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Reclaiming Authenticity
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The Exquisite Witness Living In Sacred Neutral

Reclaiming Authenticity with Dr James Houck

The Exquisite Witness Living In Sacred Neutral

Reclaiming Authenticity

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Reclaiming Authenticity: The courage to reclaim that which has always been in you.

No matter who we are, where we were born, and into what family we were placed, ours is a world full of relationships. Indeed, we are social beings who spend our lives making sense of our world by trying to find our place in the world. As social beings, it is often within the context of relationships that we experience tremendous pain and suffering. From overt acts of betrayal and cruelty that someone may have inflicted against us or vice versa, to simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time, many people bear the scars of physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual wounds. And yet ironically, just as we experience our woundedness in relationships, it is also within the context of healthy relationships that we find our healing and authenticity. The difficulty, then, is often finding the courage to discover that which has always been in you.

For over 25 years, Dr. James Houck has been helping people discover their authentic selves by integrating spirituality into their mental and emotional health. As people are able to integrate these disciplines, they often discover core issues that have been keeping them wounded in relationships.

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Weekly Show
BBS Station 1
Friday
Starts
2:00 pm CT
Ends
2:55 pm CT
Show Transcript (automatic text 90% accurate)

and now with over 25 years of experience mental health. Dr. James Howard<br>okay well good afternoon everybody wherever you are in this world at this time welcome to the last day of April here we are all my gosh where is the where is the Year let alone the month going where is the year going and yeah hopefully your April was nice for you is nice and pleasant where we eat where I live we've had some pretty interesting storms interesting weather but it's unfortunately felt like July we're not quite ready for that but hopefully it'll settle down and get back into more like spring-like weather instead of threatening us right away Into Summer but at any rate good afternoon everyone welcome to reclaiming authenticity finding your courage to reclaim that which has always been in you very excited to be with you here today and every Friday at 3<br>p.m. Eastern Standard Time straight up noon Pacific Standard Time and every time in between so each and every week these broadcasts for those of you who are new to the program these broadcast focus on the integration of spirituality and our mental health and it's all within the context of our relationships with our selves with others and God or the Divine and the reason why I place this integration right in the context of relationships is because we are social creatures okay we are relational beings we do not come into this world without being in a relationship and we do not believe this world it without being in relationship okay because whatever we think about it we all can receive our deepest physical emotional psychological leaving spiritual wounds in and threw a very hurtful relationships however we can.<br>cover our greatest healing and strength and peace and forgiveness and love through healthier relationships can I have these relationships don't have to be either we don't have to search far and wide for that because they could be right within our own families or Ogar co-workers or our friends because the interesting thing is that whenever we find transformation we also transform others by our presence and our Grace and our understanding but first forgiveness kindness compassion begins with how we treat ourselves because whenever we are compassionate with ourselves we can then be compassionate with others and whatever we are more forgiving of ourselves we can then be more forgiving with others and when we are able to live in gratitude with ourselves<br>we then discover how this opens our hearts to see and live in gratitude with others however the same could be said if we flip it around that when we are compassionate with others what is keeping us from being compassionate with ourselves or let's say if we are able to forgive others what then is keeping us from forgiving ourselves and when we not appreciates how somebody else lives in gratitude and is very generous with their time or whatever resources they have that also opens up our hearts to to be able to live in gratitude with ourselves and enter really understand what's keeping us from bringing that out what's keeping us from living in gratitude is it unforgiveness<br>is it bitterness is it the need to be right versus being right relationships whatever it is you know what these things are just kind of shine a little spot light right into our parkour and they just show us where the work that we need to do so all-in-all transformation first and foremost begins with us I'm a big fan of those you're listening to the show and I'm a big fan of Carl Rogers and he is a psychiatrist or was a psychiatrist and the founder of person-centered therapy and he wants said one of my favorite quotes for him is he wants said when the other person is hurting or confused or troubled or anxious or alienated or terrified or when he or she is doubtful of their self-worth or they may be uncertain as to their identity then understanding is called for from us<br>and the gentleman insensitive compassion ship of an empathetic empathic stance sorry they're going to untie provides illumination and healing in such situations deep understanding is the most precious gift we can give to one another<br> so how do we do this and all this is exactly what this show is all about helping you to discover and ReDiscover and reclaim that which has always been in you well as I said good afternoon I am dr. James hauke and if you want more information about me or to leave me your comments about Today show I invite you to visit the website www. DDS radio.com reclaiming authenticity www.bpas.com reclaiming authenticity<br> and just in case you cannot stay the whole hour with me these broadcasts are also podcast in case you want to go back in to listen again or you can go back into the archives you know through accessing the website and listen to previous shows and if you would like to call in and be a part of Today Show I'd like you to call the toll-free line 888-627-6008 that's 888-627-6008 and share with me your insights and your comments on your thoughts on today's subject the Exquisite witness living and sacred neutral<br> well as I said at the beginning of the show you know for those who are new to the program I am a firm believer that all of us come into the world already equipped and graced with everything that we need in this life in terms of our giftedness our talents are strengths are character traits and so forth yet as we go along in life that may be due to some unpleasant experiences we may feel like we need to hide that giftedness what's special about us and so forth because we feel like well<br> there was really nothing to that or I may not even know my uniqueness or my giftedness yet or we may push that giftedness in those skills way down so that others cannot see it because perhaps those things that we once enjoyed doing were the subject of ridicule or subject of speculation or in a Subway it was downplayed or minimized or it wasn't appreciated or whatever it was that turned into a wound for us or maybe we were told that we would never amount to anything or whatever other voice we heard telling us that there's really nothing special to us and that's just a flat-out lie that comes from just a very wounded place in somebody else in others and as I was sharing with somebody earlier today that when people say hurtful things to us you know it's just<br> those are just words but it may if they bounce off of us and kind of fall to the ground like hitting Teflon we're okay but as soon as we take in those messages we integrate those negative messages and we start to believe those negative messages that's where toxicity begins to take root in us and whether is toxic things in US it has Tennessee to turn into bitterness unforgiveness anger rage whatever it is but it all comes from that place in us the toxicity of these messages that just minimize who we are truly but in reclaiming our on 12th off of Disney and our genuineness we have the ability than to reclaim and we stand firm and we walk in that kind of a a newness of life<br> and we we can approach our relationships through a place of healing or wholeness and we can embrace our a chair toss our uniqueness well last week this is kind of a part 2 from last week but last week I talked about the phenomenon called emotional intelligence which was brought to the Public's attention in the very popular Way by Daniel goleman and at others which ironically when placed in the context of careers or the workplace it really focuses more on what society would call the soft skills okay and they include interpersonal skills or how we treat one another basic decency<br> understanding openness teachability and so forth and over the years it has been interesting to see how Goldman's emotional intelligence has made its way into the the workforce okay and nowadays employer seem to be interested in hiring people with yes of course the technical skills like if you have certain skills in computer training or running a certain machine or whatever that might be for the job that you are applying to the other definitely interested in hiring people with the technical skills but also when people who possess emotional intelligence as well wear these soft skills and I remember I was counseling an older gentleman and he was one point in his life he's in charge of pretty much hiring and firing people for the company he worked in HR<br> and you know I just we got on the subject of the work that he he does and why he loves to do it and this emotional intelligence came up and he said to me he said look I can teach anybody a hard skill I could teach anybody how to run a machine I can teach them how to run a computer program or whatever it is but I can't teach them soft skills or these not technical skills that relate to how they work<br> yeah my day these include you know how we interact with our colleagues or how you solve problems or even how you manage your time at work and he said all these things have to be cultivated within so the effects of emotional intelligence have been measured in various ways within the workforce very very positive ways and then these ways include you know just providing like increased team performance and safety projects or whatever is is needed for the company or improve decision-making because you may not necessarily want to make a decision just based on code numbers but take into consideration the human factor and then the how your products or Services affect people and then the skills that are needed for that or it's also seen as an increased leadership ability you know one who is<br> not so much like a top-down but one who once the feedback from his or her employees they want people with ideas and good critical thinking skills or creative skills and so forth and also increases personal well-being where people feel like they're a part of a team or that they're their voice matters and as we going to just goes without saying but then when you have these things you're certainly going to reduce any kind of Staff turnover It's just sad that's got to be one of the frustrating things and in many companies is just me and we have people coming in and going out coming in going out and that takes a lot of time and resources and money to train new people as well as decreased occupational stress and these are all benefits of just having<br> emotional intelligence but emotional intelligence is not just limited to say the the workplace nor within careers and the direction I want to go today is that although as popular as emotional intelligence is there's a greater Dimension to how we often understand or react to our emotions, and that is how comfortable are we to sit with our emotions and resist the temptation to not only label them but also to resist avoiding feeling guilty about our emotions<br> in other words can we allow ourselves to be an Exquisite witness in living in sacred neutral<br> well the first time I ever heard this phrase Exquisite witness it was when I went I met the doctor Shep Jeffrey's at a summer graduate course on loss and grief that Loyola University in Columbia Maryland which is just outside Baltimore<br> and I'll never forget it it was a warm you know kind of like mid-june day and I was the first one there cuz I was coming from out of state and driving down to Columbia and I got there and Shep was already there and he's getting the room arranged and getting his files together and so forth and I remember walking in there and I saw that the chairs were placed in out like a semicircle<br> and boxes of tissues were placed every 3rd chair and Shep was very polite and very very polite and very approachable very just the just a nice nice man and you know he kind of looks like Luke Grant from The Mary Tyler Moore Show and I mean cuz he just wore of the you know like the white short sleeve shirt I kind of like the shovel tie and black plant back be a black pants white socks and black shoes and Nike was he had like the big hairy arms like just look like Luke Graham and yeah I'm just thinking to myself oh my gosh what is this guy going to teach me it was going to teach us and we don't have to be in this class for the next four weeks you know three times a week and then it's just going to be awful going to be so academic<br> and I just get a gray quietly took my seat and just got myself ready for class to begin and the ship he just sat there you know what the front I need to set the quiet week with a very calm expression on his face and greeting everybody who came into the room<br> and the expression on the people's faces my classmates were just Priceless because the first thing they did was they just said hello to the shop and then they looked at the tissues and everybody including myself scoffed at these tissue boxes you know everybody thought I can't write I don't need those things you know you ain't going to make me cry right well<br> little did we know that we are grateful for those tissues because once we were all there and I called attendance and all that stuff and that was fine he took the first hour of class and he shared his own stories of loss and pain and anger and grief and frustration and healing<br> and before the hour was up we're all diving for those tissues<br> and the only lessons I remember extensively about that four week course we're two things<br> shut taught me about change equals loss equals grief which means any kind of change in our lives whether it be the death of a loved one or a good changes are going to kick up a sense of loss in our lines of what we once knew and wherever there is lost in our life is has to be grieved okay and the second thing that's I learned from him was his teaching on being an Exquisite witness and being an Exquisite witness this way he says the Exquisite witness is a healthcare pastoral or volunteer care provider who enter is the Sacred Space Between Two human souls and yet having the deepest respect for the yearning seeking Wishful hopes of the other to diminish pain and survive in a new world<br> after a loss<br> the term Exquisite witness and encompasses my beliefs regarding the role of anyone who steps forward to help a grieving person a medical or mental health professional a teacher funeral director fire police or rescue Personnel Employee Assistance counselor a medical receptionist or family member who beat who becomes the home caregiver can certainly assume this role<br> an Exquisite witness might be a friend someone from the faith community who comes to visit the family or even a surgeon who stops by the recovery room after removing a tumor and then proceeds to reassure The Waiting loved ones what extinct what distinguishes an Exquisite witness is not ones level of training but rather one is willingness to approach another human being with compassion and deep respect for that person's needs fear and grief<br> Exquisite nature of the interaction is in measure definitely in terms of respect care honesty and the ability to truly hear and understand The Grieving person's anger and confusion it may take very little time A Gifted psychiatrist who am I accompanied on rounds for a medically ill patients at the Johns Hopkins Hospital was able to conversation to answer patients concerns and make them feel cared for respected and hopeful<br> and I've also seen a member of the household staff of the housekeeping staff on an impatient AIDS unit, and agitated patient with a smile and a casual conversation about the Baltimore Orioles lineup<br> the term witness directs the care provider to understand that the grief Journey belongs to The Grieving person whether he or she has lost a loved one or has chronic terminal illness or has been admitted to the hospital for tests or as a loved one who is ill or dying or has new job responsibilities in a reorganized workplace<br> but as a witness we observe more than we act we listen more than we talk and we follow more than we lead witnessing celebrates the dignity and authority of The Grieving person<br> and what makes his Exquisite witness very effective is that Shep placed within all of this he placed the Exquisite witness right in the context of what he called a head hand and heart dimension<br> he said that an Exquisite witness must address personal loss issues or the heart Dimension and is knowledgeable about what to expect from grieving people the head Dimension and one who has the skills to respond both usefully and reassuringly or the hands Dimension so the head the heart and the hands<br> and I tell you when I finally finally understood the the depth of what is the Exquisite Witness<br> it radically shake my life it was something that I had never heard before but I liked it I liked it so much that I embrace the head Heart and Hand the mention of how do we live this out how do we Embrace let's say even the emotional intelligence in our lives<br> but you know how unfortunate is it that in some societies and even you know United States that there is still much fear around emotions. There's a lot of confusion South lot of confusion out there that emotions are the enemy. To to be emotional is just wrong you know you do get a grip on yourself stop that just piano get a handle on things and this unfortunately is is you know it is often the case but it shouldn't be this way because we all have our god-given emotions you know that such things as anger and joy and sadness and fear and disgust and surprise and anticipation and happiness. Just to name a few<br> and just as we've come into this world with the the best of ourselves in terms of our mental dimensions in terms of our physical dimensions in terms of our spiritual Dimensions we also come into this world with the very best of ourselves that include our emotional dimension<br> and Daniel goleman himself the author of emotional intelligence he he states that feeling emotions is what makes life rich and indeed our lives are often comprised of many changing emotions and this is very true you know that whenever we are able to understand emotions we often realize that emotions provide us important information about our needs and the needs of others<br> but it's important to understand how we handle our emotions you know ours and others that can really uplift really support or can truly destroy a relationship<br> you know cuz the intensity of our emotions so I can certainly cause us to say or do things that we will later regret I'm back whenever our emotions are strong they can actually prevent us from speaking the truth or sharing things that have deep meaning for us you know because oftentimes we just simply do not have the words to express what we are feeling<br> well the author of the book say what you mean orange a chauffeur he states that emotions are multifaceted and they're typically felt in the body and if you do you understand what he's saying here you realize that emotions can be quite intense and we can feel them quite intense like you do in a physical sense<br> I just think of it this way I can have the option of anger or fear or pain we might have a tendency to lash out at loved ones or somebody else or we ourselves just might have been on the receiving end of somebody who's experiencing strong emotions but just does not know any other way to express these things well<br> we have to believe that emotions are the enemy you know they just don't have a place in today's society they don't have a place in us you know when if you're going to be emotional then go somewhere else and and we get condition even thinking that we either want to run from them or hide them or we've been told not to really trust our emotions and I usually say that when it comes to especially in the world of addictions and why people will use alcohol this way or drugs or or some other form of addiction could be gambling anonymous or whatever that people often want to feel something or they want to feel nothing<br> the owner said that if we want to feel something it just means that we are just so shut down with our emotions that you know whatever the addiction is it makes us feel like we're coming alive because we can feel something or perhaps we feel nothing or we want to feel nothing because you know the emotions are just raw or pain is just excruciating you know the emotional suffering is just unbearable and we just don't want to feel any of that but either way<br> when we either want to feel something or feel nothing because of things just being so overwhelmed I don't think you know if it keeps us from labeling our emotions for in a fever positive negative good or bad and I'll because I think of it this way we're either pulled into our past because of previous wounds were we fear it again in the future I mean either way these extremes keep us from being fully present with one another<br> well I would really love to hear your heart on this matter they said we all have emotions so I invite you to call in and let's talk about this size spiritual side of emotional intelligence walking the sacred path so if you would like to call in the number is 888-627-6008 and I will be taking your calls after the break again you are listening to reclaiming authenticity and I'm your host dr. James hauke I'll be back with you in 1 minute<br> okay welcome back I'm dr. James how can you are listening to reclaiming authenticity just want to give you a little heads-up about next week's show it's entitled walking the Journey of forgiving nests walking the Journey of forgiving this yeah we'll talk about forgiveness will talk about what it means to be forgiving but what does it mean when we claim this identity of forgiving Ness and what is this new identity that we take on when we embrace our forgiven this and how we walk in that just like how do we walk in in gratitude where does that come from how does that you know flow out of us and then what's parks and what touches it off so well tune in Next Friday 3 p.m. Eastern Standard Time and noon Pacific Standard time for walking the Journey of forgiving Neff<br> well earlier in the show I was talking about how often we believe that our emotions are not something to be trusted that we are told that they are going to be downplayed or there's a weakness to them if we happen to be emotional a certain time or a certain context and so forth but there is this Exquisite witness to living in Iowa say say sacred neutral nest of our emotions because we ought to get pulled in many directions many directions with our emotions<br> and so as I also mentioned in the first part of the show the Exquisite witness was a term that I had learned from one of my teachers Chef Geoffrey and you know he was talking about it's it's he used the term I should say Exquisite witness that and Compasses his beliefs regarding the role of anybody who steps forward to help anyone or he put it in the context of helping a grieving person and then he also broadened it then he said look any of medical or mental health professional teacher funeral director fire police Rescue Personnel on a medical receptionist or a family member or with Braun that even further about the next door neighbor<br> or how about somebody you've never met before you know somebody who becomes this Exquisite witness where you know I could be a friend but you know somebody who is right there at just the right time and could have been an answer to one of your prayers but it's this willingness as he put it to approach another human being with compassion and deep respect for that person's needs fear and grief so you're just in terms of relationships being an Exquisite witness really turns just what Society thinks about being there for others not really turns it on its head because how often are we in relationships with others and you know very quickly it might just enter into our minds but yeah<br> will you sit with it more then you know we got to do something about it but how many times does you know we we see somebody and we're looking at them and or or whatever and it's quickly the splashes what can I get from them you know what do they what do they have that I can get from them okay and it doesn't have to be anything materialistic is just you know something that we admire in them and it's like oh okay I'm attracted to that person so I've met yet because I can get something from them instead of what can I give them<br> okay so I mean being then Exquisite witness so you know as this we approached another human being with compassion and deep deep deep respect for that person needs fear and grief we're coming at them we're approaching at them approaching them with this understanding of what can I give them what did they need in this moment not what they needed in the past or what they might need in the future but what did they need in the moment<br> but the place that puts us back into being an Exquisite witness with our emotions just sitting with them because they shared in the first part first half of the show that we often want to run from our emotions or we want to hide them or we've been told not to trust our emotions especially when it comes to us a pretty heavy duty decisions that we need to make it was like stop being emotional about other than just think cold and rationally and that may not always get out of shall we say Snoopy occasion and this is something that I often see and just dealing with people who are in recovery with their you know from whatever addictions that they had at the people who are get caught up in their addictions either wanted to feel something or they they wanted to feel nothing and usually it's a date this one of the field nothing because the other emotional pain is just<br> about just heavy can't spot them I think about it it's it's the hardest thing for many people is to sit with themselves without judging themselves<br> to just sit and be in that Exquisite witness place and just hold the emotions without labeling them without you okay well this is good this is bad I don't like this I like this you know but just allow the emotions to come up and allow them to speak to us because he is truly these emotions come from somewhere you know the joy comes from somewhere but also served as the anger so does the rage so does the disappointment so does the fear and so on and so on and so on these things just don't occur in the vacuum but they often can become our greatest teacher and they just point to something deeper and ourselves okay but the guy said the hardest thing for many people is to separate themselves and you know without judging themselves or without judging their emotions and you know there in lies this Foundation<br> with meditation<br> we have to just sit relaxed and the focus on our breath and allow ourselves to be that Exquisite witness with ourselves or of ourselves. The judge the emotions or whatever is coming up the thoughts whatever is coming up in that moment but allow them to speak to us and draw our Focus to deeper levels of awareness because transformation is all around us it's it's all around us it's it's continuous I like the cycle of death and Resurrection I mean each year we witnessed this site and I was just evident in the change of seasons and I was summer gives way to Autumn and which gives way to Winter then which gives way to Spring and then it gives way to Summer which gives way to Autumn and its way to Winter is just a continuous the seasonal change it's a transformation<br> and there's even a death Resurrection metaphor that underlines the work of psychotherapy in fact more often than not transformation occurs in the most unlikely places when we are not paying attention<br> well years ago I was in one of the mental health offices where I worked hung up just a large framed quote from the family therapist Virginia City are now Virginia since he or she lived she was born in 1916 and she lived during the time where let's say the still the Victorian era was going on and but the the world of psychotherapy was still a belt dominated field and Virginia comes along with her training and her her Brilliance and just wedding eastern and western philosophies together and she made it work and so she always started out in Family Therapy but do you know her if you ever read one of her books or if you're ever lucky enough to see one of her or videos believe she passed in 1980 and was at the lake<br> 80's look around 88-89 just like Carl Rogers she was the technique okay everybody wanted to emulate her everybody wanted to yell just imitate her but she was just so integrated with Nutella eastern and western approach philosophy to mental health and again she pulled it all into relationships and the quote that hung in that office that I saw a day and I just really started to yell to nag at me is this<br> I want to love you without clutching<br> I want to appreciate you without judging<br> I want to join you without invading<br> I want to invite you without demanding I want to leave you without guilt and I want to criticize you without blaming and help you without insult and if I can have the same from you<br> then we could truly meet each other<br> and thing after day like I said I I passed this quote but I never really stopped to read it, let alone understand its impact on relationships both within and outside counseling relationships so one day I was eating my lunch and I read and reread and reread that quote slowly and I remember thinking to myself this is a powerful say far too demanding but it's still a powerful saying too many conditions in changes would be required of people to reach this and and moreover you know I assumed it's so unrealistic the place this pressure on another person and expect them to keep their part of the bargain<br> because where I was coming from at that time in my life and in counseling and past role settings I've witnessed too many people including myself how many people making excuses for not wanting to be authentic in relationships you know I've heard things like I've been hurt and so you fooled me once and shame on you and then she hurt my feelings and so forth or you don't know what to what happened to me and on and on and on and yet there was something resonating within me something that was identifying with those words almost as if I had the truth staring me right in the face<br> and so the for the days and weeks that followed this kind of knowing inside of me to reclaim my own authenticity only became stronger<br> and I have to admit satirist words just pursued me like a shadow a little did I realize that I was reading her goals for her own life so as I said that the she was born in 1969 and Virginia was certainly ahead of her time but instead of viewing Humanity's problems is stemming from the neuroses of her day and she caught it she believed problems were the result of how people were unprepared to cope with life challenges whether it was the past or the present or the future and she used to say life is not what it's supposed to be it's what it is<br> the way you cope with it makes all the difference<br> life is not what it's supposed to be it is what it is the way you cope with it makes the difference hang and Superior believe that all people are equipped with the capacity for growth or transformation and continuing you know their education and their Endeavors and so forth and she really focused her technique on finding or helping people find their true inner self<br> Chang and the fact that could be said that secures life and her passion and working with people and then families especially was to empower them to live more congruent genuine lives and so it's a few listen to the beginning of this broadcast when I share it like that is exactly where I am a huge impact on on my understanding of what are these gifts that we bring into the world gifts that were recognized by the universe recognized by God recognized by the Divine you know as it reminds us some scripture you know before you were born I knew you<br> and and what does that look like<br> and I hope what what exactly did God or the universe see in us before we came into this world<br> until we have been gifted we have been graced we have been given our our skills and our talents and our own personalities and so forth and these are unconvinced again of that allow us to give expression in great diversity to the Divine in US<br> but how often do we allow like the wounded parts of society to dictate what they are comfortable and seeing or hearing and how often do we allow Society to just say well okay when it comes to let's say your emotions go somewhere else and do that okay but we're not really being true to ourselves if we exclude the emotional aspects of us but if we can learn how to sit in that sacred neutral and we can learn to be the Exquisite witness with ourselves we allow ourselves to be<br> without making excuses we allow our authenticity to come forth we we allow it nor our true voice to be heard then be fine it is the cry after the death of our soul and you've heard me say this many times is this is very contagious because whenever we acting authentic ways we're giving people permission to also be authentic as well as we're comfortable with our emotions and expressing our emotions were actually giving others that permission to that I can handle your emotions I am not going to be offended by them I am not going to be afraid of those emotions because I understand that they're coming from a much deeper deeper place in you<br> well<br> authenticity is still foreign concept to many people and even though the society doesn't know what to call it ain't many people are attracted to genuineness and desperately want more of it in their relationships it's just how do I do this and I said what I said with families and say this is what is actually your you're telling me yes you want things to be better yes you want to stop arguing yes do you want communication skills yes you want trust and all that I get that but what they really want is to be in an authentic relationship with one another well they don't have to hide who they are or how they feel or whatever else they said they need to guard or protect themselves from<br> okay but you know what in the Sensei just not just in families but everybody you know who we all ask this question you know just how real can I be with somebody else<br> yeah because it's one thing to look at ourselves in the mirror and we just like okay. You all right but it's also another matter altogether not to succumb to the opinions of others and that also includes our emotions you know it's like you know men should not cry men do not need to be emotional but the only emotion that men can express his anger and as as a man that's the total crock I have lived under that distorted image for many years thinking like this is how men should be you know the only expression we expect that a man is Anchor and that's just that's just wrong cuz I've had some very wonderful men in my life who is very nurturing very kind of strong opinion yeah and The Times They also got angry but yet they had this<br> gentleness they have this gentle strength about them as well because they knew who they were and they weren't living based on somebody else's opinion the same thing that is true for women you know not to allow yourself to just fall under the opinion of others just simply because well these are the expectations of society and therefore we need you to act a certain way so that we are comfortable with that and again. Just you know tries to sweep authenticity under the rug so I mean too often we live our lives under this bombardment this is Relentless bombardment of another person's condition for acceptance<br> and Superior also used to say that we must not allow other person's limited perceptions to Define us and then we think about it you know where raised with so many conditions that are placed on love and relationships or or the right kind of performance and perspectives that we often approach life with ya just worse were suspect we always are thinking like okay what's the catch well in his book Return of the Prodigal Son Henri nouwen he paints a picture here that's that just demonstrates just how I'm fulfilling conditional love is and he says at issue here is the question<br> to whom do I belong do I belong to God or do I belong to the world many of my daily preoccupation suggest that I belong more to the world than to God because a little criticism makes me angry and little rejection makes me depressed a little praise raises my spirits in a little success excites me it takes very little to raise me up or thrust me down<br> and often times I feel like I'm a small boat on the ocean completely at the mercy of its waves and all the time and energy I spend and keeping some kind of balance and preventing myself from being tipped over and drowning shows that my life is mostly a struggle for survival not a holy struggle mind you for the Nexus struggle resulting from the mistaken idea that it is the world that defines me<br> so as long as I keep running about asking do you love me I mean do you really love me<br> I give all the power to the voices of the world and put myself in Chains because the world is filled with IFS<br> the world says yes I love you if you are good looking and yes I love you if you are intelligent and I'm and I love you if you are wealthy I love you if you have a good education or a good job or good connections I love you if you produce much I love you if you so much and I love you if you buy much<br> however there are endless it's hidden in the world's love<br> these steps and slave me since it's impossible to respond adequately to all of them<br> because you see the world's love is and will always be conditional<br> and so as long as I keep looking for my true self in the world of conditional love I will remain hooked to the world trying and failing trying and failing at trying again<br> it is a world that Fosters addictions because what it offers cannot satisfy the deepest craving of my heart<br> well certainly in my work as a mental health therapist nope Astro professional I assist people to become more authentic in their relationships that were in to take an honest look at themselves and consider what role and what responsibilities that we have in relationships because too often people in general we want to blame others for their own mistakes so our problems are sleepless nights and emotion but you know if truth be told cording to the band the Eagles what's up with the lyrics here so often times it happens that we live our lives in Chains every never know we have the key<br> I got this this philosophy sounds great but it also takes courage to turn the key let alone step outside the chains and walk in a newfound freedom<br> this is a very similar metaphor that's found in Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol yes I know it's the end of April but just follow me here okay Charles Dickens was deeply disturbed by the way the poor were being treated in his day and his writings often viewed were often viewed in response to the British government to no changing the welfare system known back in those days as the poor laws which require children to work in 10 mines and factories and Welfare applicants to work on treadmills and machine engine power you know turned by walking<br> and in Dickens eyes the Industrial Revolution drove many people into poverty and yet while at the same time like electing its obligation to provide Humane social services and this is the whole reason why he wrote A Christmas Carol it was to show just how Ebenezer Scrooge was just way down by the chains by he'd ever realize that he had the key well authenticity allows us the ability to move past this preoccupation of things that are beyond our control as well as to abandon unnecessary concern so preconceived notions of others with respect to ourselves I mean in short that is the ultimate form of empowerment and responsibility<br> so discovering our authentic selves as well as the Daily Commitment to live congruent late and living in a sacred neutral being that Exquisite witness we experienced firsthand personal freedom and the responsibilities that it produces<br> when dr. James how can you have been listening to reclaiming authenticity I am glad that you had spent this hour with me and invite you to tune in that every Friday afternoon at 3 Eastern Standard Time noon Pacific Standard Time and as I said if you want to shoot me an email or leave me your comments visit the website the www.cbs.com reclaiming authenticity well until we talk again everybody out there be safe be well and by all means behave yourself all right take care and God bless<br> or just leave a thousand comments or product to buy a book by dr. hope it's all there just wander on over to reclaiming authenticity. Calm and we'll see you next Friday at noon Pacific Time on PBS radio TV<br>