00:00

Speaker 1
Coming home. Coming home inside. I remember who I am. I don't have to hide. Welcome. Welcome to SOS For The Soul, where you do not have to hide. This is a place where you can come home to who you truly are without having to hide. And tonight, I am sharing some, uh, deep parts of my, uh, Unbecoming, my journey with my mother, and this is what has led me to do the work that I do. I've had 71 years of dealing with, or living with and loving a narcissistic mom. I am your host, Jennifer Elizabeth Masters. I am your transformational somatic healer. (clears throat) And a little emotional tonight, I have lots of deep things to share with you. I am a, (clears throat) excuse me, narcissistic trauma recovery guide, author of Odyssey: Victim to Victory, Orgasm For Life, Sacred Relationships, and Unbecoming. And all of those books, except for Unbecoming, are available on Amazon or on Audible. But here is where emotional healing becomes real. (clears throat) Excuse me, where lasting change happens.

01:44

Speaker 1
Pardon me. Lasting change that you can feel and live. And today, we're going into something very deep. I will be sharing part of my experience, and, um, this is a deep share. So many people experience, but don't understand the pattern of returning, forgiving, and going back to the same emotional well, hoping this time, it will be different. This time, they will be different. Now, if you've ever had that experience where you hoped against hope, that a partner, a mother, a spouse, a friend would be different, this show is for you. If you've ever found yourself giving chance af- f- chance after chance after chance, especially to a parent, and wondered, "Why do I keep going back? Why do I keep expecting them to change?" You're not alone, and there's nothing wrong with you. What you're experiencing is patterned, and patterns can be rewired, and that's the good news. So today, we're going to be understanding this pattern, where it begins, why it continues, and how you begin to shift it.

03:18

Speaker 1
So first of all, I'd like to just share with you that my mother is currently still alive. She's 104 in July, so, you know, just, I- I know I'm stretching it a bit, but her birthday was July 10th, 1922. So, as of today's date, it's May 6th, we are, what? Just a couple of months away from July and my mother turning 104. And so I have had 71 full years of working through and healing narcissistic abuse. So, uh, what is a mother? What is a mother to a child? What was your mother to you? A- a mother is not just a person. A mother is an experience. She is our first place of learning what love feels like, what it is, and what it isn't. It is the first place we learn what safety feels like, what it is, and what it isn't. It's the first place we learn what connection truly feels like. A mother teaches a child without words. Through presence, through touch, through tone, through her face, through looks, through consistency or inconsistency. She answers questions the child cannot even form yet.

04:57

Speaker 1
Am I safe? Am I wanted? Do I matter? Can I trust love? Am I enough? When a mother is emotionally available, present with you, emotionally mature, the child relaxes. The child learns, "I can be myself and still be loved. I can feel, and I can be met. I am safe. I can trust what I feel." But when a mother is not emotionally available, everything changes. The child doesn't stop needing love. The child adapts. The child begins to ask silently, "What do I need to do to get her to respond? What do I need to do to be loved?""What do I need to change so that this feels safe?" And slowly, slowly, slowly, the child begins to leave themselves. Now, you may be there physically, and you'll understand more of what I mean in just a few moments. So this is part of my story. If you really would like to get into my story, you can read Odyssey: Victim to Victory. It is a story of my awakening, my, uh, beginning to come into my own, because awakening isn't a one-time thing. It is a constant thing.

06:53

Speaker 1
We're constantly, um, awakening. We're constantly growing. But in my childhood, I grew up not knowing who I was coming home to, meaning when I opened the door coming home from school, my body was already scanning. "Is she in a good mood? What am I hearing? Is she happily baking in the kitchen? Is she upset? Is it safe today?" One day, I walked in and my mother was screaming at me as soon as I walked in the door. "Go to your room! Clean it up!" It wasn't exactly like that. The tone was scary. When my mother was angry, she would rage. She had pulled everything from my closet that I had stashed and stowed away, clothing I'd worn, bits and pieces of paper I'd written on. Whatever it was that I wanted to clean up my room from, it went into my closet, and my mother had gone in and pulled everything out and piled it into a mountain in the middle of the floor. But it wasn't the mess, it was the energy. The anger was so intense, so palpable, I didn't feel safe to even be there. Shaking.

08:31

Speaker 1
And in that moment, I wasn't thinking about cleaning. I was terrified. I was afraid of displeasing my mother. My mind was racing. "What did I do? What did I do wrong? Who is this person right now? How do I keep from upsetting her? How do I make her happy so everything can feel right again?" And this was the theme that carried me through my life: How do I please my mother? How do I keep her happy? What do I need to keep silent so that we have peace? And I often heard that from my father: "To keep peace in the family, you will do this. You will not date him. You will not go there." Perhaps you had that in your household. So that moment didn't just happen. The closets, the mountain of clothes did not just happen. It taught me something. It taught me that love could turn without warning, that safety could disappear instantly. I was the only girl in my family with three brothers, two older and one younger. I remember when my little brother was born.

10:03

Speaker 1
I ran with diapers whenever my mother needed them, constantly trying to help. But there wasn't safety with my mom, and I wasn't allowed closeness with my father either, because in my mother's words, "He was a man. Your father is a man." And so I couldn't be close to my father, and so as a child, there was nowhere to go, nowhere to land, nowhere that felt consistently safe. And when I was left with one of my siblings to babysit me, I was definitely not safe. And when a child doesn't feel safe with either parent, she doesn't stop needing love. She learns how to survive without it. She becomes empathic, not as a gift at first, but as a way to feel safe. Now, you might be like me. Elementary school was very difficult for me. I struggled to focus. With abuse in the home, I had difficulty focusing. Math didn't make sense, and I was embarrassed to be called upon by my teachers. I felt awkward, out of place, like I didn't belong, and so uncomfortable when I was called upon.

11:42

Speaker 1
I lacked confidence. When you don't feel safe at home and you don't feel like you belong in the world, something deep forms inside of you. You begin to think, "Something must be wrong with me. When people look at me, I'm sure they see something's wrong with me."... not because it's true, but because it's the only explanation a little child can make sense of. I remember in elementary school, I think it was in, in maybe third grade, I was inv- might've even been second grade, I was invited to a little girl's for lunch. This was in the days where we walked to school, so I was walking home for lunch. But in this case, I was invited to this little girl's house for lunch because she was moving away. And you would think that would feel exciting, but I was afraid. I was so torn, not because of her, but of not going home. Even though my mother could be harsh, unpredictable, I felt like I needed to go home to see my mother.

13:13

Speaker 1
I was so attached, I could not even go to lunch at a friend's when I knew she was moving away. I needed that connection, so I didn't go. And that was the last chance I had to see her. It left me with regret because I missed out on an opportunity, and that would not be the first time that I chose the abuser over safety. It wasn't logic; it was attachment. It took me a while to recognize that this is a bond, trauma bond. And that was a child choosing connection even when the connection is painful. All right. So I know this is deep, and I wanna break the tension up a little bit. So I'm going to share with you a Kundalini, um, Kriya. It's a little meditation to help calm your heart. So we're going to place our left hand across the heart chakra and the right hand in the pledge with the Gyan mudra, it's index and thumb finger, and you're gonna sit upright. You inhale through the nose for four seconds. I love those little emojis.

14:45

Speaker 1
So breathing in through the nose for four, breathe in for four, and hold for four to eight seconds, as long as you can. Hold the breath in, and now slowly exhale through the nose. Hold the breath out for four, and breathe in for four. Hold the breath as long as you're comfortable, four to eight seconds, and exhale slowly through the nose. Now, you can also do this breathing out through the mouth. It will give you a slightly different experience. I invite you to try both ways. See which way calms your heart more. So let's do it now, breathing in through the nose, holding for four to eight seconds. Breathe in through the nose. Hold as long as comfortable. Exhale through the mouth this time. Hold for four. Breathe in for four. Hold the breath as long as comfortable. Exhale for four, and then hold as long as comfortable. Let's do this again, okay? We're gonna breathe in for four, hold as long as comfortable, exhale slowly through the mouth, hold for four to eight seconds.

16:54

Speaker 1
Now breathe in for four, hold for four to eight, as long as comfortable, exhale through the mouth for four, and now hold as long as comfortable. I like the mouth exhalation better. I'd like to hear how it worked for you. Trying both ways and see which works best. Hmm, excuse me. There's definitely a shift that takes place, as you notice, there's clearing happening, certainly for me. So while I'm doing this deep heart share and then the breath work to follow, do you see how you can move energy through your breath? So you're breathing in for four, holding the breath as long as possible, exhale for four, hold as long as possible with breath out, breathe in for four, hold as long as comfortable-Breathe out through the mouth for four. Hold as long as comfortable. You're safe now. That's what safety feels like. Calm heart. Calm heart. Okay. So what happens to all of this as we grow up? Well, you may be told that you have borderline personality disorder. I was told that.

18:46

Speaker 1
For the longest time, I thought my mother had borderline personality disorder. It took me a while to recognize that it was narcissistic personality disorder. So, one of the things that can happen is, when y- you grow up with narcissism in your childhood, whether it's a mother or father, you may find yourself attracting partners, relationships, marriage partners, husbands and wives that are also narcissistic. Don't beat yourself up for this. I did it too. And this is one of the places where we need to forgive ourselves. It's a pattern, and patterns can be rewired. We are familiar with narcissistic patterns. We're attracted to narcissistic people because that's what we're familiar with. That was home. These are patterns we felt comfortable with, maybe not happy with, but it's familiar. And when we step into a relationship that feels unfamiliar, what happens?

20:12

Speaker 1
You might not feel safe, when really the unfamiliar territory, someone that's not narcissistically wired might be safer, will probably be safer. So, it's important for us to forgive ourselves, and I love to do the Ho'oponopono Prayer. And I- I do it by crossing my arms over my chest, bowing my head, and imagining my little inner child, the little Carol, the little Becky, the little Steve inside of you. And breathing in, envision yourself as a little child. See yourself in front of you. You always start with you. When you're doing any kind of healing work, always begin with you. You want to forgive yourself before you forgive anyone else. So take a deep breath, and this is the Ho'oponopono Prayer. "I'm sorry." You could say, "I am sorry." "Please forgive me." Breathe. Exhale. "I love you." Breathe in. "Thank you." Bow your head again. "I'm sorry." Breathe in. Exhale. "Please forgive me." Inhale. "I love you." Exhale.

21:50

Speaker 1
"Thank you." And watch the two of you, you and your little inner child, become one. Envision the two of you, you and your inner child, becoming merged into one. So forgive yourself first, and then when you feel comfortable, you can forgive your mother, your father, your siblings, your partners, your exes. And what I will say is, there are those people out there, and I'm not afraid to say it, to speak it because it's true, there are a lot of people out there that feel that you can heal yourself without forgiving, and I have found that to be completely false. Because it was not until I forgave everyone who ever harmed me that I felt completely unburdened. In fact, when we stop f- stop hating on others, when we stop holding resentment towards others, it releases us from the burden. So forgiving those who have hurt and harmed you is part of the process of letting go and healing. (laughs) And what is the other thing? The other thing is n- non-judgment, to be non-judgmental.

23:25

Speaker 1
So forgive everyone who's ever harmed you, forgive your enemies, forgive your neighbors, forgive. It will lighten the burden that you're carrying. So when we're the ones that forgive over and over again, we may also give second chances to those people, third chances, hoping this time it will be different. And I remember my mother saying to me once, "You're so forgiving, Jennifer." She was cruel. She was often mean, jealous, critical, called me fake and phony. I was forgiving, but it wasn't just forgiveness. It was hope. I kept wishing and hoping that she'd be different.It was conditioning. It was me still trying to receive something I never fully got, and this is the part, it's the conditioning, it's the part where you're still trying to receive something you never fully got. We keep going back to the well over and over again because we need this well to give us life. We need this well to give us love, and that's the part we don't understand. It's survival.

24:57

Speaker 1
And eventually, we recognize that this well is still empty, and we keep returning to it. It's not going to be full, even if we wish that it would be. So for the longest time, I kept hoping against hope that my mother would be different. So what I will say though, because she is now 104, this last year, she has softened. Now, could it be the dementia? Maybe. But what I will say is even before that happened, I had come to a loving place with my mother. I accepted her for who she was instead of wishing and hoping that she would be different, and I started to see all the things my mother gave me, and I encourage you to do the same. I got my looks from my mother, and I don't say that com- coming from ego. I do look like my mom. My shape, my face, my nose, Ukrainian nose. My mother's parents were both Ukrainian. My mother is a fantastic cook. I'm a fantastic cook. She taught me how to cook, how to clean, how to dress, how to wear makeup. There's a lot that my mother gave me.

26:31

Speaker 1
So when you start to see the good... instead of looking at only the things you didn't get, that's when you start to feel gratitude for having the experience at all, because, my dear friends, the experience is why we are here. We are here to experience highs, lows, giddiness, fear, and everything in between. We are here to experience all aspects of love, what it feels like to be hated, what it heal- feels like to be in resentment, what it feels like to hold hatred or unforgiveness towards someone, what it feels like to judge or be judged. These are all experiences. But what I will say is when we let go of expecting people to show up differently, when we let go of wanting to change or fix somebody else, and we start accepting others the way they are, this becomes your superpower... and everyone has superpowers. So one of my superpowers is forgiveness... and this is something that I hold for my children.

28:14

Speaker 1
As a- an adult, as a grandparent, we can often be hurt by our children, and if we're able to forgive... we can repair... because remember, our children, our grandchildren, they're all having their own experience... and we don't know how and why they are suffering, but they are, and that is part of our experience on this planet. So to move beyond suffering is that letting go, letting go of trying to fix other people, trying to change other people, and recognizing that we... are powerful healers. I like to say we are self-cleaning ovens. We can heal ourselves, and if you need help doing so, this is my area of expertise. I can help you see the joy. I can help you find the good. I can help you see that all is not lost that we become stronger... (laughs) My stomach is growling. I don't know if you can hear it. We become stronger... where we heal ourselves. Our hearts can be broken time and time again, and then we can still come... back to our loved ones with a loving heart.

29:59

Speaker 1
That's a superpower. So yes, we may go back to the well. We may give others chance after chance, but eventually, eventually... you're going to become stronger as a result, more compassionate, more gratitude-filled.And that's what I will say is that I've come to a place of having gratitude for all these experiences that I've had, and I am so grateful I've had 71 years with my mom. I'm so grateful that she's still on this planet, and almost 104, for us to be able to come to each other with loving hearts and tell each other, "We do love each other." So you have inner strength that you haven't found yet. You may be currently surviving, but what I'm going to say is that you will get beyond just surviving and into thriving when you release these patterns.

31:18

Speaker 1
And, and I would never give up hope that somewhere, some place, you will feel that love, whether it's from the other side when your parents are on the other side or whether it's from God or a baby that you happen to pass and the baby looks at you and smiles. There's a lot of different ways that we can feel and experience love, even if it's not from parents on this planet, and because at some point, my mother's not gonna be on the planet any longer. So it's good to have this forgiveness. It's good to have peace between you and your parents. All right. So yes, sometimes we go back to the well multiple times expecting things to be different, but what this is, is a pattern, and we may be living it in real time. So nobody tells you how lonely it is to be loved for a version of you that isn't fully real, and that's the way I was loved. I was loved when (sighs) I was perfect, when I was a good girl, when I was faking it.

32:53

Speaker 1
Nobody tells you what it feels like to sit in a room with people you love and know that if you were truly yourself, something would change, maybe the temperature, maybe the tenderness, maybe the sense of belonging. So you edit, you soften, you leave parts of yourself just outside the door to keep everyone around you comfortable. So I wanna ask you... Are you leaving parts of yourself outside the door so everyone else can be comfortable? I'm gonna give you a chance to answer that question. And if you're really honest with yourself, and I invite you to do so, to be honest with yourself, for the longest time, I will say, hands up. (laughs) Have you been in denial about lying to (laughs) yourself? I lied to myself for many years thinking I could fix my mother, thinking I could change her, or maybe a husband that was a narcissist. You think you can change them. And if you're honest, you may not even realize you're doing it at first. It becomes so automatic.

34:30

Speaker 1
It becomes who you think you are. And you may be asking, "What version of me is the safest here?" I know I learned to do that very well when I was really abandoning myself. So what does self-abandonment mean? What does it look like? It's when you are faking it to make it, when you are not being truthful about your wishes, saying, "Yes," when you really mean, "No," or, "Hell no," when you have emotions that are being surpressed- suppressed, um, overlooked. You're not allowed to express them. Excuse me. But often, it's fear. And you have such good manners, impeccably good manners. I had such good manners. I was such a good girl. I would be out with my mother at a friend's house, and a plate of cookies would be passed, and I would look at my mother first before I said, "Thank you." And my mother's friend would say, "You don't have to look at your mother." But I did. I knew I did. I was so good that I could be in a room full of people and no one would know I was even there.

36:15

Speaker 1
People used to say, "Well, your daughter is like a little church mouse." Well, there comes a moment in your life when you stop performing.... and you begin telling the truth, when you stop shrinking to fit into relationships that only work if you're not fully yourself, and that's where things change. That's where you step into your power. And you may feel a little bit like a dragon at first. You may think that you're breathing fire, or your eyes could be lasers (laughs) and laser somebody, because not everybody can meet you there. Remember, in A Few Good Men? "You can't handle the truth." There's a lot of people that cannot handle your truth, because they love you conditionally. They love you when you act the way they want you to act, where you don't express your needs or emotions.

37:31

Speaker 1
And not everyone knows how to love you when you're no longer in the version they're used to, and that can create a kind of grief that doesn't get talked about enough, because your relationships may fall away. You may lose friends. Your children may decide to ostracize you. Do you know that currently, there is one in four families that are estranged? Estranged? Is that the right word? One in four. That's a lot. Cancel culture is a real thing in families today. If you give your opinion and it's not wanted and it's not what they want to hear, you could be ostracized. Now, it's not just loss, it's confusion. It's, "Wait, I thought this was love. I thought you loved me, and now I don't know what it is." It's conditional love.

38:39

Speaker 1
There are relationships where love exists, but only under certain conditions, only when you fit in their paradigm, only when you fit in their little box, when you're quiet, when you don't disrupt, when you don't challenge, you don't make anyone uncomfortable, because truth is often uncomfortable. And when you step outside of that, the connection shifts, not always dramatically, sometimes subtly. Sometimes it's less warmth, less openness, less presence, fewer texts. You may wait months to hear a response from your daughter or son, or maybe even years. I know I'm surrounded by women that are experiencing the same thing, adults, their adult children putting them on ignore because their truth is uncomfortable. And you feel it, and you're left with a choice. "Do I go back to who I was so I can belong? Or do I stay in my truth, even if it costs me connection?" I'm gonna repeat this. We do have a choice. We have choices. Every day, we have a choice.

40:23

Speaker 1
"Do I sit in gratitude with my authenticity and me being in my truth? Or do I go back to who I was so I can fit in to belong? Or do I stand in my power and in my truth, even if it costs me connection?" Because real love doesn't require you to disappear. Real love doesn't ask you to silence yourself to keep the peace. And if it does, it's not love you're protecting. It's a pattern, and the pattern is abusive. Take a deep breath with me. Close your eyes. Bring awareness into your body. Close your eyes. You're safe. Just notice if there's any place in your body that feels heavy. And if you don't recognize heaviness, maybe tight, uncomfortable, or maybe dark, like a shadow. You might feel or sense a shadow. Start with the top of your head, kind of scroll down through your forehead, your cheeks, your nose, your mouth, your lips, your throat. Oh, throat. You know the throat chakra is the one that we, yes, it's the voice, but it's also our hearing center.

42:06

Speaker 1
The throat chakra manages our hearing and our voice, our speaking. Put attention in your throat chakra. Just breathe into that area. Breathe into that space and slowly exhale and send it loving care. Stay there until you feel a sense of softening. Breathe into it.And exhale through an open mouth, letting it go. And as it moves, gently move to the next place... and the next... and the next. Notice any heaviness, any tightness... any shadow, n- shadow, darkness... shadows. Breaking this pattern does not start with them. It starts... with you... Starts with me, it starts with you. So to break the pattern, we have to decide we want something different. That's the first step. And recognizing that just because something feels familiar does not mean it is love. You are allowed to stop going back. You are allowed to choose yourself. Choose wisely. Healing does not come from fil- finally receiving what you did not get. It comes from no longer abandoning you, trying to get what you didn't get.

44:20

Speaker 1
It comes from loving yourself enough to stop returning. This is your moment, not to harden, but to come home to yourself... and if something you heard today resonated... I'm grateful. I'm grateful for you being here... So if something did resonate, that is your nervous system going, "Ah-ha. This feels true." I work with people who are ready to stop abandoning themselves, to help them clear emotional patterns that have kept them disconnected, so they can return to inner peace, trust what they feel, and express themselves with clarity, confidence, and truth... and you can learn more on my website, or book a clarity session at jenniferelizabethmasters.com. And if you're a host or producer, event organizer looking for conversations that bridge trauma healing consciousness and embody leadership, I'd love to connect. Until the next time, remember, healing isn't becoming someone new. It's unbecoming everything you were never meant to carry. I love you. Coming home. Coming home to me.

46:17

Speaker 1
I don't have to disappear. I don't have to leave. Ah... Ah... Ah... Ooh...