feeling lost and alone looking for validation from your partner only to find the feeling of rejection and continued frustration your together yet so far apart now your frustration is turned into disdain and resentment your insecurities have begun to affect every aspect of your life ironically you have now become the cold and detached one shielding yourself from the uncertainties of your relationships dr. April Brown has created bring intimacy back a series of discussions that are designed to help you reclaim what you have lost along the way dr. April will help you ReDiscover and reconnect to the intimate relationship your heart so desires go to www. Bringing intimacy back.com today and let the healing begin
welcome to the bring intimacy back so we're intimacy is real and today on the show we ain't she helped Kris intimacy and your relationships your relationship with your higher power business Network we give you the secret power to intimacy and on today's show what we're talking about is intimacy and sexual dysfunction I know I should but sometimes things just doesn't work right happened right and all that kind of stuff so but today I have a special special guest and of course she's been on my show a few times and I love having her and she's absolutely if you see her beautiful and not only on the outside but on the inside of April so excited to be back with you always have such a fun time and thank you again for opening up the space for us to be able to talk about sexuality openly I'm really grateful to be back in bring intimacy back
play it's so great to see you and stop and so as we start to show up can you tell us a little bit about your background
so I have been a psychotherapist for a very long time I've been in different fields you know I work in foster care of school psychology but now I am in the Beautiful World of Sex Therapy I started working with couples when I was practicing in Boston and it's just really interesting because when I started talking about sex with all of my clients I started to understand that it's such an important part of the bean place especially the relationship where is the only place where we want her mind to come going on vacation right now we have to be present as you know I'm really excited to just be able to provide Sex Therapy to my community and that's what I'm doing now yes so how did you even start in that too sometimes it's like a Buddhist to starting in to talk about sex but how did you even get interested in the field so I I was working for a group practice and one of my friends or so you know he's a sec
everything was going through the a sec certification he's appalled I have so many cases that I just don't have enough time would you like to help me and he took me under his wing and when I started learning about sexuality and one of the things as a sex therapist one of the most important that you also have to look with it right for you to be able to have good sex really challenge sex is dirty and touches bad and so it was such a nice bra this morning for me others understand sexuality and and it's been a wonderful Journey ever since specially in our culture and in your culture how is that even that topic even explored it's not okay
to quiet down their sexuality like the message for men is to perform right you no tapping into their emotions it's almost like a threat to their masculinity and I think when any type of sexual issue shows up imagine it takes man at 6 years before they come to a sex therapist for women you know same thing so I think I am Colombian woman you know there was no sex education there was only that it was okay to store your body yes you know they don't give us the message of don't get pregnant by a lack of sex education and you know if a woman is able to be sexually open unfortunately there's a lot of negative messages around that
especially for the man if he has any difficulties it's it's effective ego yes yes yes in a world where is fixed it and do it yourself kind of thing right eventually come to me they have tried creams pills variety of Partners you name it right and so I'm kind of like the last stop on the train but I really should have been one of the first stops yes it is about performing our not when they're not performing well then they blame themselves identifies themselves as failures and then that creates a really negative message to Jess Southworth and self-esteem right right and it just so many times I feel like they just told me but you are absolutely imagine if two people really what you just said
it's a pattern that I see a lot of women don't know how to talk about in men don't know how to talk about it I just delete it because he liked my MN conflict and when you just withdraw this really we're going to talk to typically about sex but there's sometimes really no intimacy and many times that's where you start create a type of intimacy which Instax how do you see intimacy so in order for me to see it I will have to Define it and I question that I always ask the people that are work with no Define what intimacy means for you for me you know there's this really great definition of intimacy is the perfect mix between vulnerability and Stacy
sexual spiritual intimacy is what makes this relationship you need is what the first this relationship from anyone else bility is a month is in intimacy but I'm also thinking when you're having sexual problems and it's so hard to even discuss that it was he who be more vulnerable you know that first yeah that he word yes it's just like yes yes cuz then you feel like it's something wrong with me what did I not do this and that and this is so much variety of different stuff and you couldn't have said it better if I think for a lot of my women specially when they come in they have identified themselves as the problem right at Cedar Point when there is conflict somebody tries to blame someone and blame is just an easy way to discharge discomfort
play me salsa quicker than self-reflection easier for me to say there's something wrong with you then maybe I'm not being intimate enough in this relationship or maybe I'm not being vulnerable enough opening up a space of emotional Intimacy in order for us to get to physical or sexual intimacy right right now I can create more like you said safety that's what yes yeah definitely so I swear I'm starting to talk about sexual dysfunction what do you define sexual dysfunction dysfunction is anything that gets in the way of you know of a development of sexuality write a sexual issues anything that just kind of create a barrier for you to enjoy this is part of of of yourself
it could be Environmental
medical do something that we know is that 80 to 90% of sexual issues sexual dysfunction sexual barriers however you want to call it, East psychological component 80 to 90% to understand is assessment have you had this issue lifelong have seen many clients and only one of my clients had actually a wretch erectional problems but he was a teenager this is Mom usually the KKK started happening after I went through menopause it started happening a situational I can only get an orgasm by myself but I can't do it with my partner generalize I can't have an orgasm
the situation regardless of Barner but maybe by myself so I think it's really important to understand what is this about right and it's kind of like the chicken or the egg kind of thing right because I'll give you an example for example vaginismus is now called pelvic floor disorder that are not in Florida Florida one of our busiest highways and I'm going to tell me a really bad accident my car store. I'm completely state next time that I'm going to get even though I'm in a new car I wasn't hurt at all I am going to be hyper-vigilant out when I'm happy that my body becomes to head up exactly with women vaginismus is when the muscles of the vagina completely closed off and stop and nothing can command not even my pinky finger
this is something that psychological because this person has Associated something with pain for example people that grew up in a very religious family that they say sex is dirty sex is this person decides to have sex before marriage they think they're not ready they close of the experience pain associated with many times a person is going to have a sexuality some issues can be medical there is medications that may cause for example answer the prices may cause delayed ejaculation age is a puppy that happens what do we know where can we get a little older for women the vagina walls thin out a little bit used to be for men you know testosterone
what's a Warren is not to compare to what it was like before but to find and no meaning of what feels good but I am a big believer. We need the mind-body right definitely people go to Quick Fix Ryan s buy more laundry let's play more toast without really focusing on the Mind what's keeping me from entering to this base with you like many times you won't get there unless you talk about it cuz if you keep it all in your head and just like oh my gosh are you laying there you like I'm in so much pain and put your face in time shows that yeah but until you sit there and talk about it and sometimes even talking about it with the professional
then you can kind of see the whole picture, what time worst was Wars is the people try to get there but with the wrong tools you're after you've tried and creams and let you know variety partner so whatever it may be lightning find new things on online how many times I've tried all these things and it has to work then there must be something in Navy wrong with me on what feeling. And that shut down your vagina to anyone about this because
Yeah Yeah Sandlot people please go to professional professional confidential yes yes but don't think that we are out there sharing the information and many times this stuff we've heard before but everybody still weighs a little different so it's not like you're going to shop your therapist it so you don't have you seen anything like this and like many times with a lot of money and I really do enjoy work with mine as well and I think you know how does what does it feel like talking to a woman about lack of a think of clinicians it's really important to bring that into the room but our first priority is your safety
it's something that we're going to keep in the room it's between you and I is very warm for people to know that you know going into that there for the many times I don't know about you but I think people come in with one thing that they want to discuss really they want to discuss sexual dysfunction or something else by many times there
site is affected at first and everything imagine there's this great concept that sell me how you talk and I'll tell you how you sex right it wouldn't know how to talk about it and it's really hard for us to actually addressed my definitely yes yes if we're going to take a short little break and when we come back we're going to go into more and you just ran both talked about a variety of different dysfunction and so I want to talk about some of the common sexual dysfunction for men and some of the common sexual dysfunction for women so people understand that you're not the only one beautiful do on a break here and today I want to talk a little bit about Manu think that I'm doing is call vacation counseling and vacation counseling if you are out there and your couple and maybe you're struggling with communication in a variety of issues here in Southwest Florida next summer Ridgeway vacation count
find where you can actually have a vacation and a luxurious Villa a luxurious on vacation rental place and have some therapy and there'll be a couples therapist individual and AIDS on sex therapist so please just check us out on line is caused ww.w. Vacation counseling.com so now that we're back in a little bit let's talk about some common sexual dysfunction that you and I've seen for women first and then we'll talk a little bit about men
sure so for me you know the number one April for women is our inability to start to stay in the present moment right that's why I exactly where amazing. A lot of different things to try to multitask doing more than one thing without giving it enough attention right at the end of the night when we are thinking about anything and everything right and the second one would be pain during intercourse lubrication is her friend so many different things you know positions you know everybody's different so we have to figure out what were right exactly
sometimes people get upset because they don't have orgasms or certain way that they expect other people I mean from Gavin that movie it's one of my favorite but Meg Ryan when she's like screaming and yelling yes if people have this fantasy of us how orgasms should feel like all that kind of stuff and it's thinking that they should only lay a certain way and that kind of stopping feel bad when it doesn't happen that's a big one I share this all the time and I know if your in your shoes before but I'm going to do it again have orgasm through penetration only some people she's riding you know it's important to understand first of all that there is nothing wrong with you when I ice
allows me to say thank you for understanding. And really self exploring and understanding your body and understanding feels good I think Born gives us a lot of negative messages or unrealistic message I should look white or be like we should get to know our body because many times men and pick out their penises and whatever but for women we don't know what we look like we're afraid to touch ourselves and the more you know the more you can communicate
any word from any road to say thank you know sometimes I ask my man to go home and marry without porn like taking that idea of mindfulness feels good feels good about your testicles Les friction I'm using this for an idea for some of us now back in the day was very common imagination is being able to just really notice your experience be in the moment I said we noticed that without judgment judgment many times meaning of judging ourselves but you need to learn how to be in the present moment so with the sexual dysfunctions for men
what are the common ones do you see there are men so research shows and I think it goes back and forth but early ejaculation right away she used to be called premature ejaculation I remember this is less than 60 seconds are twenty strokes and there's a lot of loss of control when it happens and then again it has a lot of young people there like oh my God I have you know this is just about having a realistic expectations of what it should look like right we live in a society nowadays were younger generation are really dealing with the water pressure
do you know a young man who made it very sexually active otherwise whatever and then office on they find this one woman that they really am madly in love with and they for some reason I sometimes feel like a penis doesn't work and it's all because of the performance anxiety yeah imma send you this when I said I truly love and now it's it doesn't work going back to the sexual response cycle ride this weekend seems to do back in the 90s and Emily nagoski talks about this dude she's she's
elevator is anything that we find stimulating so I figure out what's the break is coming like driving your car with the handbrake on and what year is lack of emotional connection in the relationship performance anxiety and stress as we were staying with the negative association to me getting in an accident in the car performance anxiety if the man loses direction or they're like oh my God I had to perform well because it connects to the body and nothing works exactly. So I'm glad that we talked about this mindfulness in this kind of stuff yes yes so if how do you start having that conversation how can
stop talking to their Partners I think you know it's hard it's really really hard because you know I think a lot of times like I was saying people identify the steps of the problem but you know in the middle of the day and your job is not to think I need to say that again it's not Too Faced I want you to practice curiosity and compassion is just being able to expand and understand and sit and degrees and sit in the sky
I make sure that you offer you know cuz a lot of times women come in and I am very clear with that I said listen to do some work but eventually we may have to bring in your partner because you might have not been the part of the problem but you're definitely part of the solution for women to write with early ejaculation eventually you know when we get to some exercises we do it's really important and it just angry and it should resemble you know we're not going to do great work so really important for us to practice curiosity and compassion and not try to fix the problem when your statement of curiosity and compassion to the Curiosity can you explain that to her audience sure so curiosity I will ask the questions what is the like for you how did it happen do you think that it was something maybe from previous experiences what was that like right there's a difference between closed-ended questions that is
did you and the person says yes or no one conversation is over versus how does that affect you braid I think one of the biggest barriers is that nobody teaches about how to talk about sex openly why do people tip toe around this conversation's time for those of you that you know me have a hard time communicating I would write a letter or an email gray sometimes having them for some kind of sit with their formation read it take it in and then discuss it ain't no be a bad idea by Sade are definitely many ways to just making sure that you practice that idea up your ass didn't remember your job is expanding let me understand this better standing up your partner's bringing it it was so what if your partner
doesn't talk about it but you feel like your partner has a sexual dysfunction do you approach that I missed just for the book that don't know it's just you know starting a statement with Iverson to you the whole messages is starting a statement with an observation. These are the things that I've noticed do you notice those as well that's a good way of opening up without saying you know you got to play you don't feel like you don't like it or if you don't hate this is what I noticed what are some thoughts right and opening up the conversation
you know I would say Okay obviously you know what it what is what is this about right I think when couples can trust each other April and really
allow if the other person says hey I noticed that you're getting a little defensive I know that this is difficult to talk about right you know that's one maybe talking to a couples therapist because our job is to help facilitate this difficult conversation cuz there's two people that are graded not only want the problem is just maybe what does it mean for you not to feel and what does it mean for me not to be able to turn you on right so just be aware and remind ourselves of that constantly right by and not like you said it is really good to come and talk to therapist in your relationship doesn't have to be some people think you only go to a therapist if you're at rock bottom
yes I didn't do much better if you come in when it's when you did not remind a problem when a couple says therapy or divorce that's kind of like you coming into the ER right now it's so nice to work with couples when we just start feeling a little bit of the fraction that makes this so nice because this is so much better writer exactly yes so what are your thoughts about sexual dysfunctions and Warren is having some people believe that you know any houses that are separated couple or is it too much going or not enough time in the day you know corn what's a little bit different
a story from different countries and they said he born in terms of how to relate to one another the problem is is that new horn it's free and a shove down our throats if the husband is watching for hours but it's not connecting to mrs. the romance and the sensuality train 3 hour erections orgasms for everybody everybody says yes no one says no there's no
is very unrealistic I think we have to be reminded that real sex does not look that way there is on this woman she's the Swedish producer name is Erica lost and ice created eroticism or obviously just like to talk about sexual dysfunction is born creates a dysfunction if you're at work and you're looking out for size and you spend three hours and you're not spending time with your family if you know if it's the right thing you're functioning then it's an issue think about more compulsivity if it becomes compulsive than that definitely going to take a little short break in in in this break here I would like to hear exactly what you're doing and how things are going
also for me girl you know I am the founder of Life Discovery Psychotherapy it is a little driving practice in Miami Florida Power brunch coming on on Sunday for our vassals doing as much as I can do to help people and educate them on on what good and real sex feels like what it should look like in terms of my practice you know it's growing and thriving surreal excited about that yes so what's your website or how can people find you sure so my website is www.discovery.com and anything you people live Discovery site I will appear
I'm a celeb Discovery site right and I do also think if I believe correctly on your website you have videos of workshops and then you also have some in Spanish yes yes yes yes yes definitely infidelity and so that one is a Spanish but you know I'm in April you know that it's just so nice to get back to our community and be able to again challenge those please we started talking about cultural beliefs and yeah definitely yes I'm glad that you do that and stuff you wouldn't you please try to touch a little bit about I would like to talk a little bit about medications and because many times were in the mental health field and so I asked you say that and that's that's Racine Racine people that have mental health issues and sometimes they may not realize how
I was taking certain medications that affect
how they perform sexually because people get caught up with somebody has depression and they're like well decide if I say I'm not everybody gets excited by Jason with blood high blood pressure medications affect orgasm for women so just kind of addressing it with your psychiatrist overwhelming for other people now what we talked about medications that are being prescribed some people describe
a little bit but those are only training wheels
you talk about performance anxiety April even with Viagra if you haven't treated the performance anxiety it doesn't work it's amazing the mine is full so powerful and sometimes two people that prescribe Viagra educate the client on the hours operations then listen if not you know you still have to do for play your sister I plead because then my women complain because they said he takes his pill and then he's ready to go and I have 15 to 20 minutes to just get to the gauge of do I want to have sex kissing so really born understand the medications that you're taking and make sure that you talk to your dogs are don't going to go to call International Information out there yes yes and I'm glad that you mentioned to talk to you about going to mention these things and not to just keep it quiet yes yes yes and I'm glad you also mention
sometimes it is just about
cousin
you know I think I think April's Dad Stan BB if I could give that on the pill Pliva we have to be to imagine living a high place instant gratification give it to me now fix it myself exactly have become a thing of the past right back in the day you know when you would ask somebody in a day you would have called him at home or maybe use of Bieber I used to bring High School you are you hot Sue at there was no way to cancel Planet or this ghosting ghosting It's A New Concept posting that an extended one of the imagination I'm being present right now we look at that person's Facebook and we know so much about that right
I think you are part of being present is being in the moment you know natural in long-term relationships people think that's extra happen naturally and 80% of encounters are planned plan we plan everything else like taking one day out of the week when you're going to come back with a person intentionally or maybe another day happens naturally that's the way to go about mindfulness please lock desktop bye bye have a great article on my website on their blogs about mindfulness that I wrote a long time ago because last I was being attacked by medication but the other thing is sometimes people do a lot of substance
alcohol and drugs and stop and then expecting all this great sex but it's taking away like you said mindfulness and being in the present moment and when you're drinking and drinking and drinking you're not there such a good such a good topic and I think about going back to where you said you talked a little bit about stress how do we handle stress because I had a couple that, they had a baby touches bad you know so it's like a switch because now maybe the person you know it turns the other person off if the other person is not drinking it joins them all women you know we're very sensual smells you know we can go to a fabulous but you know when they clean
we can tell by the way thank you note alcohol and substance has take too much yeah yeah yeah cuz then you're not there. You're not there at all and then how do you really engaged with your partner somewhere else it just doesn't War life right and you guys a great talk just a little bit ago about the importance of foreplay
Captain an intimate in Sex and intimacy should be so much about this orgasm but about having pleasure just enjoying playing together Isanti sex the sunlight oriented and sex doesn't like Direction it doesn't like it you know I think one of the things that I'm sure it will you do you know what are sensory Focus you know people that haven't had sex for underbody of the other person something so simple but putting a blindfold on your partner if they consent in there if you're okay with that and just being able to put a blindfold a takes away a lot of the noise a feeling your whole body before intercourse Define expander definition of Stax that's a horse of course is the power of such a sensuality and what I
oh my God is like you can just buy her the ticket you got to get her interested in the trip because women work very different I mean actual process is the one of the underlying is going to make the same day but the difference is the starting point men write women responsive we need something to respond to so for play and Central Play and play is definitely Ahmad and I wish that we talk more about that in sex education but we don't we don't I mean think about sex that it was not a lot of people talk about pressure right not at all
are CD's brightness you known all this fear base kind of thoughts but not about pleasure nobody talks about pressure so I think it is something that it needs to be you know somehow implemented because I think that you know as women it's like we take it upon ourselves and you know something that we all sin don't talk about but the trauma are the sexual trauma that happened in America because the woman think that she's always supposed to say yes because I'm married and there's many times and maybe they did something that did not feel good and then just little resentments are like little you know bags of sand that eventually becomes something really big toe so important to be able to do you know understand what foreplay means you don't Define sex a little bit different everything that were talking about it's really crucial like you see the whole sex thing as a chore
oh yeah yes yes I send an email put the kids to sleep I have sex with my husband want to have sex or is it that they don't have the sex of being offered by but I think I think it's because many times like you said it starts in the mind that I think that they would talk you know that maybe it's bad this that or it also starts with him not being able to communicate or sometimes even not knowing themselves how to beat Ali Mindful and feel that pressure and let it come and you know I live near body exactly like you said it's just being able to have pleasure and I think what you said I've already lost that right being alive in your body
lights are in this body on the same thing as that Association of danger tension right when the body's feels comfortable comforter and then both mine and body feel comfortable and then we can open up tension is about closing up relaxation is about opening up nobody gets a massage like this is just like giving into yes yes so now we've been talking a lot about sexual dysfunctions and stuff a little bit to the tips and one chip of course we've been talking about is mindfulness which is being in the present moment learning how to actually Mind Body Spirit and soul all in one time zone are connecting you know hearing feeling what is some other tips that you've given couples of people are individuals
just to summarize and remind people make sure that you need criteria before you start reading something yes you know this sense people use unisol it would be just level 1 of course is just so you know being able to give each other in erotic massage without touching the genitals leaving genitals right and just really focusing on other parts of the body and I also like to do this little exercise my couples where I have them carry a little and next card and a break it down into things the please me this is called the police restless so things up for me and things that I think please my partner and the other person does the same and they don't share it with each other in their
and then you share it and see how much you know each other and you better pray that was that you actually like so that you can learn about your partner and maybe you can use it down the line and one of your intimate thoughts and that's a great idea yet cuz sometimes people are couples do now and I think he even overtime your body changes changes the only consistent thing in life. How many years ago of course you know so it's like redefined what this means and accepting the changes as they calm and it's in the Curiosity throughout this relationship right
going so really important to not compare for a really excited and practice curiosity made me think about language and I was thinking yeah I've had couples before they said you know how soon can a person talk to me in the beginning was fine but now I'm 20 now that he's trying to use the same
the same kind of talk doesn't quite work therapist about change and some change but it's not like I'm going to change you entirely we're going to be at 9 in the morning. Is the language of love and maybe they're not the Super romantic kind but if they making at White sound like a position effort is the outcome is the result when the first yeah how many times we don't appreciate when people try and try and try but like you said that it's
that is necessary you watching the Christmas movies and the chick's legs let me tell you something while we were fed in terms of what men should be in relationships is unrealistic don't get me wrong they're very moving and I love her good romance but the reality is is that that is not reality write a relationship but we don't see what happens after they get married they have their first child I think it's really important to understand for sure 100% earlier about setting time aside
yes because we're so busy and we can you replant everything like you said so you've got to make sure that you plan time together for some people to give them a sense of comfort because they're like okay it gives me a little bit of time to prepare and I always talk about individually what makes you feel good not what you think my partner likes when I but I really feel good when I take a shower and I put that coconut oil spray or I feel really good when I shave right before I see my wife right what makes you feel sexy owning your sexuality conference is another one yes yes yes if you don't feel sexual
it starts if it starts with you yes yes yeah I'm glad she even let you know that's another great aspect of of looking at it yet and also what you just mention also the different smells the different textures also helps in the sense of being closed and being more intimate absolutely I like I was saying I really don't even putting some music I like that I have I always tell my clients you know whenever we're going to do any type of exercise we talk about what candles do you like we talked about you know what music you like and you do some couples like turn around they're like oh I didn't know that even in those conversations there's so many spaces for learning you know that you love having their kids in the morning but you know all their toys they wanting to the Roma I always ask him take me take me to your room look like while we go in and putting the toys behind
were they didn't see it gave the room an adult like okay right so what does that space look like on a saw the most of this and if you came in my office now papers of the zoo and you know there was a pizza cuz you know that one talk with the teacher going to do that are thing in the world to me in a certain part of the house right away
you guys like you know self exploring and masturbating house out of the relationship you know bringing that into the relationship important to be able to create a few know a good sex life is wonderful yeah wow this is been such a great our yes I so enjoy your company even though we're far away but you know I so enjoy doing these things thank you for having me and whenever you want to have me back yes definitely yes so I'm say your website again and which were individuals can find you sure so alive Discovery psych and that is my website my email is Paula Aslan Discovery site at my Instagram it says yes yes yes yes thank you so much for being in the Shell you're always welcome back and everyone out there listening thank you so much for hearing out show today and will also be on a podcast
see you soon bye guys bye-bye