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Reclaiming Authenticity, September 3, 2021

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Reclaiming Authenticity
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The Alchemy of Love that speaks to all, Going beyond the 5 languages of love

Reclaiming Authenticity with Dr James Houck

The Alchemy of Love that speaks to all, Going beyond the 5 languages of love

Reclaiming Authenticity

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Reclaiming Authenticity: The courage to reclaim that which has always been in you.

No matter who we are, where we were born, and into what family we were placed, ours is a world full of relationships. Indeed, we are social beings who spend our lives making sense of our world by trying to find our place in the world. As social beings, it is often within the context of relationships that we experience tremendous pain and suffering. From overt acts of betrayal and cruelty that someone may have inflicted against us or vice versa, to simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time, many people bear the scars of physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual wounds. And yet ironically, just as we experience our woundedness in relationships, it is also within the context of healthy relationships that we find our healing and authenticity. The difficulty, then, is often finding the courage to discover that which has always been in you.

For over 25 years, Dr. James Houck has been helping people discover their authentic selves by integrating spirituality into their mental and emotional health. As people are able to integrate these disciplines, they often discover core issues that have been keeping them wounded in relationships.

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dr. James house<br>well well well good afternoon everybody wherever you are in the world at this time welcome to reclaiming authenticity helping you find your courage to reclaim that which has always been in you from the very beginning I am dr. James halcon if you like more information about me or if you want to leave me your comments about Today Show invite you to visit the website it's www. DDS reclaiming authenticity that's why one word right there so so Ray claiming authenticity and I also will just want to remind you that these broadcasts are Now podcast in case you want to go back and listen again or you can go back into the archives and listen to previous shows so again you can just do that through the website or you if you happen to be or where I should say have a subscription to audible or Amazon music you can also download<br>the podcast cuz they are available at both of those venues so you know welcome to the month of September here we are and unbelievable that we got here but coming into my favorite time of the year by Fall now I know we still have a couple more weeks of Summer to get through but if you know these next two weeks are going to be any indication of I'll just June July August it's going to fly by and before you know it we will be smack dab in the beginning of autumn so I just wanted to say you know just from the get-go that this again thank you for all your support over the past year and I just also learn to say that you also have an opportunity to also continue your support in other ways by becoming a monthly subscriber now a subscription is not required to listen to Mike talk shows it doesn't Grant you<br>you know secret access to anything but it is greatly appreciate it so just invite you to go to the website and click on the link and then choose any amount that you feel comfortable giving him your support and again I'm very appreciative of that so happy to be here with you today each and every Friday 3 p.m. Eastern Standard Time noon Pacific Standard Time and sell each and every weekdays broadcast or dedicated to the integration of spirituality and our mental health and so I always invite people to if they want to call in to be part of the show let me give you that number it is 888-627-6008 that's 888-627-6008 and I'll be taking your calls after the break and for any of you who are tuned again for the very first time I just want to say welcome to the show<br>and just pretty much just would like to share with everybody from the beginning that it doesn't really matter who we are or where we were born or you been to what family we were placed ours is a world full of relationships can indeed we are social beings who often spend our lives trying to make sense of our world or you know by trying to find our place in the world and as those social beings it's it's often within the context of our relationships that we can experience tremendous suffering pain disappointment frustration confusion and so forth you know from overt acts of betrayal and cruelty but somebody has inflicted on us or vice versa to Simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time many people often bear the scars of physical psychological<br>emotional and even spiritual wounded this and yet ironically just as we experience our woundedness in relationships it's also within the context of healthier relationships that we can find our healing our voice our authenticity and the difficulty than is often finding the courage to discover that which has always been in us and by that I mean let us now discover our gifts are Graces our skills are in our uniqueness that we already come into the world with its what philosopher and Scottish Francisco and John duns scotus coined the phrase a chair toss or it's that's it is a this is a unique this about us<br>because I am a firm believer that we all come into this world with everything we need for ourselves and others you know but through our various experiences we are tempted to give away those very best parts of ourselves if not the whole part of ourselves of that uniqueness or that this sickness and maybe you know but like you're fine as I counsel people they they do so because perhaps it didn't feel as though they didn't live up to another person's expectation of them or perhaps the say we we would hide our uniqueness from others in order to survive and abuse or perhaps those aspects of ourselves that have been taken away from us and we did not have the strength to have to fight that or feel like we could reclaim it<br>but either way when we become aware that these things had taken place it does take tremendous courage to reclaim who we are but we can reclaim our voice our uniqueness are this mess. Franklin Delano Roosevelt was famous for saying that the courage is not the absence of fear but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear and this is what reclaiming authenticity is all about and it really focuses on the integration of spirituality and our mental health and it is within the context of relationships where this occurs so thank you for tuning in today and<br>I am just thrilled to be sharing with you and this particular topic and just realize that you know as we go about and hopefully through listening through you know these podcast and so forth that you know we we realize that we can we find a way I should say we find a way to find peace within ourselves to find that the healing that we are longing for you know on a physical level emotional psychological and even spiritual level and it just transform those wounds of pain and suffering into wounds of healing Grace peace and love and relationships that we we find that we don't have to look too far to find our our healing know because the other relationships just might be within our own families could be with a co-workers or a colleague<br>and friends because whenever we transform we also transform others by our presence Grace and understanding and is her something that when I was a teaching something I always stressed with my students who were training to become licensed therapist and I would say you know it is a tremendous thing to be able to just set with another in their pain and in their suffering in their misery and not to spoil that space with a bunch of words but just to sit there and hold that space for them<br>and allow the healing to begin its and it's that being that Exquisite witness of you know this is something we talked about a shared Humanity this is something that you know everybody has in common we have that capacity to be wounded we have the capacity to wound but we also have the capacity to love and to be that source of healing and Grace in another person's life but first and foremost you know kindness and compassion begins with how we treat ourselves okay because whenever were compassionate with others we then can be more compassionate with ourselves and whenever we are more forgiving with ourselves we can certainly be more forgiving with others and when were able to find that place where we can live in gratitude with ourselves we then discover how this opens our hearts to see<br>and live in gratitude with others and Transformations first and foremost begins with us<br> well as I said a while ago welcome to September and just welcome to Today Show it is the Alchemy of love that speaks to all going beyond the five languages of love and if I thought about this topic and I'll share with you where you know the five languages of love actually come from a half-hour and how far back that goes but I just want to say a little something about the month of September in general because I don't know if you've been able to recently turn the calendar over like hey there September but September is also Suicide Prevention month and an organization that I am a part of and I'm proud to be part of an been part of her many years is given our given our it's it's an organization that provides emotional and psychological resources along with so so much much more<br> to active-duty and retired military personnel reservist Guardsman Guardsmen and their family and during the month of September They are promoting a campaign called connect to Hope connect to Hope and it has just list of this multiple ways to learn and get involved and you can go on their website it's ww.w. Give an hour I'll one word give an hour. Org and you'll see all the information that you need with Kinecta hope and you'll find resources for assessing Mental Health Care a toolkit for sharing your own connect to Hope story and openings to join in the network and each one every one of us can play a role in becoming more knowledgeable about the signs of distress and prevention efforts so again that website is<br&gt; W. Give an hour. Org well with September being Suicide Prevention month if there is one aspect that survivors of loved ones who have completed a suicide the one aspect that they struggle with the most it's that it's hard to wrap their head and heart around the fact that the person never fully new fully understood but I was never able to fully grasp that they were loved and supported by so many people and perhaps the that the person themselves never felt worthy of Love or even how they struggled with their own psychological emotional physical and even spiritual woundedness that their families and loved one never quite understood you know the depth of those wounds or perhaps they were at a loss as to what else they could<br> done to help pay but still one of the most common relationship issues in couples and individuals that they experience today is their ongoing struggle to express love and very intentional and meaningful ways to one another and or individual that I have counseled everyone wants to be in a relationship where they can show their spouses or Partners our loved ones that they care about them and many people also want to be in relationships where they can also receive that love from others and then that's a stunning natural like I said we are social beings we are we on your part of the human race we long for that emotional psychological physical even spiritual connection<br> but how many times do we often feel like we're speaking different languages to one another not in a literal sets like one person is speaking Portuguese the other person to speak in Chinese or nothing like that but you know how often do we struggle to kind of tune into the same emotional wavelength as our spouses and partners and loved ones you know I would say quite a bit and you know perhaps some of you were saying right now well everyday I express my love and affection to my spouse my partner and my loved ones and this is a very good thing<br> but yet how many of us spend the time to check in with a loved one a spouse or partner just to make sure that what we say or even how we say it even how we express it in other ways is in line with how say the other person would like to receive it<br> and I'm sure that at some point in our lives we all been there<br> well welcome to the five languages of love this is a book that was written by a Doctor Gary Chapman that believe was 1992 so a counselor and if you've never read it recommended you get it it's been in print now for a while and you can buy used copies or you can you know by the paperback version very very inexpensive but still very powerful and the five languages of love as he spells out in the book are these<br> there's words of affirmation you know hearing that you are loved or appreciated and you're also being told why you are loved and appreciated and then there is physical touch you not receiving a hugger or holding hands when you're out in public or just shall we say snuggling together on the couch while you're watching a good movie and then there's quality time doing activities together without our phones and really being present to one another really listening to One Another just enjoying one another and then there are gifts that the people's love language is you know just showing that thoughtfulness and putting some thought into those gifts however big or small<br> and finally there are acts of service you know such as like making the bed or cleaning the bathroom or even picking up the dry cleaning on your way home so that the other person won't have to now just I want to share a little caveat because we you know as I was talking about these and bring to go into the more details with these different Love Languages you know there are ones that really speak to us you know these aren't you know how like there's there's one out of the five that at least is our go-to that you know really connects with us but as we also go down the list of the five<br> there's also one that really stands out for another person okay and one of the things that's when couples start you know working on their Love Languages together I always have to tell them like okay let's pump the brakes here because it's really unrealistic to think that all we need to do to improve our relationships is for you know you and your spouse or partner loved one can just relate to one another using the same love language and other words let's say you know it would be great if both of you you your love language was all about the physical touch<br> or maybe was all about receiving gifts or maybe it was just you know spending time or the others okay that would be great however that is not the case because you know like I said chances are that's not going to happen Okay because we are diverse individuals I mean if our personalities are different and certainly our love language is going to be different and yeah we all know that old saying we're Opposites Attract well this is the case here it just seems like we have diversity and it doesn't mean that one is better than the other over against another or one is more special than another it's just finding love language of of ourselves and understanding that and that's going to be our strength but yet also discovering the love language that very special person in your life<br> I said a spouse or partner or even a deer loved one okay and realize that okay this could be a stretch for us in terms of speaking their love language for example let's say that we you know really struggle with just showing thoughtfulness of your putting the thought in in in the gifts or just gift giving in general like you. That really connects with the other person won what do we need to do you know is there a ways in which we can we can do this even through our personalities and so forth okay but<br> getting back to you know when it be great if we all had the same love language well in one sense that's unrealistic because it's not going to happen it in another sense that would be boring okay because like I said with you know the Opposites attracting you know it's just not everybody is an introvert or not everybody is an extrovert okay and it is just how couples Marvel at the fact that the other drawn to one another they're in love with each other but yet they get frustrated because once an introvert and the other is an extrovert not to take those differences personally but just realize that that's part of diversity and it's part of the uniqueness and not only the person but also what they bring to the marriage or they bring to that the couple's relationship<br> so before you know discovering Each Other's Love language you know I got must be honest here we probably had numerous misunderstandings that I just left us totally frustrated but instead of you know discovering what love language speaks to yourself and the other person yes let's do that answer prayers a process to this as well but then celebrate these differences<br> I mean realize in what way the other person's love language is a stretch for you and and which one takes very little effort on your part so let's take a look at these in a little bit more detail in okay and see which ones that you really connect with or if you are in a relationship with another person's spouse or partner so forth see which ones that you think connects with them okay so there's words of affirmation all right and in simple terms words of affirmation you know that that kind of love language is all about expressing affection through the words that we speak you know whenever we give that affirmation or we give that appreciation or a little bit of Praise or encouragement or something like that and when this is somebody's<br> primary love language you know they enjoy kind words they enjoy encouragement they also enjoy your little cute little quotes and love notes and cute text messages I have seen many a couple and I've even done the sometimes where is just you know you just write out a cute little note and put it on like a post it now you just leave it with your loved one's going to see it and or I've also been around colleagues who would you know Brown Bag their lunch so to speak and then you know they would pull out a sandwich with a little Post-It note on it and saying thinking of you today miss you or something like that cute that you see that shared between the Apple<br> and sure enough that brought a smile to the person's face now I don't know if they had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or if they had a hoagie or whatever it didn't matter because that little note made their day and in other ways you can you do make a person's Day by complimenting them or putting out what they did well I mean how many times do we get caught up on well I got to get to point out what they're not doing right or correcting them okay you know that's you know so hopefully things can be corrected but when you compliment somebody or just pointing out something simple like hey when you did that I really appreciated it that helped me out so much and I just I just want to let you know that you know I'm just grateful that you did that<br> right I mean it doesn't take any any extra effort on our part but just acknowledging you know through those words of affirmation or complimenting a person or even pointing out what they did with queso that's words of affirmation all right let me come to quality time and you know this love and affection that you know these things are expressed through this kind of love language when another person give someone else their undivided attention and I tell you this is an issue that has been coming up more and more and more between couples because you know what both<br> parents are both the husband and wife are both Partners working outside the home you know just because they got to do what they got to do and they enjoy doing the work is like they come home and there's other things to do you know such as meal preparation or you do homework with the kids or whatever I get that and their quality time is very very limited before they have to go to bed and get up and do it all over again okay so yeah but it's it's you know when a person is so exhausted at the end of the day you know or frustrations are settling in and then before you know it the couple is spending that quality time arguing or fighting and so let's say they have 3 4 5 hours of quality time and you know at the end of their day whenever the end of the day is for them but they spin<br> 3 hours or two hours arguing and that argument does not get resolved well that just kind of like Cuts their quality time in half and then some<br> but if we make it a priority to you know let's see what we have to discuss what happened today or whatever it's like okay give that an hour and then let's say after dinner or even later in the evening for going to turn off the cell phones were going to turn off our tablets were going to make eye contact and we're going to listen to one another and actively listen and the people with this kind of love language that really speaks to them when they're looking for a quality over quantity<br> okay so whenever you know you got together the person feels loved if you are present and focused on them<br> get out and then making eye contact is you know what key and you don't we also need to affirm what the other person is saying you know and especially resist the urge to offer advice or do you like well so what do you want me to do how can I fix this like no I don't want you to do anything just listen let's just talk it through okay and again active listening it is a skill that we can certainly a choir you know in a firm with the other person is saying instead of like a hahaha really cheap wow okay that's interesting know you're kidding me you know I was like little Pat responses where<br> you know it is we're not making eye contact or fiddling with our phones or something we're not really paying attention all right so again that is quality time the third love language is the physical touch and the person with this love language they feel love the most through physical affection and aside from sex okay those who have physical touch as their primary love language feel loved when their spouse or their partner shows affection in some way like holding their hand out in public or even holding a hand over dinner or when you go to bed just holding their hand or touching their arm or okay listen up people giving them a massage at the end of the day<br> and they don't have to ask for it I don't have to beg like can I get a back massage you know it's just something that you just didn't say there little tents or something or a foot massage or something it's the physical touch that matters the most and you know a little bit further that you know a person with this kind of love language and their idea let's say of a perfect date night might include just sitting on the couch you know cuddling with maybe with a glass of wine and a good movie but they simply just want to be close to their Partners physically let's come to acts of service that when someone's primary love language is in the you know where our ships are the acts of service they feel loved and appreciated when people do nice things for them not in a manipulative G it would be nice if you could do this for me someday but<br> you know just out of the blue you know the simple things that somebody does for them you know whether it's helping with the dishes or putting gas in their car you know those little acts of service go straight to the person's heart and they love when people do little things for them and often can be found doing little things for others<br> I was working with a couple and this is probably you know the most cutest thing that I had heard them say to each other we were on the subject of Love Languages and you know her love language was this acts of service like a little things I can do for you and what what she had done was that whenever she would walk by and she would find her husband's cell phone and she'd look at the at the battery and if it was getting down there or something she would always plug it in and she would always make sure it was plugged in the night before you know it just very quietly just doing this and but she had no idea how this spoke to her husband and he shared that he said I just think it's really cute when I come out in my phone's plugged in because I know that you plug the dead cuz you know there's nobody else in the house except the two of them and you know she was<br> touch because like I didn't think you ever noticed or appreciated that many of those of course I do I was kind of like an aha moment for the couple was really brought them closer together<br> so the the last one the last of these five love languages is the one who really connects with giving and receiving and so to the person whose love language is in receiving gifts gift-giving is symbolic you know of love and affection in their heart and in their mind you know that they treasured not only the gift but also the time than effort that the gift-giver put into it now it's not that they expect a large gift or an expensive gift it's more of what's behind the gift that really connects to them that really just speaks volumes<br> well as I said the the five languages of love was and is a popular book that was published in 1992 and it's pretty straightforward to get just lays out the different characteristics in which we express and and how we receive love and it is helped thousands and thousands of couples improve their communication intimacy and how they understand themselves yet are there moments when we can transcend these Love Languages and tap into even higher dimensions of love<br> absolutely so after the break we're going to be taking a closer look at how we can transcend our current understanding and connect to the higher dimensions of how love connects us to ourselves and to one another again if you would like to call in that number is 888-627-6008 and 888-627-6008 and I'll be taking your calls after the break again you are listening to reclaiming authenticity and I'm your host dr. James hauke I'll be back with you in 1 minute<br> okay welcome back I'm dr. James how can you were listening to reclaiming authenticity again just I want to say a quick word about next week show and as I mentioned earlier in this broadcast I said since September is suicide prevention month sometime and talk about the mental and spiritual needs that families long to have met as they struggle with coming to terms with a loved one who has suicide ideation there may have been suicide attempts in the past but their loved one is struggling with the whole idea of whether or not to end their lives so I invite you to tune in to the show next Friday 3 p.m. Eastern Standard Time when I'll be talkin about listening to the bread crumbs suicides trail out of the dark woods<br> well as I mentioned earlier in the show I was talking about September being Suicide Prevention month and the launch of giving hours connect to Hope campaign with just multiple ways to learn and to get involved and again I just wanted to say that I'm also connected with this organization in providing just free Mental Health Services in counseling to active duty Personnel or retired Personnel reservists are Guardsmen and their families okay but I need to go on their website ww.w. Give an hour. Org you'll find resources for accessing mental health care in a toolkit for sharing your own your own connect to Hope story and openings to join you know the network and each one of us as I said before can play a role<br> and becoming more knowledgeable about the signs of distress and prevention efforts and they said it was the book that was written back in 1992 by a Doctor Gary Chapman and you know I've read this before and I know my own love language and I do my wife's and then so forth but you don't have to think like is there more to these five languages of love is there a way in which we can enhance them or we can transcend them I should say the tap into higher dimensions of love and of course I got my cancer absolutely okay because when we look at love and the five languages of love as energy that takes it into a hole.<br> friend realm okay because everything we think of everything we say everything we do is energy and unless we transform the energy through healing our own wounds it's going to come back to us exactly how it went out from us okay and and this is a phenomenon I run into time and time again counseling clients who want to heal from their past and improve their relationships that whatever a person is struggling with from other relationships more than likely they're struggling with the same issues in themselves because you know what negative energy is being sent out it echoes back sooner or later<br> and this is how I explain it to kids you know I have to say that we live in this big giant Echo and of course they get that because they love to hear Echoes I think it's cool and they can shout in a tunnel or cave or or even into an empty tin can and they hear their voice echoing back and their ears and again like I said I just connect that to with the energy that we send out whether it's mental energy or emotional energy or psychological energy physical energy you know spiritual energy and so forth It's like whatever we sent out is going to return to us and you know and this has nothing to do with one's religion per se it's it's just a fact this is just how the world has been made and you know all cultures know this about energy and all cultures know this about you know you know what do you call it<br> reaping what you've sown or if you want to call it karma or you want to give it another name it's it's true that there's something about our actions that how we send it out or how we will you display the whatever to another person that's going to come back to us sooner or later okay and and I'm sure you know that those of you who've been listening to this broadcast for sometime you know where I stand on self-inflicted wounds you know it it's it's something that I just keep seeing over and over again that we just happen to be our own worst enemies you know if that you know who we want to heal from our wounds but we never take into consideration you know how we treat other people. We want to be able to control our thoughts and have pure thoughts and so forth but we never take a look at just what we say and<br> I always say it to another person okay and this whole concept of we live in this giant Echo is is true time and time again it's just that energy of how something was sent out and and to whom and you know and then just a mental energy behind it and so forth will come back to us and it often Keeps Us wounded instead of setting us free and then we can be in healthier relationships okay so certainly everything we think about and we say and we do is energy and unless we transformed that energy through healing our own wounds going to come back to us exactly as it went out so for example a person who's filled with bitterness from a previous hurt in a relationship or a betrayal in a relationship they're going to feel everything and see everything perhaps<br> from this lens of bitterness or a person who has experienced tremendous hurt from a broken trust in a relationship you know unless this is healed and transformed more than likely they're going to view everything and everyone with suspicion<br> and this is very difficult for people to understand about the phenomena of emotional and psychological self-inflicted wounds you know what goes out has first come from within<br> all right did you hear that what goes out has first come from within so sometimes a person might say you know I will never forgive that person for<br> which typically means I'll never be able to forgive myself for that or I can never trust another person because I don't this typically means I have difficulty times trusting myself or I can't stand it when a person says this or they do this. Usually means I can't stand myself when I say or do things<br> and just one more example here I just can't love that person because<br> usually also means that well I to struggle with loving myself<br> how we are with others is often how we are with ourselves and vice-versa and how we see each other's is often how we see ourselves and unresolved or unhealed wounds distort how we View and interact with the world<br> well in his work the analysis of the self I'm sure you've heard the name Heinz kohut is a psychologist and he defines the South as a person's psychological being witches is made up of Sensations and feelings and thoughts and attitudes towards you know ourselves and the world according to his model of self psychology kohut understood our ability to overcome many many issues in our lives as stemming from an underdeveloped sense of Who We Are<br> hey you know more over not only are we simply not aware of who we are but also we're not aware of what in her gifts and beauty and strengths we possess and the external objects in our lives have been substituted for what we really desire in relationships that which is love acceptance peace intimacy nurturing courage and so forth but yet how many times do we settle for far far less<br> okay so kohart understood just Humanity in general you know just the reason why we get stuck in our issues is because you know this all stems from just simply not knowing who we are or as he put it as an underdeveloped sense of who we are and I tell you what I love that language that he uses an underdeveloped sense of who we are which tells me there is great potential in everybody<br> to understand who they are and to develop a sense of who they are and yet how many times do we say things out of ignorance are we act out of ignorance or even get on our thoughts are just out of ignorance because if we could truly see and understand how you do the energy works behind what we say or do or think<br> we walk around many times wounding a lot of people<br> and we wound our selves<br> but just imagine if we have that capacity within us to wound emotionally psychologically physically even spiritually when people there's also great potential in us to through a transformed energy to provide that healing and then to be able to send out but say through these five languages of love you know just a stronger more powerful energy that actually transforms lives and not only helps our cells and just discovering who we are but also helps others<br> and you know like I said you know a lot of times we just settle for something far far less because well it's just not worth the work or I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to get out from under this or I've been hurt so many times in my life I'm just giving up hope or whatever it might be okay but deep down inside when you strip away everything else what people really long for I mean the Deep depth Cry of their soul is to be loved to be accepted to have peace to have that intimacy nurturing courage so on and so forth<br> these are the things that we cannot put a price tag on but how many times do we settle for a particular price that we just say okay whatever<br> all right<br> so in order to develop a healthy sense of who we are a healthy self you know we are then required at some time in our lives to internalize the other qualities of let's say the external objects in our lives okay and then think of it this way that if we grew up with a favorite stuffed animal or toy okay we learned the value of comfort fun companionship whatever it was that that toy provided and the reason such objects connect with us is because they meet this inner emotional and psychological need<br> you don't know though this is a normal behavior in childhood as we mature as we get older we internalized these qualities and then we end up substituting the stuffed animal or the toy for more meaningful emotional physical and let's say even sexual intimacy in relationships with others<br> and if we are unable to do this we're going to struggle to be able to reciprocate these human qualities in meaningful Life Giving ways<br> now if any of you out there have seen the movie Ted you know t e d Ted it was I think came out in 2012 it's it's a classic classic example of you know how people you know how they struggle to just move from an underdeveloped sense of who they are toward a healthy self okay so spoiler alert in this film you know John Bennett he's a 35 year old man child okay have the movie he receives his childhood wish and making his teddy bear or Ted Talk okay and then come to life<br> and growing up Ted served as a great companion he was a confidant that John and he showed John unconditional love and so forth but unfortunately John never internalize those qualities that he received from Ted and as a result<br> he struggled to find meaning and his relationship with his girlfriend Lori unless Ted was around<br> so many people also looking at the external objects in order to satisfy those inner stirrings of the Soul so whether they are objects that provide pleasure or happiness Comfort security and door piece they can never touch the Cry of the soul and the Cry of the souls Consciousness that connects us with God<br> with these objects are like I said before are simply poor substitutes. On one level serve to meet our emotional and physical needs<br> but yet the reason why we cling to external objects is because on one level they work<br> Alec and here's another example to come and drive this this point how alcohol is a depressant and it calms emotional anxiety and stress if it didn't do that who would drink right cocaine is a stimulant and it boost mental and physical energy that again if cocaine didn't do that what's the point of taking it and even you do with it what you talkin in the context of intimacy you know and then just you know how that releases dopamine in the brain and provides a nice visit love article sense of relation and just even an unlikely workout releases endorphins and provides us with this analgesic feeling this is nice wonderful perfect<br> get on the other hand if we truly want to understand ourselves as Soul we must learn that these external objects always point us to connect with a higher Consciousness that transcends our emotional psychological and physical realms<br> in fact that we listen to The Cry of the soul I hope we realize our deepest desire is to connect and reconnect to the purest sense of who we are in fact the this Cry of the soul is so powerful so deafening that once we fully Embrace ourselves we're never going to be satisfied with anything less<br> yeah years ago I was in one of the mental health offices where I work hung this framed quote from the family therapist Virginia cetir and Virginia City or lived I think would like the early nineteen-hundreds 1950-1960 and she had died in 1988 and I'll just read to you that this quote and she says I want to love you without clutching I went to appreciate you without judging<br> I want to join you without invading<br> I want to invite you without demanding I want to leave you without guilt criticize you without blaming and help you without insulting and if I can have the same from you then we can truly meet each other<br> well day after day I passed by this quote and I never really stopped to read it you know you look at something day after day but you never read it okay let alone understand its impact on relationships both within and outside of you know counseling relationships so one day I was just eating my lunch minding my own business and I read and reread that quote slowly and I remember thinking to myself that's a powerful saying but that's far too demanding too many conditions too many changes would be required of people to reach this in fact as I assume that this is so unrealistic to place this kind of pressure on another person and expect them to keep their part of the bargain<br> well in counseling and pastoral settings I've witnessed too many people including myself making excuses for not wanting to be authentic in relationships can either say things like I've been hurt I've never going to open my heart to anyone ever again full me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me she hurt my feelings or you broke my heart or you let me down again or well God you didn't answer my prayers the way I wanted you to answer them you know and so on and so on and so on and yet Virginia's appears words just pursued me like a shadow I couldn't outrun<br> and little did I realize that I was actually reading her goals for her own life since she was born ua1950 1916 and clearly she was ahead of her time and you know but instead of viewing Humanity's problems as stemming from the popular belief back in her day which called Everything Neurosis she believed problems were the result of how people were unprepared to cope with life's challenges because they dealt with every situation in life from a place of woundedness instead of a place of all of healing and authenticity<br> it seems that are also believe that people are equipped with the capacity for for growth and transformation and as a result she got on a dedicated her life to helping people find their true in ourselves but also empowered them to live more congruent genuine lives make plain and simple she saw potential in people and the potential for people to be able to see themselves as they ought to be seen and to heal from those psychological emotional physical and even spiritual wounds<br> and it's still ironic defense this day that authenticity is often a foreign concept to many people on one hand they may know all to well nothing but broken this in their lives Broken Dreams broken promises broken relationships even physical broken this<br> and yet on the other hand despite not knowing what to call it people are attracted to that authenticity and that genuineness and desperately want more in their relationships<br> you know because if truth be told we often approach and sustained relationships because of what we can get out of them you know we may see a person and think how they can serve us it's how we might be able to meet a need and them<br> and this again brings us all back to Having the courage to reclaim our guests are Graces our strengths are love Etc that we've already come into the world with because and then this also helps us transcend into higher Dimensions these things do not necessarily belong to us exclusively<br> in other words the gifts and the talents in The Graces and strengths and everything you know how we are equipped and what we come in the world with are meant for somebody else<br> guy just sit with that one for the rest of your life okay and just you know let's consider how we're doing with that okay but you know our guests in our talents and so forth are always meant for another person so that we can be in relationships from a place of healing and wholeness instead of a place of woundedness about you've been listening to reclaiming authenticity and then I'm your host dr. James hauke thank you for spending this time with me I invite you to tune in next week as we take a look at how survivors and surviving loved ones of those who have completed suicide are doing and that show is entitled listening to the breadcrumbs suicides trail out of the dark woods so until next time everybody be safe have a good Labor Day weekend and I'll talk to you next Friday<br> take care<br> it's all there, and we'll see you next on PBS radio TV<br>

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