welcome to from trauma to true love the podcast where we break the cycle of painful relationship and build deep lasting love you can trust I'm leaving read a relationship coach speaker and author of freedom from shame, forgiveness and healing from sexual abuse<br> I'm here to help you release the invisible wounds from your past that may be holding you back from your love you truly desire in each episode will uncover the hidden patterns shaped by early childhood trauma Explorer how they impact your relationship today and guide you toward creating the partnership you were going to have<br> whether you're looking to attract the one deep in an existing connection or finally feel safe and loved this is a space to discover with possible let's dive into your journey from trauma to life<br> doesn't your host Leyla Reyes and his podcast is a canvas of sword with with each episode we paint a stroke on the larger picture of gaining freedom from the impact of childhood sexual abuse<br> do exploring the distinctions in my book Freedom from shame trauma forgiveness and healing from sexual abuse we're on a journey toward Liberation from the chains of past harmful experiences in our last episode we had the lovely him O'Hara author of no longer denying sexual abuse Kim generously shared her difficult yet in lightning Journey out of denial so if you miss that episode I highly recommend giving it a listen her story and insides are a Beacon of Hope for anyone living with the aftermath of abuse<br> today we're going to take another step forward venturing deeper into the topic of denial understanding denial its mechanisms and its impact this is all pivotal for the healing Journey<br>Celeste let's take a minute to just Define denial let's just look at that for a moment it it's a word that you might hear you might as well hold on here is it weird that you might hear often but what does it truly mean especially in the context of childhood sexual abuse so there two types of denial that I've been thinking about recently at especially since my conversation with Kim and it's important to distinguish them the first type of denial is when someone has done something and they lie about it<br> this type of denial is a protection from loss and will will certainly talk about this type of denial and another episode on mention it again a little bit later just to make a comparison but today the type of denial that we're going to be exploring is what the Survivor of childhood sexual abuse experiences the majority of it anyway<br> denial is a wonderful defense mechanism when we encounter trauma and from this perspective from the perspective of trauma denial is our psyches guardian and can help us get through the trauma so just imagine if you will feel that our mind unconsciously holds up intending to protect us from unbearable pain that reality might inflict on us and this Shield however is double-edged whereas denial guards us from immediate pain when the trauma is happening denial also block the path to Healing from trauma we haven't addressed as adults<br> so why would we stay in denial why would we do that we have the social stigma of abuse and most people don't talk about talk about the abuse they're afraid that people will think what people will think about them or they might not talk to can in in order to continue protecting the person who hurt them<br> and so those are a couple of the the reasons why someone might stay in denial some people might feel embarrassed or the under play the abuse by telling them that was it wasn't that bad<br> and when were were well denial will protect us it there's also a cost to it and the trouble with denial when the trauma happened years or decades ago when it happened when we were kid is that we end up repeating unconscious patterns they keep it stuck in this felt sense of when the abuse occurred so we engage in automatic behaviors where we end up hurting ourselves in ways that we wouldn't if we weren't in denial it's really important to be able to understand that process and the reason I care about helping people wake up out of denial is that I know it's on the other side a truly conscious present life where you discover that your own strength and capacities are bigger than any trauma you've experienced I actually want to say that again<br> it what is on the other side of denial is a truly conscious present life where you discover that your own strength and capacities are bigger than any trauma you've experienced from there you can be free from the impact of the abuse<br> so with that said if someone is truly in denial then they're probably not even aware that they need to get free<br> someone who is deeply embedded in denial is not ready to know the truth about what happened to them or perhaps they don't have the support system to guide them and unconsciously they're protecting themselves from opening something up that they don't have the support to get through and I would never want to push anyone who's not ready you know they're on their own path and on their own timing so and you know for anyone who is ready then my intention here I hope to inspire you to come out of denial and give you some hope for the future and some freedom from shame<br> so let's look at a few clues that you could be ready to wake up from denial so when you're on the the cusp of waking up from denial you could start to get a sense that something isn't quite right in your life but you don't yet know how to engage with your own internally and so here are the clues that tell you that you may be at this critical juncture<br> one clue<br> is that you might start having more emotional responses to situations that in the past didn't really bother you<br> this change could be due to the unconscious minds struggle to maintain the protective barrier of denial against emerging truth is kind of like the walls you've built to protect yourself are starting to show cracks and emotions are often times the first sign of the structural breaking apart or opening up we could stay so if this is happening I would encourage you to keep going there's a saying that I've heard and I really I really like to thank destruction before creation<br> I don't remember where I heard that from but it is it's out it is absolutely true I found that the old does need to follow away before something new can be create a second clue<br> that you are ready to come out of denial is that you might begin to ask deeper more reflective questions about your feelings and your behaviors or about recurring patterns in your life<br> these questions often arise from an unconscious inner knowing that something isn't quite right so this indicates that subconscious Readiness to explore beyond the surface of what you have been aware of<br> it's as if you're piecing together a puzzle but you can't quite see the full picture yet<br> another clue is in any Sudden Change that you have a spending to be a gradual change in how you relate to yourself or others so you might withdraw from relationships that seem superficial or harmful or unsafe or you might seek deeper connections with people both are true and this shift doesn't it often comes from this emerging awareness that your current environment or relationships are not aligned with your true self or your needs so if this happens and take a breath and know that something is Shifting something is moving in your life and you're okay<br> another clue we got a couple more clues here and you could probably add some to this I'm sure but another clue is related to the body which holds and expresses what the Mind cannot so it should pique your interest if you have any unexplained physical symptoms of a sudden interest in the health of your body or a shift towards shelf Health Care practices might indicate that you're subconsciously beginning to acknowledge the trauma you that you've experienced it also possible to have a turning away from ways that you previously cared for yourself so either way it says though the body is signaling to the mind<br> it's time to heal<br> another clue that you're coming out of denial this is the last one that I have for you today is an increase in vivid dreams or nightmares having dreams related to the abuse can be the subconscious mind processing the trauma and pushing it closer to the surface of your conscious awareness and the these dreams might not always be direct representations of the abuse and that I think that's really important they could symbolize themes do of powerlessness fear or Escape since you're having these kinds of dreams it could be the psyches way of communicating unresolved issues that need attention and that you're ready to address<br> if you recognize these clues in yourself or someone else it could be an indication of being on that cusp of moving beyond denial it's a significant step forward and towards healing and rediscovering your strengths and capacities beyond the trauma<br> it's important to approach this transition if you're experiencing it with compassion and support and possibly with professional guidance to help you navigate the complexities of healing from childhood sexual abuse and that waking up from denial can can be a critical juncture there that might serve you to have some extra support the event can wake us up out of denial some people like my last guest on the left episode Kim O'Hara she didn't remember the abuse until something triggers the memories and then then then she began her journey and that can happen for us as well that some kind of event triggers your memory or you start to get these these kinds of a different kind of a clue I guess<br> because of the the denial that that you've been in if this is what's going on it can feel like the abuse is happening in current time just a felt sense in your body to waking up from this type of denial can actually be quite challenging and as I mentioned probably better navigated with a therapist or with some kind of professional support<br> so for me I was always aware of the abuse but I was in denial about the impact that it had on my life<br> I had an Abrupt wake up moment back in the early 80s when I got engaged to be married and instead of being really over the moon to have my person I woke up the next day to this visceral feeling of Terror and what will what I was most concerned about was not my dress and that I would wear or the venue I was worried about my unborn children<br> and and I didn't want them to be hurt in the way that I had been hurt so it was in that moment of waking up is the event that woke me up where I knew that I needed to confront my father and so I did that day then the next day I drove down two hours I would like a 2-hour drive down to my father's house and I sat across from him and gave him an ultimatum either he's going to take responsibility for what he did and we'll get help or he won't ever see his grandchildren and he looked at me and he said you know what I can do this and so that's where where my journey began to his credit he didn't deny anything instead he arranged therapy for us both and we went on a healing Journey both individually and together so because of his courage to face the truth of what he did and the impact it had and to get help<br> he ended up becoming one of my dearest friends in life so this possibility is not that you know of the norm out there who fully realize that but it is it is a possibility because it happened with me so yeah<br> but waking up for denial is where where we've got to go with it and like with my dad like what I said not everyone is willing to face their demons the way that my father did but that doesn't have to stop your healing doesn't have to stop your healing if you don't have someone there that hurt you anticipating you might not even want them to and that's totally fine as well but his taking responsibility certainly didn't end my suffering so don't go into denial about that kind of thing either it didn't impact and the impact of the abuse of my life including other times that I've been in denial didn't stop that so the impact of the abuse is something that I'm I'll always be aware of so you can heal this is what I've learned from that is that you can heal from the abuse but there's still an impact on your on your relationships and your life and how you relate to yourself and effects everything<br> so what I wanted to dive into a little bit now is a little bit around some conversation around denial and and who you like our conversation will change depending on who is in denial and so that the three areas that matter most here in this conversation is the offender of sexual abuse who's in denial the non-offending caregiver in a most often this has been the mom I'm sure this is changing but historically it has been certainly relating to my own experience of you know what our social fabric was back in the seventies and eighties were were looking at mom's still being that person and I'll talk a little bit more about that in a minute and then also the Survivor of sexual abuse and so each, each of these come with their own reasons for denial<br> and I mentioned that I'll have other episodes to discuss the offender's denial that he there's a distinction that I really want to make today about the offender's denial that I believe is different from the denial of the non-offending caregiver and the Survivor of sexual abuse that most often the offender the person who causes harm knows what they've done and they're denying their guilt this type of denial is to protect themselves it is a protection denial has I'm I'm kind of thinking it's always a protection but this is a denial to protect themselves they are aware of what they've done but there's just too much at stake to admit it there's too much to lose for them to<br> admit what they've done they could lose their social standing their respect their livelihood their home their family sometimes their freedom and in certain cases even their lives as I've mentioned in previous episodes sexual offenders also have the highest suicide rates and the timing of their death is often connected with the discovery of the abuse with making that public<br> we can use Jeffrey Epstein is a well-known example of you know where the top while the type of harm he caused isn't the focus of my work and and and research is still a good example of someone who couldn't live with himself after his crimes were made public and he did take his own life<br> so when we talked about the denial of these two other categories the non-offending caregiver and the Survivor I'm referring to the type of denial when you don't remember something or you block it out<br> it's most often and unconscious blocking of the truth of what happened and it's also these this denial is also a protection and it comes from I believe I believe that you can't handle knowing what happened or that you'll need to take responsibility for something you feel incapable of handling so those situations will be different depending on on who that is so for the mother it's going to be in most often I went at least but from what I've seen they're concerned about how they're going to take care of the kids and so that might be something that propels them into denial or the<br> Survivor of childhood sexual abuse maybe it's something like the responsibility I can't handle the responsibility I feel like I'm responsible for breaking up the family it's all my fault so these are some to some common common things that I've heard so being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse like I am anyone who's listening you you know that you kind of know that he's a sixth and swords and I remember a time many years ago is it a little bit difficult to share a little there's not another story that I want to share with you but I think it did make the point here about denial<br> I'm so I was in a department store waiting to get some pictures taken and it was busy and sitting in the corner was a father we started I think it was that he was the father with though she was probably about four year old girl standing up on his lap and and this is back in the I don't know I want to stay 80s something like that and she was wearing a yellow dress and there was something really odd about this picture like it caught my attention every other fathers there with their daughters but none of them really caught my attention like this it just felt out of place and if they looked more directly I noticed that his hand was inside of her dress in a way that it shouldn't have been and our eyes locked for a moment and I knew what he was doing but I looked away<br> that's denial and then I blocked that memory out until years later when I was having some pictures taken again so this didn't you know this type of denial comes with self-doubt I must be wrong I did my eyes must not be you know I still like I guess I could still be wrong but that's expensive I know and so the but the self-doubt oh he wouldn't do that nobody does that to kick I you do you question your own eyes I know I did<br> and this type of denial comes also with not wanting to see what is there really not wanting to see what is there I did not want to see that I still don't be quite honest with you<br> are there can be an uncomfortable unconscious turning the other way so you don't have to see the red flags and and that's and I'm referring to in<br> in families you know we we don't want to see the red flag so we'll turn the other way like I turned the other way when I the I caught guy's eyes so our social fabric can keep this type of denial in place and I really you know I contemplate I really wonder what would have happened if I had said something instead of Turning Away would I have gotten in trouble what if I was wrong<br> and there I am protecting the person causing harm instead of the person being harmed so not willing to take a risk and name what I'm seeing and I'm not I'm not suggesting we go out and do that or not I'm just bringing that to into the space here because it's a real life experience that I had and maybe some of you have had these senses the six senses that something isn't quite right and then what are you doing about it and are these children in your care and are you willing to take a stand for them<br> so that's just something to eat a little inquiry<br> I read a report and its 2018 report from the iic essay which is the independent inquiry into child sexual abuse now I haven't read all the report yet but it has tons of great information about denial from a historical sense and I found it fascinating what impacted me most about this report was the way it lays out how the way that childhood sexual abuse has been related to buy people by our society over the years and I want to give you a little bit of an overview if you want to read the entire article you can search for 2018 II CSA report 2018 II CSA report<br> in the context of denial the ways we Define childhood sexual abuse has changed over time and I'm really curious how these perceptions contribute to our denial of childhood sexual abuse as a society I'm really curious about that and this report just brought some of that too light for me it seems that when the naming of childhood sexual abuse changes so does our perception of it and what were in denial about for example and I'll mention this a couple times here probably but<br> there was a time when we called this type of a type of childhood sexual abuse child prostitution and then over time the name of it changed it still childhood sexual abuse in my book but the name of it changed we we renamed it to call it child sexual exploitation so even that this definition even denies it in denies childhood sexual abuse and its language while it may also be a type of exploitation we really should be naming it correctly as childhood sexual abuse<br> little historical tour in the 1940s we're going to cut it down since about there's some overlap here but we'll we'll get through this and kind of get a sense of how alter his and if I don't know if I could say evolvd I don't think I can say that really but it's changed a little bit so the 1940s to the 1960s could be called the era of minimal recognition and the other ring of perpetrators<br> the mid-twentieth century is an area where we believed that we we believed and it is hard to believe that we believe this to be honest with you we believe that childhood sexual abuse with extremely rare and if it did happen the belief was that it didn't cause harm so just imagine if this if our society is our people Everyone is like is not like it doesn't happen well we're not going to be looking for it we're not going to be asking about it we're not going to be concerned with it and then if it did we're not going to happen and we become aware of it going to really provide the kind of support for the healing support that a kid would need to work through that because we didn't believe it cause harm so why would we<br> why would we provide healing to the situation where we did not believe that there was anyone caused<br> yeah that's crazy to even bring that in here but I think it's important to understand how denial evolves over time to or defaults I'm not sure which it is honestly so I'm going to say this one more time that we believed that childhood sexual abuse was extremely rare and if it did happen that belief was that it did not cause harm so because of this believe what we believe in society there was also a there was a lack of professional acknowledge me I didn't didn't say that directly minute I said it but not directly but here it is no professional acknowledgement that contributed to a significant Gap in understanding and addressing childhood sexual abuse so during the time during this era childhood sexual abuse was also perceived as being confined to certain social<br> reflecting and societal bias there was a misconception that childhood sexual abuse was more prevalent among lower socioeconomic classes and tied to broadhurst stereotypes about poverty and marginalized communities suggesting that such plant families were more prone to sexual abuse and this is absolutely absurd but what was the reason I'm even bring that into the conversation is because it begs the question who were these beliefs protecting<br> and like that is something to contemplate when were when were focusing the attention over here on a group of people who are we bringing the attention away from<br> so this is the this is something to contemplate I really want you to take some time and we might discuss this in more depth at another time that it but it's absolutely imperative that we understand that how these Dynamics work in art world<br> an endless the thinking at the time was not only unfounded but it was it was incredibly harmful to our children who were being abused and and overlooked and it was harmful to the people being wrongly accused as the problem<br> a blaming culture created and create significant barriers to recognizing and addressing the widespread nature of childhood sexual abuse making it super difficult to support survivors making it really difficult for survivors to get help<br> I was born in the sixties and can relate most to the 1970 you know that mean that this era that I'm going to talk about now goes for 1970 to 1990 but but you know the seventies is really where I grew up in and and the beliefs that were embedded in our culture at that time and I think that one of the most disturbing believe that this time<br> is that we believe the children had an innate sexuality that caused them to seek out or to initiate sexual activity or to respond to it when approached by an adult<br> and well children I mean we are all sexual beings but this particular idea and way of thinking in our in our culture completely deflects the responsibility away from the perpetrators and onto the victims of abuse the thinking at this time was that the that abuse was a result of girls being promiscuous and putting themselves at risk through their own behavior again absurd absolutely absurd to blame the victim you know I'm going to be talking about you. I want to bring bring a layer I want to eliminate blame all together and bring in a layer of responsibility and I'll certainly be talking about that over you knowing that I mean episodes how do you know what what we are responsible for in and how to you know how to work with.<br> to end abuse<br> alright so in the latter half of the twentieth century another shift that we see is a is a focus towards family Dynamics and alarmingly even more towards victim responsibility a narrative began to emerge that placed blame now on the mother's Rule and either colluding with or failing to prevent abuse which then perpetuated a cycle of blame built within families that were already strained by the abuse<br> now I grew up in an air in the era where everything was Mother's fault and before we blame Mom it's important to understanding history of child protection or lack thereof children were first entitled to protection under the laws against animal cruelty when I first discovered that I was blown away but we children had no protection until it got passed where they were considered animals we were all children so we were all well in that category and we didn't have any major legislation addressing child abuse and neglect until 1974 when Congress enacted capita which is the Child Abuse Prevention and treatment Act<br> no not that I have an answer to this right now but I find it really interesting as I Was preparing for today in reading this this report and then you know kind of integrating it with my own personal experience I find it interesting that we started blaming the non-offending a non-offending caregiver when children started being protected by the law and so somehow blame is still being diverted away from the stereotypical male offender<br> and so the tendency for society to blame the non-offending caregiver might just be a reason that Mom would go into denial I mean if everyone staying this is happening because you didn't protect this person isn't that taking the putting the attention away from the person who caught the harm was responsibility is that I mean this is a lot to talk about for sure but if I was a mom going through that at that time I would absolutely be more inclined to be in denial than to take responsibility when all the fingers are being pointed at me for what I didn't do to protect my kid and I think this is pretty common actually<br> and who wouldn't necessarily told you that your mothering was inadequate when you get a little defensive little bit maybe<br> you know in and when I think about my own mom like I know she was in denial of the abuse that happened to me and after reading this article I'm thinking I was a little hard on her and I blamed her I blamed her for not protecting me more than I blamed my father for hurting me so there I am right in in the throes of the societal thinking she really got the short end of the stick and reading this report helps me to see how impacted I was by the thinking during the time<br> I recently read in another research article talking about the effect of a mother's Denial on the victim and the research kind of supported my experience or highlighted it or infirm I experienced the findings reveal that the most Troublesome issue is not the psychological consequences of the abuse<br> but rather the anger toward the mother for repeatedly witnessing the abuse and subsequently denied all knowledge of it<br> and when non-offending caregivers don't believe the kid or even worse blame the kid they add a level of of avoidable totally avoidable trauma to the child's experience statistics show that children who have no parental support have a lot more emotional disturbances in kids with support and I can certainly relate to that because I didn't feel that support I didn't really didn't really get the support that I needed and and that made it much more difficult for me for sure<br> so it's kind of look at the 2002-2010 in this era we've witnessed an increase in increased deflection of responsibility or example of an Institutional level we will build the institution will deflect responsibility and by blaming the abuse on what would be called a few bad apples and instead of taking responsibility for creating safety inside of the organization to just say yes is happened yes we we didn't have these protocols in place or yet whatever it might be instead the deflection is oh it's it's this person it's not the organization or maybe the organization could take some responsibility on some level and I'm sure we could explore that at a later time<br> the report also going back to the report a little bit and this was it that was a little side note with a research that I read this the report brings to light a Common Thread of denial<br> and it's shifting of blame that is a barrier a total barrier to our ability to effectively address and prevent childhood sexual abuse I believe that it's only through acknowledging these patterns and working to understand their impact can we hope to move towards a future where such abuses are not only recognized but prevented<br> I want to talk a little bit now about why someone would be in denial I mentioned it a little little little flavor of it earlier but denial can manifest for various reasons fundamentally denial is a defense mechanism it's a psychological strategy that our minds employed to protect us from the tidal waves of emotions that the truth might unleash<br> the fear of retraumatization the stigma attached to sexual abuse childhood sexual abuse the overwhelming sense of Shame and the potential for upheaval in our personal relationships these are just a few of the daunting mountains but denial helps us to momentarily avoid<br> yet this avoidance in this avoidance we find ourselves stuck unable to move forward and unable to heal<br> recognizing denial is the first step in dismantling its hold over is it requires immense courage to peer into the mirror of our experiences and acknowledge that reflection staring back but here's the truth breaking down the veil of denial is the dawn of our healing Journey it's the beginning it's the moment we reclaim our power not as victims but as survivors as Warriors<br> I want to ask you to ask yourself some of these questions just to you know give yourself a little of your own assessment to see if you're coming out of denial or where you are on that trajectory and so there's a there's five questions to consider<br> is there a shift in my emotional responses to situations that previously didn't affect me<br> and you might want to think about the different situations circumstances that would wear this is true<br> the second question am I beginning to ask deeper more reflective questions about my feelings behaviors or recurring patterns in my life<br> am I beginning to ask deeper more reflective questions about my feelings behaviors are recurring patterns in my life<br> a yo-yo you'll notice that as you<br> start to come out of denial you're at you're going to be a bit curious<br> and that curiosity is a good thing the third question is it have I experienced any sudden or gradual changes and how I relate to myself or others or am I seeking deeper connections or withdrawing from relationships<br> so sudden or gradual changes and how you're relating or speaking deeper connections or withdrawing is your big indications that something's up<br>the fourth question have I noticed any unexplained physical traumas physical symptoms symptoms of a sudden interest in taking care of my body or a shift away from self care practices as can be<br> it's noticed if you're having any of those show up in your life<br> and the fifth question am I experiencing an increase in vivid dreams or nightmares may be related to the abuse<br> so if you if you answered yes to these questions then it it might be time to start exploring a little bit more asking yourself some more questions there are two impacts of denial that I want to address today and the first is the impact of denial on our closest relationships sexual abuse absolutely impacted my relationships but denying its impact is what created a greater barrier to intimacy so the way that it showed up for me is it when my partner said I think this is impacting Hugh I think what happened to you is impacting you I would get to pensive and insist that it did not impact me<br> and I didn't want to see the way the ways that abuse affected me so I was adamant about it not bothering but the truth is that not wanting to see how the abuse has impacted me impacting me prevented me from getting the help I needed to stop them abuse from him acting kind of funny how that happened so I'm going to stay that when we're not wanting to see how the abuse was impacting me that's denial prevented me from getting the help I needed to stop the abuse from impacting me which was the cost of denial so the second impact of denial is to our children when were in denial about childhood sexual abuse<br> when were in denial about childhood sexual abuse whether it's about how many children are being abused who's being abused the reason they're being abused or was doing the accusing we are we are all doing a great disservice to the future generation who will be ill-equipped to handle their own abuse when the cycle repeats so let's wake up out of the trance of<br>let's wake up out of the trance if the Nile<br> deal with the issues head-on<br> and create a world where talking about childhood sexual abuse in responsible and resourceful ways is what stops is<br> can you say that again let's wake up out of the trance of denial deal with the issues head-on and create a world where talking about childhood sexual abuse in responsible and resourceful ways is what stops it<br> to confront and move Beyond denial begins with having a safe space for a sells a space where we can gently and without judgment acknowledge our experiences support systems play a crucial role here whether it's therapy support groups or trusted loved ones so if you're ready to wake up from denial and then take a big risk and get some kind and compassionate support to guide you out of denial and into freedom<br> so that's it for today everyone I'm thankful to have this time with you and wish you a fully conscious life where you're enjoying happy healthy and safe belaytionship I'll see you next time on courageous conversations with Leyla Reyes<br>thank you for joining me on this episode of from trauma to true love I honor your courage for being here taking steps towards the love and connection that you truly desire I've been there too stuck in painful pattern longing for love but Unsure how to create it in a way that felt safe real and Lasting you don't have to figure it all out on your own if you ready to explore with been holding you back and discover with truly possible for your relationship I would love to support you visit Leyla Reyes l e i l a r e y e s Leyla Reyes and schedule a call today will take the first step together tour the Deep meaningful love that you were born to her<br> I can't wait to connect with you until next time take good care of yourself and know that real Lasting Love is within your reach<br>