Saving with Steve, August 8, 2023
Saving With Steve with Steve Sexton
Guest, Fig O'Sullivan,
Episode 142: Helping People Build Stronger Relationships
The Save With Steve Show, hosted by Steve Sexton will help you with ins and outs of money. We talk about financial issues that that could be costing you thousands of dollars and keeping you up at night.
We talk about “money”… tax reduction, saving more, how to spending less and get more, 401k’s, risk management, retirement, and everything under the sun that relates to you having a healthier happier relationship with money.
everyone has their own unique views and needs when it comes to financial success if you'd like to leave your financial woes behind and live a life of Financial Freedom you've come to the right place Welcome To Die saving with Steve show hosted by Steve Sexton the show will help you with the ins-and-outs of money we talked about financial issues that could be costing you thousands of dollars and keeping you up at night we talked about money tax reduction saving more spending less 401K risk management retirement and everything under the sun that relates to you having a healthier happy relationship with money now here is your host of saving with Steve Steve Sexton hey welcome to the saving was future we talked about the ins-and-outs of money pretty much everything in their Central AC you having a happier healthy relationship with Mike my name is Steve sex and I want to thank you for joining us we hit a little bit of a milestone here we just added a hundred thousand new listeners to our show we've are<br> how much I appreciate your support sharing it with your friends and family will up over 600,000 listener so we're very excited about that you can catch us anywhere in the United States as well as in 56 other countries that are really really excited today we have a wonderful show for you but first I want to talk about the last episode where is so many moments there everybody just loved it today I'm going to be talking about money moves to make before the end of the year here's one of the big things did you know that money is the number one things couples fight about and the second leading cause of divorce couple this with the stress of the holiday season it's easy to understand this time of the year to be particularly challenging for couples and families we have figs Osama bin it heals people built strong relations is unique experience as a relationship expert a former stock bore Motor Finance exactly couple with the interest in the world of personal finance makes him a perfect fit to help families move past<br> conflicts that arise during the holiday season now today's guest is the wonderful 160 Solomon is a licensed marriage and family therapist he's what well-known relationship expert music Commander in Chief of the top-rated therapist in San Diego you just found her of empathy that e m p a t h i. Cam is one of the most sought-after relationship experts to movers and shakers in Silicon Valley big help some of the most creative successful people are tagged make love and family work he's been featured on NPR all things considered as well as numerous podcast we're just really lucky to have him here cuz I know we're going to talk about a number of things but for many of you you're going to go oh my gosh it's going to be all high after after all so welcome to the show thanks for being here with us Stephen thank you for that lovely introduction of a kind of you and well I'm delighted and honoured to be here<br> active what got you into therapy for relationships actually probably the other way around my dad that there was moms with DARPA sisters at that I was kind of the black sheep of the family by doing the financing and so I resisted the family location to call him until like my mid-30s and you look for me what I realized I was using all the same skills by relating to people understanding people helping them with financial stuff and I just wanted to do it a little deeper it was a natural transition and kind of a return to my true home to be a psychotherapist call an Irish mother like when I was a stockbroker ride in the 90s she would like to do in like in the bar and have fun<br> why would do something so stressful you know that he has to be happy and I don't care what you doing let's go I got just got to be fun to ask a question about that so what do we do bringing up family finances there's disagreement I see this all the time if you have the saber the spender and it just kind of like butting heads what's the best way to deal with something like that yeah we'll see what the best way to deal with it is on its way to a better relationship is paradoxical the first part that might be like kind of a band different than what people are used to is the problem is not actually the main problem I know it's going to be really weird like you like sex money will how we spend money over the holidays is not actually the main problem the name<br> problem is how we talk about money and I will send the order of chocolate very important I want to make sure we buy everybody guess that's and I'll feel bad if I don't then the other person is Hey listen you're not in touch with the reality of her family finances right that's going to be a really tense holiday season between a couple ride so in an Ideal World they would take time out from problem solving and trying to make their case I'm carve out some time where they do not try and problem-solve like work out how much we stand or don't stand and actually talk about water the feeling I'm difficult thoughts that are coming up for both of us around money are family finances right because if we can get to a place usually what's really happening is let's say some variation of one person's not feeling hurt or considered right around finances and<br> maybe other person is feeling like you don't seem to trust me or believe me right now or still in version of there's some love me that's not being mad and here's the crazy thing we don't necessarily have to resolve what we do about family financing for the issue itself to get back there if we got to a place where wow I feel like we actually both understand each other and walks coming off inside the both of us about money and bow it's the holidays that changes everything I'm now there's a whole bunch of solutions that previously if you try. Solution without as deeply understanding where each other are coming from the same solution wouldn't work where is now that we deeply understand each other that exact same solution is yes because we have gone from finances is separating our emotional bond to now we feel emotionally bonded and we can attend to like finances over the<br> holidays as a team where we're both invalid people with valid concerns the same sheet of music moving forward sheet of music eyes were too violent people with two valid sets of concerned even if they're not the same as each other night when two people can see each other as you are an actual valid human being with valid concern I need your way of attending to Mommy even if it's not mine and actually make sense I know that seems like such a small thing why would we even do it let's do you like look up we really going to buy granny the new VR set from Facebook right like one he probably killed herself ride let's not do it right but actually right if we go like look it makes sense that you would want to get this for granny cuz she means so much to you I get it it's valid and then imagine the partner<br> hey I understand why that is really scary for you to imagine we're going to pay for something outside of our budget and we're not working on the siding where we buy it yet we're literally working on my God that is so nice that you I actually make sense I see that you actually think I'm I'm not a crazy person for wanting to buy a br type of Granny the other way around. Thank you for understanding that it would be scary for me to imagine like know what like wait a second are we going to be buying every one VR sets those things happen to come down in price yet right because it's your emotional bond two people that love each other it's actually more painful to see an invalid to each other then it is like where we spend too much money or not spend too much money to attend your emotional bomb first finances just happens to be the latest topic that is bringing you guys into disconnection on a negative emotional cycle with each other<br> and I'm just thinking to myself okay I can see that I could see that happening and I'm just listening to a few people that I talked with in the last few weeks I'm just seeing that whole dynamic not playing out properly where somebody's not being validated for what they want to do or spend or how they want to look at things like me right but first thing imagine like a couple tokes 30 minutes I'm for 15 minutes one person asked the other what are the difficult feelings and thoughts that come up for you about finances over the holidays second person at the end of the Take 5 minutes to share the second person says this is what I heard you telling me like they literally like to go but I actually heard you the third step is kind of person that was listening except that is how they feel like they give me example imagine someone says I'm scared about spending too much money over the holidays and you're relaxed I don't think that's what you're scared of no listen they are<br> what do you think they should be or not can you accept that actually what they're feeling then the next app can you validate them even if it's not true for me could you see it at is it in the realm of human possibility of a human being could be scared about spending too much money over the holidays absolutely it makes sense emotion inside you towards the other person that you're scared about spending money my heart actually goes out to you I actually have some feelings toward you the fact that it's scary for you by then we go back to the person that Sheridan like it's just like so what's it like to have shared another person except your experience can validate and actually has feelings towards you cares that that's how you feel then we flip it and we do it the other way around that they had that experience with say successfully rarely do something work well the first time we got to try it a few times but that's just basketball or to actually work the first time now let's return<br> the question so why do we do this, Macy's now I definitely get that because there's a guy I just fix things and that's my thing well here's the good news about that if you're listening really closely you're going to try and fix something your partner your spouse is going to get her cuz they're not going to be with her at or considered right cuz you weren't with them in their present moment experience and now they're going to give you a signal that they're hurt with you and not happy with you so now you get a second chance to interpret what's happening to this thing nobody gets it right the first time like we get the practice oldest after we're already not feeling happy with each other like that I can see how that could be tough big we're going to have to hold on where to take Steve you know what we've got to go with fix your OK sick with this will be right back more expert advice for having a happier<br> relationship with money still to come on the saving with Steve show<br> don't let your financial woes keep you up at night and prevents you from living a life of Financial and personal freedom hi I'm Steve Sexton post of the saving with Steve show where did he talk about the ins-and-outs of money those financial issues that could be costing me thousands of dollars causing stress keeping you up at night we're going to talk about money tax reduction saving more spending your investment risk management retirement and everything is so sweet with you having a healthier happy relationship with money soon as you've ever dreamed of living a life of Financial and personal freedom you owe it to yourself and your family to tune in to the saving with Steve show join me Steve section of the saving with Steve show as we talked about everything under the sun when it comes to money to learn more about the show visit saving with Steve. Us that's saving with Steve. Us saving with Steve. Us will see you soon<br> welcome back to the show that is here to help you achieve your financial goals it's the saving with Steve show now here's your host Steve Sexton a little welcome back to the saving Willis TV show where we talked about the ins-and-outs of money I just want to thank you for joining us tuning in appreciate you sharing this with your friends and family all the replays are available at saving with Steve. You asked if you're enjoying the stories of helpful information and insight on saving with Steve and I encourage you to scribe to our YouTube channel Spotify Channel Google Play Channel and check out a few of our fuel is it UK help radio BBS Radio AM FM 247 talk radio New York City e360 TV are dedicated to empowering you to solve problems uplift your spirit and live a life of personal financial Freedom you can also check us out at Facebook and Steven was Steve Saxon you can check out the Insiders Club guest gift by the way the beautiful London baking company called for bees out of New Hampshire all natural cookies cake pop<br> the holeshot there's a special discount used to go to the website you'll see it right there at saving it's called SWS 20 you're going to get 20% off now we're back here with 60 Salomon talking about relationships and finance during the holidays and I want to bring us back to this big welcome back to the show for the second segment here thank you Steve I want to talk about financial taboos creating a space we can talk about money with your significant other is it something that makes more sense to do together with somebody like yourself what's the best environment to do that in a little bit right there's some value what I do and people like me the main thing of couples therapist does the first and most important thing a good couples therapist does is there a able to see there's three entities there is each of the individuals in a couple right there's two of them and then there's the couple together as one entity when your one part of a two-part system your embedded inside it and you can<br> I'll see the whole system you can see it cuz you're literally inside them until what a good couples therapist does is it able to create this narrative add both of your stories into one coherent share narrative about what's happening between the two of you we're both of you make sense nobody's wrong you're spending too much and it makes sense that you would feel terrible if we don't buy Granny her VR set right they could totally make sense and I could totally see how the more scared you get the more you say you can't spend money the more you feel like I'm going to God why why isn't what's important to me to considered and so now you're like you're stealing VR sets at Walmart have you know whatever whatever the accident Tennessee it's so here's the thing you like it's very hard to deal with the activation that happens with a couple around the sensitive topic without a third-party that's able to hold both<br> the bomb is valid and then keep reflecting to the tube separate individuals hey look what's happening between the two of you I'm isn't this actually really sad and painful for both of you so that's where we want to get back to always and I hope this isn't too and psychobabble E want to help old people move from I Consciousness to we Consciousness okay not that you have a problem I have a problem hey look at this problem we have because right we're so important we each other if you don't hear me it hurts if you don't include me it hurts right and of course money would bring that I've been that person like the next he can guide you and help you do it it's very hard for two people to do this on their own Sunday like set a timer I'll do 50 minutes you do 50 minutes let's really except validate each other right have a deeper each other please go do it on your own<br> I have the skills by the way you know what always blows me away like even my couples that come week after week after week right and I created all these exercise they do at what percentage of my couples that comes the counseling do you think when were outside of a session then do the exercises themselves but I don't like maybe two will actually show up like for the really difficult activating conversations on the road I told anything that's difficult I think it helps to have somebody there to guide like I would give the the process away for free to people write like to know I've courses will share the link right I'll give our main Flagship course the complex solution for free to your the listeners and viewers and because look here's the thing it's valuable it's helpful but I also know<br> most people are going to need some like actual guidance to do the work the importance of managing expectations in a relationship could you talk about that a little bit yeah yeah we're managing as we're taking this great like one of the first things I have to do a couples is receptor story a while what a good relationship is right so little I just said managing expectations in the most General level in relationships all relationships there's three different buckets that a relationship can be in bad ugly connected to each other oh my God we're on the same team isn't this great you understand me understand you you I'm here for you you're enough for me is Brennan doesn't matter what we're talking about his nose is having a great time is one of us need the other person's upset that's right where in the Bible is we won't give each other a chance or we just don't know how to get it back to Good by say hi so you know we got to have like one of them<br> patience is we got to help couples understand bad as normal the work Begins the bad weather finances brought it up or who does the dishes right or why didn't you go to Granny's funeral heaven forbid programming right she got any hard sassy fell over broker cab now it's a funeral like this story I'm making background is not good I'm sorry I would like look how do we we got so manage expectations it's totally normal that we both get our feelings hurt with each other we go to Bath now to work again now we got to do the work of understanding each other caring about each other points of you accepting validating each other till we get back to go to get pay my doing that these are wonderful things to understand because if you could validate what's important to somebody and you're on the same page it must makes it much easier to make a decision cuz if you're not somebody just going to say no<br> upset and walk away and then when you're looking at the taboos and things like that that you want to get past or managing expectations I think it's really important to understand here where do we need to go what would be a taboo by the way I'm serious when you said that we didn't really talk about money okay will you bring those relationships or those feelings in those robotic actions with you later in life. Those are the things that when you come into a relationship that you need to deal with and sometimes you just mentally can't get past it cuz you're used to what you've been doing for decades yeah right like you know you were born in your family culture your partner was born in their family cause they're not both of you plop down into his new baseball and one of you is like I don't talk about money the other is like money like the stop triggering for me<br> and then all of a sudden you activate the other person when you stay at a party so how much did you make last year and the other person who would ever put someone in the spot like that right and the course of the person that money is not a big deal they don't even understand why your feelings would have been heard and why you would have looked at them like giving them a side right but that's the word understand how old would you look at the way different things trigger off because of the way we were brought up you already naturally gathered Steve right. Look we got to do that work if I understanding what you're calling the taboos that money is triggering for people in totally different ways and they're all valid get you now I feel so good for a couple days be different right I'll still be blank loading a VR sets into my Walmart card life and you know I'm on my way<br> it'll be like a Jesus fix forgive the the Irish you know we may always have that little part in it but at least we can understand each other and we might put four of them back at the cash register could you tell us where people can go to get your help and also Ellis with your providing for our listeners that free little gift that we can give out the easiest way just go to a theater, and it's a busy with an eye on the end of the wind in couldn't afford a d with a y in the end I just have to compromise right so empathy with a 90 n.com and then we have our like I was saying we're just like starting to give out a way our Flagship course to podcast listeners and it's just a sissy with a 90 n.com p o d w a d.com and then what do we do couples counseling couples coaching for individuals couples<br> horses we have our own podcast my wife and I share her own personal couples counseling like a talk about it the cold from here to me we have like a web app we develop for couples anything we could possibly do to help people have a better relationship we provided empathy. I hope you have a wonderful and awesome Mom. I really that I would love to come back thank you people are going to resonate with this and say oh my God oh my God oh my God a thanks again you stay safe and stay healthy will see you the next time that was figs O'Sullivan if you want to go check out get some help we can go to empathy that e m p a t h i. Calm and go to the website looking for couples help they're being so on and also go to the seating with Steve website you're going to see the link for the free course that big of salt in with empathy. Cam is go<br> the offers you can go to our website at sitting with Steve. Us will go to their website and get that free course expect if you're looking to get some help we're going to be right back with more shaving with more expert advice for having a happier relationship with money still to come on the saving with Steve show<br> don't let your financial woes keep you up at night and prevent you from living a life of Financial and personal freedom hi I'm Steve Sexton post of the saving with Steve show we're going to be talking about the in an ounce of money does Financial issues it could be costing me thousands of dollars causing stress keeping you up at night we're going to talk about money tax reduction saving more spending your investment risk management retirement and everything is so sweet with you having a healthier happy relationship with money soon as you've ever dreamed of living a life of Financial and personal freedom you owe it to yourself and your family to tune in to the saving with Steve show join me Steve section of the saving with Steve show as we talked about everything under the sun when it comes to money to learn more about the show visit saving with Steve. Us that's saving with Steve. Us saving with Steve. Us will see you soon<br> welcome back to the show that is here to help you achieve your financial goals it's the saving with Steve show now here's your host Steve Sexton hello welcome back to the saving Willis TV show where we talked about the ins-and-outs of money I just want to thank you for joining us tuning in appreciate you sharing this with your friends and family all the replays are available at saving with Steve. Us if you're enjoying the stories of helpful information and insight on saving with Steve and I encourage you to describe to her YouTube channel Spotify Channel Google Play Channel and check out a few of our fuel is it UK help radio BBS Radio AM FM 247 talk radio New York City e360 TV networks dedicated to empowering you to solve problems uplift your spirit and live a life of personal financial Freedom you can also check us out on Facebook it's even with Steve's tax and you can check out the Insiders Club guest gifts by the way the beautiful London baking company called for bi-zi New Hampshire all natural cookies cake pops to holeshot there's a<br> special discount used to go to the website you'll see it right there at saving it's called SW X20 you're going to get 20% off now we just want to talk about things we want to do before the end of the year to make sure our money moves are shed first of all just real quick you want to check where you stand this means they were mine with my budget how much am I saving did I save enough of that down payment on the house the kids education my daughter's wedding where do we stand with that how do I keep with my budget in the key here is you want to be brutally honest with your girls hate you did make it don't be too hard on yourself especially if you're close and then you want to make sure all your financial accounts are up-to-date that hay if it's supposed to have a trust as the the owner of it so it can you do yours in your wife you want to make sure the beneficiary sir up today you want to make sure everything's up to date when it comes to the finances especially the financial accounts the next thing is you want to look at things like a my meeting this year today deadlines for example you can contribute to an IRA all the way up until you file your tax return in April okay as long as you<br> an account that you set up in 2022 you can distribute always root for April 18th and 2023 are you fully contributing to your 401k if you don't need the money and you have the ability to contribute more towards his last portion of the year in your 401k do it why because retirements and accumulation sport the more you keep me late now the earlier you have an option to stop working which can make for a longer more lasting less stressful life everything is double check that you're making most of your money this is the time to check those budget everybody has those situations work then the Deborah thing where you sign up for something all the sudden you got charged in 30 days weather user or not if you're not using it get rid of it looking for ways to reduce eliminate expenses there's a number of different internet providers does the number of the cable programs you know what we were able to reduce our cable by over $100 just by eliminating a lot of the cable programs going down to the internet service and then adding live TV along with a couple streaming sites you can do things like that you can use your children cell phone provider<br> I will give you a free phone but you can do it at a lower cost and get the same service cuz they're on the same network you just got to read into it and make sure you know what you're getting this is a great time to look at my Auto Insurance homeowner's insurance and all those things to make sure you have the best rates look at everything you do to find a way to reduce eliminate expenses but keep doing the things that you love to do next start setting some goals for the new year how much do you want to say were you looking to have your accounts at it's really important to have somebody help you look at that to make sure you're on track somebody say hey we're right where we at you maybe need to do this and you know what this is a great time to look at those Investments especially if you're a few years away from retirement with the market going crazy here it is if it would go down 20 30 more percent you might be working for a few years more than you thought if you are retirement the first 3 or 4 years and you lose the 20 or 30% it might be one of those things that pushes you back into work or have to reduce your lifestyle in retirement need don't want to do that<br> thank you all for joining us right here on saving with Steve look forward to seeing you next week we're going to give you are best advised to help you retiresmart see you then bye bye thank you for joining us for the saving with Steve show hosted by Steve Sexton to learn more about the show and how to become a guest or sponsor visit saving with Steve. Us that's saving with Steve. Us join us again next time as we continue to talk about everything under the sun that relates to you having a healthier happier relationship with money this has been the saving with Steve show hosted by Steve Sexton<br>