it's Nicole Brandon and Welcome to our glass Pride it's so wonderful to have you here today show and we have such a special guest today I'm so excited it's been amazing process for me over the past few months to have all of the gifts come in and we've been talkin so deeply about the keys to relationships the keys to the heart the keys to communication the keys to longevity in a relationship and all of these steps all of these tools of starting over of being able to unfold The Beauty From the Inside Out Your image the Harmony in a relationship to the music that the syncopation of to live and I think that nowhere is this more prevalent in this more perfect than today's guest and today's guest is Doctor John Ireland and his benefit
I was so honored to meet him a friend of mine was telling me you could have took have to have to have to meet this man he's so special he's so extraordinary you so magical he's such a gift and what to give two couples not just in his words not just in his time not just in his skill of officiation but the energy in which he helped spring to life together is really quite extraordinary and you need to meet him and so I was so blessed I was up in Santa Barbara and we had the opportunity to meet in person and sometimes you can just see that it's light energy causes of God is speaking to you right in front of you and so I had to suffer to need to talk to John and just the way he talked about his love of married people is love is bringing people together and how he does that and what that means for him and so I'm so glad that he is our guest in getting to share all of this with you and our show the doctors on Ireland has been a fish
wedding ceremonies for over 25 years he is highly sought after by celebrity couples getting married and we will definitely talk to him about that not to mention the esteem Resorts such as the same usage were the four seasons the Biltmore and I actually met him at the luxurious Bacara Resort and Spa which is just a beautiful beautiful beautiful place and energetically you can just see me as your mother's nature of the trees at the Gardens at the glass of the care they take with each item and especially of the people and some people I know kind of really interesting that he is officiate a wedding and down renewal for me to celebrities and iconic Stars such as um Rockstar Gene Simmons actress and singer Fergie in the Black Eyed Peas as well as so many others and it would you think about that list and then we'll get a tan Tanna. Some of the celebrities that he's officiated you think about what different energy
these people are such different people I mean summer and rock and roll and some of their a conservative and so how do you go from the gamut of one personality type and one sort of expression of love to another expression of love and he has been able to actually went through almost like the way he's in the sands of time to each and every one of these periods at moments and ceremonies and I just think it's absolutely fascinating I talked to Jenna said he's been married to his wife for over 30 years so he certainly knows about marriage and so we can ask him about the secrets to longevity into a happy life he has been a team leader and a teaching pastor at the Ocean Hills Church in Santa Barbara California since 1998
I love we all he's after against to tell us something about themselves and for fun he loves isn't her kind of coffee as a great it makes sense to Leo and he loves reading think about leadership and of course your friendship and most certainly he's an expert in love but one of the facts that have found absolutely mind-boggling Minister who officiates weddings and stands in front of you and and literally is the person that's buying sometimes your life together and then you ask something special something extraordinary something he likes to do for fun and then September he completed the Alcatraz swim with his sister the Alcatraz swim one of the most extraordinary thing I ever heard of that never read any January he kind of Mount Kilimanjaro and not only himself he did it with his sister and which is 75 year old died so that is so much positive energy and Sonic
Ford and so much love and so much light and silver everything wonderful that we are so honored and so blessed and so magically gifted staff today's gifts dr. John Ireland on welcome to the show
thank you so much it's so fun to be here my tanks already filled up just looking to do a shared what I met you there is an effervescent energy that exudes from you that it's not that this is something that you do is officiate wedding but there is a Divine calling in and there is a jewishness there's is effervescent bubbly you know that you lay and laughter and love and beauty and glory of the fact that you were able to bring people together and such a special and I think that's what I was so drawn to it if you would love for doing this and so how did you begin did you know that you wanted to marry people or what was the beginning point
of course is such a magical and special place to you know couples are coming from all over to get married here but I've been in town my wife and I have been here for twenty-eight years and was a young minister of course you know any young married I'm I'm kind of learning the ropes and getting a few opportunities to do you know through my my work to get to officiate Weddings But then just you know as you get more experience and you do more counseling with couples and you become I think just more passionate about the gift of marriage and how important it is for creating just a rock-solid foundation and not just you know I'm stuck in marriage but man I'm driving in a relationship that most important one that we have this sense of okay yeah we got to work at it but also we are enjoying each other and treasuring what we have and feeding it
huge fan of marriage partly because I I love my wife so much and she's been such a gift to me and our marriage hasn't been perfectly had to work at it but that's all part of what you sign up for I think you know until do you have and we always look at has couple that have been married over 25 years and my parents just had a 50th wedding anniversary which was so special and do you have a secret or a tip for longevity in a marriage where is the closest to ask couples when I go to weddings I love to ask the parents or the grandparents
they're kind of Secret Sauce you know I love that I am part of what I want to be as one of those teachable lifelong Learners that I want to keep growing and I want to you know and so I've heard so many little nuggets and bits of advice and I'll tell you when I just heard that really rocked my world I mean it really it challenged me and it really encouraged me to and it was actually a therapist here in Santa Barbara and private practice we were just having dinner together with some friends and and he said that he has been married for over 60 years and he said I asked them what why why you guys think you at you guys actually think you have the best marriage on the planet you know why why is that and both of them at the same answer and you know I'm his father-in-law said
what's most important to her I have made most important to me and she said the same thing what is important to him I've chosen to make that important to me and I was really challenged by that but also encouraged as part of the dance of marriage is learning to check out of dance together in a way that I'm saying you know my wife Natalie there are things that really aren't important to me but they're important to her and so part of the way I choose to love her is to become interested in the things that she's in an educator and so passionate about it and so caring her world helping her to see her dreams come true supporting those that's part of what makes her our marriage rich and vice-versa she is been so interested in what I'm doing all these years and supporting me I think that's a huge piece of the puzzle is is being interested in staying
interested in each other's lives it feeds give you a lots to talk about as well
that's great it's interesting that you say that last night I went to see y'all cuz smirnov the comedian and do his show and it's all on relationships and love and it's hysterical and heartwarming and I laughed and I cried and I cried and I laughed but basically that's what he was saying about making something important you know giving and receiving but what's important is somebody else and so I love the concept and I love that you can share that you have that Epiphany in that awareness and yourself and in other people I think it's just beautiful and I know that you were a child and pass it on to your child what a great relationship and then you know what I think about
in talking to you I remember that you had talked about Grace and acceptance and that you were saying that you talked about Grace and acceptance at every wedding ceremony and I love his work one of the things that we've done four months now is that at every show I ask people their definition of what is about what his marriage with his Harmony and words I think are so important in there so rude and I love these words Grace and acceptance and so why were you so drawn to them why do you share them and what do they mean to you
yeah
well I think for me in working with couples for all these years I think one of the biggest mistakes that we make and I include me in the Wii because I'm I'm still growing and learning but is I think the mistake that we make is we get married and then we think it's our job to quote fix or change our partner it's like we have a wonderful plan for their life and it went when couples a marriage relationship with kind of his hidden agenda that I'm going to change him I'm going to fix her
boy they just they go into a season of disappointment and disillusionment and I remember when I married my wife she did not own a pair of running shoes or tennis shoes and for the first ten years of our marriage and I would give her running shoes and say we're going to work out and I'd give her you know it's a let's go workout at the gym or let's play tennis and finally after about 10 years she said you know what you don't really accept me she goes you want me to be an athlete I'm not an athlete you want me to sweat I hate sweating it's gross I had my wife on a self-improvement program and it was fueling this sense of her feeling unloved and and not cherish your treasured by me but like she didn't measure up and she does you you don't accept me and
that was the beginning for me so I was over 20 years ago that I had my own aha moment and then
I have a mentor in my life is named Spartan and he's been married for 43 years and I asked him point-blank what do you wish somebody would have told you when you were in your early thirties and you know I thought he might say something about money or Investments or he might say something about friendship for kids but he said you know I wish somebody would have told me not to spend the first 25 years of my marriage trying to fix and change my wife
he said it was so hard that was for 25 years were so difficult for the last 17 18
strange pictures and he said the last 17 18 years have been so special and a much easier for us and enjoyable for us there's a book that was written called messy spirituality Mike Iaconelli he's passed away tragically in an accident several years ago but he wrote this about Grace and I just love it he said Grace is outrageously unfair ridiculously extravagant and it sure beats judgmentalism legalism and all the other is Grace always gives second and third chances and never stop giving chances never stop giving chances and I just love that because that's the idea that literal definition of Graces on merited favor you deserve but you keep giving favor and you know the god of the old and new
cement is all about Gracie he doesn't say get your act together and then all except you and welcome you he accepts us and welcomes us and then that love unconditional love is the motivation for us to respond to it not out of law or legal isn't anything that's true in marriage when you are feeling on the receiving end this person loves me unconditionally they keep pursuing me they continue to bless me and encouraged me and treasure me they continue to forgive me when there's an out or I let you know there's a misunderstanding or I hurt his or her feelings and then they just keep loving and that is compelling who doesn't want to live with that kind of a person and be in a relationship with a person that lives by grace and acceptance versus as you can imagine you put that upside down and you have a person and you're going man I married to this person
you're always trying to fix me and change me there's always they find something wrong with me every day I never measure up and it's just it's kind of I think I look at that and I say to myself while I want to become the kind of husband that is living by grace that is completely growing to accept my wife and and not just accept but also appreciate those differences that we have so I guess that's Bono Bono sings a lot about Grace you know from you too and I just love it it's a powerful word and it will touch and transform a marriage Grace will touch and transform alive
I think that's incredible and as you talk about form and not to change a woman it's the same thing for a man not to marry somebody and to think that they're going to change them and to be able to just love them for who they are and so I think that's such a great secret into and techniques and if you talk about unmerited favor Joseph Prince actually has a beautiful book of merited favor you know which yes I would love that dog absolutely yes just fabulous until I love that idea and I didn't truly Grayson acceptance I think they're such beautiful words and if it's okay with you I would love to put a definition and a quote on the website because I think for the endless years of the show that's just it's so perfect and it's so beautiful and a penetrate so hard it's such a deep level
I really do love that and I need to ask you as I look at this list of celebrities on your bio this is so crazy you start marrying and remarrying celebrities and what a Gambit from Gene Simmons to her duty to Amy pick me up I just so I mean energetically that's the Rockets ships of the stars and it's the calm seas and so how did you get into that and is it fun and is it difficult to deal with the personalities and I think for me and you've heard this but you know
first of all every wedding I do you know is special it really is I think I feel you know undoubtedly feel a little more pressure when you're dealing with a high-profile person you don't want to screw up anybody's heading you know if I say you don't want to fumble and so you take it seriously and I and I think again my job I say this over and over again my job is to serve people I don't have to him it's not my wedding I had my wedding it's their wedding so my job is to serve them I want them meaning whoever would be but in this case the slippers I want them to love their ceremony if they don't love it and I don't win so I'm not sitting there with a hidden agenda you got to do it my way we collaborate we talked we meet and it's just people they're just real their people they have fears they have insecurities they have an outgrowth areas like we all do but I have found that the celebrities I've done have been
Ashley I haven't had a bad experience they've been warm they've been a welcoming they've invited me to their homes they and they're just they're real people like you and me want to have a special moment when I create a magical and memorable experience on their wedding day or if they're renewing vows and I have to say they're all so they're tender you know I had some tender moments where I have said a prayer for them and I said can I say just a prayer of blessing over you and I would you do that we would love that they want what you want and what I want they want the real thing they want love they wanted to be alive and they want to have a thriving marriage and so I just I can't tell you I mean I've been actually pleasantly surprised that every high-profile person that I work with has been just wonderful and easy I haven't I haven't
zero issues drama or you know I don't have any horror stories to tell you I know I don't they've been taping all fabulous
and generous I should say just with their spirit and their time and you know they have to be concerned about confidentiality and this and that and I get that you know and living in Santa Barbara I mean you're around and you know I've had the opportunity around high-profile people so you can get you don't get those opportunities if you blow it if you break confidences that kind of stuff if you take advantage of it it doesn't work you won't last so you have to respect people and respect their privacy their integrity and you know and their desires so for me it's it it just kind of common sense to be honest with you and if you make a commitment to serve people whether it's you know the person that's waiting on tables when you're at your favorite restaurant or the biggest star if you and my Approach has just been I'm here to serve you and to make this you know the biggest possible day of your life or death date
your life that's kind of my model my theme I want it I want to help they're their biggest Day become their best day and especially somebody that celebrity somebody that used to be here too or recognize and when you're saying what they want is what everybody wants which is really if you'd loved and I just think that that's such a beautiful concept and if we all look into our hearts and say that's what we all we really want is to be left and then so I have a question without actually have a couple questions with that but one is something that we hadn't talked about before but on valve I know that very often especially as celebrity weddings because they're a lot of writers and their allies that people will want to write their own valve
we're bringing David Correy on his teaching women to write 3,000 it to the end of the voice and inner power and do you think that it's important that people say what's in her heart at that moment that people do write their own Belzer include their own feelings and thoughts and that's my wife and I rode our own valve so I'm totally supportive of it I I coach when I when I when I talk to people about it and let you know every couple I talked to I say this to them if you want to write your own vows I'm all for it just remember of Val is not a compliment it's a commitment and there's a difference
there's a place in the ceremony to do the compliment to do some words of what I what I love about you and why I'm so crazy about you and why I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you and let me tell you I usually do that before the wedding rings clean up before they give the Rings they share some personal words are they they write each other a small love letter and they share those complimentary things but I think of Val is a promise and it's a commitment and I made the mistake 20 years ago not having this conversation with a young couple in the groom got up there and his wedding vow was just kind of you know saying to his bride you're so sexy and you're so pretty and you make me laugh and I'm the luckiest guy in the world and I was kind of standing there going that's great however
you haven't you're not in I mean you're just saying what she's doing for you what are you doing that's what about how is your commitment and your promise to do what and I think that's what's important when you're writing your vows look at other files look at you know there's so many variables you can take traditional vows and you can modify them you can talk to friends family others who've written their vows and and learn from other people and I cuz I've done that I see some valves that people have written it out and they are there extraordinary their creative they're funny their Woody but they're also profound and they're deeply meaningful and they're saying and promising something very substantiv insignificant and I think that's where the power is in the valley I mean to just get up and be kind of trite and to be kind of you know what's funny I think there's another time and a place for that not in that moment when you're exchanging of
that's my opinion
I heard it was interesting was at a wedding and they one of the valves on starting with I love you and I like you and it's my promise to fill my own cup and to be responsible for my own happiness so when you come home I'm here for you you know rich and full and you know participant in lives and whatever and it when when you when you hear all these things and when you were talking about writing Love Letters to one another and that day exchange love letters I actually saw a beautiful ceremony less than a year ago where they wrote each other a love letter on why they were marrying the other person the person did to them in their choice and they loaded the night before they got married and then when during the ceremony they took those letters and those letters were filled in the Box along with the very nice bottle of wine and they had to have my nails and they sealed the box in the box is dated 10 years from The Wedding Date and he's all morning they were to read each other
letters on their 10-year anniversary to know why on that day they chose to marry each other
that's powerful after the vows I think I love when you're saying that it's not a compliment it's a commitment and that's probably the best description of a vowel that I've heard so thank you for that and I think they are going to use that and be able to utilize that as they're creating your vows in the ceremony I think there is a place for that it's just not to exclude that the substance of The Vow you know that I think is it's about character and integrity and it's about when we get married that's you know I think what we're looking for is the core of this person and are they as are they trustworthy and what whatever they promised can I count on
to stand up to their word you know that because that's in a long marriage you know the older I get the more I actually I do like the Traditional Values because I can tell you honestly even for me I'm I'm celebrating 30 years now this summer and you know that's for better for worse for richer for poorer in sickness and in health I have days where I where I have said to myself though this must be the four worst part that I signed up for a Highway K and this is the Insignia sickness part and end this is the poor part or I mean you go through those words and you go yeah I signed up for it and the better part comes in when you're in The Sweet Spot of a marriage and and it's effortless and you're going this is so good and then you go through hard times you go I signed up for this part 2
what makes our life and marriage so rich you know to work through those all those times and enjoy him
I love that the other day I was having a terrible day if you could have terrible terrible day to Time Warner service was off at my house and there were something happened in the neighborhood so that house phone didn't work in the computers didn't work and also the cell towers were affected and so we couldn't even you know every time you would call Time Warner Verizon we kept getting knocked off in 24 hours you were trying to deal with that issue that the technology for any of the new world into this made for a very frustrating day and at one point and I started to laugh and to cry and said if this is a bad day by
there are people that if this is my bad what a Magic Carpet Ride my life is and everything shifted everything all the perspective of my life and it's so it's when you have those moments in a marriage and in a relationship like you saying that you do you say for better and for worse and whatever that is but at the same time that I know you got to say God just this was a bad day I can't lie because a look at my life look at my partner look at my relationship look at this love that I am blessed to have a nice life and I am blessed to share and it this is my bad this is funny this is I mean how lucky am I that people would wish for days like this that I consider it a great perspective
I just love that letting her that was so much fun
I mean the Gene Simmons wedding was at the Beverly Hills Hotel I mean there were a gazillion cameras cuz they were filming for his TV show and it was it was a huge production and it was yeah I mean it was larger than life but then you know Tiffani Thiessen and Brady in a day have become such dear friends and have been at our home and we spent Christmas Eve and you know I've dedicated and bless their baby Harper we've been in so that he had that wedding was so sweet but part of it was because we developed a really a rich rich friendship you know my time with Fergie and Josh was more it was a renewal of vows out of a car and it was just the two of them and me and there was some security and all around the perimeter but you know I had about 30 minutes with just the three of us and I really it was it was tender and it was special
Roland I was just I was honored to get to speak into their life and to just enjoy that moment you know I tend to be in the moment and try and encourage them and was awesome he was he was creating that moment for the two of them and and so you know I mean so much of it is I don't know them where we didn't become friends where is in some of them I've I've become friends and I just I love and respect them all but I do know I'm kind of catching here and get a little political like I don't want to say who I like that or what I like them I'll keep the without saying any names at this person or that person was there a wedding that was you know on a cliff or what is the wedding in a cave or was there something that you said this is so interesting that they would choose to do a wedding here and in this way and that it became fun or inspirational for you in the process
Fergie we were out on the cliff out of a car that's where that happened Jeff Dunham the comedian you know we were up at the Sun Stone Villa and it was magical up there and just Benny and Brady we were at a private estate in Montecito I'll tell you one of the cool things that I loved is in and I don't know what it is but in Gene Simmons wedding ring there was inscribed in that just a special little secret you know from his bride and I thought that was really a cool idea and she is she gave it to him she says I had something inscribed in there for your eyes only and I thought that that was again A Creative Touch a little Insider secret just between the two of them and you know any married of course you know Shannon Tweed and so
Shannon's I just thought that was sweet I thought you know that's a cool kind of extra thing special little Nuance or little flavor to add and I thought that was was very very cool the way that that that she did that as a surprise I thought that was fun about the little things that make a little accent a little flavor and I'm always looking for ways to to make something a little in a wedding even more special or just a little something that adds to the uniqueness of its own
it's funny because I remember that I'm talking to you were saying that you love the phrase Small Things often so you're talkin about these little things and so how does that translate into the inscription And A Ring Sing for your inner for your eyes only there's something in there in tennis melting it made a difference like the love letters that you're going to be 10 years later what small things often in which
relationships I'm stealing that phrase from the researcher author who was who was featured in the book Blink by Malcolm Gladwell James John gottman and you know very well-known writer and researcher on marriage and love and in fact my wife and I did at Cottman weekend that the enriched our own marriage that was really like giving for us and help get us some tools you know after I take it we did it after a 20th wedding anniversary or something and it was just you know the first test of winning ourselves that but goblin John gottman is the one who who I took that phrase from and he said you know that that marriages that are that are thriving over the long haul that the couples tend to put into practice those three words Small Things often and I've seen it and experienced it even in my own life but
how many areas just like you said I mean a small thing like an inscription in a wedding ring or like those the gift of the love letters in the wine and I think in the day-to-day stuff it can be small things often around affection you can be really just goodnight kisses it can be a little foot massage it can be small things off and around acts of service taking out the trash making the bed emptying the dishwasher feeding the dog I mean there's so many little things that picking up your clothes taken off your shoes before you walk in the house whatever however your relationship work you know right now those agreements and the little compliments a little card when when I go on a road trip and my wife puts a little note in in my suitcase I mean it's just like you just made my day or my daughter sends me a text Daddy me just the word daddy you know makes my heart melt from my 19 year old.
just Daddy I miss you or Daddy can we go grab a coffee together just initiate those little things little acts of love little initiation of relationship make a huge difference in and I think relationships suffer if we if we just think that the rolladium a great marriage is just going to happen by accident it doesn't it is the kind of some result of a lot of these small things often and I'm so I could have embraced that as one of the models of the kind of husband and father I want to be I want to keep doing the small things that make a big difference and I want to do them often you know
without measuring without comparing without keeping score at a mean you know love is about giving it's about just that self giving and giving and giving and I have a friend who is about this but you know he said when he got married the best advice he received was to make a commitment out serve his bride his wife without keeping score without measuring out serve it's almost like imagine if you were almost in a competition with the person you're married to without allowing it to get it female weird but just saying I'm going to help serve her I'm announcer of him
sand and I'm not going to compare I'm not going to marry her in a few small things you know I'm going to let you know I can't tell you how my wife is so great at this I mean she's inspired me without even asking she does things that she knows will cause me to feel loved and she's kind of becoming a student over the years of my life and she cuz I know John feels loved when you know I do this I do that you know all these kind of little things that every person is different that's part of our job when we're married is I need to be coming and I need to get my PhD in in studying my wife and figuring out what is it that makes her tick when does she most feel loved when is our marriage at its best what is that I'm doing this causes you to feel like her tank is filled what do I need to do to be a life-giving partner for her and again it's the small
things often that make a difference I love that you're saying as a friend of mine very very good friend of mine is Doctor John Gray who did the Men Are from Mars women that you know very often a man will think if he brings a dozen roses that you know we have scored points in all that's going to be all excited and and she made me very happy but he was saying that instead of a dozen roses if he gave her one rose or whatever that died. You know that that gesture that one wrote all the world of difference to a woman just knowing that she's being loved her that you thought of her that she's being considered and so II
I love that and then as we're talkin about that giving you talked about when you're giving more how it's necessary for breathing life into a relationship where they giving in is not a week medicine and I know that you speak very often on the art of giving and so I would love you to just share some of that and touching that from because I just giving in whenever I talk about that and I love to just remind them it's it's not you know it's it if you know who you are and you have a strong sense of identity
you know you can give in it's not a sign of weakness if it actually requires strength of character to say you know what time and here's the key word I'm willing racing a spirit of willingness I believe giving in is that mean it means I am willing to do whatever it takes so that we win so that our marriage wins I'm willing to compromise so that we can come together I'm I'm willing to keep growing I'm willing to make sacrifices and so I'm willing to say no to important people important opportunities in order to say yes to this most important relationship my marriage my family and sometimes that's what's required for a marriage to grow strong and deep we have to be willing to make those sacrifices and and I think one of the biggest ones is you know that willingness to sometimes say no to our own parents that is so hard
arrow in my wife again has led the way in that she early on in our marriage yet in a sense stood up and set the boundaries around her mom and it was an issue for us but she has your mom made her choose it was kind of a weird thing between her and me and she chose me I mean she married my mom I'm married now John and I are a family I still love you but sometimes it here I am I don't care right now the nineteen-year-old I get that you know that's going to be a difficult transition because Shannon's my little girl I mean you know but when a husband and wife were willing to to say no in order to say yes to each other I think that's just a huge huge Act of sacrifice in an act of love
it's really important but I didn't because of our pride because of our ego because of this fear that she always gets his way I'm always the one giving in and it goes back to that keeping score thing and I find in my own marriage when I'm keeping score and I'm measuring neither of us when we were not winning at home I just have to get rid of the scoreboard and I have to just believe hey I married this person for a reason I believe God called me to marry this person and my job's to absolutely love her and treasure her and cherish her and do whatever it takes two to make sure she knows that she is loved and treasured beyond anything else so I think that's one of the key things for giving in and giving more is just about what we're talking about with serving you know it's that without measuring without comparing I just going to
quotes I think it was Amy Carmichael I want to make sure it was her that said you can give without loving but you cannot love without giving joking that reflect on that chew on that for a moment you think about it's true I can give to people that I don't love I mean I can give gifts I could do that I go I don't really care about this but I can give something I can give you an organization that I don't care about correct right again but can I love someone and not give and I don't think you can I mean giving and loving go hand-in-hand and so thinking about
your life as an offering so once once you get married I'm now my role is to offer myself I'm all in the word covenant when we talked about marriage is a covenant that word literally means in it together and it together to paraphrase that it's all in I'm all in you know so there's no holding back so I'm going to give and I'm going to give and I'm going to give and that's kind of my model you know I got to find ways that my wife knows that she's treasure special and I always do brides and grooms you know who wins when you do that you both when you know you're not going to people are so afraid of being taken advantage of and oh my God she don't find the one who gives in I'm going to be that's why we we can have to marry people with character think about you know if you're a single person today listening to the show
where you get married you want that's the character issue it's the trust issue you both want to have a rich relationship a wonderful relationship of course trust is as has to be there then you can if you trust the person you trust your partner you can keep giving knowing knowing that they're not going to take advantage of that they love you they cherish you that they're going to be giving back even more and that's why the algae serving and out giving Works in marriage when there's trust and and I believe that's God's dream for every marriage that's what marriage is are thriving when we're going I want to give to my wife because I love her so much and I'm not worried about him I going to get it and then back it it will come back to me I know it will
description of Covenant as in it together and all in and no holding back you know there is a contract because cuz it's something so cute different but a covenant and that Unity of being in something together I think I mean isn't that what they always say when two or more are gathered and yep that's right carriage and love is more of a contract in a contract you know you hurt my feelings or you you fail me and then I'm done goodbye by you know but it love is different and again you know in the Old Testament I love that Old Testament book of Hosea most people have never read it but it's of God's covenant love and he he uses the
Old Testament prophet he says marry a harlot and and it's going to be a metaphor for my love for people that even though you're Unfaithful I'm going to keep loving you if loving you and keep loving you and it's the Hebrew word Hesed which is loyal love and I love that because that's the standard of I think what makes a marriage last a lifetime yet have to have that has it that loving kindness that loyal love and again if it's a contract if my marriage is a contract I tell you what the forest twenty times over I mean I've had my feelings hurt my wife's disappointing me and I've disappointed her and we had a misunderstanding is all that stuff that everybody faces but the Covenant that we made we we say to each other you know what for us we made a commitment we made a covenant so divorce is there an option for us
and there's two ways that we can look at our life together we can either go okay we're stuck let's just be miserable for the rest of my life or hey we're stuck together we're in it together so let's make it a memorable life together and let's have been you know the next 10 years be our best 10 years so we live in Hope and we live with the sense of that maybe we're having to work harder at this relationship but you know what if we stick with it and keep serving and keep giving I just I believe in love if we live this way it will absolutely run revolutionize our hearts and our lives and our marriage is in our own so when you don't feel like it and it's it's it's hard to stay married when you don't feel like it and I like I said I've been married 30 years there are times when I'm going I don't feel like being married right now
but I don't make a judgment or a decision based on how I'm feeling in that moment I lose you I will lose perspective at times but you know not too kind of jumped and your rational decision in the moment but just got to slow down you know I love this woman one day out of a groom I just did a wedding a couple months ago and and the groom said my parents have the best marriage so I went up to his dad and I said what would what's your secrets I was like okay and your son just wants to have a marriage like yours I go can you give me some advice and it was so funny he said it's two words I said what was that and he said walk away and I'm just clear your head get some perspective take a break for a knee goes and then you come back and you'll work it out and I just thought you know what time is it in the in the moment we lose perspective
and so we just need to walk away sometimes and just kind of regain our perspective and and remember oh yeah I'm committed
and you know what I love this person and we're going to work at work so you know as long as I know I'm here and I'm not I'm not right either because I don't know that it that it's really about you know being stuck it's really about you know being being present having the opportunity it's like what you don't want me to go to school you know I'm a little kids and we have to go to school or whatever it's not that either we're stuck in school from 5 to 3 or whatever we have is Grand opportunity to learn to grow to be enriched to have amazing relationships with people to figure out who we are as people to experience vision and treating you know it is an amazing weird it's just that commitment I think creates the playing field for us and it creates the safe atmosphere so now I know
I'm committed so I want to have a great life with let's be in it together let's be all in and we're going to work it out so now I feel safe because nobody's Walk we're going to work this out together we're in it together and I think that's that's the plus side the positive side of commitment you're right sometimes the words stuck and we feel stuck in so we're thinking negatively about it rather than wait a minute there is so much blessing and positive that that we need to focus on and work towards that and hard work I really believe hard work pays off and it and it doesn't marriage I know that I love your view on relationships and I just absolutely love you I hope you know that and so I really wanted to make sure that people know how to contact you so if somebody is interested in talking to you having Mary there either valves or just wants to experience and explore some of these amazing concept of and the Beautiful
conditions of words that you can certainly have given us today to you
2 simple ways to reach me one is by email John at Ocean Hills. Org still. J o n there's no h j o n apps Ocean Hills oceanschools John at Ocean Hills. Org or call me on my cell phone and that's a simple don't abuse it of course but it's 805-886-2913 805-886-2913 and happy to serve people and do my best to make a a great memory in a great moment for you so if people want want to contact me feel free to reach out and and I'll get back to you it really is and I think
but I wanted to ask you as far as I know that you talked about that there are a couple landlines that you know people go through in their first year of marriage and also if you had any advice for somebody that's getting married just coming in the next year or if there is any little tidbit that you can leave people with the number one issue I find over and over again from couples that creates really a deeper issue with a parent issue it's the bride's inability to say no to her mom or dad or and the groom I seen both ways it's not usually one way or the other it's been 50 50 it's just so hard for us to create healthy boundaries with our parents but in order for us to you don't have a healthy marriage week we have in some ways we have two parents our parents and we have to say mom and dad you know what we're
we're not coming home this Christmas and I know somebody like you know what you're going to have a better marriage if you if you set some clear healthy I'm not being mean spirited I'm talking about being clear and being in charge of your own marriage and protecting it and preserving you know those healthy boundaries and I think that's a huge landline I take another one is just again and got them deals with it but it's it's the conflict stuff how we deal with conflict and we have to learn healthy ways to deal with the disagreements the misunderstandings and when we get into attacking the person and being you know using contempt and and being disrespectful that's when couples get in deep trouble according to Cottman and all his research and so if you're if you're not handling conflict in a healthy way I would say get some help on that
ashamed of that and I've been married for 30 years and I've been in lots of counseling and that you do you go to a doctor to get a physical check up you're supposed to go every year I tell Kyle to go get a marriage checkup every year my wife and I did that for 20 years just say we don't think there's anything wrong but we would she want you to poke around our relationship and see if there is that could be one of the most part of the police have never heard of that before I married when I do they're waiting let's do a six-month or one-year checkup don't wait till you're going well we're going to get divorce that's too late just go every year and say hey poke around until you my wife and I there were so many years in the therapist office where we sat there and we in any said man you guys are doing great and then there were other years we went in and we thought we were doing great and then he started asking him questions and he said
I'd like to see you next week but it was great and you're getting a spective that help you to grow a healthy marriage which is what we all want and you know any advice I would give for those that are getting married in the next year I have one of my best friend says a phrase that I've embraced in denica's applies to people getting married and I really hear me out it but the phrases by the best and cry once and it and what that means is there are people that try and cut Corners in life and I did this I bought a car and I didn't like the color but it was cheaper but every time I got in my car I was like I cried because inside because I didn't really get what I wanted vs. if I would have just spent a little bit more money and got what I really wanted I wouldn't and I would cry when
I hate when I paid for it at that moment but then every time I got in the car and enjoyed it I think whether it be hiring a wedding planner or a photographer or wherever you're going in a within your budget you got work within your budget but find out what issues most important to you and then I say by the best and cry once and then you'll just feel shaver you'll enjoy it for years to come rather than crying every time you think about your wedding and you go oh we cut corners on the minister any any totally totally created the cringe factor for everybody he fumbled a ceremony or we cut corners on so I think I'm being cuz we just have a couple minutes left but I think I did some beautiful music a different height and being able to make different choices and I want people to learn more about you and find you so you know please come back again but thank you so much today for your time
you're beautiful words of wisdom and thank you so much and you know for everybody I just want a gift what a blessing to be able to find you and to really to be able to Journey on that pathway if you want to step into your life so thank you thank you I love your show and I look forward to getting to know you even better
what a beautiful guests for this is beautiful descriptions of my heart is so open and so full right now and at least into next week's guests are next week's gas is actually a mandarin and I love Amanda she's one of my very favorite people and she is going to be talking to us and teaching us about how to speak the Unspeakable and really how to dive deep into communication strategy to explore how to communicate those unspeakable things effectively which is just amazing how to improve your personal relationships how to break through the block some resistance has had to learn conflict resolution in a relationship and reasoning and end especially in a data share your dreams and desires and you are most provocative thoughts and intimate thoughts and sell
I just think that it's just fabulous and beautiful and exciting and exhilarating she's going to be with us so please join us next week for Amanda rain and we still look forward to you joining us then so wishing you a wonderful week this is Nicole Brandon with hourglass pride and so many things to today's Cash after John Ireland and leaving you with his beautiful descriptions of words