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Unforgiveness is like a pebble in our shoe

Reclaiming Authenticity with Dr James Houck

Unforgiveness is like a pebble in our shoe

Reclaiming Authenticity

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Reclaiming Authenticity: The courage to reclaim that which has always been in you.

No matter who we are, where we were born, and into what family we were placed, ours is a world full of relationships. Indeed, we are social beings who spend our lives making sense of our world by trying to find our place in the world. As social beings, it is often within the context of relationships that we experience tremendous pain and suffering. From overt acts of betrayal and cruelty that someone may have inflicted against us or vice versa, to simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time, many people bear the scars of physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual wounds. And yet ironically, just as we experience our woundedness in relationships, it is also within the context of healthy relationships that we find our healing and authenticity. The difficulty, then, is often finding the courage to discover that which has always been in you.

For over 25 years, Dr. James Houck has been helping people discover their authentic selves by integrating spirituality into their mental and emotional health. As people are able to integrate these disciplines, they often discover core issues that have been keeping them wounded in relationships.

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Weekly Show
BBS Station 1
Friday
Starts
2:00 pm CT
Ends
2:55 pm CT
Show Transcript (automatic text 90% accurate)

mental health and spirituality. Dr. James hauke<br>well hello everybody. Good afternoon wherever you are in the world at this time welcome to reclaiming authenticity finding your courage to reclaim that which has always been in you and one of these are broadcast I'll have to explain my life's journey to you in terms of how in the world that I could come to this theme of reclaiming authenticity was something that I stumbled on it was just something I simply started to unfold more and more in my life and as it did I not only found my healing and empowerment but I also found it was very healing and empowering to everyone that's now that's very know something. That is all the part of us to reclaim that which has always been in us and each and every week these broadcasts focus on this integration of reclaiming authenticity<br>in terms of our spirituality and our mental health and I place at all within the context of our relationships with ourselves others and God or the Divine and it's interesting how whenever we focus on healing or we focus on finding or authentic self or arthentic voices it always compels us to return to the relationships in our lives and if you would like more information about me or to leave me your comments about Today show I thought you to visit the website that is www.bbnradio.org Cam reclaiming authenticity on one word there so they'll be sorry www.bcbs.com reclaiming authenticity and these broadcast<br>and also do you want to call in and to be part of today show that would be great I invite you to if you never have before the I would say the phone lines are open if you want to say that and I'll be taking calls so after the break about 30 minutes into the shell will take a short break and come back but I invite you to call the toll-free line that number is +886-276-008-8886 to 76008 I don't want you to give me your Insight to your comments are your thoughts on today's subject unforgiveness is like a pebble in our shoe<br>can a powerful metaphor there and for those who happen to be tuning in for the very first time I just wanted to say welcome it's always good to have new listeners and just a little something about me is that I like to say that I am just deep down inside the very core of my being I'm a firm believer that all of us come into this world already equipped and graced with everything that we need in terms of the life that we want to lay in our giftedness are skills or talents or strengths character traits so on and so forth but as I explained to many many people we often go through life and may be due to some unpleasant experiences or if we are in the wrong place at the wrong time and something traumatic happens to us that tends to place a distorted template over our so-called<br>are Bob spiritual vision if you will and our emotional bodies and our psychological bodies and maybe even our physical bodies as well but anyway our perceptions are now skewed because of something traumatic that has happened in our lives or perhaps that we have yet to fully realize our giftedness or just fully realize just how fast we are and you'll for one reason or another we'll talk we're told that you know that you'll never amount to anything or whatever other voice you heard telling you that there's nothing special to you I just want to say right here and now do not believe that talk okay because it comes from people who don't really know them if the people truly knew themselves if people truly reclaim their authentic authenticity and they're authentic voices you wouldn't be saying something like that you would want others<br>do also Embrace their authenticity because of just how empowering it is and that realization that everybody is gifted and so the work that I do with the clients in the mental health field and helping them discover their authentic selves is often placed into let's go in and find the very best you let's go in and let's find what's hiding in your heart or let's go in and find the the core of who you are and let's heal from some things let's bring them out into the open and also let's get used to the idea and and just a daily practice of how then do we live our lives once we've discovered our authentic selves and exciting very very empowering in the lives of<br>only myself but also the lives of others because when we do this again we come right back into our relationships and we now go through life functioning from a place of healing and wholeness and we truly embrace our uniqueness for our preaching at us and we allow others to embrace their uniqueness as well and it's kind of ironic you know that the part of the backstory of reclaiming authenticity is at as I kept coming back to relationships and then you know I'm so forth it was just that something kept nagging at me that you know the integration of spirituality and mental health and finding our offense authenticity and authentic voices it has to be placed in relationships but here's the irony because we often go through life and we receive our deepest physical emotional psychology<br>call even spiritual wounds in relationships okay but however and here's the irony part of it if we could discover our greatest healing strength peace forgiveness and love through healthier relationships<br> thanks and what are the ways I've had some wonderful conversations with people over the past couple of weeks and and one of the ways people find their healing strength peace and peace and forgiveness of love to healthy relationships often begins through meditation<br> but there's there's a misunderstanding out there in in today's world in the out for some not all but for some that you know as many people engage in meditation in order to find this healing and Grace and peace within themselves but I came across one of the writings from the Buddhist Vietnamese teacher thick not Hahn and the way he described meditation is simply beautiful and he says that meditation is not to get out of society but prepare for a re-entry into society because this is what's called engaged Buddhism meditation is not to get out of society but to prepare for re-entry into society<br> and he says that whenever we go to a meditation center or some other place of quiet secluded place we may have the impression that we leave everything behind family and society and all the complications involved with them and come as individual person in order to practice and search for this piece but he says you're already starting from a place of Illusion because he says that in Buddhism what he practice is there is no such thing as an individual so it's definitely a wonderful to go to a meditation center or two quietly just go meditate collect Yourself by all means do that find that find what works but remember as much as it's tempted for us to say that well I'm just going to do this for a week or two or whatever you know just to get away from it all<br> granted we need that rest okay but remember It prepares us for re-entry into society and so the work that we do in meditation is yes for ourselves but perhaps a healthier way to look at it is that we meditate or we are engaged in rituals or whatever spiritual practice for the sake of others<br> you don't forsake of somebody who is unable to meditate we meditate for them or person who is unable to find their authentic voice we find our authenticity to then re-engage Society to help others find their authenticity and so forth and so on and it's interesting that you've heard me say this before if you're a regular listener<br> that these relationships just might be within our own family to some co-workers and Friends okay and and them will talk more about that when we're going to be talking about forgiveness today we're going to put a Twist on it that's for sure but first and foremost you know the forgiveness and kindness and compassion and love begins with how we treat ourselves<br> try and just the kind of relationship that we have with ourselves you know who's staring back at us at the mirror you know when we look inside ourselves who do we see what we see do we like what we see<br> do we love ourselves or we compassionate with ourselves and so forth because whatever we are compassionate with ourselves we can certainly be more compassionate with others it just opens up that world of understanding like nothing else and when we are forgiving of ourselves we've been could be more forgiving with others you know it's such a something again tonight I have seen over the past couple of weeks just the intolerance of your the unwillingness I should say for people to forgive and I often wonder you know have they on some level for giving themselves or are they so rigid and they're understanding that they hold themselves to an unrealistic like well<br> you know I just know I might be able to forgive others but I just can't forgive myself for one reason or another but then have a truly forgiven others Okay so<br> show all in all and then when we are able to forgive ourselves certainly we can be more forgiving with others and when we are able to live in gratitude with ourselves and everything just in terms of what we have received but just simply everything just being in gratitude with the little gifts here and there we discover how this really opens up our hearts to be able to see and to live in gratitude with others so all in all transformation begins with us but it's also meant for the betterment of others<br> well Carl Rogers as you may have heard me said before the founder of person-centered therapy I came on the scene of the mental health counseling therapy too late call Rogers dr. Rogers was already passed on but in his reading material and any kind of videos that you watch profound because he really engaged people where they were he met them where they were and he and believe wholeheartedly in backing people up that if he wasn't there to convert he wasn't there to convince people he was just you know they are to engage them and such a profound way and one of his more famous quote that I truly love is this<br> he says that when another person is hurting or confused or troubled maybe they're anxious or alienated or even terrified or when he or she is filled with just doubting their self-worth or uncertainty as to their identity then understanding on our part is called for<br> that gentle and sensitive companionship of an empathic stance that presents is what I call that provides illumination and healing and such situations deep understanding is he believes the most precious gift one can give to another and that is so true that is so true our presence speaks volumes spend the night just how we carry ourselves but you know these things these higher things that you know we we had all along to go back in and reclaim you know our compassion our forgiveness our gratitude are loved for ourselves and at peace we don't even have to open our mouths people know it just by watching us looking at us you know that if we do speak listening to us but it's really you know just how we interact and kind of the vibe we give off if you will<br> okay so this broadcast is really going to you know delve deep into know how do we do this you know how do we go about reclaiming our ethics South Where Do We Begin you know just there might be so much there that is like okay I'm anxious to get started but where do I begin okay so if you haven't done so already strapped on the proverbial seat belt and hang on here we are in the month of May actually the middle of May and with the weather becoming nicer and nicer no more more people are getting out and walking and of course that's one of the best forms of exercise we could do apart from what's a if you're in the rock climbing or surfing a mountain biking or whatever else okay but most people I know a good long walk or a hike through the woods<br> forest or wherever and no matter whether we are on a trail or a back road sooner or later we sometimes pick up a pebble in our shoe<br> don't ask me how it gets there cuz I'm still trying to figure that one out myself but it is just interesting when we go out for a walk or if we're walking on a trailer back road or something sooner or later we're going to get a pebble OK Google long at a pretty good Pace or whatever Pace you want to and you're you're at peace and hopefully you know you don't have any pain in the knees or the hips yeah when all of a sudden you feel that pain at the bottom of your foot and you realize somehow someway<br> you've picked up a stone you picked up that Pebble now maybe your first thought is to ignore you know it's just after all just might be the only chance you can tolerate you know and then let's be honest with ourselves sometimes we just don't really want to stop and take off our shoes and you know kind of shake or or boot or shoe to get rid of that stone and put it back on lace it up and Co you know continue want so we just keep going to walking along and we tell ourselves okay I can handle this like that's not too much further I can I can do that and as we continue on with this Pebble in the shoe it starts to hurt a little bit of the annoyance starts to be a little painful and so what do we do if we don't want to stop<br> we start to shake our foot to shift the pebble to another area let's say under your foot that you can now tolerate for now or we make pound our foot on the on the ground that kind of move the pebble up to the you know the front of the issue of the toe now the couple is still in the shoe and you know we've we've done something to actually minimize this this pain you know but have we really<br> because over time and with the more steps that we take this this pain begins to intensify and do you know if we just keep ignoring it and it becomes even more painful and we pressed through and everything okay it's going to turn into a blister or we might even cut ourselves until we bleed into our stock because of where the pebble had been rubbed<br> and when we can no longer tolerate the pain and we could no longer keep Shifting the pebble back and forth kicking it up moving it back and so forth we finally stopped and we take off our shoes and we shake the pebble free<br> drink we have all been there let's not kid ourselves okay but let's stay with this Pebble as a metaphor for something far greater than pain in the foot as a well okay because you know isn't it amazing that you know what kind of bigger lesson a little Pebble in the shoe can teach us and then you might be sitting there and go on like well I don't get it it's just a pebble is just an annoyance take off the shoe and flick at 3 your good put YouTube back on keep going but<br> what if we begin to see everything in our lives as a metaphor<br> what if we begin to see everything that happens to us or little instances or things that we consider as an annoyance or disruption maybe that was intentional in the grand scheme of things maybe that was intentional to get our attention so to speak to pay attention to okay it's not really the pebble but maybe it's a metaphor you know such as physical pain just might teach us something about our emotional pain where our spiritual pain<br> Pebble in the shoe if we're we're just might awaken us further to something else we need to take care of in our lives where you know giving it a good Shake isn't going to do anything okay I'll just might remind us of something that quite painful for us but that nobody else knows about<br> okay well perhaps the lesson is that you know we always need to deal with problems immediately could be or the pebble in the shoes you just might be the metaphor that teaches us that if we hold onto problem such as the pebble in the shoe are there other aspects that we hang onto other problems such as anger or bitterness or unforgiveness<br> or just a little deeper with this metaphor perhaps the real issue why we don't want to remove a pebble in our shoes because we're also dealing with the fact that we don't want to forgive you know we want to keep ourselves protected from further wounded you know that we just going to tolerate this just like the pebble in the shoe it gets a little Annoying it starts to be painful but nobody sees it<br> nobody sees it but we know it's there<br> and maybe it points to something deeper than that that we just don't want to let our guard down and be wounded all over again<br> okay I think I already told you the story of this but I cancelled a 14 year old girl long time ago she's probably on the United States Senator or somebody like that these days but she and I got on the subject of yeah okay you got a boyfriend do you go to dances or anything and she's like no I don't don't have a boyfriend I don't go to dances I just come right home and get out of the definition of love was something she gave me the most extraordinary answer in that she didn't believe in it<br> you know and I was just I was amazed by her answer cuz I'm thinking to myself okay you're you're 14 years old what happened that you don't believe in love and the more we got into her story The the more you know love and and being open and being vulnerable was very painful to her because she was exploited not just in terms of emotionally or psychologically but also physically and sexually okay so course you know she had this dance of you know when your love your vulnerable and so I don't want to be vulnerable and therefore I do not love and again 14 years old knowing and learning a lesson like this and sweet talk a little bit more and she had some interesting dreams that we also work through it and she was able to see where this fear of being vulnerable came from and she also<br> realize that but it was also keeping her from you know keeping her from loving herself keeping her from being at peace with herself keeping her from forgiving herself and so on and so forth so you don't pay attention to everything and your life because we look at things as metaphor great great lessons to teach us<br> well returning to the pebble in the shoe quote exactly on this so you know Muhammad Ali have a great boxer but we had her passed away a year ago maybe 2 or 3 years ago I'm not quite sure but he said it isn't the mountains I had to climb that wears you out it's the pebble in your shoe<br> now I'm at that is just a great quote right there because he himself at overcome any challenges but it's interesting that the day in and day out problems that we went to ignore or we think while we can press on instead of really taken care of it and so forth. Very powerful it's not the mountains ahead of us to climb that where is this Alice the pebble in our shoe and another way to look at this Pebble of the shoe and I'm looking at it as they unforgiveness and we talkin about forgiveness this can really come as a shock to many<br> and that is that forgiveness very much has to do with ourselves you know it's not all about the other person knew somebody has hurt our feelings or has done has wronged us or or something it's also about self-healing self-empowerment self-liberation we are very much a part of the for lack of a better phrase just the Forgiveness equation here and this came home just a reality for Archbishop Archbishop Desmond Tutu he was South Africa's former former Anglican Archbishop and I think at one point I forget the year but he also received the Nobel Peace Prize and he said we don't forgive to help the other person although it's part of it we don't forgive for others although that's part of it<br> it says but mainly we forgive for ourselves<br> forgiveness in other words is the best form of self-interest<br> and I like it to you know carrying around just like huge Boulder you know I'm the pain and just a heaviness of unforgiveness because sometimes we don't want to let that go and that little Pebble in the shoe which started off as an annoyance and like well okay I'll just thought the stuff it out has now become a rock a boat that we have to Lug around with us everywhere we go because the pain and the bitterness and resentment is so heavy it's so pervasive in everything that we do<br> well I also read a survey by the Fetzer Institute that does great studies on mental health and physical health just the intersection of that and they came out with a report years ago that said 62% of Americans think that they need more forgiveness and their personal lives<br> okay that's a good percentage but how do people go about finding forgiveness or let alone walking in a state of forgiveness<br> in in her book the fault of violence so there's a theologian Marjorie sochocky and she has an interesting interpretation on forgiveness you know it's the she says it's the willingness or willing the well-being of an offender instead of having ill will toward him or her she says it's it's not a once for all kind of event but it's it's time spent event it's a process I don't know forgiveness does not require feelings of love or acceptance it can make room for warm feelings or acceptance for both the victim and the Violator<br> forgiveness Dusk and then be the foundation for transformation<br> I like that I think that's just an interesting way to take a look at forgiveness but<br> why do people struggle as much as you know this Fetzer Institute report of 62% of Americans think they need more forgiveness what does that say about the people to get okay I need more forgiveness in my life but now that you know you don't know how I've been hurt you do not know how I've been betrayed you do not know how my life has been turned upside down because I can't go back to the way things were you know I'm the one who got hurt and they're for the offender should do something for me you know but again you can hear the bitterness seeping in a statement like that no true when we live in a society we don't have to go too far but then just the front page of the news to see how Humanity lashes out at others you know how the woundedness just continues and so people become quite bitter<br> but we're talking about how do we get out of that how do we take that pebble out of our shoe metaphorically speaking okay because if we think like well you know somebody should do something for me because I've hurt me that kind of thinking often traps people in their pain and really offers not a plausible solution okay if the one who hurt us had no idea they did something wrong or they just don't feel like making a meds you know it fits if you do it on one hand we could be sitting here and won't get insane to ourselves well I'm not ready to forgive but I need them to come forward and acknowledge it<br> they may not they may not see the need to be able to do that and then what do we do or we left with the rest of our lives just hanging on to that or is there a way to let go of that to say if they come forward great if they don't great I'm not going to walk around with that weight and my gut are on my shoulders anymore if they don't realize it or if they've been made aware of something they've done wrong but yet don't think they need to apologize that's on them that's what they need to carry that so you know carrying this hurt is definitely a burden and then on many levels and it's a burden to our social and physical and mental well-being<br> however you know forgiveness is this so to speak and is not so not surprisingly is linked also to improve the health and quality of life now I'm at some of the more fascinating studies that are out there you know just when people are able to forgive and let go when they find that piece they find their authentic voice and so forth and really start to reclaim their healing<br> for some strange reason their blood pressure starts to lower<br> which is interesting they have less stress in their life they feel better they sleep better they eat better they're happier they laugh they might even break out in the song or whistle something that they may have never done in a long long time because of that bitterness or that unforgiveness were that Pebble in the shoe so to speak has been there and robbing the person of that piece and that Joy so in a nutshell. I'm just not a theory is out there that you know come our way in terms of pain and so forth that you know just in general will kick up a lot of stress in our lives you know how to say somebody is hurt her feelings or we've been overlooked or whatever and we just we feel that stress on a daily basis or we'd be unappreciative<br> we feel whatever okay and that's it just has its way of kind of seeping through all other areas emotional and biologically definitely and it just starts to erode our house and just keep in mind that whenever people's deep wounds are not healed these wounds can become vortexes of Troubled Waters and it's intertwined with their own instincts for survival<br> and that's what we can get caught up in you know who's going to take care of me who's going to forgive me how can I find my peace how can I keep going how can I get rid of this bitterness<br> why we have to take into consideration are we even asking those questions or are we so consumed with well it's somebody else's problem to deal with it's somebody else's you know but we kind of lock ourselves away all the while letting it just start to eat ourselves you don't see the inner part of ourselves psychologically emotionally and physically well if you would like to call in I definitely want to hear your thoughts your heart on this subject again that number is 888-627-6008 and as I said in the beginning I'm going to be taking your calls after the break again you are listening to reclaiming authenticity and I am your host dr. James hauke I'll be back with you in 1 minute<br> okay welcome back I am dr. James how can you are listening to reclaiming authenticity again just before we go further in a day show I just want to remind you about the topic for next week it is May 21st of my gosh we're going to be out of Mason and then like welcome to June okay but the but the subject them to be talking about is the Persona of who we are the Persona of who we are so we're going to take a little bit of a little look at Carl Jung and his understanding of just a different roles that we take on in society and just<br> he Likens it to the different masks that we wear or what do we present to others when we're out and about or we're home so in other words will the real person please stand up so I invite you to tune in Next Friday May 21st for the Persona of Who We Are<br> all right well earlier in the show I was talking about what to do when we got a pebble in the shoe you know not if but when okay and don't sit there and say I never got a coupling issue because yes you have okay everybody has whether you're walking on the beach you're going to get some sand maybe an area in which you don't wants and I are walking along it happens to all of us no matter how tight we lace up the shoes a pebble can always find its way in there okay so what do we do when we get that table in the shoe it was like oh there it is when I get that little bit of stabbing pain right do we ignore it. We stopped at immediately and remove it or we keep walking and we are content to just kind of like shake or shoe and our float around in order to avoid the unbearable pain that will eventually occur because it's rubbing<br> so I also introduced the notion of let's look at this Pebble in the shoe as a metaphor as a metaphor for something far greater than just simply having a pain in our foot<br> it's amazing what kind of bigger lesson a little Pebble in this you can teach us because if we are aware and if we begin to see everything in our lives as a metaphor such as physical pain that just might teach us something about our emotional or spiritual paint you know and then with the pebble in the shoe it just might awaken us to something else that we need to take care of in our lives okay and with a pebble in the shoe nobody else sees that we're aware of it because we have the pain but nobody else is<br> and that just might speak to other areas of our lives in which people have no idea the kind of pain that we might be carrying around and the same goes for you as we're dealing with other people we have no idea to pay and that they are carrying around<br> well this past week I've had some pretty interesting conversations with kids with teenagers about forgiveness and Let Me Tell You Folks if you've never sat down and listen to a kid or a teenager talk about forgiveness will they have a lot to say on this subject can I get they get out there they are not stupid by any means they see things they hear things they feel things so let me just say they have a lot to say on the subject of forgiveness so it's always interesting to have those conversations and all I have to do is just kind of toss it out there in like what you think about so-and-so who wasn't forgiven or what do you think about so-and-so who was forgiven or were there times when you are hurt or were there times you know that you hurt somebody and it's interesting the the depth of those conversations come<br> whenever we're talking about video games video games I got to tell you there's something up with these kids and fortnite Tide clock to the past couple of weeks everybody's playing fortnite that you just like that's the game to play so I was like all right. Just don't tell me about it I've never played it so kind of walk me through and the kids go on like well you can you have different skins that you can get and you know you have to go here or there and avoid being killed or you can chase some people and it's interesting to me that through the media of video games how we could use those as a way to teach kids about real lessons in life<br> or another words one of my favorite favorite quotes from a teacher of mine you know he would say everything is a teachable moment for us<br> and it's like I got that but you know the older I get the more I see it so let's say you're okay and you are trying to reach an end or a goal and whether it's getting to let's say a Finish Line or to reach the top of a mountain or maybe you have to find a hidden treasure something that you have to do in the game in order to when okay I'm going to take several attempts to succeed or another words no one person playing a game has ever reached the goal of the game without making a few mistakes along the way and having to start over<br> and herein lies the lesson about forgiveness<br> when we forgive or when we ask another person for forgiveness it's like we've been given another chance to start over and we can start over with ourselves we can start over with someone else or we can start over even with God it's a chance to hit the reset button and say okay<br> I'd I know where I made my mistakes and this is exactly what I want to do from here on out<br> forgiveness allows us to re-enter Society<br> we we re-enter Society little bit wiser more engaged and living in gratitude because we know just what that means to us we know how much we've been forgiven up and unforgiveness causes us to withdraw from others<br> you know until I got like to read that quote earlier and in the end the broadcast of thick not Hahn and share it with you again he says that when people go to meditate they often think that meditation is is you know to get out of society he says but that's all wrong and if I get meditation prepares us for a re-entry into society that will so does forgiveness okay because it's not just about us and when we have unforgiveness we don't feel like being around others just has that natural part of us. Just wants us to withdraw because we don't want to be bothered or because of maybe we have to make a mess and so forth<br> but we can certainly apply the same analogy of this Pebble in the shoe you know that were metaphor in our lives especially when it comes to forgiveness or gratitude you know most of the time Society wants to treat these themes of forgiveness and gratitude as separate or individual<br> yet when it comes to reclaiming our authentic selves our spirituality of our mental health forgiveness and gratitude can never be separated<br> or we can try to make this out to be in like a which came first the chicken or the egg kind of dilemma but in all actuality I've never met a person who didn't Express gratitude in all that they do and say without also having forgiveness in their heart<br> and vice-versa I've never met a person who didn't have forgiveness in their heart with all those so you know without also expressing gratitude and all that they say and all that they do<br> you know so in a sense we could say that forgiveness and gratitude go hand in hand just like peanut butter and jelly or peas and carrots if you're a fan of Forrest Gump you know because when we have forgiveness of gratitude and it opens up the heart like nothing else in our lives and allows an authentic love not just ourselves but also others to emerge<br> but but how often are we content to keep walking with this Pebble in the shoe knowing that with each step that we take the pain is going to keep shooting through our feet and eventually up our leg<br> so how do we go about cultivating forgiveness and gratitude and love well just like the conversation I had with the kids in the video game so you know if you're a parent or let's say that you are also a grandparent you know use the analogy sit down with them play video games and when they make a mistake when they don't have to start over in the game just say hey pause that for a second have you ever thought about you know when we do something wrong is that we have to<br> yeah start over but how do we start over we start over by apologizing we start over by forgiving we start over by saying you're more important to me than anything else so I don't want to be you know the one who says I have to be right I want to be the one who wants to be in a right relationship with you and forgiveness allows me to do that so if we need to ask for forgiveness or if we need to forgive others you know go with the video game metaphor it is it is perfect kids eat that up because that's their world that's what they understand<br> but let's go a little bit deeper and just in case you don't play video games or you're not a lover of video games you know how did we then go about cultivating forgiveness and gratitude and love well it's easier than what we think<br> we often have to begin with the most difficult people in our lives are not just could be our family<br> now credit that may not be easy but it's easy to understand how to do it I'm cutting off erring forgiveness asking for forgiveness that takes courage and let's let's not kid ourselves here okay pain is real forgiveness and gratitude takes courage but when you find it when it funny bears fruit in your life it is powerful it is transformative and you want to see love just shoot through families and that that acceptance that pace and that Grace that's powerful<br> do forgiveness and gratitude has to begin with our families because this is often where we experienced some of the most pain and hurt in our lives and the psychological pain for the emotional pain the physical pain spiritual pain<br> we have to begin with our family of origin issues because these are the first people who gave us a sense of how the world works<br> but I would like us to expand this definition of family to include not just immediate and extended family members but also family members who have gone on before us as well as those who will come after us okay follow me on this<br> it was less than a week ago we celebrated Mother's Day<br> and Mother's Day right up there with Christmas is just hiked all over the place we see it on advertisement so you pick up a newspaper and there they have you do the inserts their Mother's Day specials and so forth so a lot of hype a lot of advertisement a lot of flowers are purchased a lot of cards you know Hallmark and just you know take care of an entire wall of greeting cards just on Mother's Day and get breakfast in bed or summer taken out for dinner with us it's like a special day to treat Mom okay I guess that's just had some great conversations with kids like that they don't use stiff mom on Mother's Day I was going to come back to get you all right<br> but in all seriousness I've also sat with many many women who for them<br> Mother's Day<br> is downright painful and filled with gut-wrenching memories<br> I've listened to stories of how their mothers were not there for them in one form or another or moms who were absent you know they were they were there but they weren't or maybe the moms were out of the texture or maybe the moms were just unable to nurture them because they themselves were never cared for and women who struggled women who were either silenced or allow themselves to be silenced and therefore you know they might have been the biological mothers but that nurturing quality was just not there<br> well I came across years and years ago a wonderful prayer that actually it's a prayer for mother's day which by the way Mother's Day is highly attended you see a little bump in church attendance has all throughout the United States yeah because it's something special that moms want to go to church and they want their families to go with them and so forth and specially grandmother's there looks like no no no no excuses today you're coming with me okay but I found this prayer cuz for the longest time I'm wrestling with you know I get it Mother's day is great wonderful at celebrated<br> but the more I began to interact in the more I listen to other women the more I realized just how ignorant I was of what does Everybody celebrate Mother's Day<br> so I want to share this prayer with you and I'll even put this up on the website a little bit later so if you want to copy it this actually comes out of United Methodist Hymnal so if you happen to have one laying around you'll find it as well. It's it's under the heading the Festival of the home and it is a prayer that I said is just beautifully captures not just mothers on Mother's day but the celebration of women in general<br> it says we pray for our mothers who have given us life and love that we may show them reverence and love<br> we also pray for mothers who have lost a child through death but their faith may give them hope and their family and friends support and consoled them<br> we also pray for women though without children of their own who like mothers have nurtured and cared for us<br> for mothers who have been unable to be a source of strength who have not responded to their children and have not sustained their families<br> loving God as a mother gets life nourishment to our children so you to watch over your children<br> Wesley's women that they may be strengthened as mothers and let the example of their faith in Love Shine 4th and Grant that we their sons and daughters they honor them always with a spirit of profound respect<br> I cannot tell you how many women I have had in my life who yes they've had children of the road that's they praised families and so forth but some did not have families of their own who had such powerful nurturing qualities that I was tremendously blessed and honored the call them teacher<br> friend<br> mother<br> and so forth<br> let's not Overlook the people in our lives<br> let us work through the pain that perhaps is brought up when we think about Mother's Day and Father's Day<br> let us always work to restore the relationships that we have first with ourselves then with our families then with others<br> because in all honesty is it really worth being right at the cost of damaging<br> right relationships<br> it's not<br> I would rather be in a right relationship I would rather offer forgiveness I would rather throw my ego to the side and say your relationship with me you value so much it's not a question of whether or not I need to be right or wrong or whatever it's I want to be right with you<br> on dr. James hauke and you have been listening to reclaiming authenticity in the meantime I just want to bless you and say you don't have a good week. Peace be careful out there still behave yourselves you know and I will share with you so much more next week 3:00 Eastern Standard Time in Pacific time take care and God bless<br> 4000 comments or product to buy a book by dr. hope it's all there to reclaiming authenticity. Calm and we'll see you next Friday at noon Pacific Time on PBS radio TV<br>