text Nicole Brandon and we had such a special guest today I'm so excited it's been amazing process for me over the past few months to have all of the gifts come in and we've been talkin so deeply about the keys to relationships the keys to the heart the keys to communication the keys to longevity in a relationship and all of these steps all of these tools of starting over of being able to unfold The Beauty From the Inside Out Your image the Harmony in a relationship the music that the syncopation of to live and I think that nowhere is this more prevalent in this more perfect than today's guest and today's guest is dr. John Ireland and John has been officiating weddings I was so honored to meet him a friend of mine was telling me you have to have to have to have to meet this man he's so special he's so extraordinary you so magical he's such a gift and what he do
two couples notches in his words not just in his time not just in his skill of officiation but the energy in which he helps bring to life together is really quite extraordinary and you need to meet him and so I was so blessed I was up in Santa Barbara and we had the opportunity to meet in person and sometimes you can just see that it's light energy causes if God is speaking to you right in front of you and so I had to talk with you need to talk to John and just the way he talked about his love of Mary people his love is bringing people together and how he does that and what that means then and so I'm so glad that he's our guest in getting to share all of this with you and our show so dr. John Ireland has been officiating wedding ceremonies for over 25 years he is highly sought-after by celebrity couples getting married and we will definitely talk to him about that not to mention the esteem Resorts such as a San Ysidro Ranch buffet
Seasons the Biltmore and I actually met him at the luxurious Bacara Resort and Spa which is just a beautiful beautiful beautiful place and energetically you can just see there's a lot of nature of the trees at the Gardens at the grass of the care they take with each item in especially of the people and some people and if I find it really interesting that he is officiate a wedding gown renewals some major celebrities and iconic Stars such as on Rockstar Gene Simmons actress and singer Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas as well as so many others and it would you think about that list and then we'll get a tan Tana. Some of the celebrities that he's officiated you think about what different energy these people are such different people I mean summer and rock and roll and some of very conservative and so how do you go from the gamut of one personality type and one sort of expression of love to another
expression of love and he has been able to actually went through almost like the way he's in the sands of time to each and every one of these you know. But moments and renewal ceremonies and I just think it's absolutely fascinating I talked to Kevin said he's been married to his wife for over 30 years so he certainly knows about marriage and so we can ask him about the secrets to longevity and happy life he has been a team leader and a teaching pastor at the Ocean Hills Church in Santa Barbara California since 1998 and I love we always ask against to tell us something about themselves and for fun he loves his and her a can of coffee with a big is a great it make sense to Leo and he loves reading things about leadership and of course your friendship most certainly he's an expert in love but one of the facts that had found absolutely mind-boggling
weddings in stands in front of you in and literally is the person that buying sometimes your life together and then you ask something special something extraordinary something he likes to do for fun and in September he completed the Alcatraz swim with his sister the Alcatraz swim one of the most extraordinary things I've ever heard of a he climbing Mount Kilimanjaro and not only himself he did it with his sister and which is 75 year old died so that is so much positive energy and so much support and so much love bites and so everything wonderful that we are so honored and so blessed and so magically gifted to have today's gift dr. John Ireland so John welcome to the show
thank you so much it's so fun to be here my tanks already filled up just listen to be sharing what I met you there is an effervescent energy that exudes from you that it's not that this is something that you do is officiate wedding but there is a Divine calling and there is a jewishness there's an effervescent bubbly you know all this infectious joy and laughter and love and beauty and glory of the fact that you were able to bring people together in such a special and I think that's what I was so drawn to is you love for doing this and so how did you begin did you know that you wanted to marry people or was the beginning point
city of course it's such a magical and special place to get a couples are coming from all over to get married here but I've been in town my wife and I have been here for 28 years since I was a young minister of course you know any young married I'm I'm kind of learning the ropes and getting a few opportunities to you know through my my work to get to officiate Weddings But then just you know as you get more experience and you do more counseling with couples and you become I think just more passionate about the gift of marriage and how important it is for creating just a a rock solid foundation and not just you know I'm stuck in marriage but man I was driving and didn't want a relationship that most important one that we have this sense of okay yeah we got to work at it but also we are enjoying each other and treasuring what we have and feeding it
huge fan of marriage partly because I I love my wife so much and she's been such a gift to me and our marriage hasn't been perfect we've had to work at it but that's all part of the Border what you sign up for I think you know and so do you have a we always look at has couple that have been married over 25 years and my parents just had a 50th wedding anniversary cakes with so special and do you have a secret or a tip for longevity in a marriage couples when I go to weddings I love to ask the parents or the grandparents
they're kind of Secret Sauce you know I love that I am part of what I want to be as one of those teachable lifelong Learners that I want to keep growing and I want to you know and so I've heard so many little nuggets and bits of advice and I'll tell you when I just heard that really rock my world I mean it really it challenged me and it really encouraged me to and it was actually a therapist here in Santa Barbara in private practice we were just having dinner together with some friends and and he said that he has been married for over 60 years and he said I asked them what why why do you guys think you at you guys actually think you have the best marriage on the planet you know why why is that and both of them had the same answer and you know his father-in-law said
what's most important to her I have made most important to me and she said the same thing what is important to him I've chosen to make that important to me and I was really challenged by that but also incur just part of the dance of marriage is learning to two kind of dance together in a way that I'm saying you know my wife Natalie there are things that really aren't important to me but they're important to her and so part of the way I choose to love her is to become interested in the things that she's in an educator and so passionate about it and so entering her world helping her to see her dreams come true supporting those that's part of what makes our our marriage rich and and vice-versa she has been so interested in what I'm doing all these years and supporting me I think that's a huge piece of the puzzle is is being interested in staying in
10 each other's lives that feeds gives you lots to talk about as well
that's great it's interesting that you say that last night I went to see Yakov Smirnoff the comedian and do his show and it's all on relationships and love and it's hysterical and heartwarming and I laughed and I cried and I cried and I laughed but basically that's what he was saying about making something important that you know giving and receiving and but what's important somebody else until I love the concept and I love that you can share that you have that Epiphany in that awareness and yourself and in other people I think it's just beautiful and I know that you were a child and pass it on to your child be able to do that and then you know what I think about
Kentucky to you I remember that you had talked about Grace and acceptance and that you were saying that you talked about Grace and acceptance of every wedding ceremony and I love his work one of the things that we've done for months now is that at every show I ask people their definition of what is about what is marriage with his Harmony and words I think are so important in there so rich and I love these words Grace and acceptance and so why were you so drawn to them why do you share them and what do they mean to you
yeah
well I think for me in working with couples for all these years I think one of the biggest mistakes that we make and I include me in the Wii because I'm I'm still growing and learning but is I think the mistake that we make his we get married and then we think it's our job to quote 6 or change our partner it's like we have a wonderful plan for their life and it went when couples in a marriage relationship with kind of this hidden agenda that I'm going to change him I'm going to fix her
boy they just they go into a season of disappointment and disillusionment and I remember when I married my wife she did not own a pair of running shoes or tennis shoes heels that was all she has it in for the first ten years of our marriage and I would give her running shoes and say we're going to work out and I'd give her you know what let's go work out at the gym or let's play tennis and finally after about 10 years she said you know what you don't really accept me she goes you want me to be an athlete I'm not an athlete you want me to sweat I hate sweating it's gross I had my wife on a self improvement program and it was fueling this sense of her feeling unloved and and not cherish your treasured by me but like she didn't measure up and she does you you don't accept me and and that
that was the beginning for me so I was over 20 years ago that I had my own aha moment and then
I have a mentor in my life is name is Barton and he's been married for 43 years and I asked him point-blank what do you wish somebody would have told you when you were in your early thirties and you know I thought he might say something about money or Investments or he might say something about friendship for kids but he said you know I wish somebody would have told me not to spend the first 25 years of my marriage trying to fix and change my wife
he said it was so hard those three twenty-five years were so difficult the last 17 18 reset the last 17 18 years have been so special and a much easier for us and enjoyable for us there's a book that was written called messy spirituality Mike Iaconelli he's passed away tragically in an accident several years ago but he wrote this about Grace and I just love it he said Grace
is outrageously unfair ridiculously extravagant and it sure beats judgmentalism legalism and all the other isms Grace always gives second and third chances and never stops giving chances that never stops giving chances and I just love that because it's a literal definition of Grace is unmerited favor you deserve but you keep giving favor and you know they got to be old and new testament is all about Gracie he doesn't say get your act together and then I'll accept you and welcome you he accepts us and welcomes us and then that love that unconditional love is the motivation for us to respond to it not out of law or legal isn't any that's true in marriage when you are sick
on the receiving in this person loves me unconditionally they keep pursuing me they continue to bless me and encouraged me and treasure me they continue to forgive me when I when there's an ouch or I you know there's a misunderstanding or I hurt his or her feelings and then they just keep loving and that is compelling who doesn't want to live with that kind of a person and being a relationship with a person that lives by grace and acceptance versus as you can imagine you put that upside down and you have a person and you're going to man I'm married to this person they're always trying to fix me and change me there's always they find something wrong with me everyday I never measure up and it's just it's kind of I think I look at that and I say to myself wow I want to become the kind of husband that is living by grace that is completely growing to accept my wife
sand and not just accept but also appreciate those differences that we have so I guess that's some of what I think it means to Bono Bono think a lot about Grace you know from you too and I just love it it's a powerful word and it will touch and transform a marriage Grace will touch and transform alive
I think that's incredible and as you talk about for a man not to change a woman it's the same thing for a man not to marry somebody and to think that they're going to change them and to be able to just love them for who they are and so I think that's such a great secret into and techniques and if you talk about unmerited favor Joseph Prince actually has a beautiful book of merited favor you know yes I know you would love that book absolutely yes just fabulous and so I love that idea and I am truly Grayson acceptance I think they're such beautiful words and if it's okay with you I would love to put that definition and a quote on the website because I think for the endless tears of the show that's just it's so perfect and it's so beautiful and it penetrates the heart is such a deep level
so you really do love that and that I need to ask you as I look at this list of celebrities on your bio this is so crazy you start marrying and remarrying celebrities and what a Gambit from Gene Simmons to her duty to I mean to commute I just so I mean energetically that's the rocket ships of the stars and it's the calm seas and so how did you get into that and is it fun and is it difficult to deal with the personalities and I think for me and you've heard this but you know
first of all every wedding I do you know is special it really is I think I feel you know undoubtedly you feel a little more pressure when you're dealing with a high-profile person you don't want to screw up anybody's letting you know I say you don't want a fumble and so you take it seriously and I and I think again my job I say this over and over again my job is to serve people I don't have to him it's not my wedding I had my wedding it's their wedding so my job is to serve them I want them meaning whoever would be but in this case the slippers I want them to love their ceremony if they don't love it and I don't win so I'm not sitting there with a hidden agenda you got to do it my way we collaborate we talk we meet and it's just people they're just real their people they have fears they have insecurities they have In-N-Out growth areas like we all do but I have found that the celebrities I've done have been
honestly I haven't had a bad experience they've been warm they've been a welcoming they've invited me to their homes they in there just the real people like you and me want to have a special moment when I create a magical and memorable experience on their wedding day or if they're renewing vows and I have to say they're all so they're tender you know I've had some tender moments where I have said a prayer for them and I said can I say just a prayer of blessing over you and I would you do that we would love that in your sisters they want what you want and what I want they want the real thing they want love they wanted to be alive and they want to have a thriving marriage and so I just I can't tell you I mean I've been actually pleasantly surprised that every high-profile person that I work with has been just wonderful and easy I haven't I haven't
zero issues drama or you know I don't have any horror stories to tell you I know I don't have been taping all fabulous
and generous I should say just with their spirits and their time and you know they have to be concerned about confidentiality and this and that and I get that you know and living in Santa Barbara I mean you're around you know I've had the opportunity around high-profile people so you can get you don't get those opportunities if you blow it if you break confidences that kind of stuff if you take advantage of it if it doesn't work you won't laugh so you have to respect people and respect their privacy their integrity and you know and their desires so for me it's it it just kind of common sense to be honest with you and if you make a commitment to serve people whether it's you know the person that's waiting on tables when you're at your favorite restaurant or the biggest star if you in my Approach has just been I'm here to serve you and the make this you know the biggest possible day of your life or death date
your life that's kind of my motto my theme I want it I want to help they're their biggest Day become their best day and especially somebody that celebrity somebody that used to being here to or recognize and when you're saying what they want is what everybody wants which is really if you'd loved and I just think that that such a beautiful concept and if we all look into our I can say that's what we all really want is to be loved and then so I have a question without actually have a couple questions with that but one is something we hadn't talked about before but on valve I know that very often especially at celebrity weddings because they're a lot of writers and they're alive that people will want to write their own valve
we're bringing David Correy on his teaching a women to write 3000 to the end of the voice and inner power and do you think that it's important that people say what's in her heart at that moment that people do write their own Belzer include their own feelings and thoughts in that time life and I rode our own valve so I'm totally supportive of it I I coach when I when I when I talk to people about it and let you know every couple I talk to you I say this to them if you want to write your own vows I'm all for it just remember a vow is not a compliment it's a commitment and there's a difference
there's a place in the ceremony to do the compliment to do some words of WETA what I love about you and why I'm so crazy about you and why I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you and let me tell you I usually do that before the wedding rings you know before they give the Rings they share some personal words are they they write each other a small love letter and they share those complimentary things but I think of valve is a promise and it's a commitment and I made the mistake 20 years ago not having this conversation with a young couple in the groom got up there and his wedding vow was just kind of you know saying to his bride you're so sexy and you're so pretty and you make me laugh and I'm the luckiest guy in the world and I was kind of standing there going that's great however
you haven't you're not in I mean you're just saying what she's doing for you what are you doing that's what about Wiz is your commitment and your promise to do what Anna and I think that's what's important when you're writing your vows look at other files look at you know if there's so many variables you could take traditional thousand you can modify them he can talk to friends family others who've written their vows and and learn from other people and I cuz I've done that I see some vowels that people have written it and they are there extraordinary their creative they're funny their Woody but they're all so profound and they're deeply meaningful and they're saying and promising something very substantive and significant and I think that's where the power is in the valley I mean to just get up and be kind of trite and to be kind of you know funny I think there's another time and a place for that not in that moment when you're exchanging of
that's my opinion
I heard it was interesting us at a wedding and they one of the valves on starting with I love you and I like you and it's my promise to fill my own cup and to be responsible for my own happiness so when you come home I'm here for you you know rich and soul and you know participant in lives and whatever and it when when you when you hear all these things and when you were talking about writing Love Letters to one another and that day exchange love letters I actually saw a beautiful ceremony less than a year ago where they will each other a love letter on why they were marrying the other person a person do to them and their choice and they loaded the night before they got married and then when during the ceremony they took those letters and those letters were killed in the Box along with very nice bottle of wine and they had a hammer nails and they sell the box in the box has dated 10 years from The Wedding Date and he's
letters on your 10-year anniversary to know why on that day they chose to marry each other
that's powerful that's what you have to do the valves I think I love when you're saying that it's not a compliment it's a commitment and that's probably the best description of a value that I've heard so thank you for that powerful not sure that's how many listeners are going to use that and be able to utilize that as they're creating their vows in the ceremony I think there's a place for that it's just not to exclude the the substance of the bow you know that I think is it's about character about integrity and it's about when we get married that's you know I think what we're looking for is the core of this person and are they are they trustworthy and what whatever they promised can I count on
to stand up to their word you know that because that's in a long marriage that's you know the older I get the more I actually I do like the Traditional Values because I can tell you honestly even for me I'm I'm celebrating 30 years now this summer and you know that for better for worse for richer for poorer in sickness and in health I have days where I where I have said to myself oh this must be the four worst part that I signed up for an earthquake today and this is the Insignia sickness start and end this is the poor part or I mean you go through those words and you go yeah I signed up for it and the better part comes in when you're in The Sweet Spot of of marriage and and it's effortless and you're going this is so good and then you go through hard times you go I signed up for this part 2 and that's part
what makes our life and marriage so rich you know to work through those all those times and enjoy them
I love that the other day I was having a terrible day if you could have circled Time Warner service is off of my house and there were something happened in the neighborhood so that house phone didn't work in the computers didn't work and also the cell towers were affected and so we couldn't even you know every time you would call Time Warner Verizon we kept getting knocked off until four hours you were trying to deal with a female issue that the technology for any of the new world into this made for a very frustrating day and at one point I thought I started to laugh and to cry and said if this is a bad day how lucky am by
there are people that is this is my dad what a Magic Carpet Ride My Life Is Everything shifted everything all of my life and it's so it's when you have those moments in American in a relationship like you saying that you do you say for better and for worse and whatever that is but at the same time that honor those days you got to say gosh if this is a bad day I hope I can't buy because look at my life look at my partner look at my relationship look at this love that I am blessed to have a nice life and I am blessed to share and is this is my bad this is funny this is I mean how lucky am I to people would wish for days like this that I consider it a great perspective
I just love that wedding or that was so much fun wedding was at the Beverly Hills Hotel I mean there were a gazillion cameras cuz they were filming for his TV show and it was it was a huge production and it was yeah I mean I was larger than life but then you know Tiffani Thiessen and Brady in a day have become such dear friends and have been at our home and we spent Christmas Eve's and you know I've dedicated and bless their baby Harper we've been in so that they have that wedding was so sweet but part of it was because we developed a really a rich rich friendship you know my time with Fergie and Josh was more it was a renewal of vows out of baqarah and it was just the two of them and me and there was some security
around the perimeter but you know I had about 30 minutes just the three of us and I really it was it was tender and it was special and I it was just started to get to speak into their life and to just enjoy that moment you know when 10 to be in the moment and try and encourage them and it was awesome he was he was creating that moment for the two of them and it's so you know I mean so much of it is I don't know them where we didn't become friends out of it where is in some of them I've I've become friends since I just I love and respect them all but I do know I'm kind of catching here and get a little political like I don't want to say who I like the pastor what I like this this person or that person was there a wedding that was you know on a cliff or lives a wedding in a cave or was there something that you said this is so interesting that they would choose to do a wedding here and in this way
and that it became fun or inspirational for you in the process on the cliff out of a car that's where that happened Jeff Dunham the comedian you know we were up at the Sunstone Villa and it was magical up there and Tiffany and Brady we were at a private estate in Montecito I'll tell you one of the cool things that I loved is in and I don't know what it is but in Gene Simmons wedding ring there was inscribed in that has a special little secret you know from his bride and I thought that was really a cool idea and she and she gave it to him she says I had something inscribed in there for your eyes only and I thought that that what that's why I can a creative
a little Insider secret just between the two of them and you know any married of course you know Shannon Tweed and so I thought you know that's a cool kind of extra thing special little Nuance or little flavor to add and I thought that was was very very cool the way that that that she did that has surprised I thought that was fun but I'm always kind of taking notes about the Lou and it's the little things that make a big difference you know it's really true it's just a little Nuance here there a little accent a little flavor and I'm always looking for ways to to make something a little in a wedding even more special or just a little something that adds to the uniqueness of
so it's funny because I remember that I'm talking to you were saying that you love the phrase Small Things often so you're talking about these little things and so how does that translate into the inscription in a ring saying for your inner for your eyes only there's something in their antennae small payment made a difference like the love letters that you're going to be 10 years later what small things often in which
relationships are a great feeling that phrase from the researcher author who was who was featured in the book Blink by Malcolm Gladwell the Saints John gottman and you know very well-known writer and researcher on marriage and love and in fact my wife and I did a gottman weekend that to enrich our own marriage that was really life-giving for us and help give us some tools you know after I take it we did it after a 20th wedding anniversary or something and it was just you know the first test of wind in our sails but but goblin John gottman's the one who who I get we have took that phrase from and he said you know that that marriages that are that are thriving over the long haul that the couple's can to put into practice those three words Small Things often and I've seen it and experience it even in my own life but in
how many areas just like you said I mean a small thing like an inscription in a wedding ring or like those the gift of the love letters in the wine and I think in the day-to-day stuff that can be small things off and around a section you can be really just good night kisses it can be a little foot massage it can be small things off and around acts of service taking out the trash making the bed emptying the dishwasher feeding the dog I mean there's so many little things that picking up your clothes taking off your shoes before you walk in the house whatever however your relationship works you know where I'm at you know those agreements and the little compliments a little card when when I go on a road trip and my wife puts a little note in in my suitcase I mean it's just like you just made my day or my daughter sends me a text Daddy may just the word daddy you know makes my heart melt from my 19 year old.
just Daddy and I miss you or Daddy can we go grab a coffee together just initiate those little things little acts of love little initiation of relationship make a huge difference in and I think relationships suffer if we if we just think that the relay t l a great marriage is just going to happen by accident it doesn't it is the kind of some result of a lot of these small things often and embrace that as one of the models of the kind of husband and father I want to be I want to keep doing the small things that make a big difference and I want to do them often you know
without measuring without comparing without keeping score at a mean you know love is about giving it's about just that self giving and giving and giving and I have a friend who sweet dreams about this but you know he said when he got married the best advice she received was to make a commitment out serve his bride his wife without keeping score without measuring out serve it's almost like imagine if you were almost in a competition with the person you're married to without allowing it to get female weird but but just saying I'm going to observe her I'm going to have to serve him
and and I'm not going to compare I'm not going to marry her to school small things you know I'm going to let you know I can't tell you how my wife is so great at this I mean she's inspiring me without even asking she does things that she knows will cause me to feel loved and she's kind of become a student over the years of my life and she does I know John feels loved when you know I do this I do that you know all these kind of little things that every person is different that's part of our job when we're married is I need to be coming and I need to get my PhD in in studying my wife and figuring out what is it that makes her tick when does she most feel loved when is our marriage at its best what is it that I'm doing this causes you to feel like her tank is filled what do I need to do to be a life-giving partner for her and again it's the small
all things often that make a difference I love that you're saying that a friend of mine very very good friend of mine is dr. John Gray who did the Men Are from Mars Women Are from Venus that you know very often a mammal think if he brings a dozen roses that you know via scored points in a woman's going to be all excited and and she made me very happy but he was saying that instead of a dozen roses if he gave her one rose or whatever that that that you know that that gesture that one wrote all the world of difference to a woman just knowing that she's being loved her that you thought of her that she's being considered and so I I I love that and then as we're talkin about that giving you talk about when you're giving more how it's necessary for breathing life into your relationship where they giving in is not a weakness and and I know that you speak very
on the art of giving and so I'm lucky to share some of that and touch him out for a moment because I just finished the guys there like are you kidding me that's like a sign of weakness and you know it if you know who you are and you have a strong sense of identity
you know you can give in it's not a sign of weakness it it actually requires strength of character to say you know what time and here's the key word I'm willing bracing a spirit of willingness I believe giving in what is that mean it means I am willing to do whatever it takes so that we win so that our marriage wins I'm willing to compromise so that we can come together I'm I'm willing to keep growing I'm willing to make sacrifices and so I'm willing to say no to important people important opportunities in order to say yes to this most important relationship my marriage my family and sometimes that's what's required for a marriage to grow strong and deep we have to be willing to make those sacrifices and and I think one of the biggest ones is you know that willingness to sometimes say no to our own parents that is so hard
arrow in my wife again has led the way in that she early on in our marriage yet in a sense stood up and set the boundaries around her mom and it was an issue for us but are in an in some ways your mom made her choose it was kind of a weird thing between her and me and she chose me I mean she married me she says Mom I'm married now John and I are a family I still love you but sometimes it here I am out of here right now the nineteen-year-old I get that you know that's going to be a difficult transition because Shannon's my little girl I mean you know but when a husband and wife were willing to to say no in order to say yes to each other I think that's just a huge huge Act of sacrifice an act of love for the relationship that's really important but I did
because of her ego because of this fear that he always gets his way I'm always the one giving in and it goes back to that keeping score thing and I find in my own marriage when I'm keeping score and I'm measuring neither of us when we were not winning at home I just have to get rid of the scoreboard and I have to just believe hey I married this person for a reason I believe God called me to marry this person and my job's to absolutely love her and treasure her and cherish her and do whatever it takes two to make sure she knows that she is loved and treasured beyond anything else so I think that's one of the key things for giving in and giving more is just about what we were talking about with serving you know it's that without measuring without comparing I just going to I love that quote I think it was Amy Carmichael I want to make sure it was her that said you can give without loving
but you cannot love without giving any soaking that reflect on that chew on that for a moment you think about it's true I can give to people that I don't love I mean I can give gifts I can do that I go I don't really care about this but I can give something I can give you an organization that I don't care about correct right I get out but can I love someone and not give I don't think you can I mean giving and loving go hand-in-hand and so thinking about
your life as an offering so once once you get married I'm now my role is to offer myself I'm all in the word covenant when we talk about marriage is a covenant that word literally means in it together in it together to paraphrase that it's all in I'm all in you know so there's no holding back so I'm going to give and I'm going to give and I'm going to give and that's kind of my motto or you know I got to find ways that my wife knows that she's treasure special and I always do brides and grooms you know who wins when you do that you both win you know you're not going to people are so afraid of being taken advantage of and oh my God shall find the one who gives in I'm going to be that's why we we can have to marry people with character think about you know if you're a single person today listening to the show
where you get married you want that's the character issue it's the trust issue you both want to have a rich relationship a wonderful relationship of course trust is as has to be there then you can if you trust a person you trust your partner you can keep giving knowing knowing that they're not going to take advantage of that they love you they cherish you they're going to be giving back even more and that's why the algae moving and out giving Works in marriage when there's trust and and I believe that's God's dream for every marriage that's what marriage is are thriving when we're going I want to give to my wife because I love her so much and I'm not worried about him I going to get it in and back it it will come back to me I know it will
I don't know it doesn't I love the description of Covenant as in it together and all in and no holding back you know there is a contract because there's something so cute difference but a covenant and that Unity of being in something together I think I mean isn't that what they always say when two or more Gather in marriage and love is more of a contract in a contract you know you hurt my feelings or you you fail me and then I'm done goodbye by you know but love is different and again you know in the Old Testament I love that Old Testament book of Hosea most people have never read it but it's of God's covenant love and he he uses the
this Old Testament prophet he says marry a harlot and and it's going to be a metaphor for my love for people that even though you're Unfaithful I'm going to keep loving you keep loving you and keep loving you and it's the Hebrew word Hesed which is loyal love and I love that because that's the standard of I think what makes a marriage last a lifetime get have to have that has it that loving kindness that loyal love and again if it's a contract if my marriage is a contract I tell you what the forest twenty times over I mean I've had my feelings hurt my wife's disappointed me and I've disappointed her and we had misunderstanding all that stuff that everybody faces but the Covenant that we made we we say to each other you know what for us
we made a commitment we made a covenant so divorce is there an option for us and it's two ways down we can look at our life together we can either go okay we're stuck let's just be miserable for the rest of our life or hey we're stuck together we're in it together so let's make it a memorable life together and let's have been you know whatever the next 10 years be our best 10 years do we live in Hope and we live with the sense of yeah maybe right now we're having to work harder at this relationship but you know what if we stick with it and keep serving and keep giving I just I believe in love even if we live this way it will absolutely run revolutionize our hearts and our lives at our marriage is it
so when you don't feel like it and it's it's it's hard to stay married when you don't feel like it and I like I said I've been married 30 years there are times when I'm going I don't feel like being married right now but I don't make a judgment or a decision based on how I'm feeling in that moment I lose you know we all lose perspective a time you know not too kind of jump to it and hear rational decision in the moment but kind of slow down you know I love this woman out of a groom I just did a wedding a couple months ago and and the groom said my parents have the best marriage so I went up to his dad and I said what would what's your secret sounds like a man your son just wants to have a marriage like yours can you give me some advice and it was so funny he says it's two words I said what was that and he said walk away and I
you know sometimes things aren't going to go just walk away for an hour just just clear your head get some perspective take a break for and he goes and then you come back and you'll work it out and I just thought you know sometime in the in the moment we lose perspective and so we just need to walk away sometimes and just kind of regain our perspective in and remember oh yeah I'm committed
and you know what I love this person and we're going to work at work so you know as long as I know I'm I have a covenant here and I'm not I'm not right either because I don't know that it's that it's really about you know being stuck it's really about you know being being present having the opportunity it's like what you don't want me to go to school you know how my little kids and we have to go to school or whatever it's not that either we were expecting school from by to fear whatever we have is Grand opportunity to learn to grow to be enriched to have an amazing relationship with people to figure out who we are as people to experience vision and you know it is an amazing human
it's just that commitment I think creates the Plainfield for us and it creates the safe atmosphere so now I know I'm committed so have a great life with let's be in it together let's be all in and we're going to work it out so now I feel safe because nobody's walking we're going to work this out together we're in it together and I make that's that's the plus side the positive side of commitment you're right sometimes the words stuck or we feel stuck in so we're thinking negatively about it rather than wait a minute there is so much blessing and positive that that we need to focus on and work towards that and hard work I really believe hard work pays off and it and it doesn't marriage I know that
and what a great opportunity to love your view on relationships and I just absolutely love you I hope you know that and so I really wanted to make sure that people know how to contact you so if somebody is interested in talking to you having married in a renew their vows or just wants to experience and explore some of these amazing concept of and the Beautiful definitions of words that you certainly have given us to have somebody read to you
2 simple ways to reach me one is by email John at Ocean Hills. Org spell. J o n there's no h j o n at Ocean Hills Ocean Hills John at Ocean Hills. Org or people just call me on my cell phone and that's simple don't abuse it of course but it's 8:05 8862 +913-805-886-2913 and happy to serve people and do my best to make up a great memory in a great moment for you so if people want want to contact me feel free to reach out and I'll get back to you it really is and I think
plant that I wanted to ask you as far as I know that you talked about that there are a couple in mind that you know people go through in their first year of marriage and also if you had any advice for somebody that's getting married just coming up in the next year or if there is any little tidbit that you can leave people with the number one issue I find over and over again from couples that creates really a deeper issue with a parent issue it's the bride's inability to say no to her mom or dad or and the groom I seen it both ways it's not usually one way or the other it's been 50-50 it's just so hard for us to create healthy boundaries with our parents but in order for us to you don't have a healthy marriage week we have in some ways we have to parent or parents and we have to say mom and dad you know what we're
we're not coming home this Christmas and I know some people have a better marriage if you if you set some clear healthy I'm not being mean spirited I just talking about being clear and being in charge of your own marriage and protecting it and preserving you know those healthy boundaries and I think that's a huge landline I think another one is just again and gottman deals with it but it's it's the conflict stuff how we deal with conflict and we have to learn healthy ways to deal with disagreements the misunderstandings and when we get into attacking the person and being you know using contempt and and being disrespectful stats when couples get in deep trouble according to gottman and all his research and so if you're if you're not handling conflict in a healthy way I would say get some help on that
nopi ashamed of that I've been married for 30 years and I've been in lots of counseling and that either you go to a doctor to get a physical check-up you're supposed to go every year I tell couples go get a marriage checkup every year my wife and I did that for 20 years just say we don't think there's anything wrong but we would she want you to poke around our relationship and see if there is that could be one of the most part of the pelvis have never heard of that before I married to Jacob when I do their wedding let's do a six-month or one-year checkup don't wait till you're going well at we're going to get divorced that's too late just go every year and say hey poke around and tell you my wife and I there were so many years in the therapist office where we sat there and we in any said man you guys are doing great and then there were other years we went in and we thought we were doing great and then he started asking questions
I'd like to see you next week and you're getting to be receiving this person to land some perspective that help you to grow a healthy marriage which is what we all want and you know any advice I would give for those that are getting married in the next year I have one of my best friends has a phrase that I've embraced in denica's applies to people getting married and I really hear me out it but put the phrases by the best and cry once and it and what that means is there people that try and cut Corners in life and I did this I bought a car and I didn't like the color but it was cheaper but every time I got in my car I would like I cried because inside because I didn't really get what I wanted vs. if I would have just spent a little bit more money and got what I really wanted I wouldn't and I would cry when
I hate when I paid for it at that moment but then every time I got in the car I enjoyed it I think whether it be hiring a wedding planner or a photographer or wherever you're going in or within your budget you got to work within your budget and find out what issues most important to you and then I say by the best and cry once and then you'll just seal saver you'll enjoy it for years to come rather than crying every time you think about your wedding and you go oh we cut corners on the minister any any totally totally created the cringe factor for everybody he fumbled at our ceremony or we cutting corners on because we just has a beautiful indicate differently and being able to make different choices and I want people to learn more about you and find you so you know please come back again but thank you so much today for your time
and your beautiful words of wisdom and thank you notes for everybody I just want a gift what a blessing to be able to find you and to really to be able to Journey on that path with you meant to step into your life so thank you to be part of your show and I look forward to getting to know you even better
what beautiful descriptions of these words and you might my heart is so open and so full right now distance is how to learn conflict resolution in a relationship and reasoning and ends especially you know how to share your dreams and desires and you are most provocative thoughts and intimate thoughts and so leaving you with his beautiful descriptions of words together we are all one and no holding back and to really think about the Small Things often so have a wonderful week