feeling lost and alone looking for validation from your partner only to find the feeling of rejection and continued frustration your together yet so far apart now your frustration is turned into disdain and resentment your insecurities have begun to affect every aspect of your life ironically you have now become the cold and detached one shielding yourself from the uncertainties of your relationships dr. April Brown has created bringing intimacy bag a series of discussions that are designed to help you reclaim what you have lost along the way dr. April will help you ReDiscover and reconnect to the intimate relationship your heart so desires go to www. Bringing intimacy back.com today and let the healing begin
welcome to the bring intimacy back show intimacy is real on this show we ain't to help you increase the intimate connection with your significant other children Family Friends Business Network community and your higher power we give you the secret power to intimacy to create a life you love or love the life you create I would like what you guys to Today's Show on today's show we are talking about addiction and intimacy which is sometimes the other lover my name is Doctor kobrine and I would like to walk my gas Elizabeth Martin who is it specialize in addiction welcome Elizabeth you doing today I'm doing great and I appreciate the opportunity to talk about this subject because especially during this pandemic we've seen an increase in substance use
letters and another is added to that other pandemic so long of a diction so thank you for the opportunity to be here today yes yes yes I would love to tell you a little bit about Elizabeth Elizabeth has been in the field for a many years and she spent a lot of time with you and inpatient psychiatric also work with the fellow employee drug court Lee County she comes to spiritual face councillor she works with Samaritan she also works in my practice and her Aries have interests are addiction substance use disorder life skills transition anxiety depressive disorders and she really tries to help people find peace and meaning as she says as we're talking Austin today about today's pandemic in her spare time she loves to run workout you yoga eat and cook and she's a mother Angela
she's a mother of a rescue dog Isabella and I guess you just adopted a little kitty cat named Sammy back so I'm doing my part for clearing out the shelters of yes
it's been a challenge and I've been fortunate enough to be part of the panel that we had on previous sessions with on talking about how to deal with the pandemic it's been isolated for me and that's why I think thin the hardest struggle in to fill try and feel connected love socially distancing in that type of thing so I've relied on Zoom meeting especially with my family they all live out of state and you know trying to just still remain connected that way I just learned to cook a little bit more during all of this because quite frankly out of the soccer team and but I do feel that the biggest struggle and challenge was just trying to remain connected and also positive you know basically what can we learn from
how can I become better people and I think one of the best lessons I learned is just to be with each other and that we have no control over this and to you know live in the moment and to be grateful for each and every day that we have that we are healthy people these days have been struggling with that yes and I've seen in my practice A lot of people are struggling with this and they're going towards addictions which is kind of like to have you on the show to really talk about this yes yes how do you say before we even get to talk about the eviction how did she even started to act like this and when he's awake you can become a therapist in working with clients with substance that's a very interesting and kind of almost humorous question I have
bachelor's degree in advertising from Michigan State University in and had a successful almost 30 year career in healthcare sales and marketing and I really loved on that aspect of it on marketing hospitals and pharmaceuticals and Diagnostic Imaging I was laid off of my job in two thousand six or seven and wanted to go back to school to get my Master's Degree because my father was a teacher and he always encouraged education Ashley I started out to become a physician assistant I'm going to Hodges University to start my prerequisites to transfer to Nova
and the chemistry trip me up I had a hard time with it so I have to re-evaluate and at that point they were initiating and I think one or two years on the mental health counseling program accredited at Hodges and so I transferred into the program and the rest is history you know decided that sales and marketing was more about listening been talking and so nervous because that is what you do and enjoy that lot of experience
felony drug court really was where I found my passion for addiction and so I am working with salus care that really was I found that I really enjoyed not that I didn't before but that kind of just put everything together for me and that's basically how I kind of became interested in addiction, it's a family disease affects the family and it also affects relationships as well which is it can break up marriages navigate this disease of addiction I'm curious and she said it's what do you say to people
choose to drink and choose not to drink and choose how much to drink
studies indicate that when we do develop an addiction it does change the brain chemistry the interesting thing about addiction is that. I wanted to actually bring up one is that when people experience early childhood trauma 80% of those individuals typically develop some type of younger the person is starting their addiction the harder it is to stop because the brain at least until 23 years old or 23 24 and therefore the brain remembers the feel-good effect of the of the substance and that's why it makes it harder for you know individuals to stop their addiction the younger they start it does in the MRI studies they've looked at areas of the brain that light up during
you know certain substances especially cocaine and they can see that there is his areas of the feel-good center of the brain is what is stimulated and therefore that some people don't think that it's a disease I myself as a clinician feel that it is a disease like it's going to be cold and so I look at it as treatment for a deceased will have a lasting impact that it also changes said I'm in this himself genetics
okay if your family member was a dick that you know your grandfather and stuff is there a chance that you may I see what you're saying there is a propensity I believe for when there's a family history of addiction and mental illness or you know people to possibly develop an addiction also you know what's environmental vs yuno genetic the store if you know people we still can you know about that and still controversy about that as well I believe that there's a connection
if it's an infection infection infection so what is really an exemption at Sabino drinking one glass of wine every night what is an addiction addiction is behavior what's a substance that impacts the activities I think of daily living for you no Behavior that's dangerous to the person or two others so by that I mean
some people can you know regulate and have one glass of wine and they're fine other people it starts a chain of reaction that they just cannot stop the behavior you know there's a tendency to know if we're speaking about alcohol dependency on binge drinking if there's different types of addictions alcohol but it is the basic I think definition is not you know is that it causes behavior that could be dangerous to themselves or others on and when you cannot stop this type of behavior you know that's when we become dependent or addicted yes to my next question is another sometimes people say that I don't drink everyday
you know like you talk about the bench drinking yet that I only get wasted in on weekends or whatever so that's still in the kitchen because it's not everyday
well again it is the you know if it if it's causing a loss of control over some things then yes that could be considered an addiction other signs of addiction and the you know social or occupational problems loss of control over the substance use persons in binge drinking whiskey use and also the physical effects even though those are the physical effects of what would be a sign of addiction also withdrawals if you using substance in you happy so I think those are the signs to watch out for to determine if you do have an addiction or not everything that you do
right okay and the title. She'll today you have a title as the other lover addiction and intimacy what exactly does that mean when we talk about relationships
I chose that specific title because a very wise doctor talk to me about the fact that addiction can be the other lover and I believe that was dr. brown and the thing is that if the addicted person puts their addiction before the person the significant other that becomes the other lover a husband is working hard and stopped at the bar every night on the way home in the olden days when we could do that and before coming home to see his wife
that becomes is priority that becomes the other that becomes the lover of the substance whether it's stopping to have the alcohol or you know snorting some lines of coke while you're working and then coming home to wipe whatever it is but it's that actual making that decision to substance over your partner and that's what I call that has the other lover yes and I've actually seen it in practice many times where a person who is addicted you know they get so involved with their substance that they push away their lover are they push away their partner you know they don't talk to them or they get in a big argument and yeah yeah so they completely shut down so it definitely I can see you know how it is another lover yeah definitely going to take a short break
we're going to talk more about intimacy and addiction and what to look out for and different signs and how to help a person who is addicted or even as a partner how to help yourself if you're in that situation
the bringing intimacy back show is in search up some special couples for our September 2020 lineup we are seeking couples were willing to be open and honest about two particular topics one of the show's is stories from couples who have survived having different political views over the years the second shell is stories from couples who have survived infidelity and how they are doing now if you would like to be a guest on the show we would love to have you please email us at bring intimacy back at dr. April Brown. Com
like walking back to The Bernie Mac Show where intimacy is real today's topic is addiction and intimacy the other level with guest Elizabeth Martin who is a mental health counselor who focuses on addiction so one of the things we were just talking about is how addiction can be coming other lover I can impact intimacy
Yeah Yeahs how have you dealt with if your iPad has many people listening and they're saying maybe they're in a relationship and they have a partner who is struggling
struggling with addiction with so what how to be supportive how to you know how to work together as a couple and bring the subject up the first thing is recognizing when you think possibly your partner may have an addiction sometimes it's really hard to tell I have work with couples that had no idea that their partner had an addiction like two or three years or whatever so I think the first thing is to recognize if you suspect your cup your partner has an addiction or you see that they're drinking too much or something like that it's a very difficult conversation to look out for
well for instance with alcohol you can look out for slurred speech you know you know red eyes going in on them you know those type of symptoms for instance you know opiate use on a lot of times people will just fall asleep sitting in a chair if they're very high on opiates that type of thing cocaine is the opposite hyped up the hyperverbal speech walking around that type of thing meth and feta means probably forgot the same way so I think you know doing a physical assessment of your partner you know with alcohol a lot of times people hide their alcohol you may find some alcohol bottles you know under the sink
you know in a drawer of the dresser or something like that so Aladdin from the seat is associated with addiction so you know
okay so when you first have this is going to be a very difficult conversation to have with a burger talking to make it defensive about it
yes and that is typically something that does happen obviously the other things to be aware of this how to effectively communicate you know what your what your desire is using I statements you know concentrating on what the actual situation is not the person I'm concerned about your how much you thinking I'm concerned that you know that you know there's a shelter going out to buy the substance and that type of thing I yes then probably more than likely there will be it will be met with resistance the first thing the other thing I wanted to talk about in the five stages of change with addiction and that kind of troubles with this conversation you know when you're talking to someone about addiction
there are five stages at the the person the attic will be I'm going through and so no matter if they're if the first one is precontemplation stage and that's to talk about the that's when the person really is in denial is when they're in the precontemplation so when you start to have this conversation that's probably what's going to happen during precontemplation they probably know and they're hard that they may have you no substance use disorder but they're still pretty contemplative stage number one number two is the contemplation stage where they're a little ambivalent about their chain so if you happen to start this conversation with an addict or someone that has an addiction they're going to be in either one of those stages when you going to see any type of change in that behavior is if they're in the in the third stage which is
preparation stage you know this is they decided to change their behavior so maybe the first time you had this conversation with somebody your significant other they're like no no but implanting receipt you are helping them to move into the next stage of them. When you go and you poke your partner should you do it by yourself or do it like the interventions that we see on TV with big groups of people and family about that question I think probably the best answer with me
with your partner I would I would suggest first the first conversation be one-on-one you know that probably you know is it is the place to start 10 interventions be successful yes they can but first I would suggest approaching the partner yourself one on one talking about your concerns you know offering support how we can get help and that type of thing I know that you know if there have been situations where family members you know after they've had one person talking or whatever
again the person needs to be in stage 3 the preparation stage and make any type of Angel as a partner can do to get that partner to the preparation stage
there any
well
again if you as the supportive partner possibly talking about you know the effects that it has on the family cuz this is a relationship so being able to you know Charlie it back into how it's affecting the relationship between husband and wife and then also the family again with people in addiction they have to be in that stage of change to even start to make the the change with the behavior you know then we also can talk about you know once people you know go to detox or you know start to get you no help with her addiction how does you know how to stay clean and sober you know relapse prevention techniques that you can do as a support system for your significant other but
I got big balls so special but you know how many times a person may have tried to stop eviction yeah is a relapse what is the relapse and how common is it
with relapsing relapse is when a person who after they've made all their changes they return to their previous problem Behavior boarding up the coke so that's what a relapse is you know people can be in recovery for many years and have a relapse if they get triggered by something like that you know sometimes sometimes depending on if somebody was in recovery for you know 10 years and they went out and have one drink and start oh no I have to get back into my recovery we may consider that elapsed not be quite so I like to be very specific with my clients when you know if they want out of me started drinking
a 12-pack everyday for the next month that's a relapse listen to that and I'm listening and I know we have people out there who have Partners who make me struggling if you're hearing this and you feel like you're addicted how can I put it how can you
take your partner hey this is what it is without feeling judge
I think that depending on the type of relationship you have you know if this is the tenth time you've come to your partner said hey you know I want to stop using or drinking that might you might get a different response if you're talking about the first time that you know your partner comes to you and says listen I have you know why I have an addiction and I would like to have some help I think that you know being supportive means that you are you know their addiction and how you can help them up there are many things that you can do again first of all in the action stage of change is really going to be important cuz that means they're motivated to make that change
you know you can say to them all you want all you need to do this if you're not ready to make that change how do you know how do you know when they start to think about how they want to make the change and perhaps you know going to detox you know getting in contact with support groups you know Celebrate Recovery 12 steps you know talking about getting together a plan actually to help them you know which would be any type of support like group support. Fruits are great you know but they're not for everybody in so having a plan is really important for creating an atmosphere of trust and intimacy to organization to feel comfortable for the addiction
person to feel comfortable opening up that conversation with her significant other I think having a plan is you know the next thing you know how holding that person responsible if they want to make that change princess having them a ton of you can't even support group for people someone that they are held responsible for them when they are you know feel like they're being triggered to use their substance they all this person or text so that's really cheap to maybe have them go to to detox you know typically with alcohol it's very important that you have seizures and die from
can opiates are the two substances that you need to be very careful when you are weaning off of them are that are stopping them because they can be fatal if you don't detox correctly so I would be I would be wanting to make sure that if you have a significant other that or a loved one that's coming to you with either one of those addictions depending on you know how much they're using be very careful and how you have them in all the better or stop using it you know the support groups have a plan you know we have relapse prevention plans that we talked about you can talk with them about what triggers them to use their substance that's really really important to figure out what it is is it in the relationship that's for the rainbow
things like that going on right now to really talk about what is that sugar so that we can make it work to fill trailer they're not going to pick up that cocktail or North Beltline and he said it's about to say has to be really good when start figuring out the plan and what kind of treatment options as a couple if your partner is one year to go figure out where you should go now and you're trying to do all this stuff figured out what the counselor is with the AA meetings are
is that person
strange tabling them or are you supporting them I think that's the question
being supportive again I comedian how many times you try to you know to stop your addiction being supportive of the first time around probably you know helping with the counseling situation you know talking about the 28 day treatment working together on coming up with this plan is probably really important than supportive of that and you know how many couples are successful when you know they work together like that now I have work with couples that you know this is like the 20th time somebody has relapsed are you going to be so
helping them find all these things maybe not but so I think that's that's kind of a an interesting question because it depends on you know where they're at in Bear you know how their substance use disorder how many times I may have tried to stop before lots of variables come into play with that question but being supportive is you know helping them you know helping them get to that next days of between preparation in the action enabling would be they come out of rehab and you say hey let's go have a cocktail.
you know if they you know in there if they're in the 28 day treatment and they say after 7 days I don't want to be here I can't stand it here you got to get me out of here that could be enabling if you say okay I'll see what I can if I can get you off so if you if you're doing a type of behavior that isn't helping them stay in recovery that's probably more enabling them than supporting them
who struggle with even kind of knowing what to do in those situations such as a partner Samsung substance abuse mental health service addiction hotline is a is a great resource website or you can call them and they have this one 800-662-4357
and they have all types of lexan we support even you know counselors in the area that work with addiction you know how facilities to get treatment all types of you no resources available that I would that would be the place that I would answer to a lot of different song You Know questions that you might have as far as how to help somebody with an addiction stop it
has it gone down or up or what's been going on the one thing I did want to mention when I want you to do some research about this and that money country themed alcohol and tobacco as essential Commodities so that in and of itself is very interesting to me that you know everything else is being closed down but we can do tobacco and alcohol are essential alcohol outside of the bar you could just pop by and against the alcohol
that says a lot we are you know a country that you know alcohol is probably the number one substance substance misuse people that have addiction for already marginalized that way you know how we going to continue to stay in that we were already facing challenges to stay in recovery that's what our day drinking instead of coming home from work at 7 at night work work popping that warned that glass of wine maybe 4 in the afternoon
I do feel that they're trying to end that you know more people may be developing some type of substance use disorder because of pandemic people that are lots of relapse has clients you know contact me that the relapsing because of the stress because of being isolated many challenges that are triggers for them and so they're there have been numerous increases in the relaxation relapse as well
is there an alpha or you know he's here a lot in the news about opiates
yes and for a lot of fun to be like wow this is a scary stuff and when you're living with it he has not decreased during this pandemic covid-19 but there are again being careful about how you detox off of opiates is very very important because again if it's not done correctly there is a potential for fetal on the second thing is you know you know we're still kind of battling that round and also but no it's showing up in other substances such as cocaine
infiltrating into other substances as well as getting a sponsor again there are resources available in Fort Myers Lee County Fair you know lots of different support groups you can go online and do that type of thing on the other thing I wanted to mention about the opiate this medically assisted treatment and you know we have we talked about this about Subutex but also there's an attraction which is a tablet as a support for people that want to recover off of opiates for 7 days before you can start these prescription but it has been clinically proven it helps with the craving
if the client doesn't have the Cravings to use the substance that you know it helps with that is also used for alcohol addiction so clinically proven and study for both alcohol and for opiates with medically assisted treatment are you substituting one substance or the other so a lot of these support groups like AA you're going to have differing opinions on whether or not that's truly a patient's in recovery after using medically assisted treatment soldiers to be aware that still controversial but it is effective for clients I had a successful client Europe Samaritan almost a year sober being on South boxing now
another topic that they seems to always being intubated is if you're addicted to something if you're in recovery you cannot have a relationship okay they don't want to enter recovery cuz they don't want to leave their marriage today into recovery and just say you know
yes and again bet if you're already in a marriage yes of course you hurt your you know you have that relationship you know and hopefully that person is being supportive and helping you with that a lot of marriages and relationships you know when people are in early recovery if they were not involved in a relationship before they went into recovery
especially with alcoholics anonymous anonymous it's highly suggested that you do not enter into a new relationship within 12 months because of the fact that you are you making lots of changes and really careful about that establish relationship
typically they would offer our what is it possible if you need a great person in rehab and you are okay we call those Rehab Room answers typically they don't tend to have a happy ending however you know I can't you know again it's highly suggested that if you're in early recovery do not enter into a new relationship you know you're already going to be having you know challenges and struggles and things like that for yourself and all the changes that you're making
entering you know when a new relationship with someone else who's also in recovery really recovery it's it's really probably not like I said I'm going to have a happy ending or a good outcome I mean but typically it's not advised themselves and get them so they can have a healthy relationship
probably pretty difficult and make it an outbreak I'm Elizabeth will tell us a little bit about yourself and what she's going to offer them we come back Elizabeth is going to share with us in those relationships where you guys are already married and is committed relationship what is some tips to help improve intimacy if you're struggling with addiction Elizabeth
tell us what you have to offer
LIRR have a private practice and I you know I do offer being part of the sponsor type rule when my clients in my private practice are being triggered or feel that they you know are are going to relapse I encourage them to call me to reach out to myself or their sponsor so I do offer a kind of account to yours type scenario with my private practice and being able to help the client navigate you know the resources that are available the stages of change you know I'm coming up with a pretty solid relapse prevention plan on helping them recognize printer stopping them recognize the stressors and how to you know put that all together to keep them in in recovering and
I'm so boring at Samaritan off we offer the medically assisted treatment care I work closely with our practitioners to help clients when they want to become clean and sober she will have access to the medically assisted treatment providers that will work with the client also to to be able to I'm connected in the recovery Community with the sober living houses with other people that are really active in the recovery world to I can't help the client become you know substance-free and and stay in recovery and whatever we can do with myself and others that and Lily
I have to be in that stage of change wanted to make those changes
so Elizabeth how can people get in contact with you they can reach me at my private practice which is Advanced Counseling of Fort Myers that telephone number is 239-671-7619 I do have a Facebook page with Mike Advanced Counseling so that's on Facebook as well as Samaritan Health and Wellness we are located on Cape Coral Parkway Cape Coral and that number is 239-257-3094 I can do individual therapy counseling with the Cape Coral therapist on officer in the cave and also I have a support group here at Samaritan on Tuesday evening
journey and it's a group of dedicated people I have that so I'm going back into this last part which is about to depart at the show
as a specialist in as a therapist how can you provide us a can you provide some tips for the one who struggling with addiction how to help in the sense of intimacy connection with your partner and then second for the parking and then I pick up as a whole
the person that struggling with addiction really important to be honest with your partner and to let them know when you're struggling because that is what's going to help you be successful and staying in your you know in your recovery you know reaching out to your partner I did provide the phone number for you know Samsung because they have the resources there are many detox facilities here there are 28 day programs that you know when you if you want the help in you reach out you are going to be able to be connected with appropriate resources it's about you know how asking for that help and that's okay when we ask for help that the sign of strength you know I'm hopefully you'll be in
the relationship into a relationship with someone that has an addiction again like we talked about earlier working with you know Finding counselors and you know I'm facilities and things like that offering that type of support it can get a little tricky if they've been down this road you do multiple times Bachelor difficulty starts them up here you know how do you be supportive but not enabling that's the fine walk that's kind of hard to walk but it can be done you know helping you know helping them stay in recovery
do you know if they don't want to be around people that are you know drinking don't invite people over to have cocktails I mean but you are also as the partner may have to make some changes being supportive so they have to make a few changes in the beginning of the partner and you know if your partner is making those decisions that stopping at the bar that's a red flag and let your relationship cuz you know that is that seems to be their priority Partners resources available in Lee County a lot of support groups
reaching out and looking to see what the options are and what the resources are such a big part of illness and so we have to we are really has a lot of resources out there or whether or not you have mental illness and you deserve to feel better that you're not be judged and have the stigma that seems to be attached to a lot of these things that I think that's what my people don't be felt so as a black one who has an addiction and your selfie addicted person remember that there are people here to help
tips as a couple as a hoe
again it's yes you know being supportive for each other you know they spoke knowing that people are you know doing the best that they can you know being going to meetings together if that's what it takes you know there are celebrating our different types of bridges sleep based and faith-based there's the 12-step program and a plan that works for both of you to help show support and to help you know if the addicted individual know that they are going to be able to walk through this recovery with their partner
it may take time from people. People relapse they don't always make the change the first time around so maybe making sure that as the partner and as the couple that you know that you may be going through this process more than once or twice but being patient and and know that you know that people are hurting and that they you know me you know there's a lot of Shame and guilt associated with addiction and I think maybe that's the other part of why people may be their partner when they're not working like this for now but when one individual starts to get better
learn how to communicate intimacy when one person starts to get better so that's the other thing as couples I think those are basically said you know as a partner you cannot enable and they're going to be going to send some out there who done everything and affecting the kids and it's affecting themselves they're debating whether they should just throw in the towel
yeah I know that's a lie
yes and
again is all depends on you know the Dynamics of your relationship how many times you know your partner may have tried to get clean and sober how old the children are there are many many this is such a hard question to you know even a hard situation to talk about that you know a lot of variables you know depending on that you know it's a family counseling thank you Elizabeth so much for being on the show it was more like listening and they want to connect with you the phone number is +42-396-717-6190
yes yes and you can find her on social media on Facebook to Advanced Counseling Fort Myers LLC and she's also on the Cape Coral therapist website if you want to check out the counseling service and she's also their thank you guys so much for listening to the show if you would like to see more about singing intimacy back check it out website is bringing its missing back and you can follow us on YouTube Facebook I can Spotify for Pascal's thank you thank you very much