The Canada Comedy Hour Presents:
Meet the Sinclairs!
or “Hide the bodies, you schmucks!”
Featuring:
Murray "Eats Many Muffins" Sinclair, surrendering to the police after being caught in flagrant delicto.
Jim "Mister Denial" Sinclair, United Church of Canada, all smiles for the cameras after evading criminal prosecution.
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Announcer: Hi everyone and welcome to the Canada Comedy Hour! I’m your very nice host, Wink Harper!
Canned music and applause.
Wink: Tonight’s show is brought to you by our sponsors, the friendly folks at Cameco Limited: our very own Canadian Uranium company. As they say at Cameco, we dig, and you pay. (laughter) So, tonight on the show, it’s Meet the Sinclairs!
Canned Applause
Wink: We’re so pleased to have with us tonight the man who chaired Canada's alleged Truth and Reconciliation Commission, the TRC: Murray Sinclair!
Scattered applause
Wink: And with him is appearing another Sinclair, but he's no relation to Murray, not by blood at least: Reverend Jim Sinclair of the United Church of Canada!
Even less applause
Wink: Now, for those of you who don't know, Murray Sinclair is the former judge and senator who helped all of us nice Canadians feel good about that not so nice matter of dead little Indian children. And Jim Sinclair is a top honcho in one of the churches that put all those kids in the ground! (boos, catcalls) But come on now, Canada! It's time to forgive and forget all that nasty stuff, right? After all, the whole thing is really quite funny! And that’s why we’re here tonight! To make everything positive! (applause) So without further ado, let’s bring on Murray and Jim Sinclair, who are appearing tonight with the authorization of their respective legal firms.
Applause
Wink: Welcome to the show, gentlemen. (pause, awkward noises) Uh, Murray, can you fit into that chair okay?
Murray: (grunting) Yeah, it should work. Oh, shit!
Wink: Time to go easy on all the bannock and donuts, eh Murray?
Laughter
Wink: And Jim Sinclair, please take a seat. Welcome to our show!
Jim: (smoothly) Thank you, Wink. I’m happy to be here tonight to dispel the hurtful things being said about our family in Christ, who walk humbly in the service of …
Wink: (interrupting) Hey, Rev, hold off on the sermon, will you? I'll get to you.
Laughter
Wink: So, Murray.
Murray: (defensively) What?
Wink: What's the deal with all those Indian kids?
Murray: Who?
Wink: Come on, you know ...
Murray: Oh! You mean the residential school brats?
Wink: That's right. Them.
Murray: Yeah, okay. I’ve got a statement from my lawyers about all that stuff, somewhere. (pause, sound of rustling papers) Aw shit, now where the hell is it?
Wink: Take your time, Murray.
Laughter
Murray: Okay, here it is! (pause, clears his throat) “According to our painstaking research and without acknowledging any prior knowledge of or complicity in the alleged incidents, our Truth and Reconciliation Commission has tentatively concluded that …” (pause) “… some children died in the Indian residential school system.”
Wink: Some?
Murray: Yeah, that’s right.
Wink: So, how many is some?
Murray: Well, I haven’t checked with our legal department about the specifics.
Wink: So what, did your solicitors dig the graves? (pause) Actually, don’t answer that. I wouldn’t put anything past a lawyer.
Laughter
Murray: (chortling) You should try living with one.
Greater laughter
Wink: Hey, that’s a good one, Murray! You’re a real funny guy! So anyway, about those dead residential school children …
Murray: (interrupting) There were only two of them.
Wink: What?
Murray: Only two kids died in the residential schools.
Wink: Two dead children. (pause) So in other words, that means there were only four children in all one hundred and thirty Indian residential schools.
Murray: What do you mean?
Wink: You said yourself on the TRC record that half the kids died in those places.
Murray: Yeah? So?
Wink: So, that means there were only four kids in all the schools. I guess the four of them moved around a lot.
Laughter
Murray: Look, I’m just quoting the lawyers. Or somebody.
Wink: You also said on record that over 150,000 kids were in the Indian residential schools. Half of them dead makes, let me see …
Murray: (interrupting anxiously) Okay, stop it right now! I need my lawyer!
Wink: Gee, I’m sorry, Murray. I didn’t mean to upset you.
Murray: (petulantly) Well you did! You’re not being very sensitive!
Wink: Okay, Murray, then let’s change gears. Tell us how much your TRC show cost Canadian taxpayers?
Laughter
Murray: (sheepishly) Well, I guess it was, like, somewhere around $68 million.
Wink: Actually, it ran to over one hundred million bucks. That’s quite a bite!
Murray: (defensively) Look, don’t get the wrong idea! We had a lot of legitimate expenses on the TRC!
Wink: Oh yeah? Like what, you flabby-faced enemy of the people?
Laughter
Murray: Well, our offices, for one thing. And all those pens and paper clips. You wouldn’t believe all the paperwork we had to do!
Wink: (skeptically) Uh huh.
Murray: Then there were all our luncheon meetings …
Wink: (interrupting) Yeah, we heard about those, Murray. Mighty fancy spreads you laid out for yourselves. Fresh trout, filet mignon, baked Alaska, and all the booze you could guzzle down!
Murray: Look, don’t blame me for any of that! That’s just your standard protocol for Canadian government commissions.
Wink: I don't doubt that, Murray. Not for one minute. (laughter) I see you’ve also got quite the sweet tooth.
Murray: What do you mean?
Wink: A Ms. Elsie Two Feathers from Dauphin, Manitoba says she saw you scarf down a dozen pastries during just one session of a TRC forum. (Laughter) Apparently Elsie and her friends even gave you an Ojibway Indian name after that.
Murray: (happily) Oh, really? What is it?
Wink: It translates as “Eats Many Muffins”.
Laughter
Murray: (indignantly) Look, Wink, just for the record, I’m on a weight loss program.
Wink: You could have fooled me. (laughter) Anyway, Murray, I can see your name sake here is sweating buckets to say something. (pause) So, Jim Sinclair, what is it?
Jim: I have to interject, Wink. You're giving the wrong impression about what went on in the Indian residential schools.
Wink: Really?
Jim: Yes, really. Nobody ever died in there.
Wink: But Murray says they did.
Jim: I don't care what he says. I know for a fact that not one child ever died in an Indian school. At least, not the ones run by our United Church.
Wink: Nobody?
Jim: Nobody.
Wink: And how do you respond to that one, Murray?
Murray: Well, I don't know. I'd have to ask …
Wink: The guys in suits. Got it.
Laughter
Jim: (exasperated) Look, Wink, what I meant to say was, it just isn't possible for any children to have died under our care.
Wink: And how do you figure that?
Jim: Because we're the body of Christ! We walk humbly with God and we do justice and we are merciful towards all; for the Lord said suffer the little children …
Wink: (interrupting) Whoa there, Jim! Back up the bus for a minute!
Jim: What do you mean?
Wink: You may want to look at this.
Jim: Oh. (pause) Oh my. (pause) Well, this has to be a fake.
Murray: (anxiously) What is that, anyway?
Wink: Well, Murray, it's an official government death record from December 1969, from a west coast United Church Indian school. It shows that half the children had died there that year. It says a lot of them had been buried two or three to a grave because they ran out of burial space.
Murray: Okay, so there were more than two dead kids. But I didn’t kill them!
Laughter
Wink: The funny thing Murray, is that this death record never ended up as evidence in any of your TRC records even though it was submitted to you guys on three separate occasions. Care to explain why?
Murray: (defensively) Look, why are you picking on me? I didn’t write the policy!
Wink: What policy is that, Murray?
Murray: Nothing that mentioned dead residential school children could appear on our TRC records or be taken down as evidence. The churches insisted on that.
Wink: Wow! That’s quite an investigation, Muffin Man. Let the serial killers call the shots! (Laughter) But I guess that isn’t too surprising, since the churches that ran the residential schools were the ones who appointed you guys. Correct?
Murray: (evasively) Uh, well, now, let me see …
Wink: It says so right in the TRC mandate, Murray. The government and the Catholic, Anglican, and United churches appointed all three TRC Commissioners, yourself included. (pause) Back home in Flin Flon, we call that a cluster fuck.
Laughter and applause
Wink: So, on that note, gentlemen, let’s talk about the “G” word.
Murray: The what?
Wink: Genocide, Murray.
Murray: Oh, we never use that term, Wink. We prefer “cultural abuse”.
Wink: Say, what?
Murray: Cultural abuse. It sounds nicer. Not so hard on the ears.
Wink: Or on the bank accounts, eh guy? (laughter) Okay then, let’s play in your ballpark. What is this “cultural abuse” thing, anyway?
Murray: It’s when we didn’t appreciate their language.
Pause
Wink: Yeah? And?
Murray: And nothing. We were just, you know, kind of insensitive to the Indians.
Wink: Right. And by “we”, who do you mean exactly?
Murray: Well, the white people, of course.
Wink: But you’re an aboriginal yourself, aren’t you, Murray?
Pause
Murray: Oh. Right. Sorry, I forgot. (laughter) Well, anyway, I meant they were insensitive, uh, to us. The Indians.
Wink: Is that how all those kids died, Murray? From ‘cultural insensitivity’?
Pause
Murray: I’ll have to get back to you on that.
Wink: I’m not holding my breath, Jumbo. (Laughter) Okay, Jim, what is it? You look like you just swallowed a jalapeno.
Jim: I told you already! No children could possibly have died under our care!
Wink: You guys really have got to get your stories straight. (Laughter) Murray, I’ll be honest: I'm confused. I thought you and the churches were partners on the TRC.
Murray: We were.
Wink: Well, Jesus Christ on a gurney, guys! I've had better partnerships with my ex-wives! (Laughter) Are you much of a church goer yourself, Murray?
Murray: (hesitantly) Well, sometimes. But just at Christmas.
Wink: I hear your wife's a loyal United Church member. She's a church officer, as a matter of fact.
Murray: (defensively) So?
Wink: So, on the TRC that you chaired for seven long years, Murray, did you ever ask the churches or your wife or Jim here what they did with all those dead children?
Murray: Well, no.
Wink: Now that’s great police work, numb nuts! Leave out the prime suspects to the crime!
Laughter
Jim: I deeply resent that, Wink! There was no crime, just some unfortunate incidents!
Wink: Really, Rev? Like what?
Pause
Jim: Never mind.
Wink: Oh, come on, Jim! Tell us about some of those “unfortunate incidents”!
Jim: (haughtily) I don’t have to tell you anything.
Murray: He’s right, you know, Wink. It said so right in our TRC mandate. The churches didn’t have to answer any charges or reveal any of their evidence.
Wink: Wow. Isn’t that against the law?
Murray: Yeah. So what?
Pause
Wink: You know, guys, I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer or anything, but this is all smelling like a big, fat coverup to me.
Murray: (angrily) There you go! I knew you were working with that little bastard!
Wink: Which bastard is that, Murray?
Murray: Jesus, Wink! Are you covering for him?
Wink: Who?
Murry: You know very well who! That creep out on the west coast!
Wink: Look, Murray, why don’t we switch gears again …
Murray: (interrupting) Sure, fine! Let him get away with it!
Wink: Who’s getting away with what, guy?
Murray: (screeching) Him! He’s out there, lying about me and teasing me! As if he’s the only one who’s ever published death records or occupied a church!
Wink: Oh, I get it. You’re talking about …
Murray: (interrupting hysterically) Stop it! I don’t want to hear his name! That’s what we told the Globe and Mail! You ever print his name again, you quote that little white prick, and you’re gonners! Slam dunk!
Wink: You mean the Globe and Mail newspaper?
Murray: Yeah! And the CBC!
Pause
Wink: Wow, Murray. This is getting interesting. Do tell us more about the Globe and Mail and the CBC.
Murray: What’s to tell? We said, you ever mention that Kevin Annett again and we’ll sue your ass. (pause, horrified) Oh shit.
Wink: (gleefully) Busted!
Laughter and applause.
Wink: (playfully) Kevin Annett! Kevin Annett!
Jim: (alarmed, crying out) Stop it! Stop saying his name! It burns! It burns! Oh, someone stop the burning!
Wink: (concerned) Gee Reverend, do you need some help? You’re turning red again.
Jim: Just don’t say his name again! Please!
Murray: That's not very funny, you know, Wink. Talking about Kevin Annett like that!
Wink: The cat's out of the bag now, fat man! So why not tell us all? (pause) Murray?
Murray: (dejected) I want my lawyer.
Wink: You just said that you told the media not to report on Kevin Annett, that unmentionable United Church clergyman.
Jim: (interrupting) He's an ex-United Church minister! And I never knew him, ever! I never met him once!
Wink: Hold that lie, Rev. We’ll get back to you. (laughter) Okay Murray, so about this ex-Reverend from the west coast. Did the media play ball with you?
Murray: Well, naturally they did.
Wink: The CBC. The Globe and Mail. They agreed not to mention Kevin Annett anymore, or his work?
Murray: Well of course, dummy. Have you seen him quoted in the news?
Pause
Wink: So, what else did your media buddies agree not to mention, Murray?
Murray: Oh, come on, Wink.
Wink: Come on, what?
Murray: You don’t really expect me to answer that, do you? (pause) So can I go now?
Laughter
Wink: Oh, be good, Murray. I've got more for you. But first I want to get back to poor Jim here. (pause) Reverend, are you still with us?
Jim: (singing) I am the church, you are the church, we are the church together!
Wink: (yells sharply) Wealthy donors!
Jim: (excitedly) What? Where?
Laughter
Wink: Hey, welcome back, Rev! (laughter) So, Jim, this Kevin Annett who you claim you never knew. Wasn’t he in fact the intern at your North Bay United Church, from 1988 to 1989? You supervised him all that year.
Jim: No, I didn't.
Wink: But this is your signature, isn't it? From Kevin's final year-end evaluation?
Jim: I've never seen that before. And even if I have, that’s not my signature on it.
Wink: To quote from your report, Jim: “Kevin Annett is an outstanding candidate for the ministry whose work is exemplary and of the highest quality. He has a fine and promising career awaiting him in the United Church of Canada”. (pause) Your words, Reverend.
Jim: (quickly) No they weren't.
Wink: Well, I guess there were two Jim Sinclairs that year at St. Andrew's United Church in North Bay, Ontario.
Jim: There could have been.
Laughter
Wink: So, Jim, would you care to explain why such an upstanding minister ended up getting tossed out on his ear, smeared, and blacklisted by your church just a few years later? You guys even paid Kevin’s wife Anne to divorce him and take his kids!
Boos from the audience.
Wink: Well, Jim?
Jim: (singing) I danced for the fishermen, for James and John ...
Wink: Take a nap, bozo. (Laughter) So, Murray. Getting back to the TRC.
Murray: (agonized) Oh, do we have to?
Wink: We've spoken to many residential school survivors. They claim they never got a chance to speak at your TRC forums. They say you censored them when they tried to speak. You even shut off their microphones and banned them from the forums.
Murray: (smugly) We prefer to call that healing and reconciliation.
Wink: One of the survivors said you threatened her with arrest if she talked about when she buried other children at the Brandon residential school.
Murray: (quickly) There were no burials. There are no mass graves.
Wink: What?
Murray: You heard me. And even if there were graves, there weren’t. You get it?
Wink: Then what happened to all those dead kids’ bodies?
Murray: Alright, cut! That's it! Call the lawyers! I'm out of here!
(Sound of chair moving, disturbance)
Wink: Okay, okay, calm down Murray! No more talk of mass graves and coverups!
Murray: (angrily) You promise?
Wink: Absolutely.
Murray: And no talk about the electric chairs?
Pause
Wink: The what?
Pause
Murray: (nervously) Oh, sorry. Never mind.
Laughter
Wink: So, is there anything else we should whitewash, Murray?
Murray: (agitated) Yeah. Don’t believe anything you might hear about some woman named Denise and me. I want to say for the record that I was never near that motel on the night in question!
Pause
Wink: Oh. Okay. (pause) Anyway, Murray, I didn’t mean to step on your toes tonight.
Murray: (petulantly) Well you did, Wink. You were getting almost, well …
Wink: Almost what?
Murray: You know. What’s the word? (pause) Investigative!
Wink: (laughing) Not a chance, guy. This is Canada!
Laughter and applause
Wink: One final question before you waddle off to your next cozy sinecure, Murray. Tell us the best thing your so-called Truth and Reconciliation Commission achieved.
Murray: The best thing?
Wink: That's right. Give us all something nice and feel good.
Murray: Well, I’d have to say it was securing our Class A rating.
Wink: Our what?
Murray: The Federal Tourist Board, dummy. We got our Class A rating back.
Wink: I don't get it.
Murray: Come on, Wink. Get with the real world! Foreign investor confidence in Canada was falling with all the talk of dead Indian kids and mass graves and medical experiments. Trade and tourism were crashing. But now that things are officially wiped clean and Canada's all healed and we have cute little Justin T. in charge, the tourist bucks and foreign investment are rolling in again, especially from all our good friends in China.
Wink: That's wonderful, Murray. But how are the native survivors helped by all that?
Murray: What survivors?
Laughter
Wink: Jesus, Murray, you really are a funny guy! We’ve got to have you back on the show real soon! But before we sign off, let me ask your intrepid colleague here if he has anything else to say. Jim?
Murray: Let the poor guy sleep, Wink.
Wink: I think he's faking it. I saw his eyes open there for a moment. (pause) Anyway, Murray, any final comments for our audience?
Murray: Yeah. Like I said, don’t believe anything you might hear about me and somebody named Denise.
Wink: Our lips are sealed, Murray. After all, we're true blue Canadians on this show!
Prolonged applause and upswell of canned music.
Wink: Thank you Canada! And we’ll see you all next week, when we’ll have as our special guest the CEO of PetroChina in Canada: a really nice guy named Jilin Fu. Mister Jilin will be dispelling all those nasty reports about indigenous families going missing around his oil and gas operations in northern BC and Alberta. Jilin Fu is quite the song and dance man, and he’ll be doing his own comedy improv as well! So be sure to tune in next week. (Applause) And so as we say here on the show: Keep positive, Canada! And keep stealing! I mean, healing!
Canned music and fade out.
