The Canada Comedy Hour presents: "Meet the Sinclairs!”

The Canada Comedy Hour presents:

"Meet the Sinclairs!”

 

Announcer: And welcome to The Canada Comedy Hour: where credibility and credulity get stretched thinner than the 49th parallel!

(Canned music and applause)

Voice: Hello everybody! I’m your handsome host, Wink Harper!

(More applause)

Wink: Tonight’s show is brought to you by our sponsors, the friendly folks at Cameco Ltd., which is our very own Canadian Uranium company. As they say at Cameco, we dig, and you pay. (laughter) So let's get down to it.

Tonight’s show is entitled … Meet the Sinclairs!

(Canned Applause)

Wink: We’re so pleased to have as one of our guests this evening the man who chaired Canada's very own Truth and Reconciliation Commission, the TRC: Murray Sinclair!(scattered applause) And with him is appearing another Sinclair, but he's no relation to Murray - by blood at least: Reverend Jim Sinclair of the United Church of Canada!

(even less applause)

Wink: For those of you who don't know, Murray Sinclair is the former judge who helped all of us Canadians feel better about that not so nice matter of dead little Indian children. And Jim Sinclair's a top honcho in one of the churches that put all those brown kids in the ground! (boos, catcalls) But come on now, Canada! It's time to forgive and really forget all that nasty stuff, right? After all, the whole story’s really quite funny! And that’s why we’re here tonight, everyone! To make everything positive, right?  (applause) So without further ado, let’s bring on Murray and Jim Sinclair, who are appearing tonight with the authorization of their respective legal counsels.

(applause)

Wink: Welcome to the show, gentlemen. (pause, awkward noises) Uh, Murray, are you able to fit into that chair okay?

Murray: (anxiously, grunting) Yeah, it should work … ow, shit! (pause) Alright, it’s okay now.

Wink: Time to go easy on all the bannock and donuts, eh Murray?

(laughter)

Wink: And Jim Sinclair, take a seat please. Welcome to our show!

Jim: (smoothly) Why thank you, Wink. And just for the record, let me say in all humility that I'm happy to be here to dispel the awfully hurtful things being said about our family in Christ …

Wink: Uh, Reverend, hold off on the sermon for a wee bit will you? I'll get to you.

(laughter)

Wink: So Murray …

Muuray: (hesitantly) Yes?

Wink: What's the deal with all those Indian kids?

Murray: The who?

Wink: Uh, well, you know ...

Murray: Oh! You mean the residential school brats?

Wink: Sure. Them.

Murray: Yeah. Well, I have a statement here about all of that from my lawyers.(pause) Aw shit, now where the hell is it? 

(sound of rustling papers)

Wink: Take your time, Murray.

(laughter)

Murray: Okay, I got it! (pause, clears his throat) “According to our painstaking research and without acknowledging any prior knowledge of or complicity in the alleged incidents, our Truth and Reconciliation Commission has concluded that … some children died in the Indian  residential school system.”

(pause)

Wink: Some?

Murray: That’s right.

Wink: So how many is some?

Murray: Well, I haven’t checked with our legal department about the specifics, Wink …

Wink: So what, did your solicitors dig the graves? (pause) Don’t answer that, Murray. I wouldn’t put anything past a lawyer.

(laughter)

Murray: (chortling) You should try living with one.

(greater laughter)

Wink: Hey, that’s good, Murray! You’re a real funny guy! (laughter) So anyway, about those dead residential school children …

Murray: There were two of them. I think.

Wink: Two?

Murray: Yeah, well, one for sure. We’re not certain about the other one.

Wink: Two dead children. (pause) Wow, Murray, now that’s great detective work. (laughter) So tell us, how much have you hit the taxpayers for all that research, you chubby-faced enemy of the people?

(laughter)

Murray: (sheepishly) Oh, well, it’s somewhere around $68 million, I guess.

Wink: Holy shit, Fat Man! That’s $34 million a corpse!

Murray: No, now just wait a minute, Wink! We had lots of other expenses on the TRC!

Wink: Such as?

Murray: Well, our offices, for one thing. And all those pens and paperclips. You wouldn’t believe all the paperwork we had!

Wink: Uh huh.

Murray: Then there were all the luncheon meetings …

Wink: Yeah, we heard about those. Mighty fancy spreads you laid out for yourselves, Murray. Fresh trout, filet mignon, baked Alaska, and all the booze you could guzzle down!

Murray: Well, that’s just your standard protocol on Canadian government commissions, you know.

Wink: I don't doubt that, Murray. Not for one minute. (laughter) I see you’ve got quite the sweet tooth too.

Murray: What do you mean?

Wink: A Ms. Elsie Two Feathers from Dauphin, Manitoba says she saw you scarf down more than a dozen pastries during just one session of your TRC forum. (laughter)

Murray: Well, now …

Wink: Apparently Elsie and her friends even gave you an Ojibway Indian name after that…

Murray: (proudly) Really?

Wink: Yeah. It translates as “Eats Many Muffins”.

(Laughter)

Murray: (indignantly) Look, just for the record, I’m on a weight loss program now, Wink.

Wink: You could have fooled me.  (laughter) Anyway, Murray, I can see your name sake over here is sweating buckets to say something. (pause) Reverend Jim Sinclair, what is it?

Jim: I have to interject Wink to say that you're giving the wrong impression about what went on in the residential schools.

Wink: Really?

Jim: Yes. Nobody ever died in there.

Wink: But Murray says there were two deaths.

Jim: I don't care what he says. I know for a fact that nobody ever died in an Indian school – at least, not the ones run by our United Church.

Wink: Nobody?

Jim: Nobody.

Wink: And how do you respond to that one, Murray?

Murray: Well, I don't know … I'd have to ask …

Wink: The guys in suits. Got it.

Jim: (exasperated) Look, Wink, what I meant to say was, well, it just wasn't possible for any children to die under our care, by natural or foul means.

Wink: And why was that, Reverend?

Jim: (surprised) We're the body of Christ, Wink! We walk humbly with the Lord and we do justice and we are merciful towards all; for did the Lord not say, suffer the little children …

Wink: (interrupting) Uh, Jim?

Jim: What?

Wink: You may want to look at this.

(rustling of paper)

Jim: Oh. (pause) Oh my. (pause) Well, this has to be a forgery.

Murray: (hostilely) What is that, anyway?

Wink: it's an official death record from 1959, Murray, from a west coast United Church Indian school. It's right out of your own government archives. (pause) It shows that half the children there never survived.

(pause)

Wink: Funny thing is, this document never ended up as evidence in any of your TRC records, Murray. Care to explain why?

(awkward pause)

Wink: So on that note, gentlemen, let’s move on to talk about the “G” word.

Murray: The what?

Wink: Genocide, Murray.

Murray: Oh, we never use that term, Wink. We say “cultural abuse”.

Wink: Say, what?

Murray: Cultural abuse. It sounds nicer. Not so hard on the ears.

Wink: Or on the bank accounts, eh Murray? (laughter) Alright then, Muffin Man. We’ll play in your ballpark. What is this “cultural abuse” thing, anyway?

Murray: It’s when we didn’t appreciate their language.

(pregnant pause)

Wink: Yeah? And?

Murray: And nothing. We were just, you know, kind of insensitive to the Indians.

Wink: Right. And by “we”, you mean who exactly?             

Murray: Well, the white people, of course.

Wink: But you’re an aboriginal yourself, aren’t you, Murray?

(pause)

Murray: Oh. Right. I forgot. (laughter) Well, okay, I meant, they were insensitive, uh, to us. The Indians.

Wink: Is that why those residential school kids died, Murray? From insensitivity?

Murray: Well, no. They caught a cold, or something.

Wink: The two of them.

(Another pregnant pause)

Murray: You know, come to think of it … (sound of more rustling papers) …Right. I guess there were more than two.

(laughter)

Wink: Really? How many more?

(pause)

Murray: Well, like I said, Wink, I have to check with the lawyers first …

Jim: (interrupting angrily) Now look! There's nothing to check about! No children could possibly have died under our care!

Wink: You guys really have got to get your stories straight.

(laughter)

Wink: Murray, look, I'm confused. I thought you and the churches were partners together on the TRC.

Murray: We were.

Wink: Well hell's bells, guys! I've had better partnerships with my ex-wives! (laughter). You much of a church goer yourself, Murray?

Murray: (hesitantly) Well, sometimes. Like at Christmas ...

Wink: I hear your wife's a loyal United Church member. She's a church officer, actually. (pause) So on the TRC that you chaired, Murray, did you ever actually ask the churches what they did with all those dead children?

(awkward pause)

Murray: Ask who?

Wink: The churches, numb nuts. 

(laughter)

Murray: (shocked) Well, no, not really.

Wink: So you never asked Jim here or any church guy where those kids ended up?

Murray: No.

Wink: Now that’s great police work, Murray. Leave out the prime suspects to the crime.

 (laughter)

Jim: Now I deeply resent that, Wink! There was no crime, just a few unfortunate incidents …

Wink: Really?

(pause)

Jim: Look, never mind. Excuse me, but I have to go and pray.

Wink: I bet you do, Reverend.

(laughter)

Murray: (impulsively) Now look, Wink, you can't blame me for everything! Things were arranged long before I ever showed up to head the TRC!

(Yet another pregnant pause)

Wink: Oh yeah? Like, what kind of arrangement? (long pause) Murray?

Murray: (defensively) What?

Wink: Are you saying the TRC was fixed?

Murray: Now that’s pretty judgmental of you, Wink. We prefer to call it healing and reconciliation.

Wink: Meaning, what?

Murray: If you start accusing people of things, that just causes bad feelings, Wink.

Wink: Well, we wouldn’t want to do that, Tonto. (laughter) But isn't it true that you and the other TRC Commissioners were nominated and chosen by the very same churches than ran the Indian residential schools?

(silence)

Wink: Murray?

Murray: (warily) Could be.

(laughter)

Wink: Kind of like the serial killer picking his own jury, eh fat boy?

(laughter and applause)

Murray: (sullenly) Now you're being mean.

Wink: I hear you even publicly apologized to the Catholic church for some accusations made against them at one of your TRC hog fests.

Murray: My lawyer told me to.

Wink: Jesus, Murray. Let's hope your lawyer doesn't ask you to jump in front of a freight train. (laughter) Care to share with us what the black robes were being accused of, Murray?

Murray: (reciting, by rote) Under legal advice I am compelled not to answer that question.

Jim: (loudly) Amen!

Wink: Whoa! A word from our sponsor!

(laughter)

Wink: Anything else you want to offer, Reverend?

Jim: Shh! I'm praying.

Wink: That reminds me of a joke. The Irish pray on their knees and the English prey on each other.

(laughter)

Wink: Now Murray, since the resident God Talker seem to have opted out of our show, let's get back to you. (pause) I hear you’ve been personally attacked by certain people …

Murray: (angrily) Oh yeah? By who?

Wink: Let me finish …

Murray: (angrily) If it’s someone called Denise I completely deny all of her allegations! I was nowhere near that hotel on the night she claims!

(pause)

Wink: Excuse me?

(pause)

Murray: Oh. Sorry. Never mind.

(laughter)

Wink: Actually, I was referring to some of the public critics of the TRC …

Murray: (moaning) Oh Christ, not him again!

Wink: What?

Murray: Him! That smart ass loud mouth out on the west coast! He’s just a no good son of a …

Wink: Murray, now be nice! This is Canada!

(laughter)

Murray: Sorry, Wink, but I get emotional whenever his name comes up …

Wink: I never said any name …

Murray: Oh but you will! That’s how he works! He uses that know-it-all mouth of his to worm his way into the media …

Wink: Can you tell us who you mean, Murray?

Murray: … and he uses those good looks and cute body of his to woo people to his side …

Wink: Uh, Murray …

Murray: It’s the old sex appeal gimmick! It works every time! Even I almost fell for it!

Wink: Really?

Murray: Sure! There I was, at the Bayshore Inn one night, my hand on the phone, ready to call up that little prick … I tell you, he’s seductive, that one. His soft compelling voice with its masculine undertone, brimming with self-confidence and virility … Jesus! If only he worked for me! I tell you, I’d whip him into line … (muttering to himself) Yeah …

(A very pregnant pause)

Wink: Uh, Murray?

Murray: What?

Wink: We were talking about the TRC. And its critics.

(pause)

Murray: Oh yeah? Oh, right. Well, that’s him. He’s the opposition.

Wink: Who?

Murray: Jesus H. Murphy, Wink! Are you covering for him? (pause) Are you working with him too, that fucking little hottie?

Wink: (nervously) Okay, Murray, why don’t we switch gears for a moment …

Murray: Sure. Fine.  Just let him get away with it again …

Wink: Who’s getting away with what, guy?

Murray: (screeching) Him! He’s out there, lying about me, teasing me … as if he’s the only one who’s ever published death statistics or occupied a church …

Wink: Oh. I get it.

Murray: What?

Wink: You’re talking about …

Murray: No! I refuse to hear his name! That’s what we told the Globe and Mail! You print his name ever again, you quote that little white prick, and you’re gonners! Slam dunk!

Wink: The Globe and Mail newspaper?

Murray: Yeah! And the CBC!

(pause)

Wink: Wow, Murray. This is getting interesting.

Murray: What do you mean?

Wink: Why don’t you tell us more. I mean, about the CBC.

Murray: What’s to tell? We said, you mention that Kevin Annett ever again and you're toast … (pause, horrified) Oh shit.

Wink: (gleefully) Busted!

(laughter and applause)

Wink: (playfully) Kevin Annett! Kevin Annett!

Jim: (alarmed, crying out) Stop it! Stop saying his name! It burns! It burns! Oh someone stop the burning!

Wink: (concerned) Reverend, do you need some help?

Murray: That's not very funny, you know, Wink. Saying his name like that!

Wink: The cat's out of the bag now, fat man! So why not tell us all? (pause)Murray?

Murray: (sadly) I want my lawyer ...

Wink: You said you told the media not to report on Kevin Annett, that unmentionable clergyman ...

Jim: (interrupting) He's just an ex-minister! And I never knew him, ever! I never met him once!

Wink: Hold that lie, Jim. I'll get back to you. (laughter)Okay Murray, this ex-Reverend from the west coast.

Murray: Thank you.

Wink: So they agreed?

Murray: What?

Wink: The CBC. The Globe and Mail. They agreed not to mention Kevin Annett anymore, or his work …

Murray: Well of course, dummy. Have you seen him quoted much in the news?

(pause)

Wink: So what else did your media buddies agree not to mention, Murray?

Murray: Oh, come on, Wink.

Wink: Come on, what?

Murray: You don’t really expect me to answer that, do you?

(pause)

Wink: No, I guess not.

(pause)

Murray: Can I go now?

(laughter)

Wink: Oh be good. I've got more for you, Murray. But first I want to get back to Jim. (pause) Reverend, are you still with us?

Jim: (singing softly) I am the church, you are the church, we are the church together …

Wink: (yells sharply) Wealthy donors!

Jim: (looks about) Where? (pause) What?

(laughter)

Wink: Hey, welcome back, Rev! (laughter) Jim, this Kevin Annett who you claim you never knew was in fact an intern in your North Bay United Church, wasn't he? From 1988 to 1989? You supervised him that year …

Jim: No I didn't.

Wink: This is your signature, isn't it? From Kevin's final year evaluation? (rustles paper)

Jim: I've never seen that before. And even if I have, I never signed it.

Wink: You claim his work in ministry was , let me quote you, “exemplary and of the highest quality … Kevin has a fine and remarkable career to look forward to in the United Church of Canada”. (pause) Your words, Reverend.

Jim: No they weren't.

Wink: Well, I guess there were two Jim Sincalirs that year at St. Andrew's United Church in North Bay, Ontario.

(laughter)

Jim: Could be.

Wink: Would you care to comment, Jim, on why such an outstanding candidate for ministry ended up getting tossed out on his ear, blacklisted and blackened by your church?

(pause, silence)

Jim: (singing) I danced for the fishermen, for James and John ...

Wink: Take a nap, Reverend.

(laughter)

Wink: So Murray.

Murray: (wearily) What?

Wink: Getting back to the TRC …

Murray: (agonized) Do we have to?

Wink: We've spoken to many of the actual residential school survivors. They claim they never got a chance to speak at any of the TRC forums, Murray. They say you censored what they wanted to say …

Murray: We prefer to call it achieving reconciliation.

Wink: One of them said she was threatened by you with arrest or worse if she talked about her burying other children at night at the Brandon residential school …

Murray: Alright, cut! That's it! Call the lawyer! I'm out of here!

(Sound of chair moving, disturbance)

Wink: Okay, okay, calm down Murray! No more talk of mass graves!

Murray: (angrily) You promise?

Wink: Absolutely.

Murray: And no talk about the electric chairs?

(pause)

Wink: The what?

(pause)

Murray: (nervously) Oh. Never mind.

(pause)

Wink: Gee, I am sorry, Murray. This has become a real downer of a show.

Murray: It sure has. You were getting almost, well …

Wink: Almost what?

Murray: You know. What’s the word … (pause) Investigative!

Wink: (laughing) Not a chance, Murray. This is Canada!

(laughter and prolonged applause)

Wink: Murray, one final question before we let you shuffle off to your next cozy sinecure. (laughter) What was the best thing your Truth and Reconciliation Commission achieved?

Murray: The best thing?

Wink: That's right. Give us something hopeful.

(pause)

Murray: Our Class A rating.

Wink: Our what?

Murray: The Federal Tourist Board, dummy. We've got our Class A rating back from them now.

Wink: I don't get it.

Murray: Come on, Wink. Get with the real world! Foreign investor confidence in Canada was falling with all that talk of dead Indian kids and missing women and medical experiments. Trade and tourism were declining. But now that things are officially fixed and Canada's healed and we have that cute little Justin T. at the helm, the tourist bucks will keep rolling in!

Wink: That's wonderful, Murray. But how are the actual survivors helped by all that healing?

(pause)

Murray: What survivors?

(laughter)

Wink: Jesus, Murray, you really are a funny guy! (pause) Before we sign off, let me ask your intrepid colleague here whether he has anything to say … Jim? (pause) Reverend Sinclair?

Murray: Let the poor guy sleep, for God's sake, Wink.

Wink: I think he's faking, actually. I saw his eyes open there for a minute. (pause) Anyway, Murray, any final comments for our audience?

Murray: Yeah. Don’t believe anything you might read about me and somebody named Denise.

Wink: Our lips are sealed, Murray. After all, we're true blue Canadians on this show!

(prolonged applause, canned music)

Wink: Thank you Canada! And we’ll see you all next week, when we’ll have as our special guest, the CEO of GoldCorp, a really nice guy named Dave Garofalo, who’ll be dispelling all those bad things people are saying about him and his Canadian strip mining company. Dave's quite the song and dance man, and he’ll be doing his own comedy improv as well! So be sure to tune in next week.

(applause)

Wink: And so as we say here on the show: Keep positive, Canada! And keep healing!

(canned music and fade out)