Hello,
My name is Jesse Hayes. I am a twenty-six year old suicidal schizophrenic according to the doctors. I have these strange and unexplainable experiences that doctors can only deem a psychological malfunction. I have gained a new philosophical outlook on life based on my experiences. I can see the shadows of people, or I like to believe that their the outlines of human beings so I can establish who is doing what to me. A priest told me it was demons, a psychologist told me it was hallucinations, a voodoo shaman told me they were the spirits of the dead, some pagans told me it was a curse that I was hexed with, some Wikens said it was black magic. So I am stuck without a true answer. I can smell abnormal aromas around me that no one else seems to take notice of. I can feel cuts into my flesh, but no cut is visible. I can hear voices that come from the sky and around me that no one else seems to hear. I have zero control over my emotions and can feel my body experience torture while I have to sit back and experience the torture also. Seeing as people deem me crazy, I keep my experiences to myself, hoping one day it will kill me to rid me of my misery. I have made six suicide attempts because of my experiences. I had a philosophy that when I died, my pain would stop. I also have a philosophy that I should be able to choose whether or not I want to live the rest of my life this way and not be forced to live through the torture. At times when my emotions are in a uproar are the times I want to die the most. It helps me with my attempts at suicide. I have taken medication and seen numerous doctors but it doesn't change my experiences. It helped them build. So I no longer take medication because my experiences are less without them. Since I have no one that can truly relate to my lifestyle or talk to about my experiences that would truly understand, I put my theories, experiences, and what I would like to do into music as a sort of outlet. I feel better knowing that someone out there who listens to me is hearing what I am saying. Indirectly talking to them. I don't feel as if I have that much time left to live seeing as how my body is taking a beating. In theory, I should be, or close to dead by the age of thirty. So I am sending my music in hopes that I can make it before I die. If people are able to listen to the music then I can be discovered. If not, it was a good shot, and I tried. I sometimes lose touch with reality and come to believe that everything is fake. That my life is a form of inception and I only wake up from this dream when I die. I have heard around me that this is fake, and can hear whispers in my ear telling me to kill myself because this is fake. It has happened for so long that I came to believe these voices that I have been hearing. This may be one of the causes of my death that is soon to come. I seek help, but all help received is rendered useless. At times I enjoy believing that this is all fake to make up for the horrible life I lived, but the life I lived is another topic.