It Starts Now, April 8, 2026
It Starts Now with Juanita R. Dillard
In this episode of It Starts Now, host Juanita sits down with spiritual and emotional expert Jennifer Palmer to explore the "quiet fade"—the subtle, drama-free dissolution of friendships that occurs when one party stops initiating contact. The conversation delves into the spiritual purpose of relationships, the necessity of healing childhood wounds, and the liberating power of removing social masks as we age.
The Anatomy of the "Quiet Fade"
The "quiet fade" is characterized by a lack of drama, arguments, or explosive endings. It is the moment an individual realizes that a relationship only exists because they are the sole initiator; once that effort stops, the connection simply vanishes. Jennifer Palmer explains that relationships often operate on "seasons and reasons," suggesting that some connections are simply complete once their spiritual or emotional purpose has been served. Rather than a source of grief, this can be viewed as a natural evolution of the self.
Relationship Dynamics: The Two Paths of Ending
The Abrupt Blowup
Triggered by conflict, trauma, or betrayal. Often leaves "heart wounds" that require active closure.
The Quiet Fade
A subtle retreat when initiation ceases. Signifies a "season" has ended naturally without ill will.
Spiritual Roots and Inner Child Wounding
The tendency to "chase" relationships or feel distressed by their end often stems from deep-seated wounding. Jennifer highlights that our human ego frequently seeks validation—asking if we are "lovable enough, good enough, or safe enough"—through our interactions with others. Many of our coping mechanisms, such as hiding, running, or over-initiating, are managed by our "inner teenager" reacting to a "wounded inner child". Since the global shifts of 2020, there has been a significant increase in people retreating inward, which has amplified feelings of loneliness but also created a collective call for deeper internal healing.
Authenticity and the "Mask" of Likability
As individuals age, particularly past 50, there is often a shift away from "people-pleasing" and toward radical authenticity. Juanita shares her experience of outgrowing the effort required to maintain one-sided friendships and finding joy in new, often younger, social circles that offer reciprocal energy. Jennifer emphasizes that true connection requires removing the "masks" we wear to be likable. While taking off the mask may attract more critics or "haters," it is a vital process for self-realization and finding deep, unconditional love for oneself.
Guest Resource: Soul Growth & Awakening
Jennifer Palmer offers a virtual community for those seeking to go deeper into their healing journey.
- Platform: Skool (Virtual)
- Focus: Meditations, healing protocols, and spiritual teachings.
- Access: Twice-monthly live sessions with Jennifer.
Key Data
- Jennifer Palmer's Age: 52.
- Course Pricing: The "Soul Growth and Awakening" community is priced at $22 per month.
- Live Sessions: Group sessions occur twice a month.
To-Do / Next Steps
- Evaluate Initiation Patterns: Reflect on current friendships to see if you are the only one initiating; consider if the relationship still aligns with your current "season".
- Perform an "Inner Audit": When a friendship trigger occurs, look within to see if it is touching a wound related to being "lovable" or "safe" rather than focusing on the other person's behavior.
- Practice Unconditional Self-Love: Focus on self-realization to become comfortable with being alone, ensuring that future social connections are chosen for joy rather than to fill a gap of loneliness.
- Communicate Directly: Instead of "testing" a friendship by pulling back, consider having an honest conversation about the "vibe" or connection to avoid unnecessary pain from assumptions.
Conclusion
The "quiet fade" is not a sign of failure, but often a sign of clarity. As we age and commit to inner healing, our social circles naturally shift to reflect our most authentic selves. By letting go of the need for external validation and embracing the "seasons" of life, we move from a place of loneliness to a place of spiritual peace.
It Starts Now
It Starts Now with Juanita Dillard, Embracing The Beauty of Growing Older!
Podcast Bio: is a lively, conversational podcast that flips the script on aging. Hosted by veteran mea groomer and beauty expert, Juanita Dillard. This show is a fresh, funny, and feel good-space where getting older is celebrated-not dreaded.
Each episode offers a blend of uplifting stories, personal reflections, and candid conversations, with guests who are living boldly and aging out loud. From retirement dreams and travel goals, to wellness, style, and reinvention. Nothing's off limits-except politics. We're all about joy, freedom, and grown-folk fun.
Whether you're 50 or just fabulous, It Starts Now invites listeners to lean in, laugh more, and love the life they're living-right now!
00:00
Speaker 1
(music plays) Hi. This is Juanita, and this is It Starts Now, the podcast that celebrates grown folk joy, bold conversations, and living your best life after 50. Join me, your host, Juanita, as I talk real talk about life, wellness, relationships, style, and everything in between, always with laughter, zero politics. You can catch us now on BBS Radio TV, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, or wherever you listen to your podcasts. Your Best Life (laughs) starts now. Welcome, welcome, welcome back to It Starts Now, you know, the podcast that gives you all that good stuff about you getting old but you feeling great, 'cause we're not getting old, we're just feeling great.
01:14
Speaker 1
(laughs)
01:14
Speaker 2
(laughs)
01:15
Speaker 1
You know what? You know what's so funny today? So, first of all, Mother Nature is on crack, because she was, she wa- she wasn't using last week. Last week, she was in the, uh, you know, 60s... I mean, 70s and 80s. I think Mother Nature is back using again, because it was 30 degrees today and me and the dog were not prepared for this type of weather. I want to live in the land of spring, (laughs) but, you know, Mother Nature has her own ideas. So, you know, I digress. You know, I, I love this show, this show idea, and I saw this idea. Um, I was reading this article, um, in s- uh, a psychology magazine. Yeah, I do read all kinds of stuff, and it did pop out on me. But it's, it's, it's this, this... The story was about, uh, talking about a quiet fade, and if you don't know what that means, Jennifer Palmer, she's gonna break it down. J- Jennifer is one of my f- one of my favorite people, one of my favorite guests. She, she knows all this. She knows everything.
02:18
Speaker 1
Every time I have a problem, I ask her. She comes on the show. She breaks it down, because she is just that good. And she's gonna also tell us about her, uh, her new school that she has, or her new course that she has, coursework, um, which is also very excellent. But the quiet fade, it's, y-... If you don't know what that mean, it's th- it's... This one, it's not li-... It's, you know, where you find out that, you know, you're the person who, uh, you know, you got older and your friends, the, or the people that were around you, they seem like they only come around when you initiate stuff all the time, or, you know, you're always the initiator. You're always the person who comes up with stuff. And then, all of a sudden, you realize, "I am getting old, and I don't really care if these people come around me anymore." And I'm not saying everybody, because we know we have friends, we have longtime friends that have been in our lives forever, and they're still a part of our lives.
03:19
Speaker 1
But it's... This one, it's not loud. It's, it d- it doesn't come with drama. It doesn't come with arguments. It's, it's subtle. It's the moment that you stop reaching out. Y- you know what I mean, Jennifer? Like, you realize-
03:34
Speaker 2
Mm-hmm.
03:34
Speaker 1
... that some people will never reach back.
03:36
Speaker 2
Yeah. Yeah. I get it.
03:40
Speaker 1
And it's just... It's, it's like you don't even realize it's happening, until after I read that article. And when I reached out to you, and I said, "Here's a subject matter. Can you deal with this? Can you ta-..." And she was... She started throwing out all this stuff.
03:55
Speaker 2
(laughs)
03:55
Speaker 1
And I said... And I was like, "You know what? I don't even need to ask. I'm just gonna say, 'Okay, Jennifer, this, we're having, um, we're having this s- show today. Are you available?'" Because between you and Vicky, you all are my go-tos, because you all are so vast in everything that's out there. So, I wanna welcome Jennifer to the show. And I... You know, first thing's first, I, I wanna ask Jennifer, you know, from a spiritual and emotional standpoint, why do some relationship tend to fade when we stop initiating?
04:30
Speaker 2
You know, it's, it's very interesting, and every relationship is different, of course. But, you know, you always hear the phrase, "There are seasons and reasons for relationships and connections," right?
04:40
Speaker 1
Mm-hmm.
04:40
Speaker 2
And we all have our time and place together, and sometimes things are done. They're complete. There's not a need for a relationship any longer, and it can just fade away. Sometimes they will end more abruptly or, or more hurtfully, um, but other times they just fade into the night.
05:01
Speaker 1
Wow. Yeah, because, you know, we, we outgrow the effort. I mean, we literally just outgrow the effort, and the effort means that we just stop wanting to be that person who wants to please pe-... And we're just, we just retreat. We go back. And I'm not gonna call myself an introvert. I, I... Well, I think I'm both, because I took a test one time, and it says I was-
05:25
Speaker 2
(laughs) Yeah.
05:26
Speaker 1
... a, I was an interver- uh, introvert, introverted but extroverted, and it was both of 'em. So, I'm not gonna say I'm an introvert. But I'm slowly, Jennifer, I think, I'm becoming that person.
05:39
Speaker 2
Well, you know, it's interesting, because, well, we all have things that we're here to learn from, right? And the people that we're in relationship with, even, even more superficially, it serves a purpose. And on a spiritual level, on an emotional level, you know, we all need certain levels of support. We all need feedback. Uh, you know, our human ego...... and the wounding within us needs to know if we are lovable enough, if we're good enough, if we're safe enough. And we often project and reflect those to each other. And, you know, it's almost like we're little children in our wounding because, you know, when we have traumas and things, it usually happens as children, and that's usually how we're defined as a foundation. Um, it can be healed of course. But, so we have our wounded inner child and then we have our inner teenager that's learned how to manage everything. You know?
06:38
Speaker 1
Mm-hmm.
06:38
Speaker 2
We have our coping mechanisms. Our rebellion, our hiding, our running, all of that is our coping mechanism. And so we're constantly running up against each other, trying to find ways to heal that, um, and interacting from the wounded parts of us. Um, so it, it can be tough. And so in, if we're not doing a lot of the inner work, we end up taking everything personally and there's a lot of pain that goes back and forth with that. Um, and ultimately we close our hearts, or we set up really strong boundaries and kick people out or, you know, (laughs) whatever it is that we decide to do. Um, sometimes we just hide.
07:23
Speaker 1
Mm-hmm.
07:24
Speaker 2
Y- you know, so as we get older, and you know I'm 52, so I'm definitely experiencing some of this, you know.
07:30
Speaker 1
Oh.
07:30
Speaker 2
And really even since, you know, a lot of things changed after 2020. (laughs)
07:36
Speaker 1
Right. Yeah, yeah.
07:37
Speaker 2
And, you know, more people have gone within. More people are hibernating and hiding. It's, I think more than ever we're experiencing loneliness and, uh, the heart wounds, and not enough people are, are going deeper within to do the healing, and, um, I think that's what we're being called to do.
07:58
Speaker 1
So I, you know, I love that reference to 2020 because I think that, um... and, and, and for me 'cause, you know, when I was forced to be home alone and not, not going out because of COVID and, you know, I started dealing with those feelings and emotions or whatever. And then, um, and, and, and I'm gonna throw that out there and I guess I'm a hear some feedback from that, but when I, I had my surgery recently and, um, you know, I, I, I always reference my sister 'cause she was my sh- she is my shero, and she was, she is like my best friend now. And I just, I, I watched people, how they stepped up to me, and I watched people, how they initiated with me as far as, you know, the healing, uh, "Are you okay?" Whatever.
08:40
Speaker 1
And I also noticed that if I don't go out of my way and start shit or start stuff, and, and plan stuff-
08:51
Speaker 2
(laughs)
08:51
Speaker 1
... it doesn't happen. And, and, and I, I don't like that anymore because now I'm at the part, the point where I'm just like, I want someone to say to me, "Hey, you know, let's do this. Hey, what are you doing, you know, this particular day? Let's get together." I don't like initiating anymore. It drives me... It's now driving me crazy to a point where I started finding myself hanging around new people. And the new people, get this, are younger.
09:21
Speaker 2
(laughs)
09:21
Speaker 1
They feed into me so well that I can't get enough of it. And, a- 'cause they plan everything. They're planning everything for me. They're like, and I don't even call, care if they call me Miss Juanita.
09:33
Speaker 2
(laughs)
09:34
Speaker 1
They're calling me Miss Juani- but they're planning everything. They're inviting me to everything. And I like that.
09:43
Speaker 2
Well, I think what I would say to some of this is, you know, when we are chasing people in relationships, which is what you're talking about.
09:52
Speaker 1
Yeah.
09:52
Speaker 2
You, you know, and it, you know, there's different versions of that of course. But when we're chasing each other, you know, whatever you chase tends to run from you. (laughs)
10:00
Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah.
10:01
Speaker 2
And, and so what is it that you're looking for in those relationships? And if you're not receiving what you're needing, there's two things you can do, find what you need elsewhere.
10:11
Speaker 1
Mm-hmm.
10:12
Speaker 2
And/or look deeper for why you're needing it.
10:15
Speaker 1
Mm-hmm.
10:16
Speaker 2
Right? So like I said, you know, we're always trying to find within each other to prove to ourselves, are we good enough, lovable enough, and safe enough?
10:27
Speaker 1
I love that.
10:28
Speaker 2
And-
10:28
Speaker 1
That is so true.
10:29
Speaker 2
... I mean, so when you, when you think about it, when, when you have friends that maybe are fading away or maybe you're fading away-
10:36
Speaker 1
Mm-hmm.
10:36
Speaker 2
... what is it that they or you are hiding from? What is it that you're seeking? What... Is it just to go out and have a good time? Or are you feeling lonely and you need to find someone to fill that gap? And if you're feeling lonely, then what is it that's underneath of that? Does that feel unsafe? Does that mean that you're not lovable? Does that mean that you suddenly start fearing that people think you aren't good enough for their friendship, right?
11:00
Speaker 1
Hm.
11:00
Speaker 2
So, and, and maybe all of that is true. Maybe they are holding something against you in some way. But whatever it is, relationships are easy ways to find within us what still needs to be healed.
11:16
Speaker 1
And see, that's my next question. I was gonna ask you, how can you tell the difference between a friendship that's naturally e- evolving versus one that, you know, was never truly reciprocal in the, in the first place?
11:28
Speaker 2
Well, what I say to that is, you know, we all have our own inner universe, right? And so if something is triggering me around a friendship or something, where somebody has left my life or pulled away or-
11:39
Speaker 1
Mm-hmm.
11:40
Speaker 2
... or even just (laughs) gone out and stabbed me in the back or whatever happened, right? If it affects me emotionally, then there is healing there for me to do. So I focus on myself. I try not to look at the other person. I, I really try to look within me because that person has contracted with me-
11:59
Speaker 1
Hm.
11:59
Speaker 2
... to help me heal.
12:01
Speaker 1
Mm-hmm.
12:01
Speaker 2
So that's how I try to approach it. And-... you know, we all have people, and we cannot make everybody happy all the time, ever.
12:08
Speaker 1
Right. Right.
12:08
Speaker 2
Like, we just can't. And there are no two people in this world that see everything the exact same way. There's going to be chaos. There's gonna be division. There's going to be disagreements and judgment. You know, as human beings, we judge. And so when you start doing more and more of that inner work to try to heal and understand the purpose, you start to realize that, you know, you're doing all the same things.
12:35
Speaker 1
Yeah.
12:35
Speaker 2
Like, you're judging. Uh, you have aspects of you that need healed. Uh, you responded likely in a way that your, your inner teenager is taking the reign because your inner child is wounded. So, if we can start looking at that and, and honoring the challenge and the difficulty and the pain that that relationship may have brought, then you know that that's something for you to look at. If they just tend to fall out of life, you know, then they served a purpose. It's great if there's no inner wounding, there's no trigger there for you. You're not feeling offended by it.
13:10
Speaker 1
Right.
13:11
Speaker 2
They're not offended by it. Then it's just time to move on.
13:14
Speaker 1
Right. Yeah. And, and, and, and, you know, for, for someone who says, "Oh, I think you should try, you know, to fix it," and, and you're just like, "It, it was a season, it was great, but I'm good."
13:27
Speaker 2
That's it.
13:27
Speaker 1
And I don't think people understand that part 'cause they think, you know, you're being sarcastic, but I am literally, if I say I'm good, (laughs) I'm good.
13:36
Speaker 2
Well, I mean, that's like saying, okay, you had your favorite outfit when you were eight years old and it was awesome, you felt amazing in it, y- you know, it was your favorite thing, but is that what you're gonna wear when you're in your 50s?
13:47
Speaker 1
(laughs)
13:49
Speaker 2
(laughs) Just because you loved it at the time?
13:51
Speaker 1
Exactly.
13:52
Speaker 2
Right. No. So, you know, there, there, there are seasons for things, and, um, lovingly let go of what needs to move on.
14:00
Speaker 1
And I think people, when they, when they come up and say, "I think you should," whatever, and when you come back and you say, "No, I'm really good. I'm, I'm, I'm trying to tell you that I am good. I'm good with-"
14:12
Speaker 2
Yeah.
14:12
Speaker 1
"... whatever happened," and, "Well, I think..." It's like, if you don't get it, what I'm s- what I'm, what I'm saying to you as far as the, the good part, and I'll tell you I'm not good. I'll tell you, "Hey, this affected me to a point where I, I don't, I don't know what I'm gonna do," but, you know, saying that you're good, that takes strength.
14:34
Speaker 2
Right. Well, you know, and a lot of times though we say we're good when we're really not-
14:39
Speaker 1
Right.
14:39
Speaker 2
... and we're putting on a mask.
14:40
Speaker 1
Right.
14:41
Speaker 2
So, when we're wearing masks, that doesn't really do us any good in the long run. It helps us in the moment because-
14:47
Speaker 1
Yeah.
14:47
Speaker 2
... we have to move on, you know. But we all do it, right?
14:51
Speaker 1
Yeah. We do.
14:52
Speaker 2
We do.
14:52
Speaker 1
We do. And I'll admit when I'm being a mess, 'cause I'll, you know, especially if someone's close to me, I'll say, "No, I'm not good." I'm not gonna say I'm good. I'm gonna say, "No, this really, this is real- this really messed me up, but I'm gonna move on from it." But then when I come back to you and I say, "You know what, I am good now," that means that I've moved on, that I've actually put it, I put it to, you know, to rest, and I've spiritually conn- you know, spiritually reconnected with the good.
15:20
Speaker 2
Yeah, and the... (sighs) You know how a lot of people say you need, you need to forgive and let go?
15:27
Speaker 1
Oof, girl. No.
15:28
Speaker 2
Right?
15:29
Speaker 1
I am not that person.
15:31
Speaker 2
(laughs)
15:31
Speaker 1
(laughs) I'm just gonna throw that out there now. I do not forgive-
15:34
Speaker 2
(laughs)
15:34
Speaker 1
I don't forget and I don't forgive. I, I, I, it's hard for me to forgive. It's hard for me to forgive. It's... Okay, I'll say this. It's hard for me to forgive, but at some point, I do. I, I, I will do. But it's really hard for me to forgive.
15:48
Speaker 2
Well, let me ask you this. For those times that you've forgiven somebody, when you think of them, do you feel unconditional love or do you still feel a little bit of a pain?
16:00
Speaker 1
Ooh, girl. That was good. Um, there's no love. There's just, you know, vaya con dios, muchacho. I mean, it's, it's-
16:11
Speaker 2
(laughs)
16:12
Speaker 1
... it's, it's no love. It's, it's, you know, have a great life and, you know, you know, may-, you know, peace and blessings. That's it. It... I cut off people, I mean, and my sister used to say this all the time, but I have this, this thing where I can cut someone off to the point where I forget their name.
16:27
Speaker 2
Yeah. (laughs) Well, that's a coping mechanism.
16:30
Speaker 1
(laughs)
16:30
Speaker 2
Yeah, I mean, and that's a strong coping mechanism, and it's, it's been how you've survived heartache.
16:34
Speaker 1
Right. Right.
16:35
Speaker 2
Right? Um, I think ultimately in the spiritual universe of things, right, the idea of unconditional love is what we're aiming for.
16:44
Speaker 1
Right.
16:44
Speaker 2
And it's not easy. I mean, you see someone who really caused a lotta pain or who did something, you know, may- maybe they attacked you or beat you or, or, or it's worse, right?
16:53
Speaker 1
Right. Right.
16:53
Speaker 2
That, that's a really hard thing to forgive. They caused a lot of pain. But one of the most powerful things you can do for yourself, not for them, it's not about, you know, I'm sure everyone has heard this. It's not about saying that what that person did is okay.
17:08
Speaker 1
Right.
17:08
Speaker 2
Like, if they really hurt you. It's about realizing that it served a purpose.
17:13
Speaker 1
Mm-hmm.
17:14
Speaker 2
And that you're owning that purpose no matter what happened, and that you're using what happened to make yourself even better. So, how can you be of service to humanity with what you've been through?
17:29
Speaker 1
Right.
17:29
Speaker 2
Right?
17:29
Speaker 1
Yeah.
17:30
Speaker 2
And to unconditionally love the soul that chose to play that role for you. Not loving what happened and excusing what happened because, you know, in, in my world, I believe in karma.
17:45
Speaker 1
Right.
17:45
Speaker 2
You know, karma happens, but, you know, I also believe that it's not up to me to decide what that karma should be for that person.
17:53
Speaker 1
Hmm.
17:53
Speaker 2
Right? So, I let it go because I trust that there's a greater force that can handle it.
18:00
Speaker 1
Right.
18:01
Speaker 2
Right? So, it, it allows you to let things flow and to let things be, and you can move more easily with the relationships. Now, I'm not saying don't discern who you're in relationships with, don't try to figure out, you know, what feels in alignment, don't try to force things, of course.... but to flow, to trust that the universe, God, Creator, however you look at that, is gonna bring you the people you need for the next level of understanding and healing.
18:29
Speaker 1
Mm-hmm.
18:29
Speaker 2
Right?
18:30
Speaker 1
Mm-hmm.
18:31
Speaker 2
So, can you unconditionally love that? I think you can. Um, we- we often resist (laughs) those things because it hurts, but it's what we're here for. And if we can understand that, then maybe we can start to at least unconditionally love ourselves as we're going through the process of just self-realization and honoring who we are, and not needing to look for these things from other people. And the funny thing is, is when as we grow older, sometimes we come into harmony with that and we realize we don't need to find those things in other relationships and-
19:09
Speaker 1
Hm.
19:09
Speaker 2
... we feel very comfortable just being alone.
19:12
Speaker 1
Yeah.
19:13
Speaker 2
Like we're just enough. Um, and if we're gonna be with somebody, then it's just gonna be for joy.
19:18
Speaker 1
Right.
19:18
Speaker 2
Um, but other times, you know, it's, we've closed down our hearts. We haven't done the inner work, and we're still finding ourselves fading from each other because we're trying to protect ourselves. Um...
19:30
Speaker 1
But it, but what people... If you, if this, if you decide to say, you know, people looking around and, and if, "She's always by herself. She's always lonely." But is it really that you're lonely, or you just choose to be by yourself?
19:43
Speaker 2
Well, I'd say that depends on you.
19:44
Speaker 1
Yeah. Yeah.
19:45
Speaker 2
Right? I mean, I've met plenty of people. I mean, I'm actually one of them. I am fine. I don't need a bunch of friends. I don't need a lot of people to hang around.
19:52
Speaker 1
Right.
19:53
Speaker 2
I don't mind it. I enjoy it. I, I do tend to be more of an introvert. I, I recharge internally. Um, so if I go to a party or something, I'm good after two hours. (laughs)
20:03
Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
20:05
Speaker 2
But, but like I, I'm, I'm happy with me. I know who I am.
20:10
Speaker 1
A lot of people are not. A lot of people are not.
20:12
Speaker 2
Yes.
20:13
Speaker 1
E- especially when you get older, you, you just like, you know, "Where have my, where have my life gone?" You know, "Where... The friends that call theirselves friends, you know, what happened to them?" And then you just realize, I love being alone sometimes, a lot lately.
20:28
Speaker 2
(laughs)
20:28
Speaker 1
I mean, it's kinda, kinda messed up because my work, I'm always with, you know, dealing with everybody. And I think, I-
20:35
Speaker 2
(laughs) Yes.
20:35
Speaker 1
... actually think, Jennifer, that is why I am starting to pull back more because for 30 years, I've been dealing with that life, that, you know, being around people, being around fake people, being around good people, being around prestigious people. And then all of a sudden when someone goes, "Oh, you wanna go to this party? You know, it's gonna be bla..." I said, "I'm good. I don't, I don't need to go." But they think-
21:01
Speaker 2
Yeah.
21:01
Speaker 1
... you know, they don't understand that it's like, I've been doing this for 30 years. I'm, I'm wasted-
21:07
Speaker 2
And, and you think-
21:08
Speaker 1
... I'm blown out. (laughs)
21:09
Speaker 2
Yeah. (laughs) And you do change. I mean, I, I personally think that if you're doing life right, you are changing.
21:16
Speaker 1
Yeah.
21:16
Speaker 2
You're changing who you are, you're changing your beliefs and your understandings, and you're caring more, you're finding more love within you, and forgiving more. If you're doing these things and you're really working who you are, y- who you wanna be around is gonna shift. Because-
21:34
Speaker 1
You think it's fair to test a friendship? R- you know, by pulling back?
21:38
Speaker 2
Mm-mm. Well, no. I, I mean, I, I, I don't think... I think testing a relationship, it's, it's testing to see if somebody is loving you enough.
21:48
Speaker 1
Oh, okay.
21:49
Speaker 2
Right?
21:50
Speaker 1
Okay. Yeah.
21:50
Speaker 2
Um, I, I think maybe for me, in the way I look at it, maybe a healthier way is to just have a conversation. (laughs)
21:57
Speaker 1
Right. Yeah, yeah.
21:58
Speaker 2
Like, "Hey, you know, where are you at? I noticed that we, you know, maybe we're not in the same vibe or we're not doing the same things."
22:06
Speaker 1
Mm-hmm.
22:06
Speaker 2
"We're not connecting as much. What's going on?" You know, but a lot of people don't wanna have that conversation because of what might get said.
22:13
Speaker 1
Right. Right.
22:14
Speaker 2
And that's painful.
22:15
Speaker 1
Yeah. Yeah.
22:16
Speaker 2
So, you know, if we're running from pain, we're, we're, we're gonna wear those masks, and we're not gonna talk. (laughs)
22:24
Speaker 1
Exactly. So h- how do you know when a friendship has run its course?
22:29
Speaker 2
Well, I mean, it's either... It, it, there's, again, one of those two ways where it's either gonna blow up and it's not gonna be fun-
22:37
Speaker 1
Mm.
22:37
Speaker 2
... or it's gonna just kinda quietly go into the night, and there's no ill feelings, and you're just done, like it's just moved on.
22:46
Speaker 1
Like the quiet fade.
22:47
Speaker 2
Yeah. Yeah, and there's nothing wrong with that.
22:49
Speaker 1
Mm-hmm.
22:49
Speaker 2
And honestly, there's nothing wrong with the blowups either. It all serves a purpose.
22:53
Speaker 1
Right. Right. Are, are we holding onto history instead of connection?
22:58
Speaker 2
Right. Are you holding onto that, you know, that six-year-old or eight-year-old outfit? (laughs)
23:03
Speaker 1
Y- yeah. Exactly. Exactly. That you know you can't fit in again, but yeah.
23:08
Speaker 2
(laughs)
23:09
Speaker 1
(laughs)
23:09
Speaker 2
E- even if the size changed and they-
23:11
Speaker 1
(laughs)
23:11
Speaker 2
... they made it to fit you, would you really wanna wear it?
23:13
Speaker 1
Yeah, would you really wanna wear that?
23:15
Speaker 2
(laughs)
23:15
Speaker 1
I mean, really? Yeah. That's a-
23:17
Speaker 2
(laughs)
23:17
Speaker 1
... that's actually a great analogy, Jennifer.
23:20
Speaker 2
Yeah.
23:20
Speaker 1
That, oh-
23:20
Speaker 2
I mean, think about just some of your friends, you know, back when you were like, let's say, 15, and, and who you are now. And you, I mean, you might not even know who they are at this point, but think about-
23:32
Speaker 1
Mm-hmm.
23:33
Speaker 2
... they, who they were and how immature they were, and just like the craziness of being in high school, and just the rumors and the craziness that, you know. I mean, a lot of that still goes on even into your 50s, right? And-
23:44
Speaker 1
Right.
23:45
Speaker 2
... but hopefully, we've moved beyond that and we're looking for better, deeper, more caring, compassionate relationships, you know, more of that unconditional love. That's really what we're all seeking. And, uh, it's hard to find. You know, one time I was connecting with my guides and just, you know, trying to figure out things in a relationship. And what I heard was... In fact, I think I was speaking with Jesus, who I call Yeshua.
24:15
Speaker 1
Mm-hmm.
24:16
Speaker 2
But, uh, basically he was like, "Believe in humanity, but trust me."
24:22
Speaker 1
Mm.Mm-hmm.
24:24
Speaker 2
So, you know-
24:25
Speaker 1
I like that.
24:25
Speaker 2
... humans have a lot of faults.
24:28
Speaker 1
Yeah.
24:28
Speaker 2
We all do, right? We judge, we get hurt, we get jealous, we... Whatever, X, Y, Z, and it causes pain. But we need to believe in each other enough that we can heal beyond it, 'cause we do get better and better, and that's the goal. And if we're not getting better and better, then maybe it's time to go within and explore that.
24:55
Speaker 1
So, what does a healthy friendship look like at this stage in your life? Like, what would you consider a healthy... Like, your healthy friendships or, or a-
25:04
Speaker 2
Yeah, yeah.
25:05
Speaker 1
... a healthy friendship?
25:06
Speaker 2
Definitely my, my two cents, everybody would have their own point of view on this, but for me, it would be somebody that sees me for my intentions, that sees me for what I'm trying to do. I'm not perfect. Nobody is.
25:21
Speaker 1
Right.
25:21
Speaker 2
And we're all gonna make mistakes, right?
25:22
Speaker 1
Right.
25:22
Speaker 2
But I, I would hope that somebody sees me without judgmental eyes, unconditionally loves me, talks to me with what their needs are, and, and maybe how we can work together to just really enjoy life and our connection. And if we are meant to grow from it and, and have some sort of healing with it, things are gonna come up. And so when they do, that we agree that that's our connection, and we're going to look at it and appreciate it and love it and not ever go into any kinda blame. Um, but, you know, of course, if you think somebody's standing in that space and then they don't hold up their end of the bargain, you gotta have certain... I, I call it rules of engagement, other people call it healthy boundaries.
26:15
Speaker 1
Mm-hmm.
26:16
Speaker 2
The idea of boundaries, it's funny, I, and I talk to people about this sometimes, some of my clients. You know, boundaries, to me, feels like here's my hand, step on back, get out. (laughs)
26:29
Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah.
26:30
Speaker 2
Right? And, and it's usually done in anger.
26:34
Speaker 1
Mm-hmm.
26:35
Speaker 2
Right? And when you take an action like that in anger, you're creating a massive block in the relationship and in your heart.
26:45
Speaker 1
Right, right.
26:47
Speaker 2
And it's not to say that sometimes you don't need to do that, because especially if someone's abusive or dangerous, of course you have to take certain actions. But for the average friendship, that's not really necessary. It's more about healthy rule-setting. Like, "Okay, what is it I really want from the relationship? What is it I'm really looking for? What feels good to me? What aligns with goodness and purity and wholeness and happiness and healing?"
27:14
Speaker 1
Yeah.
27:15
Speaker 2
And if it's not that, it's probably more toxic, so you can have, like, codependency and, you know, narcissism and, you know, we can go down all kinds of roads with that. But all of that is toxic, and I don't really want to be a part of that.
27:30
Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah.
27:31
Speaker 2
It's, it's, you know, uh, I don't want to be the rescuer in a relationship. I don't want to always have victim mindset around me where I'm always needing to rescue people, right? So, that's, like, one of the things that a lot of us get into, and there's a codependency there of needing to rescue versus needing to be rescued.
27:48
Speaker 1
Rescued, right.
27:49
Speaker 2
Right? And, um, and nobody, nobody wants to be the victim in that, but, you know, we all play that role. We- we are all victims at times in relationships. And it's, it's complicated when you have really entangled relationships that are unhealthy, right? Trying to step out of it. Um, but it's important, right? Um, I, I think it's really wise for people to just start looking at what truly serves their growth and healing.
28:21
Speaker 1
Mm-hmm. Yeah, because, yeah, uh, you know, you just don't wanna continue to go to a situation where you're just like, "Okay, um, where's the alcohol 'cause I need to drink to get through this."
28:32
Speaker 2
(laughs)
28:32
Speaker 1
You know, it's, it's like... And I, and I've had situations like that recently, and I'm just like, "I don't wanna drink just so I can deal with you," and then I just get quiet, and I'm like, "Oh, look at the time, I gotta go."
28:42
Speaker 2
(laughs)
28:43
Speaker 1
"I've..." You know, "I've dranked all your alcohol, I'm good, and now I'm leaving." But I, you know, I, I'm, I'm so glad you, you, you know, you, you answered all these questions, but... And one last question I wanna ask, have you experienced a quiet fade? Like, do you personally, and what did it teach you about yourself?
29:03
Speaker 2
Yeah, I've experienced quiet fade, I've also experienced the blowups, and, um... But the quiet fade specifically, you know, it, it taught me, because usually when that happens, we, we're like, "Okay, what did I do wrong? What's wrong with me?" That's usually my go-to 'cause I think-
29:21
Speaker 1
Right.
29:21
Speaker 2
... "Uh-oh, some- I'm different. Something's wrong with me. They didn't like me."
29:24
Speaker 1
Right.
29:24
Speaker 2
Or, you know. So, I was looking for, "Am I lovable enough, or am I good enough," right? And so what that teaches me is there's still a part of me that needs to be looked at. Because honestly, if I'm good enough and I trust that and I have unconditional love for myself, I don't care what you think, because what you think is coming from your own wounding. (laughs)
29:44
Speaker 1
Oh, oh, I like that.
29:46
Speaker 2
Right? So, that's how I tend to look at things, and it's what helps me get better and better in my own being.
29:56
Speaker 1
Yeah, because, you know, for years, I used to have this problem, um, and I think, you know, uh, someone long time ago just kinda sat me down and said, "Stop." But, uh, I had this problem where I've always wanted to feel appreciated or, oh, I never wanted people to not like me or say bad things or... You know?
30:13
Speaker 2
Yeah.
30:13
Speaker 1
I- it was, uh, years I was dealing with that, and then one day, something just snapped, like the show, SNAP. And I just went like, "I don't care."
30:22
Speaker 2
Amazing, yeah.
30:23
Speaker 1
I-... I don't care.
30:25
Speaker 2
I've had a hard time with that too, and, um, (laughs) you know, I remember hearing in- in different ... from different people, honestly, who- who have shows and things like that, and what they say is, "If you don't have a lot of haters, you're not-"
30:40
Speaker 1
(laughs)
30:40
Speaker 2
"... doing it right."
30:41
Speaker 1
Oh.
30:41
Speaker 2
Right?
30:42
Speaker 1
I love that.
30:42
Speaker 2
Because you're trying too hard to capitulate and too hard to be likable enough, so you're wearing masks.
30:49
Speaker 1
Wow.
30:50
Speaker 2
Right? So if you're showing up into a relationship wearing masks, are you really honoring a connection, or are you just trying to feel lovable enough? Right? And so if you really want true, deep, beautiful friendships, connections, relationships, you gotta not wear a mask.
31:09
Speaker 1
Mm. Mm.
31:10
Speaker 2
So that's what you were doing. And when you-
31:12
Speaker 1
Yeah.
31:12
Speaker 2
... finally say, "I don't give an f about-"
31:15
Speaker 1
Right. Right. Right.
31:16
Speaker 2
"... any of it," fine.
31:16
Speaker 1
Right. Right.
31:16
Speaker 2
You know, what ... So what?
31:17
Speaker 1
Right.
31:18
Speaker 2
Um, you know, people are gonna think what they think. People ... Y- you're gonna have critics no matter who you are, and the more you take off your mask, the more critics you'll have. But it's an important process, because otherwise, we're just part of the herd.
31:34
Speaker 1
Yeah.
31:34
Speaker 2
We- we're not truly living who we're meant to be.
31:38
Speaker 1
And that, and I think, Jennifer, for me, I mean, that is, I'm- I'm so glad you talked about this, because when I saw this article, and I- and I kept saying, you know, when I- I read it and it just kinda just hit me, it's like, wow, yeah. I'm- I'm getting older, I've ... You know, uh, every day you're getting older, and all of a sudden, there's a quiet fade, and I'm just, you know, I- I enjoy being with myself, I enjoy doing things, you know, certain people, and- and if they're not there, I don't- I don't care anymore. I mean, I shouldn't say I don't care. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to, and I appreciate you, you know, talking to us about this. It- it, um, it really opened my eyes.
32:22
Speaker 2
I appreciate you bringing me on. Thank you so much.
32:24
Speaker 1
I want you to tell my audience before you go, how can people reach you, and this wonderful coursework that you, that you have now?
32:33
Speaker 2
Sure, yeah. Um, go to my website at www.jenn-palmer.com. So, Jen-Palmer.com. And, um, and you can find my group there. I have an online community group that I recently started called Soul Growth and Awakening.
32:52
Speaker 1
That's it.
32:53
Speaker 2
And it's on s- the Skool platform, the S-K-O-O-L platform, and it has, it's $22 a month. You get access to so many different amazing teachings and techniques and protocols and healings, and I get on twice a month with people and- and we do meditations and healing work. And, um, you know, so for the price, it's a really great deal if you wanna start looking within.
33:18
Speaker 1
And so, and- and you said, and this is all, um, is it all virtual?
33:24
Speaker 2
Yeah, it's all virtual.
33:25
Speaker 1
Okay. Okay. Yeah, I like that. The, you know, Jennifer, thank you so ... And you know, I'm- I'm sitting here like saying to you, "I gotta ask her that," but I'm out of time. But I'm gonna have you back on, because I- I, um, someone just sent me a message, I guess they're hearing the show, and they-
33:41
Speaker 2
(laughs)
33:41
Speaker 1
... sent me a message, and they said, "Ask Jennifer ..." Or, well, I- I'll put the ... She just gave it to me. I- I guess it came out late. She just gave me the information, but I'll put it on the, um, on the show notes, and, um, I'll make sure that you get it. Um, I can't read who this person ... I won't say the person's name. But they wanted to get your information, so I'm- I'ma put it on the show notes. They sent me a text. I mean, it came through my Facebook Messenger thing.
34:04
Speaker 2
Oh. (laughs)
34:04
Speaker 1
So, uh, thank you for that. And listen, not everybody is meant to go with, go with you into the next chapter. We- we know this. And that's not loneliness. That's clarity.
34:17
Speaker 2
Awesome.
34:17
Speaker 1
Until the next time, you keep showing up yourself, and because you know what I always say, it starts now. Bye-bye. (instrumental music plays) That's a wrap for today on It Starts Now. Catch us on BBS Radio TV and all your streaming platforms, including Spotify, Apple Music, Amazon, Castbox, and more. Wanna keep the conversation going? Hit that subscribe button and share this episode with your crew. And you got a brand or business that you wanna promote? Let us team up. Email me at thebeautyfiles2, the number two, @gmail.com or facejobmedia.com. Your best life, it starts now. We'll see you the next time. Bye-bye.
