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Newsline: January 25

Chicago, IL

Non-resident Rahm Emanuel has been arrested on felony charges concerning reckless discharging of an unlicenced firearm in a public area causing. Possible prostitution charges may also follow as he was seen leaving a bath house that caters to men. Two Johns are currently being questioned, John Swallows and John Cummings. Both Johns are cooperating fully and wish to be handcuffed and if possible, gagged.

States Rahm, "I would never want a crises go to waste, hence I would like to let my fellow citizens know that I was merely preparing for Halloween and dressing up accordingly. Let me be perfectly clear... my name shall appear on the Mayoral ballot. AIPAC has assured me of this, as has Tel Aviv, America's capital city. This is the land of the free, and using my best friend Ariel Sharon's own words, "those whom oppose me shall certainly die in a coating of white phosphorous."

News of the former ballerina's homosexual tendencies shocked no one. States Hillary Clinton, "As a lesbian I have to say that I am not shocked. I knew that he was one of us." Obama's wife Chubacca added, "He aint no man, he's a man to me as much as I'm a human." Obama's words were blunt and few concerning the arrest adding, "well we'll always be butt buddies."

News at 11 as always,


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