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Bringing Intimacy Back, September 26, 2019

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Bringing Intimacy Back
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with Dr April Brown and guest Dr Jamie Sterling

Bringing Intimacy Back with Dr April Brown and guest Dr Jamie Sterling,

Bringing Intimacy Back

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As we look around in this world today, it seems we are becoming more disconnected from one another, even though we have the technology to connect to more and more people than ever before. Furthermore, the lack of intimacy (in its many forms) is one of the top three reasons why relationships struggle and many times end.

Thus the Bringing Intimacy Back talk show is a show dedicated to inspire, enlighten, and encourage intimate connections. This show provides an engaging atmosphere to discuss and demonstrate ways to enhance intimacy in one’s personal relationships with significant others, families, friends, Higher Power, and oneself. The show will discuss intimate connections in many different forms, such as sex, communication, emotional, physical, health, and spiritual. In fact, research has shown that as we increase our intimate connection with ourselves, our Higher Power, and others.  It will help decrease the conflicts, anxiety, and depression in our lives.


Increasing intimacy for all has become Dr. April’s mission. The mission statement of the show is to provide an atmosphere to discuss and demonstrate ways to increase closeness in one’s personal relationships with significant others, families, friends, Higher Power, and oneself. Therefore, Dr. April started in February 2018 to host her own new Radio/TV Show Bringing Intimacy Back where she and other intimacy experts will provide resources and tips on increasing intimacy in all types of relationships. Audience members will be able to transform their relationships through relationship experts’ insights, useful and practical resources, role-playing, and audience participation. The show’s goal is to show its audience members that intimacy can be alive and real in the relationships we desired.

Show Transcript (automatic text 90% accurate)

feeling lost and alone looking for validation from your partner only to find the feeling of rejection and continued frustration are yet so far apart now your frustration is turned into disdain and resentment your insecurities have begun to affect every aspect of your life ironically you have now become the cold and detached one shielding yourself from the uncertainties of your relationships dr. April Brown has created bringing intimacy back a series of discussions that are designed to help you reclaim what you have lost along the way dr. April will help you ReDiscover and reconnect to the intimate relationship your heart so desires go to www. Bringing intimacy today and let the healing begin
welcome to the bring intimacy back so thank you guys so much for joining us today and we're here and on the show intimacy is real and on the show we aim to help you increase the intimate connection between your significant other children business Network higher power give you 2 secret power to intimacy. Yes and thank you guys for joining us today and today we have a very own special guest today
this person that we got going to talk to you about today it's such an a unique individual and she is like a gym in my life yes and so the topic today in the misty and children and family and here we talkin about today it's dr. Jamie Sterling and dr. James Dilley has a wonderful extraordinary history and working with children and working with foster children and the great thing about dr. Jamie it's when you meet her and when we start talking to her you can see how truly you can connect with the doctor Jamie thank you so much for being on the show with us today thank you for having me I'm so excited I absolutely am super grateful to get the opportunity to share you know something that's very dear to my heart which is children and families in offer you know whatever conversations we can have to make the intimacy in those lives
are so thank you for having me you know I keep saying that but then the years add on and on you know so well over a decade. Which is a unique concept that I'm going to let her explain but it helps with a precious ones foster children and that she know
no one else really to be born but many times were born and sometimes were born into situations that may be having a lot of different difficulties with and stuff and so they talked to Jamie had this passion and helping foster kids and she's going to talk about that yes can you talk about the Stone Center so that the best way I can explain what we are is a family support agency and so a lot of times there are mental health there are case management agencies that do offer a lot of Services Agency week we have specific services but when I say family support I mean Family Support so whatever everybody else says they can't help you with we're going to find a way we aim to rejuvenate rehabilitate families and in the foster care system
the children are there because those families are in crisis and so it's very very dear to my heart to try to offer the children in foster care the support that they need the foster parents the support that they need and then the parents that are struggling with addiction or whatever resulted in them losing their children so there are so many levels of care that we provide and and mental health support and family support it's pretty neat to see this family is thriving and happy after coming through really bad things so it's an honor for me to be able to facilitate that to lead my team and to just be a part of something great and with
like family to me I met her when she was a graduate student at helping her to that process and I just finished my process and we truly kind of bond yes and she has a passion which I'm working with children and how even as a family or as a therapist or as a role model how we connect with kids truly and pack house kids later on Kinect as I get older two partners and all that kind of stuff so that's the importance of why we're talking about this subject matter today yes Jamie has somewhat you little ones I do. They are eight and ten you know so there's often times where I take my you know therapist had off and say you know
what as a mom I can relate you know which is also helpful because my own family you know we've had our struggles and we've had to come through things to so definitely have my own and I think set a good example for them I hope so yes. Children how does that impact children as they get older in life so I think in general people when they hear the word intimacy
maybe naturally go to it being something romantic but intimacy is a very very broad term with many many many meanings and so when I look at intimacy specifically related to the family Dynamic I'm looking at the connection empowerment
awareness and involvement all those things that create a bond for intimacy and so those things if they are in place when when children are growing they have the foundation to have healthy relationships later so a lot of times adult struggle with intimacy on many levels whether it's for peer groups marriage you know social settings and in a lot of that is because maybe they were lacking that Foundation from home and their parents in their your childhood so if we can lay the foundation that's the the gold offer as many families support
because I think to a lot of times people think mental health will I have to have a severe diagnosis to go see a therapist not at all so we help you learn how to communicate how to resolve your conflict effectively these are things that every family needs to have in order to be happy and to be thriving so I think a lot of people don't seek support because they don't feel like it's necessary but it is and so are they feel embarrassed about it a salute Lee there's a huge sometimes I don't know if you've had people come to you who are
mom's you know who just had a baby and they're having a hard time with depression and feeling overwhelmed with breastfeeding and all this other stuff and I know Jamie you had to how do you connect when you're exhausted cuz of all the demands up a little that's right and if so having the stressors that we do today and I think in general life is so much faster right so women don't get the opportunities to just slow down and bond and connect with our little babies because of these pressures where most households required two incomes to survive now you know which is stretching mother is really thin because they're trying to be the nurturer the protector of the and they still also have to help with the finances so you know with
all of that being said having support or just having somebody say to you what have you done for self-care this week how have you honored yourself and it doesn't have to pick Abby 10 minutes but let's start thinking about how you can do something for 10 minutes every single day to honor you and so to keep them rejuvenated to be able to beat you know intimate with their babies and their children Buck okay I'm going to give it all to you so silly thing and I always tell people because when I say it or I give this example there like
oh my God I could totally do that but I'm like yeah that's it so for me I don't know how everybody else is after my day of work okay I have one Mission and one Mission only and that's getting in my nightgown cuz I don't like being in dress clothes like to be comfortable while what happens when I get home I have little children right everybody wants Mommy okay so what I have taught them is Mommy wants to hear about your day I can't wait to hear about your day let me go change
wash my hands go potty and when I come out we're going to sit and talk about your day so what was funny is after time they started to realize my mom needs that 10 minutes they weren't offended by it they didn't did they didn't in fact they started laying out my nightgown they were still getting their time but I had my 10 minutes to go potty to get in my nightgown cuz if I'm not comfortable I'm not going to listen to him anyways you know and it was it was just sort of a little traditional thing that we incorporated into our family that allowed me to be present in my conversation with them not thinking oh my gosh I have to go pee but you know I was
done and available to them and then they say get I'll be like so how was your day right so then they give me their 10 minutes right then they run off and they play they do their thing yeah I love that idea it's like you're being a Transformer you know because I gave them attention but they didn't have negative attention-seeking behaviors all night trying to get my attention through tantrums and that's a lot of stress for mothers and families okay so if you just organized the time and make these little fine tuning
everything runs smooth and I just I'm glad to be an invited onto this to be able to share it because when people hear that it's these little tiny simple things that make so now the kids have had my time and that they're begging me to go play there like Mom Saturday was fine it was great can we go play now and I'm I guess so then you know I do dinner dishes and their content everybody had their time so those are just a little tiny things that we can offer in family support
what you're saying Jamie doctor do you know when they are going to be able to get your attention and you give it to them then you know then that prevents the negative attention-seeking behavior because they already know hey I'm going to be able to sit down and talk with Mom and share with Mom you know in 10 or 15 minutes and I honor that and you know and they know they can expect it they can count on it and so there's you know a lot of times kids are starving for this intimacy they're starving for a connection so they may have Tantrums they may be doing things negative to get our attention
and it really what are we saying to them is that that's a negative energy that these families are living in not good for anybody and it's totally preventable I mean within just a few minutes of just collecting and having those intimate moments together yeah definitely I'm going to take a short break and when we come back I would like for you to people listening and I and my mind I kind of know what negative behaviors your kind of talking about but may not know like what is really a negative attention-seeking behavior so I would like for you guys to dressed and then we can talk more about different ways on how to stop those issues are different kind of strategies and working with kids that's all different so on this first commercial break here and bring it into Missy back I would like to talk to you guys about a new product and service that we're offering call vacation counseling
and vacation counseling is something that is a Couple's Retreat and it's a couples retreat that is unique because of the Couple's Retreat where you are not going to be within your home you come here to stop what's Florida when it's all vacation rental and therapist will be working with you or taking one couple at a time it's a selection process and we're working on Willie trying to help bring each person in in a relationship needs couple more connect we want to help you guys connect more to bring the intimacy back into your life so if you're out there somewhere and you're struggling in your relationship and you may think maybe I want to do a couples retreat well check out The Acacia counseling we're only taking 7 couples this year on the website ww.w vacation and it's it is the selection process so just look it up and check back with us
now I would like to go back now to talk about this negative behavior that you were saying that sometimes kids observe kids do just because they're wanting to get attention what does that look like for a young person a young kid like a four-year-old what does it look like for middle school or what does it look like so children will you know negative behavior is anything that would result in them being in trouble right so believe it or not
they're actually going to bed rather get in trouble to get your attention if they can't get it in the other way so if they're not getting it any other way they know for sure if they act out whether it's in the store having a tantrum because you didn't let them get a candy bar or you know they throw themselves on the ground and start kicking and screaming you know they have learned that in order for you to respond or react they have to do something bad so that's what they do at the negative attention in their mind is better than no attention you got it you got it so in that that becomes their normal right so mom looks at me and responds to me they don't mean to do it it's a subconscious thing we all have needs they have needs and as long as humans we're going to find a way to fill our needs and having mom look at you and engage with you even if it's through being in trouble is better than nothing
you know but here again that causing stress on the parent now because every time she goes to the store the kid has a meltdown and you know it's harder to bond and connect with the kid when you're exhausted from the behavior so this is a cycle that goes on and on because of the child wanting the attention
as kids get older it can be a lot of back talking you know just disrespect huffing and puffing if you want to call it you know just disrespectful ways of responding to you because they're hurting because they they want time with you you know so there are different ages and different things that kids experience but ultimately the best way to explain it is whatever they would be in trouble for and that's different in every house right so you know don't slam the doors and that's a rule right let's pretend that slamming the doors as a as a rule well if you're not paying attention to your child you can almost guarantee there goes down the doors because they don't care they want you to pay attention to them in some capacity so you each family is different but just whatever they would be in trouble or you would react to is what they're going to keep doing yes yes
how can I spend the time with these kids cuz I have to workout to do that I have to do this can't go and children that have their emotional needs met do entertain themselves right they play they go off they do their thing because they're not starving it's the children that do not have their need Matt who are attention-seeking and kind of always in your space so it's healthy to create okay so let's say a mother you know works and is busy and there's moments like for example in the car ride you got to drop the kid off to school or pick them up maybe you're driving them to support you know but maybe you make that 10 minute drive that you're going to do anyway
turn the radio off but the devices down if they're teenagers talk to Mom tell me what you have for lunch today I asked my kids every single day like which is somewhat of an insignificant thing but it's those little details that create intimacy right it's right so little things you know making that car ride the priority so you can do it you just got to you have to be committed to it create a little bit of a plan and stick to it and the results are amazing it was exactly the car life that we would talk a lot while I didn't even know that we got home but
conversation was still going at least out of the car and we still talk it's just the quality times like you said it's really important and with teenagers I think it's really awesome point is getting into that wall sometimes sit there and watch shows with their even though these were shows that I did not really as many times I was listening to get the conversation going absolute and if you can trying to make sure you show up to your kids event in my daughter never wanted me to have a middle still ya know what you got it
absolutely with foster children many times I hear people sing well I don't know if I should think about fostering because I never mind they're thinking wow it's all these kids that have all these negative behaviors
but as we just talking about it some of these kids don't have negative behavior some too but a lot of the negative behavior is because of lack of attention exactly exactly lack of attention and consistency
help synonyms of the rules and all that kind of stuff and chances are if they're in foster care now obviously there was a lack of their basic needs being met their structure wasn't you know there was a crisis that resulted in them being put into foster care and so you know they need structure and care more than any children and I have to say you know
the route the children that do tend to have
the most behaviors in the foster care system are those that have been bounced around so often
it's it's hard enough to eat to lose the connection with your own family but then to just not feel wanted or accepted it anywhere is devastating for them so
you know fostering over all the kids are very very sweet but there are a small percentage that do struggle you know I explain this to people in this exact way and when I explained it this way people understand and they're more patient so I say
for foster children
hypothetically let's say I gave you a ticket that was a symbol of your house tickets okay I give you a ticket for your house a ticket for your bike a ticket for your stuffed animal ticket for your relative siblings I give you a ticket for your school I give you a ticket for your daycare I give you a ticket for a soak up that you like to drink from I give you a ticket for your neighborhood
on and on and on and then I say to you and you're a little child
give me all those tickets right now give them all to me
that's exactly what they're put through they don't have anything that they did the day before nothing not a blanket not a toy not a bike not a neighborhood not an aunt or an uncle it's over it's taken from them at one time even adults can't manage to that capacity so how on Earth can we expect children to and so if they're emotionally distraught let's look at why and let's offer them the support and the compassion that they need to feel safe and to say okay so what color was your favorite got that home
let's go get you a blue cup I mean that's it it's something that small that's that's missing a lot of times so again resulting in those behaviors that we talked about
yes yet and I'm just thinking when when you said that it leaves me thinking up a little child that's just
doesn't know who to trust what to dress to get close to maybe not to get close to I mean their world is upside down absolute lie so when that child comes to your house and let's say they are screaming and crying well guess what maybe they need a night light but you know it maybe they're allergic to milk and and they drink milk because nobody guess what nobody knows nobody knows are allergic to milk maybe have a belly ache on and on and on so
this is part of my mission as you already know
that the way children come into care has to change and I'm working on that to wear
when they come into carrots done therapeutically and the right way and that we provide them the support that they need because the whole point of taking them out of a bad situation is to give them a better situation we don't need to be traumatizing them again as we try to help them right that's counterproductive so but yeah so then you know but but when I explained the people this is what they came through them there more patient so this family support concept when we don't just go see the the foster child I'll go talk to the foster parent how are you doing
let's talk about your self-care this is a lot let me explain to you why little Johnny is behaving that way and here are some ideas and some tips to help with that okay well now that foster parent has support the child everybody is getting support and their understanding how to make things run smoother and then they do when smoother but here's the problem
a lot of them don't get that they just don't get the foster parents don't get it and unfortunately children in the foster care system a lot of times don't get
the attention of the therapy until they're doing really bad things kind of like well that's kind of like get them help before they start fires right like let's fight with prevent it from getting to that point. They start fires but you know what I'm saying figure of speech you know so those that are very severe and they're struggling
will get the attention that's not the way that should be going if you're removed from everything you know you should have intervention immediately within 24 hours you should have some kind of ABBA support in place in my opinion so I'm working to create awareness and to make that happen like I'm dr. Jamie I would like for you to share with the audience about the Sterling House how that came about because ever since I've known Jamie and he's got these passion for these little about it and different opportunities are lining up to help her working on the mission of the Sterling House so yes
do you always stay the Sterling House which is funny because I don't have something with my logo in my reach but I would show everyone that there's a house in my logo so that's why dr. Brown always says the Sterling House and it just killed me I want to rename it because that you know what that would have been a better name so but the Sterling Center was created through seeing the suffering and knowing that things could be done better and knowing that
somebody has to stop passing the buck somebody has to be accountable somebody has to fight a really scary battle and I'm willing to do it I'm willing to do it and so we offer in-home therapy which is very important to intimacy we offer an office we do all sorts of family support we specialize in trauma we have a family counseling room here at the center we do supervised visitations therapeutic supervised visitation parenting on and on so we offer all services that help to facilitate Healthy Families
ask them to Stone Center is located in Fort Myers Florida and what's the website in the phone number for the Sterling Center so were the Sterling Center. Org so the Sterling Center. Org and the phone number is +239-273-027-0839 to 73027 0 should have family think about entering therapy okay excellent question cuz I also want to talk about families not necessarily in the foster care system because we serve All Families right and in fact I would love to serve those families before it became a foster care system situation
be great right so if families had support maybe they wouldn't have gotten to the point of having to even go to to a crisis right and then there's other families with more better functioning or higher functioning that also struggle quietly and everybody thinks things are fine and on the surface it looks fine but the reality is it's not fine and because there are no major mental health diagnosis people don't realize that a therapist can help you manage your daily stresses and scheduling and time management and other things that you don't have to have a mental health diagnosis for
it might just be something you're adjusting to her struggling with a short. In your life
but with services that you could get through so families nowadays are very diverse which I love I love so there's all kinds of different families you know we have
Multicultural families we have just every different the
I almost never see a dynamic a like like I have families and family doesn't have to even be a mom or a dad you might be it might be an aunt and uncle a family is not defined by whatever Society decided it was a family is who we share our home with and who is there for support and so the concept of family is so different nowadays but it's so beautiful and I think it's it's diverse and an amazing in those ways however all of those different Dynamics create different challenges so as people you know you're not supposed to know how to fix that if my car starts to not work I take that thing to the mechanic I'm not going to start trying to fix it cuz it'll never run out so you have to look at resources and stay for example one of the largest issues that I see is the Blended families right where you have two people
that are remarrying and they each are bringing some kids do you want to do some okay because they all have their own background and you're trying to blend them and everybody want so Blended families are or are probably the biggest struggle that I see also ending another failed marriage because there was no help or therapeutic support as you were working through those issues you didn't have the support the family falls apart now you're on failed marriage number two and all those kids that could have been healthy siblings and and learn to bond and a healthy effective way are now
what up again so blending families is really really tricky but it can be absolutely beautiful with the right support I'm thinking sometimes kids do some behaviors and parents nickel that just go out of it
you know it has a tantrum and they're eight and parasites are there just grow out of it are you know they're throwing things are kicking things and every other just go out and forgot just a kid but many times and behaviors are not within the normal range of that child age and developmental left on stuff and sometimes you need to get into bench and you need to get help and getting help that also means when you go for therapy it's confidential just totally non bias and no therapist wants to go in and take the parents road cuz I also hear that I don't want someone coming in my house telling me that so ultimately and I'm going to say something and you know me I'm pretty pretty straightforward but honestly I just don't know that there's any other way to get there
salt and so you know we're always sent in for the child you know who needs the help reacting to whatever deficit there
is happening in the parental role or in their life somewhere else so children are just reactive so if a child is still having Tantrums Beyond when they're supposed to we would identify what is the trigger what is the trigger and guess what it's different for every single kid so I don't expect the parents to be able to do that on their own because that's why you have professionals and you know we have certain tools
but anytime a child is acting out their reacting to A-
situation internally within them self it may not may not be directly from the parent maybe there's somebody bothering them at school but if you don't have that intimate relationship that regular contacts are not going to tell you about it the struggle it may not even be directly related to you as a parent but if you're not connected
then they're not going to feel safe and in bonded enough to tell you when those other things are happening so it's still becomes your problem essentially
you know if you're the parent and you're the leader you know you're in charge and you have to create these relationships that are intimate and that are connected to be able to figure out what is going on in as a therapist when we work with the children that's exactly what we do right so when the dialogue with us it's not that you're not in trouble we come in as how can miss Jamie help you honey I know you're struggling I see it let's talk about this okay if the parents could learn what we're doing which they can and I teach as many as I can how do you have conversations that are effective and non
authoritative because they'll see the child just spill everything to me and they'll be like a lot you know you never told me well let's talk about that you know let's learn how to address these issues and then when we do that the behavior stop that there's no medication there's nothing in the world that can replace
what we do I'm not saying medication isn't necessary in many cases cuz it is but in addition to the medication you have to have behavior management you'll have to learn parenting you have to hold other half of the coin that if you don't have your still going to have to struggle so what you're saying is that the parenting skills is something that also is a game in counseling because if you're thinking to yourself while I'm not really connected with my kid and I know there's still time and the counselors roll isn't to stay with your kid forever the counselors role is to help the cat with what's going on but helping the kid could not with a parent or a hundred percent correct so we need to facilitate and educate the parents
how to do these things when we're not there you know and I'll say you don't get to see you one time a week but what about every day when you're at home so parenting is probably my biggest focus at this agency because when the parenting is in line and they have tools when this happens consider this this in this their tools now they're building their toolbox so their life has become more manageable they don't feel alone and then the children's behaviors
stop and you do I get to witness so many people that go from struggling and stressing and sadness really to really thriving and I'm not saying that they don't have issues along the way life is going to present issues forever my goal is to give you the tools to navigate those you know that when this is happening bring out that tool because that'll help you fix it so I'm teaching you skills that you'll have forever you know which goes well beyond my time with them but what do you tell those parents of who has kids who maybe not have the physical behaviors that we're talking about but their kids are very withdrawn they don't say anything the quiet the whole time you get up yes or no I had not they going to the room and they're quiet maybe they're online a lot
and you know as a parent you like when my kid never really gives me any problem but hey I'm going to get to get over here and look at my Facebook while they play that video game but it's problematic and this show being about intimacy
really is so close to my mission because connecting to your teenagers are your younger children is absolutely imperative to bonding with them they're not going to come to you when they're
in trouble or considering doing something if you haven't checked them if there's not a regular dialogue then why would they come to you right so I hear parents say all the time while I just I didn't realize they were doing this or that I didn't I didn't see it I didn't know well because you weren't present enough now I'm going to go right back to the reality we're all busy we all have lives am I saying that you have to spend 6 hours a day when I'm going with your kid nope not at all you can create little tiny moments okay another really good one can you just want to hang out with their parents I didn't you know so
what you can do in your home and each family that I work with I figure out that family and ways that we can create stuff in their routine already that's another really good thing about Family Support and what we do its individual to that specific circumstances so I figure out okay this is what you guys normally would do we're going to create that on Sunday mornings from 10 to 11 a.m.
it's unplug time it's no devices we're going to sit here and eat waffles waffles every Sunday from 10 to 11 we're going to sit and nobody including Mom and Dad bring the device we're unplugging okay it's an hour an hour you have 24 hours in a day it's one time a week your teenager is busy you're busy to say so what's going on with you know this or that I mean you're connected and so just creating those little things and this is what therapist do is they help you to find your own little routine that facilitates that the kids can be the kids and we don't want to do it's natural for them and I'll give you a little explanation about teenagers and sort of why they start to go on their own is because their development requires that okay so let's chill
grow into a little young adult there when is preparing them to be adult so they start wanting to be around us less they start hanging out with us less and it's all necessary for them to develop into people that can make their own decisions right so and when I explained that to two parents all the sudden to they're like oh that's really good so no longer are they angry about and I'm Michael is at 18 they're supposed to go off and do their thing then at 16 they're going to challenge your boundaries right because they're starting to think about being a adult and so when I had to take them about development and that this is this is necessary
you would just be amazed at how things shift you know so these are the conversations that I get to have even regarding teenagers are young adults that are disconnecting and ways that we can reconnect a little ways and it's interesting that you mention challenging boundaries because I think with many parents and teenagers that's like one of the main struggles how do you deal when your teenager start to challenge that are the boundary and you can't just say do it because I said so you don't need a reason because then that makes the me that want to challenge and more shut them down is having a notebook
back and forth between me and my daughter yes because sometimes when you get so excited sometimes it's good to take your time check before you just completely respond so we would like notes to each other basically yes yes communication is going to be a lot of different ways yeah and I think that's really important when you're working with teenagers how to teach them how to express them self and effective manner absolutely stupid teenagers and like you said helping keep repair them for a childhood because I'm a Believer as a parent we are there first employers totally yes
that's right that's perfect kid to stay employed you know be okay on a job cuz it's not so much can you communicate respectfully can you resolve conseg zactly so we have to teach them all those things we are their first employer and then we come back I wanted to talk a little bit about when these kids grow up and move out the house the relationship there and then I'll so what happened to the couple and the sense of intimacy questions concerns you can always call in at 1886 to 76008 reacting to the show live every other Thursday we're on a podcast
find me on on the on the website on WW. Bring intimacy back but also you can find me on Facebook and Linkedin on bringing intimacy back and if you really like what you're hearing please give a click on like us and give us suggestions and stop and keep the dialogue going cuz that's what we really want to hear want to hear your feedback and we want to know if this is what you're needing out there so like this give us and we're on all the different podcast so what happens
when teenagers you finally do a good job you let them out the house
what is the relationship and you know the great thing about Jamie there which I haven't mentioned yet it's Jamie also has a very strong family background not only and it's making action with their kids which is a wonderful husband and then she also has a lot of it was not a lot of siblings. There's a big group of us bonded with the father and all that kind of Lisa house
can I go this is a really great question and it's something that let me just start by saying that as parents are whole identity becomes being a mom or dad so
there's a lot of ship that goes on in this empty nesting right and I encourage everybody to get support during these times because it's not only the children that are leaving and starting their lives you have another Phase 2 and so that can be really really scary and what we like to do is sort of refrain that in making a positive and making sure that you have the ways to keep connected to keep the bond in intimacy with your adult children they're always your babies but they're adults so one of the biggest suggestions that I offer is understanding going back to the conversation about boundaries that they are now adults right so you
you've done you've done the raising you've done all the lecturing you know you've done it you've you've planted those seeds and here's our little tree just hanging out in the world so the dynamic of the relationship has to shift into more of a support and not a critical authoritative tone so if you present as hey how's your new job going I bet it's going great and let's say hypothetically you know the job that didn't work out in a week ago you know your son got let go or something
your response to something like that is going to dictate whether or not you're keeping those connections because as an adult they they're their own person now and you have to respect who they are and not continue to try to mold I mean we are always there parent but we need to shift into more of a I'm here I respect your choices I honor your choices and if you need to talk or you need a hug you know where to get it so we can't be critical at that point your job is done as far as that now if you come and keep these connections positive they will reach out and look like so Mom I got let go at job and I just so lost I don't know what to do right now because you have a a tone of support and not on your mother and I'm disappointed in you and all that
they will open up the door to off to allow you to continue to interject some mindful things okay well you know give this a try look at that but they have in their development they are independent and they do not want to be criticized or ridiculed so if you want to keep an intimate connection with your adult children just taking the stance does a support person will help you know everybody be successful in that respecting that they're not you they're them right there them so you may not understand the decision because that may not be a decision you would have made it doesn't matter it wasn't your decision to make it was their decision to make and so now we support what their decisions are
yeah I think of you what you said this is definitely true having an adult child it is about respecting the boundaries totally yes yes and understanding but I also thought about this week and I communicate almost every day it's about all the time but it's also about her respect my boundaries and I respected her boundaries and being respectful totaling to it is that we have to and I always say in parenting to respect is reciprocated like even with smaller children you know if you can't stop and look at them and ask them what's going on don't expect them to do the same it sits and so we have to give each other that and model that throughout life but especially when a person is independent and living in their own lives and making their own decisions
if we are critical or too nosey they might say you know what I'm not calling my mom today cuz I don't want to hear it you know so I just got a shift the Dynamics so that it's a positive thing and then to like what you were saying with talking to your daughter everyday or your mother if you talk to each other regularly even if it's just for a minute
you know maybe your son's like oh my gosh there's this lady at work that's so annoying you know and he just gets to vent to you about it because you called and you can go oh man you know there's always one you know what's fun I don't care where you go in life there's always going to be somebody honey bless your heart you know what I'm going to pray for you because that is rough that's it right now you were just there for that one so the next time you call
the intimacy that connection you can go hey bud how are you annoying lady still there because you remember from the last conversation a little detail about his life you know it's those little things that keep people connected they don't have to be fixing it so you can live states away from each other but just you knowing that there's an annoying lady at his work is simple it's small and it keeps that intimacy and it keeps that Bond exactly enough that you really do yes because many times your life is centered around the kids and when the kids are gone you have to you know sometimes we have bent yourself or find things that you really enjoy and it goes all the way kind of back to what you said all the way in the beginning if you happened in the beginning when you start having kids have me time and learn how to
that's self-care totally and when they leave and if I a bombshell but I'm going to give you an example example of that so I enjoy going to concerts so my little daughter she's like
Mom you're getting dressed up where you going I go I'm going to go to a concert I'm excited and so she's like a mom I want you to be able to be like oh oh well you know what I'll be home later I'll make sure I give you a kiss when I get in and then if she continues I'll say something like your mother when you went to your friend's house last weekend and you had a slumber party and I was so excited for you to go have fun Mommy wants you to be excited that she's going to go have fun and I want you to know that Mommy deserves time with her friends too so you nailed it if we create that dialogue from the start and we honor ourselves in the things that we like it's not as hard when they do leave because you have your own things that you're still involved in a noise happen and it doesn't make you a bad mom or bad dad to get a break and go do something that you enjoy you need it and your kids need to see that you're modeling self-care because they're not going to do what you going to do what you do
I need you need to make it seem like adults being an adult is good and it's fine because of you make it seem like it's miserable and you're always complaining and stuff exactly yes thank you so much for being in the show and he can't my please tell us how we can connect with us telling that I'm sure you said Sterling Center hey thank you for having me everybody that's listening I just want to say before I sign off the doctor Brown has been a huge part of my life a mentor somebody that
I respect beyond measure and could only hope to be a fraction of the person that she is so true honor to be a part of this going to be sharing this time with you and you guys I just also have to tell you that she's very modest so I'm going to tell you guys how awesome she is and she's also very modest about how amazing her daughter is which is a testament to you and the dedication and raising we're talking about families and children and you raised an amazing productive precious girl which says a lot about you so I know you're not going to come out and say that so I have to tell everyone so thank you for having me and the Sterling Center. Org 239-273-0270 just take care of you and take care of your families this is the best thing I can say and I'm so grateful that I was given the opportunity to talk with you today
well thank you so much for being on the show dr. Jamie is there a way you can call me whatever you want and I'm head like I said go look on Facebook or any of the other social media we're on Twitter and all the others thank you so much everyone this is going to bring intimacy back show where in Tennessee is real

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