turn a marriage. Com if you'd like to join us on social media Instagram love to have you there at one extraordinary marriage Facebook you can look us up at 1 at one extraordinary marriage and then any podcasts out Jessica Renee married show you'll find us all the way up the tribe will get us in your ears twice a week
when are you married yourself and thank you so much for being on the show and this is going to bring an intimacy back show and I'll see you guys in a couple of weeks thanks everyone