and now with over 25 years of experience mental health doctor

hey everybody good afternoon wherever you are in the world at this time welcome to reclaiming authenticity finding one's courage to reclaim that which has always been in you very excited to be with you here today and every Friday at 3 p.m. Eastern Standard Time noon Pacific Standard Time and in anytime in between shows are podcast just in case you can't go and access the archives www.cbs radio.com and then reclaiming authenticity all one word there and then once you click on that you'll find access things to things that the peak your interest in the archives is certainly one of them so I invite you to go back and listen to episode

so you may have missed and I've always shoot me an email and let me know your thoughts of you know what the touches you or what you would like to hear more of I am certainly open to the South if those you have been with me for a while you know that each and every week these broadcasts really focus on the integration of spirituality and or mental health and it's hard place within the context of our relationships relationships that we have with ourselves or intra relationships or relationships we have with others the interpersonal relationships with God or the Divine the universe and so forth and again very good reason why I place this integration in relationships is because we often receive our deepest physical emotional psychological even spiritual wounds in relationships however we can also discover our greatest healing and

Langston peace and forgiveness and love through healthier relationships so if you want to understand it this way relationships having to be the common denominator through every and these relationships just might be within our own families co-workers and then friends and it's interesting that as I said they can cause some deep divisions within families and dad that work or even within our friend group however whatever we work on ourselves and whatever we are committed to our own integration of the spirit of our spirituality and our mental health we find that the more face what we are true words integration the more transformation is going to occur and so excited to just one follows the other so the more faithful we are with our own integration

transformation is inevitable since we are placed within the context of relationships we are going to transform others by our Grace our president and our understanding but first and foremost our own integration with forgiving ourselves and commitment to kindness and compassion really begins with how we treat ourselves because whenever we are compassionate with ourselves we can become more compassionate with others and certainly the more forgiving we are of ourselves we can then be more forgiving of others and Mabel and when we're able to live in gratitude with ourselves we will then discover how this opens our hearts to see and live in gratitude with others so all-in-all integration and transformation first and foremost begins with us if you would like more information about me or if you want to leave

your comments about today show again invite you to visit the website ww.w. BBS radio.com reclaiming authenticity will be new to the program I just wanted to say very quickly that I am a firm believer that all of us do come into the world already equipped and graced with everything that we need in this life in terms of our skills are giftedness our talents are strengths are character traits so on and so forth and sometimes when we have the very best of ourselves with others it may or may not go well perhaps others you know I do is we we share the very best of ourselves it's kind of like holding up a mirror to others and for something that's just too much it's just that they're not ready to see that kind of transparency in themselves or perhaps they are reminded of some painful

experiences that have gone on unresolved in their lives and so we might hold back a little bit. We might even push our our gifts in our skills way down and you do it and then hide it so that others cannot see it or maybe over time so just through the negativity and pessimism of others or perhaps we were told by the others growing up that we would never amount to anything you know we would that does have an effect on us you know if we take that stuff to heart and we just realize that you know or I should say not realize but perhaps we we try to convince ourselves that there really is nothing special to us that what other people are saying well that must be true cuz if they see that in ask but they don't see the whole picture do they know they they don't okay but it still has an effect on us because we often end up going through life functioning from

play some Bluetooth Nestor victimization instead of a place of healing and wholeness and really embracing our uniqueness are a chant has a couple of weeks I've been reminded of society's messages regarding Above All Things how we are shedding tears these days over the past couple of years with the covid shutdown and trying to get back to some sort of normalcy whatever that's supposed to mean and the number of deaths related to this pandemic just the world the way it is with situations and so forth so we've had a lot to cry about and rightly so there is tremendous amount of pain and suffering going on right now however there's also a tremendous amount of Grace and strength and love

to still be expressed that all depends on where we look and feel of those things often show up when we least expect it. One of my favorite stories was told to me by a dear friend is more like a adolescent where are you know he just said look if you're in any of the situation you know always look for the peace always look for the grace always look for the love always look for the understanding he said you should be able to find it in any any situation they said however if this is a big ass if you are looking for those things and any situation and you cannot find any of those things he said then you become the piece for the situation you become the love in the moment you become the grace you become what is needed in any given circumstance and when he had shared that with me it really

just one of those aha moments for me that I just made a huge huge impact and my understanding of who I am and you know for the longest time just going through life as you know will God show me the grace show me the peace and is almost as if my friend said look you don't have to go looking for it because you can become the piece you can become the grace you can become the love for the Forgiveness or the understanding whatever is needed in the moment you can become their steaks are those things are already in you but what's getting in the way of those aspects those positive character traits and so forth from coming up

what's keeping those things hidden what in certain ways of bitterness or unforgiveness or are you just keeping how we not only experience peace and Grace but how then do we become peace and Grace for somebody else so I can we have to continue doing a lot of inner work on ourselves so I can give it back to you know society's perceptions of Tears or how people should their tears now we have come a long way in this area as a society but we have a long way to go

because even when we experienced the loss of a loved one or when we are overcome by strong emotions and it doesn't have to be sorrow or sadness it can be tears of joy tears are a natural way our bodies release built-up tension

give me a couple of examples here anybody remember the song Don't Cry Out Loud by Melissa Manchester well the refrain goes like this you know don't cry out loud just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings fly high and proud and if you should fall remember you almost had it all

and remember probably like you sing along to a song like this and not even paying any attention to you know the lyrics and just exactly what was being communicated and this isn't the only song that talks about hiding one's tears you know there's an old Quarterflash song entitled Harden my heart that that's says I'm going to harden my heart I'm going to swallow my tears I'm going to turn and leave you here

and on one hand do you know these phone messages of you don't hide your tears or hide your feelings don't don't share with anybody or show anybody what you're really feeling all that does is tears us up on the inside it really affects us physically been the first place is going to affect I guarantee you going to be your stomach somewhere in the digestive system the digestive tract it's going to be affected sooner or later or the heart you know how many people have suffered severe heart problems as a result of being unable to express their feelings were hanging onto a bitterness that just slowly starts to

eat that much work you do turn into just riding them from the inside out

well

it's interesting again you know the society's perceptions of tears and another one is at the allow Big Boys Don't Cry and tell you that ranks right up there with you do real men don't eat quiche and forgot I just say oh really well how about we change that to real men eat whatever they want without worrying about what others might think of them okay and a lot of times I have to say you know we cannot express our feelings any other way except for Tears you know if you would just get to that moment where we just we cannot form the words we just we don't have the words we just were overcome by the emotions and when this occurs liked I typically ask the client you know after they have compose themselves you know if those tears could talk what would they say

where are they saying that's what what are they saying to you what are they saying to me so if those tears could talk what would they say because tears do you have a context I have a story a story that needs to be share they're just not without context you know there's something that is involved in Us in terms of just deep deep deep emotional release but have you ever noticed that there is this temptation to explain why a person is crying or why a person is sad

I've seen this many times when people begin to cry or even the shed a few tears you know that they often apologize for displaying emotions in front of others and they just you know they they dabbed her eyes were they you know just are able to say a few words such as you know what I'm sorry I don't mean to do this in front of you and

you know I just like my God I just tried to reassure if people like if it's okay you know something is touch you and tears are coming up let them come and I also asked permission from you. Person at that time so you know that there are things that get touched at me and come up in me you know I want to have the same permission from you to be able to express my emotions through tears if you know if I have Coronavirus

also equally surprising that I've noticed how many times people have what's a ready-made or Pat answers for anything especially when seeing and hearing the strong emotions of others which often make them uncomfortable and the classic example of that we often find in scripture is the story of jokes your joke was as it was written me or was he was considered a very righteous man I just love God with all his heart and you know he prayed for his kids and hope for the best for them and very doubt very devoted I should say did not have any doubt in his faith whatsoever and then Joe

enters a time in his life when he isn't starting to suffer tremendously tremendously he had tremendous loss of his family and of his property even of his health just like one thing after another just bam bam bam it really started to hit him and he was just so overcome come with his suffering that he just he went he didn't know what else to do

he went

and it's interesting as the story unfolds historic that his three friends came to him and they too were so overcome by what he had experienced and adjust to seeing their friend in a certain condition that they too broke down and they wept with him the empathized with him know what does the scripture says they began to weep allowed and they tore their robes and sprinkle dust on their heads in Atherton certainly you know just a Telltale sign that there's just in the tremendous tremendous outpouring of grief and sorrow and a you know scripture also says that they lasted about seven days where they spent that 7 days with her and they did that in silence and they often commiserated with their friend in silence

however their silence did not last forever and eventually eventually these three men give a series of speeches to Jobe and it's actually picks up the rest of the book and the speeches of job's three friends include many shall we say inaccuracies and try your primarily involving why God allows people to suffer you know because his friends are trying to figure this out too but they're overarching belief was that Joba suffering because he had done something wrong I mean after all nobody would have suffered this much lost this much pain shed so many tears

if I didn't deserve it but that's where their friends were coming from but we know you know if you read the whole story of the understanding is like it had really nothing to do with that job did not do anything wrong and he was a total shift in the understanding back in the day that the more faithful you are the more I say devoted to God you are that you know certainly you're not going to be spared any kind of suffering in fact you might even suffer for your face until history friends just just repeatedly encourage Joe to they just confess what you did and repent so that God will just leave you alone if you don't have to go through any of this suffering and Showbiz like what what did I do I don't I don't know what I did wrong you know it has to be pointed out to me cuz I've clearly do not know and

again toward the end of the book God comes into the story and God pretty much tells job's three friends that can you can go away now because you are way off base as to why my servant job is is suffering and Joe Joe was actually honored for his stealth Devotion to God even in the midst of suffering and even in the midst of shedding anybody cheers well in our house we have a small plaque that we we hang up and it says live to the point of Tears

and look at this saying as a point of meditation for me like what does it mean to live to the point of Tears what is the passion what is the compassion what is the commitment what is the the moments when we come to our breaking point you know living to the fullest so live to the point of tears and we're crying is never a sign of weakness but rather it's a reminder not to hide yourself from the world's problems but rather engage people where they live celebrate with them cry with them

engage people where they live

let's be honest have you ever been so overcome with emotion that all you felt like doing was just sitting down and having a good cry you know just a deep heavy sobbing cry whereby afterwards you felt completely drained and exhausted and all you wanted to do was sleep

we've all been there. I remember seeing a research study which focused on the strong emotions that are released with the shedding of tears and it was an article written by dr. William Fricks and he was doing research with Alzheimer's patients in Minneapolis and he and his team had studied the chemical compound of the chemical makeup of tears and this was a report like I said back in there but probably the early 80s and the tears they found you know stirred up by emotional get out just high high high emotions contains very high levels of proteins and manganese that the normal Terry fluid that protects and lubricates our eyes and so strong emotions you know that are brought on by crying you know but also seems to release this build up tension and stress

and also the doctor fry and his team you know the other researchers in this area have also noted that crying releases oxytocin and endorphins which he's both physical and emotional pain

and oxytocin and endorphins are just wonderful neurotransmitters but again you know what our bodies already produced these things but they are just too how they are expressed how they are released whenever we have a good cry

well there was some history there was groundbreaking work by dr. Eric Linderman he was at Massachusetts General Hospital in the 1940s was known for treating people for ulcerative colitis and you know just making simple observations and everything you said that helping grieving patient just readjust to the loss of a loved one and get to know his patients and they just found out that they recently had a loss and listen to their stories and so forth but it was how the body was reacting but she really paid attention to and then about 9:10 months later Linderman observe the grief reactions by people he was also treating and loved ones who have lost people in the Coconut Grove nightclub fire and ironically he saw the same also

I have Colitis symptoms from people who had lost loved ones in the fire but we're never able to grieve loved ones who died in the fire and the Rats really leads us into what is really important when it comes to our losses so you know understanding the difference between our wounds and our scars

and the washer with this audience you the story of the scar on my left thumb and was looking at my phone earlier today and again reminded of the story itself and you have never heard it before I just ask for your Indulgence here I was 17 at the time and I was working on a mock roofing project it was all designed to teach us kids no students how to shingle a roof properly before we get out on the job and I know you know like you know what to make mistakes I could cost a lot of money but anyway we're each assigned to certain tasks and my task was to cut smaller sections of shingles so they would fit at the end of each r o okay and it was about an hour before quitting time and of course I was with most of voidable accidents I was in a hurry to finish the job in a lie come on let's get this done so we can clean up and let's go home with my straight edge

and one hand in my utility knife in the other I began to score the section that needed to be cut

what was about the fourth pass that my knife seemed to jump across the straight edge and right across my left thumb and needless to say I finished that day in the emergency room with getting the seven stitches for my haste

however reflecting on that experience has taught me a lot about the natural progression of recovering from painful experiences cuz when I was cut I experienced you know the excruciating pain of a fresh wound after the paint was just on bearable

but in the days that followed whenever I accidentally bumped my thumb even though it was stitched up and everything the pain and the blood reminded me that healing was still a long way off

Canal decades and decades later I'm still reminded of that day not because of the pain but because of the scar

and all of us have scars from previous wounds you know some are more obvious than others such as a wound from us a surgery or an accident and their other scars however that are not so obvious you know these scars resulting from a certain emotional and spiritual wounds are often kept it hidden deep within our hearts deep within our souls

I'm a very rarely do we permit others to touch these wounds because we've never healed from them

some wounds are still fresh even from five 10:15 or more years ago

in these incidences of the scars that remain

healing is still continuing but in other cases you know scar has never formed because we've never have allowed the healing process to take place because we're constantly poking at the wind where was scratching opening the metaphorical scab and we are reliving the painful memories all over again and you know whenever we do that when you can I hear your mother's voice that I say to you you know leave it alone unless you stop picking at it but what are we do we keep picking at it but end in as we're doing that we still apply the temporary Band-Aids of what's a prescription or illegal drugs and alcohol repression or denial or some other sedating relief cuz we don't want the paint

we also don't want the memory

but we have the pain in the memory

because the scar has not formed

ain't that the same process could be said regarding finding healing from the emotional wounds of loss and great a common misunderstanding that once we have a similar our losses you know we're going to go back to the you know where we were before the lost in our return to our original emotional and spiritual state or psychological state but this return to the way things were

does not happen

because we are constantly shaped and changed by our losses

because once we have experienced the loss whatever it is it could be moving because we we got a good job somewhere else and we have to you know leave the past behind us or family members and friends and so forth or we say goodbye to a loved one whatever it might be whenever we have experienced the lost our outlook on life is forever altered by the grief we sustain

the reason for this is because our assumptions about life and the world in which we live have now been challenged if not shattered

and we've been accustomed to the routines which to find our daily experiences we get comfortable amount let's admit that we get comfortable we get used to the way things are we are never ever ready to say goodbye to a loved one even if we see their death impending

and we're never going to see ourselves and others are the world the same as we once did because we're pulled into the task of trying to make sense out of new circumstances in light of the old

I got instead of assimilating our losses into our everyday lives many people resist This Feeling by continuing to live in a prison of bitterness which is reinforced by familiar familiar patterns of abuse or familiar low self-esteem or feelings of unworthiness or feelings of contempt or jealousy or strike whatever it could be

but instead of looking for the potential of how can we be made better by our losses

we allow bitterness to harden our hearts and keep others out all the while cementing the anguish inside and hiding our tears

and the challenge then for us is to discover the courage to redefine ourselves in light of the pain and grief but still were compelled to ask this question and search for the answer you know is this whole assimilation process of wanting to work through our losses and our pain is something that we're able to do on our own or do we need help from others

I will come back to that one

you know today whenever I look at my thumb I see more than just a scar more than just a painful reminder of your time way back when

something we all have in common yet no two are alike you know some prints are what identify us as unique among other characteristics and these prints are probably one of the most distinguishable parts of our bodies the Hospital's record them as a means of identifying newborns and their mothers and certain jobs require applicants to get fingerprinted prior to employment and even people who have been arrested have their prints taken as a matter of legal record

and all that all our fingerprints are thumbprints can tell a lot about us

and so do our scars

show me all day they identify what wounds we have suffered as a result of the past accidents mistakes surgeries unfortunate mishaps being in the wrong place at the wrong time and so forth has the same thing could be said for our our grief are bereavement and we all experienced loss and grief throughout our lives but just has no to thumbprints are like so to do no two people grieve in the same manner were shed tears the same way or react similarly two parts of the loss but they are experiencing

Cancer Society as I said earlier you know where gotten better at this you know we have a long way to go you still do not do well with breathe we're getting there we're getting there

and in our losses you know there still this tendency to believe that what has happened to us is just so exclusive and we forget about the other side of the thumb that is however that change loss and death are Universal

there are events we all faced simply because we're human

as universal as the events are we can never minimize another's loss it's still unique to them however we can certainly empathize with them because of the shared Humanity

well there's an ancient story out there about a bereaved mother who had brought her dead child to a holy man to be healed I made sure it was he was located out of town high up on a mountain and you know she needed help to carry her son and so forth but she finally found this holy man and she just fell at the holy man's feet with her son and she begged the master to have pity on her and return her child to life

well to our surprise the master agreed to do so

but only if she would first bring him a mustard seed from a house in her village where death had not been

sounds simple enough initially the woman was excited either she thought surely there has to be at least one house where death had not visited at all and I learned then so she comes down the mountain just like I can do this I can find this and so she arrived at the first house and knocked on the door and asked if they had any mustard seeds for her and she was delighted when she heard that the family inside had plenty of mustard seeds to give her however when she told them that the seed had to come from a household where death had not visited

the family inside started to frown and they told her that they buried their father the year before

and they were just deeply deeply sorry well disappointed but still hopeful this woman moved to a second house and asked if I had knocked on the door and asked the family inside if they could give her mustard seeds had plenty of seeds to give her but when she heard that they also buried a loved one she couldn't accept the seat

and so on and on and on and on the woman went from house to house searching for a family who had been spared from death but to her dismay she didn't find one

and eventually she came to understand the wisdom of the master that death comes to all

I'm so silently she went back to the master she returned to claim her child's body and that eventually returned home to bury her in peace

how many years ago I had met dr. kendoka it was if you know anything about lost in grief literature or even palliative care and great he's done extensive research in this area of hospice in his office at the College of New Rochelle and the Bronx we talked about the importance of rebuilding our faith and philosophical assumptions that have been challenged by our loss by our grief and what impressed me the most about our conversation was how he explained to me how most of us live our lives according to our assumptions and how grief causes us to reexamine our core beliefs about how life ought to operate

you know from When We Were Young our lives are certainly build upon assumptions and expectations about you know how the world should work or when and how God should act or matters of faith and obedience and what about rewards what about punishment and so on and so on

what my favorite books besides The Alchemist in the dark part of a long on the radio show about The Alchemist one of my other favorite books is that an ancient story that's told of a spiritual journey of an Indian man and calls to Doctor Who Lived during the time of the Buddha and within Buddhism there is a belief that nothing is fixed and permanent in this world that other words everything and everyone is subject to change or even as the Buddha taught you know that we are in this continuous becoming

while we were fur to this is impermanent and if you ever sat beside a river and watched its flow you got the idea because you know water runs from point-to-point and around rocks and Fallen branches and finding the way of least resistance resistance should say the same time the river is not one continuous and unified flow now because the river of this moment is not going to be the same as the river of the next moment and it's going to be different in the next moment and the next and the next and this is where you know the saying comes from you know the ancient philosopher heraclitus that you cannot step into the same river twice for the other waters are ever-flowing onto you

and that is so true

the same philosophy can be applied to our lives that none of us remain the same throughout our years that we may think that we're not changing but we are from various stages in our lives you know from childhood to adulthood to old age you know we are just not the same at any given time the child is not the same when he or she grows up and becomes a young adult nor when he or she grows up and and ages and becomes elderly

and while it is true that we live from moment to moment we tend to forget that each moment leads to the next

impermanence and change our our just very much undeniable truth of our existence

well if you're looking for a very nice book to read this summer

I recommend Joyce rupp's praying our goodbyes on a spiritual companion through life's losses and Sorrows praying our goodbyes and Google her last name ruff r u p p and what really got me hooked on this book that was not just a title but how she starts off the book in general because she notes that although we do it often we're not very good at saying goodbye

and he goes on to explain that and we typically say goodbye anywhere from 20 to 30 times a day and these goodbyes can include saying goodbye to loved ones as they go off to school or work now okay goodbye or say goodbye to people we meet at random grocery store or wherever even saying goodbye to another whom we've been talking to on the phone

now these goodbyes do not seem to trouble us because we always tell ourselves that well I'll see this person later or I can always pick up the phone and hear their voice one more time

but what about the good-byes that do trouble us such as our farewells to loved ones upon their death

these goodbyes trouble us deeply because we may not be ready to come to the closure that the word means we want more time and we want to be in charge of when and where we take our leave

but you know it's quite interesting that the original meaning of the word goodbye was never intended to be something permanent

you know it's actually broken down you know from an Old English word God be with you God be with you and you can hear the word goodbye in that and so the original intention of the meaning of goodbye was well until we see each other again God be with you

okay and we even you know churches have familiar saying a benediction you know that goes something very similar to it like you. May the Lord watch between me and thee while we are absent one from another

that's a meeting same understanding but it's this concept of you know we're going to see each other again but until that time may you walk in peace and Grace and may God keep you safe so I always take comfort in that that you know saying goodbye to a loved one even though we always want more time with them or we're just not ready to say goodbye or we can't believe what had happened that we're going to see them again

that our goodbye was not a final goodbye it's a until we see each other again God be with you God be with me

found a key component to any kind of pain and the tears that we shed from Pain physical and emotional psychological spiritual is lost in grief whatever we experience change in our lives even the slightest change packing up and moving because we got a better job or let's say it another month or so kids leaving for college again or or or something whatever the transition is we also experienced a degree of loss from what was once familiar

and this result is a grief reaction on some personal level and so if there's anything that I could just impart to you this day is this concept this Mantra that has guided me very well

change equals loss equals grief

change equals loss equals grave

now the change or changes in our lives should not be viewed as something necessarily negative effects on changes are for the better

weddings bar mitzvahs confirmations a new job moving closer to family are moving further away from family even having surgery to correct an illness or stab off save off a spreading disease this is more like transitional moments in our lives however all of these life experiences and others as they are all elements of both sorrow and loss and hopeful expectations in them

we often think of events likes a high school or even college graduation ceremonies as marking and ending but it's not

because commencement as the name implies also marks the beginning you know this beginning you know can be understood as turning a new page in our lives and do opportunities

unfortunately tension comes in with that when most people fail to recognize and dealing with many life changing events we have a deep desire to remain and enjoy the familiar

and even though we may recall our struggles and heartbreaking moments in in high school or college or a job or whatever the situation is you know at other times we missed those days when our biggest concern was whether or not our friends and sweethearts would notice acne at a dance

but still you know on the heights of expectancy we cannot Overlook the fact that we also need to grieve our loss of what once was so whatever I counsel others who are struggling with symptoms related to their loss of grape I saved like depression or anxiety or just general negative feelings about life sooner or later the subject turns to Los

I'm more than just the death of a loved one their other losses we experienced just as a result of changes that life demands of us

and then reflection on the clients who come to me and always has to have my asked myself what losses have been the most difficult for them

what losses have been the most difficult for me

how old were they when they had their first lost how old was I when I had my first loss what do you remember about it

how did they feel about it at the time how did you feel about it at the time how did I feel about it at the time

and what part of themselves did they lose and how much of themselves do they wish to have back again

and so on and so forth well you know some people in the remote Villages of China have a custom that whenever a woman is married she is given a double-sided mirror by her mother died when the groom arrives at her home to take his bride to come back with him and live with his family she is told to look at her face in the mirror as a reminder of her past

help who she was where she has come from because she's never to forget her family her Heritage but yet halfway on this journey to her husband's home she is then told to turn the mirror over and again look at her face but this time instead of remembering her her past she is to see who she is our present as well as the future as a wife as a mother

while not necessarily from China many of us often struggle with our own double-sided mirror we find it difficult to see ourselves in the present let alone the future because we have trouble getting beyond the past in our wounds have a way of keeping us from turning the mirror over

and yet

just by understanding that therein lies the healing from our losses can we see who we are yet to become

can we see ourselves capable of healing capable of living a life of wholeness and peace and can we see ourselves as playing a part in life in which many many more Generations will come after us

dr. James how can you have been listening to reclaiming authenticity B you to join me next Friday at 3 p.m. Eastern Standard Time noon Pacific Standard time for another broadcast of reclaiming authenticity until we talk to each other again or see each other again God be with you bye bye

or just leave a thousand comments or product to buy a book by dr. hope it's all there just wander on over to reclaiming authenticity. Calm and we'll see you next Friday at noon Pacific Time on PBS radio TV