When a child “acts up” what are they really asking for? It’s easy to notice the behavior. The attitude. The refusal. The outburst. But beneath every action is a message, and often, a need that hasn’t been met.
A counselor recently shared heartbreaking notes written by children:
“My parents are always busy on their phone. Why am I here?”
“If I ran away, my parents wouldn’t know.”
“My dog gets more attention.”
These words aren’t attention-seeking, they’re connection-seeking. And they stop you in your tracks. As parents, educators, and adults in children’s lives, we are their mirrors and models.
It’s worth asking:
- Am I really present with the young people around me?
- Do I give them my attention or just my instructions?
- Do I lead by example or by control?
Dr. William Glasser’s Choice Theory reminds us that every human behavior is an attempt to meet one of five basic needs:
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Love & Belonging - to feel accepted and connected
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Power - to feel capable and have influence
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Freedom - to have choice and autonomy
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Fun - to experience joy and curiosity
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Survival - to feel safe and secure
Children don’t always have the words to say, “I need to feel important” or “I want to be noticed” so they act it out instead.
A bossy child may be craving a sense of power in a world where they feel powerless.
The class clown might be longing for fun and connection.
The quiet shadow in the corner could be yearning for love and belonging.
Understanding their needs doesn’t excuse poor behavior, but it gives us a better way to respond. Instead of reacting with punishment, we can offer leadership roles, choices, creativity, and connection. Because when we meet the need, we change the behavior. And when we respond with empathy instead of judgment, we don’t just shape behavior… we shape hearts.Y
Here are two analogies which are worth sharing with children.
The Wake Behind the Boat – A Lesson in Presence
Imagine your life as a boat moving across the water. The wake (those ripples and waves behind you) represents your past: all the memories, mistakes, and moments that have already happened.
But here’s the key:
The wake does not steer the boat.
It shows where you’ve been, but it cannot decide where you’re going.
Too often, we stare backward (replaying old stories, regrets, or fears) forgetting that the only thing that truly directs the boat is the rudder in the now, guided by your intention and awareness in this moment.
When you focus on the present, where your hands are on the wheel, where the sun is rising on the horizon, you steer with clarity.
Your vision, values, and intentions are like your compass. Your actions now shape the course ahead.
When you stay focused on where you want to go, and how you want to feel, you get to choose your path.
So if something hard or sad happened yesterday, that’s okay. You don’t need to carry it forever. You can learn from it, wave goodbye, and keep sailing forward.
Because the most important part of your journey…
Is what you choose today.
The Blow Fly and the Wasp – A Story About Problem Solving
One sunny day, a blow fly and a wasp both got stuck inside a kitchen.
The blow fly saw a beautiful garden outside the window - full of flowers, sunshine, and fresh air. It buzzed straight for the window! But thump! it hit the glass.
Again and again, the blow fly bashed its head trying to get through the window. It could see the garden, but the glass was in the way. It didn’t stop to think, it just kept doing the same thing over and over…
Until it got tired. And never made it out.
Now the wasp? It wanted to get outside too. It flew toward the window once. Bump! and realized something wasn’t right. So it changed direction. It flew to the ceiling. To the corners. Around the edges. It tried different ways, looking for a way out.
And guess what?
The wasp found an open door. And flew straight into the garden!
What’s the lesson?
Sometimes in life, we want something really badly (like a goal or a dream) but we keep trying the same thing and wonder why it’s not working.
Are you being like the blow fly, doing the same thing again and again…
Or like the wasp, stopping to think, trying new ways, and trusting there’s another door?
Smart thinkers don’t give up. They pause, get curious, and adapt.
So next time you feel stuck, ask yourself:
What would the wasp do?
So as parents / educators when it comes to the education of our children are we a blow fly or a wasp?
Anyone interested in finding out more can go to my webpage https://bbsradio.com/alllearningreimagined
Enjoy! Teresa
